Boeing Nowhere Fast
I got involved with a guy I met on vacation. We live on opposite coasts but have taken trips together, and I developed feelings for him. He invited me to stay with him for a week, so I booked a flight and took time off. Two months before my visit, he started acting distant. He eventually e-mailed that I'd have to reschedule because a family member booked a flight to visit that same week, and hey, they're family. I was disappointed, but understood. He added that he needed me to know he'd recently begun dating someone. I was crushed, but being realistic, understood. I expressed concern that his new girlfriend might be bothered by me staying with him, but he said he wouldn't tell her the extent of our history, and dismissed concerns over the awkwardness of hanging out with her with "Why would there be awkwardness?" He thinks I should just come and have a blast in a great city I've never visited. Should I? Should I expect him to pay the $150 rebooking fee? (He hasn't offered.) Or, does this all sound totally lame?
--Holding Pattern
Does this all sound totally lame? Well, yes, but not as lame as it would if you "understood" his telling you he had to reschedule because a giant lizard picked up his apartment building and ate it.
The way he puts it, if his girlfriend pops by, she might have a question or two; oh, perhaps something along the lines of "So...who's this woman in bed with you?" But, no biggie. He'll reassure her with "I'm a little shaky on our history, but I believe we once had some really hot sex on a train." Regarding his conveniently inconvenient family visitor, it's possible a relative booked a flight without consulting their host, but combined with all the rest, I'd put money on this being an escape tactic reminiscent of one I used on a creepus on the street in New York. Creepus: "Which way are you going?" Me: "Which way are you going?" Creepus: "That way." Me: "I'm going the other way."
Girlfriends happen. When they do, the girlfriend's boyfriend -- who invited you to fly on over, your dime, when his girlfriend cupboard was bare -- has an obligation to set things straight, verbally, and by picking up that $150 rebooking fee. The obligation on your end is to look reality in the face and call it for what it is -- which should have you writing this off as "We'll always have whale watching" or "...that garden tour of Topeka."
Instead, you act like you learned Pompeii has been covered by molten lava and 23 feet of ash, but never mind that, could they please reserve you two adjoining lounge chairs on the southeast corner of the pool? Reality is inflexible, and denying it doesn't change that; in time, it just turns the clue stick you're being hit with into the clue old-growth tree trunk. Your denial is probably a symptom of the real problem -- probably desperation to have a relationship -- leading you to show the guy there's no amount of backwards that's too far for you to bend over to accommodate him. To make that $150 money well wasted, stay home and "develop feelings" for yourself; namely, dignity and self-respect, which set the tone for how other people treat you. You might not score love right away, but at least you won't end up flying 3,000 miles to experience humiliation with spectacular new views.
Awesome answer! Love the clue bat/clue tree trunk part! LOL! (1 reply)
Karen at May 20, 2009 1:21 AM
Aww, thanks - we try! Please request me in the daily or alt weekly near you if I don't already run there! (It's how I eat and feed my voraciously hungry but microscopic dog.)
Amy Alkon at May 20, 2009 1:22 AM
Why would there be awkwardness? What a twat! This guy obviously knew that the LW has feelings for him. He should have been candid with her, rather than diminishing their prior relationship by implying that it was one which shouldn't result in 'awkwardness' in the presence of a new girlfriend. And yes, the LW may be making herself vulnerable to this sort of thing. But that's an aspect of women that I happen to admire. It's certainly preferable to the guarded, litigious, bartering that you so often encounter.
Mack at May 20, 2009 1:23 AM
"Should I expect him to pay the $150 rebooking fee?"
Given his lamesauce excuse, good luck on that. I'd consider it a stupid tax and learn from it.
Sio at May 20, 2009 1:24 AM
Why is it women alway complain about douchebag men and yet keep running back to them?
And why would she even want to go see a guy when hes in a realationship and the only thing they ever were was vacation fuck buddies?
And where exacly are all these desperate woman so eager for the slightest hint of affection that they will sleep with a guy that they know doest even want them?
Becasue I never seem to run into them, although given they also generally turn out to be the psyco chickd that might no be a bad thing
lujlp at May 20, 2009 3:13 AM
Sayeth Ms Alkon, "Does this all sound totally lame? Well, yes..."
Can't argue with that, I guess. LW, really, this shouldn't have to be that hard. If he's got a girlfriend, don't even think of staying with him, even if he says it's alright. Just don't do it. Think about it a minute -- you'd wind up looking like an interloper. He'd wind up looking like an amoral idiot who doesn't know how to treat either you or his new girlfriend properly. There's no way you could get through the week with your dignity intact. Is that where you want to be?
As for the rebooking fee, I agree with Sio. You can always ask, but I wouldn't count on getting it back.
old rpm daddy at May 20, 2009 5:06 AM
Unless she can think of a way to turn the trip into a nice holiday that doesn't involve this guy in any way, she should just cancel the flights already.
Arwen at May 20, 2009 5:33 AM
You have taken vacations with him where everything is care free and you haven't met any of his family or friends.
He wants to keep you at a distance from his real life.
Unfortunately it was easy to create a fantasy because you were always taking trips.
