I'm wondering if the LW KNEW this woman was already in a relationship BEFORE he got involved? If so, then he set himself up for this big let down. If not, then I pity him and others who find out too late. My daughter has been married to a GREAT guy for 7 years. He's handsome, easy going, provided a fabulous home, is a hands on father who takes pride in caring for her and their 3 sons....a man any woman would be proud to say was her husband. For some reason, this wasn't enough for my daughter (her words). She made up her mind that she should have more than one man in her life and decided to persue just that! She admits she is being selfish and that her husband "doesn't deserve this" and yet she's simply discarding him like an old hat that doesn't fit into this years style. Her husband is devastated and I wouldn't blame him if he never trusted another woman again.
What the hell is WRONG with people?!! Relationships aren't what they used to be that's for sure! Hearing and seeing what's going on these days, my advice to anyone pondering whether or not to persue someone would be to give ANY relationship 90 days for the shine to wear off and then consider yourself LUCKY if it lasts longer!

She was in the wrong for cheating on her fiance, but dude, you wanted her to make up her mind, and she did. Telling her she was a piece of meat to you told her exactly what to expect from you. It's over. Move the hell on.

I think everybody's been there, done that. Fallen in love with someone who didn't love you back. I know I have. Not with the infidelity, but man, it does hurt.

I think the LW's problem is that he's managed to reach his early thirties without this ever happening to him. Sure, you can watch friends go through it but if you haven't paid your dues yourself, you can't understand what it's like. As a result, he's going in circles because of some 24-year-old flake.

Amy is completely right. Time to start seeing other people and move on. Living well is the best revenge.

Both of you need a lesson in maturity.

But what you say is chemistry sounds a lot like lust.

Mature people don't start out a relationship in this manner or say things like you have said to each other.

Take some time to yourself to grow up and make better choices. Move on.

WOW! a Cannibal Corpse reference! How often does that happen in advice column

In my case, the situation was reversed: he was younger, I was older. Then I got pregnant. We got married, but when I realized he wanted ME to be his MOTHER, the shine tarhished really fast! And when I asked him where he saw us in 5 years (we were living in a trailer park at the time) and he said: "We'll be here for at least the next 15 years, or until my parents die and we get the house in Pine Orchard." that was IT for me. I got out pronto. The thing is, HE is now living in "the house in Pine Orchard". With mommy and daddy. Oooops! (My ex is 40 going on 17. Very very sad.) LW needs to let it go and move on.

...the idea that ignoring reality will make it go away, not just curl up behind you and use the extra time to sharpen its teeth.

LOL! That's beautiful, Amy.

(Apparently, you've always dreamed of meeting a woman who'd take your heart in her hands -- and then put it down on her kitchen counter and forget about it for a few months.)

This is the best line ever.

LW, Ms. Alkon and the other posters are right. A lot of people make the mistake of trying to deny reality, even if it's obvious to everyone else.

A question I've asked myself before is: Am I having trouble getting over this because I miss her so bad, or because I've been made to look silly by believing in something that, in retrospect, was completely implausible? If it's the former, give it time. If the latter, learn from it so you won't make the same mistake later. In either case, the ladies are waiting, so get busy.

By the way, lose the "piece of meat" line, too.

I love this:

"Well, good news! Now you know"

Is this girl's fiancee getting some form of compensation for his disability, is that why she's staying with him?

LW: She has no qualms lying to her *fiancee* - why do you think she'd be any more honest with you than she is with him? Certainly not about "love".

"your revelation probably came at a particularly good time for her. It's likely she needed an out"

Good point; her claiming your insult was "unforgivable" seems like a neat way of getting off guilt-free for her behavior - she gets to dump the blame for ending this mess on you. How convenient for her conscience.

I can't imagine why you'd want a person like this. Whatever her reason for staying with him is irrelevant - she's bad news.

"In either case, the ladies are waiting, so get busy."

I'd suggest a break from the ladies until he figures out why he chooses them so badly - otherwise he'll probably just choose another rotten one.

Count yourself lucky...at least you didn't knock her up. Wouldn't THAT be just great paying child support for 18 years to someone who hates your guts...errrr...I guess that happens alot actually.

"she was nothing to me but a piece of meat"

Is this one of those weird guys who does it with liver?

Remember in the Cosby show, when the teenaged boy and his buddy were referring to hot chicks as "burgers?" Then the pretty younger sister got all mad: "A burger is a piece of meat!"

I cannot even comment. Amy's response was unbelievably perfect in every way. Sharp today! Wow!

Something tells me that this guy doesn't have much experience w/ young women. At that age, women seem to fall in and out of love pretty easily. They may be entirely sincere, in the moment, but their feelings can change at the drop of a hat. I suspect that many young men behave similarly.

But I had always found it to be the case that girls wanted to be in love, with someone, so earnestly that they tended to convince themselves that they really were.

Also once you start comparing someone to meat, it's over. A statement like that crosses the line. It's just too cutting and indicates a fundamental lack of respect.

"Is this girl's fiancee getting some form of compensation for his disability, is that why she's staying with him?"

I doubt it's THAT lucrative of a gig. And presumably if the girl was just in it for the meal ticket, she'd go for LW, who probably has a job, as opposed to a guy who's sitting at home on disability leave. I'm assuming that the fiance's disability has a huge bearing on the girl's decision to stay with him-otherwise why would LW even need to mention it-so her motivation for staying with him likely has more to do with a combination of guilt, a sense of obligation, and a desire to save face in front of friends and family.

Shannon makes a good point. I guess we don't know if she was engaged to him before or after his disability. If they were together before, she is probably going through hell. Maybe she isn't attracted to him anymore because she's become more of a care-taker than a lover to him. But she might very well still love her fiance (or at least care for him very deeply). Add to that some overwhelming guilt and the inertia that goes with leaving any long-term relationship, and it would seem that she needs some time to sort things out. If the LW really does care about her, he'll give her space.

Wait, people. Rapidly heading into disablist territory here.

We don't know what the disability is. May