He doesn't want you in his real world.
He should pay the $150 fee but good luck it probably won't happen.
You probably have the same problem that many women have-distinguishing fantasy from reality.
David M. at May 20, 2009 6:05 AM
Don't go, LW. Save yourself from the awkwardness that will surely be there when the girlfriend shows up. Sio and ORD are right. Consider the $150 a "learning" fee, cancel the flight altogether and find something else to do - preferably with someone who isn't such a total shit. Seems to me he could very well need a smack upside the head with a clue-by-4.
Flynne at May 20, 2009 6:09 AM
Don't go, and don't count on getting the booking fee back. (Sure, ask, but good luck.) I think it's also pretty likely that he'll decide-last minute-that maybe it would be akward, and maybe she just shouldn't come at all. He's already screwed her over once by being spineless. Better to just cancel now, and find a friend to go to the beach with or something during that week.
ahw at May 20, 2009 7:07 AM
"He invited me to stay with him for a week, so I booked a flight and took time off."
Me thinks the invite was more like-- LW, "I,m flying out to the coast for a week, can I stay with you?" Ersatz boy friend, "Um yeah, probably, I guess. I don't think I have anything scheduled two months from now."
Jay at May 20, 2009 7:20 AM
She should go. She should spend the week with him, mooning over him and dying a little inside each time he kisses his new girlfriend.
She'll sleep on the couch using his beach towel as a sheet and a throw pillow to rest her head. She'll toss and turn angrily as the sounds of passion eminate through his closed bedroom door every night.
Instead of seeing the sights, she'll stay in his apartment drinking in his aroma, leaving only to have lunch with him everyday at a quaint little sandwich shop (Subway) downstairs from his office.
Maybe she'll even do some light housework and grocery shopping for him.
And when friends and coworkers ask about her vacation, she won't mention doing his laundry or walking his dog. She'll invent long walks with him down moonlit streets, intimate conversations over glasses of wine, and bittersweet goodbyes.
Sure beats eating the $150 and changing the ticket for Paris or some lame destination like that.
Conan the Grammarian at May 20, 2009 8:23 AM
LW, he is a COWARD. Instead of acting like an adult and proactively confronting this awkward situation he has found himself in, he is just hoping you will fall off the face of the earth on your own.
Sure, it's a waste of money. But don't let this situation become a waste of your time too.
sofar at May 20, 2009 8:46 AM
LW, what sofar just said. Life is too short. Actually, since you're going to get dinged the $150 anyway, don't cancel the tickets; change the destination to some place *you* really want to go.
Oh, and lujlp, if you do run into one of those girls, I can tell you from experience that she won't give you the time of day. She's too afraid you might be nice to her.
Cousin Dave at May 20, 2009 12:09 PM
The other alternative is that he doesn't exactly want her to drop off the face of the earth...just stay a nice comfortable distance away while he figures out what he has going with this new girlfriend. If it doesn't work out with her, and if he's kept stringing along the LW, hey presto, he's got a ready-made plan B!
Jdbar at May 20, 2009 12:13 PM
Jdbar, I agree with your theory.
I will however give the guy credit for at least telling her up front he's seeing someone else. Some men are even worse. A friend of mine had been seeing a guy for quite a while, but he moved to Australia for a job opportunity. He invited her (and another couple) to visit him in Australia for a week, and pulled the "new girlfriend" surprise on her after she already got there. As you might expect, she had a pretty lousy time.
Pirate Jo at May 20, 2009 12:32 PM
Oh, and especially because the group consisted of him, his new girlfriend, the other couple, and my friend who was stuck being the fifth wheel. That ranks right up there at the top of my "jerky men stories" list.
Pirate Jo at May 20, 2009 12:34 PM
Yeah, PJ, I've seen people who pull that stunt where they want to keep someone on the shelf, just in case.
Cousin Dave at May 20, 2009 1:37 PM
"LW, he is a COWARD. Instead of acting like an adult and proactively confronting this awkward situation he has found himself in, he is just hoping you will fall off the face of the earth on your own."
That's pushing it a little - he *did* tell her directly that he's found a new girlfriend - as these things go, that's not exactly vague or subtle *at all*. When a holiday fling tells you they have a new gf/bf, and is already dodging you "for family" etc., and you're still not quite getting the hint, I'd wager to say it's no longer quite *their* fault anymore.
Mouse at May 20, 2009 2:02 PM
Maybe "a coward" was bit harsh. I guess "immature" is more accurate--because of this: "I expressed concern that his new girlfriend might be bothered by me staying with him, but he said he wouldn't tell her the extent of our history, and dismissed concerns over the awkwardness of hanging out with her with 'Why would there be awkwardness?'"
He invited the LW to stay with him for a week. It was assumed that this visit would be like their past interractions. Then he started seeing someone else. OK, fine. It happens.
His solution: Act distant and drop hints and hope she goes away on her own.
Back-up plan (if she doesn't "get it" and still comes to visit): Lie to the person he is currently dating.
This dude just doesn't want to be the "bad guy." It takes courage to be the "bad guy." But, as an adult, you have to do that sometimes.
sofar at May 20, 2009 2:23 PM
@sofar: This dude just doesn't want to be the "bad guy." It takes courage to be the "bad guy."
True, but by being such a namby-pamby, he's even worse.
old rpm daddy at May 20, 2009 4:34 PM
Obviously the LW is not seeing the real picture. Maybe she has been fortunate enough to not be tutored in the ways of people who want their cake and eat it too. The LW should go, be cool to him but a bit standoffish, and have as good a time as possible. Afterward, keep tacit communication with him. I've seen enough to know that there is a good chance the guy will reach out to her again, once the new girlfriend becomes the same old-same old girlfriend. At that point is the best time to ask for the 150 bucks back.
TW at May 20, 2009 11:15 PM
@TW: "At that point is the best time to ask for the 150 bucks back."
Maybe, but that sure seems like a lot of work for such a small payoff. I'm with the commenters who suggest she go somewhere on her own, to a place she wants to see. Who knows? She might just find a cool bargain fare to London or something.
old rpm daddy at May 21, 2009 5:28 AM
When I was in my early 20s, I came across a petite, almost emaciated-looking, shivering woman in the parking lot while heading for my car. She told me her house had just burned down and she had come out here trying to get to her church for assistance with buying groceries for her two kids. But she ran out of bus fare and was now here, asking strangers for help.
Wow, I thought, how terrible! I had just gotten paid, so I'll help. I agreed to give her a ride, let her come with me while I deposited my check in the bank and withdrew some cash-- a twenty to help her out.
While she was in my car, I got to observe many things about her. The shivering-- for all the world like she had been through some huge trauma! But then she kept talking, and her story got more and more... mathematically implausible. That is, the details didn't add up. I began to suspect what a more experienced person would have known right away-- that this woman was a crack addict scamming for drug money. She played on my sympathies, talking about her poor children, her church (fine upstanding member that she was!), and the tragedy of the loss of her home... the timeline of which got fuzzy as the tale progressed. I got to see firsthand and up close both the physical signs of drug use and withdrawal, and the manipulations drug-seekers use to suck people in. As she had me drop her off-- NOT at a church, surprise surprise, but at what was CLEARLY a flophouse for druggies-- I resolved to use this as a teaching event so that I would never get suckered by this type of behavior whenever I might encounter it in the future.
The kicker, right at the end, was when I was dropping her off, and I was about to hand her the 20. Her whole voice and manner suddenly changed, and she declared, "Forty dollars." I handed over the extra 20 with a smile, because I counted it as my very own stupidity tax for having fallen for the bit. But I marked that day. I went over and over her behavior AND mine in my head, studied it, and learned from it. I can now recognize a manipulator and a seeker, and my bubbly compassion no longer extends to them. That was the day I realized it is ok to say no to a sob story in order to protect your own earnings, and it is BEYOND OK to refuse to talk to strangers in parking lots. I am a much more self-protecting bitch these days, and glad for it!
The LW should eat the hundred-and-fifty-dollar stupidity tax, resolving to make a careful study of why and how she got suckered in. She will grow as a person if she does so.
And go to Paris instead!
Melissa G at May 21, 2009 6:52 AM
Your advice is brilliant and priceless!
Anji at May 21, 2009 8:40 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2009/05/boeing-nowhere.html#comment-1649612">comment from AnjiThank you!
Amy Alkon at May 21, 2009 9:46 AM
I'd certainly forget about the guy as he's a lost cause, but I would still try to take the trip and explore the city on my own -- or talk another friend into coming. Taking a deep breach and acting like you've got a backbone, can help you grow one even if you're unsure.
When he inevitably calls she can mention how much she enjoyed the trip to his city. Even if he doesn't ask why she didn't call, she can be confident that she went ahead without him and he may view her as less of a pushover.
moreta at May 21, 2009 10:28 AM
some wise woman recently told me about values & standards.
you try to get these and have the self discipline to uphold them.
Thanks, Amy.
zapf at May 22, 2009 1:23 AM
Just a thought but is it possible this guy never considered LW as a girlfriend but only as a friend? I have a friend of the opposite sex who is great to travel with and we both enjoy road trips. It would never occur to either of us that this was romantic. Of course, unlike LW, we got that aired out early on. But perhaps the guy thought he was clear and LW just heard what she wanted to hear out of someone who just wanted to go on trips with someone else who enjoyed travelling? Sounds like he was honest about it when he found a girlfriend and when he felt LW's "developed attraction" he pulled back. Of course he should have just told her how he felt (coward I agree).
Julia Perkins at May 22, 2009 9:32 AM
I say he played her. And she fell into it. Long distance never really seems to turn out good especially if it's just a guy you meet on vacation. And because it's long distance she shouldn't have any problem getting over him. It would be a different story if she saw him day after day, reliving the pain of losing him every time but, since she never see's him I don't think it would be a problem. It was good that he was honest about the girlfriend but, she shouldn't go to see him. I mean the point of flying to see him was to be with him but now that he has a girlfriend wouldn't it be pointless?
Kate at June 1, 2009 8:31 PM
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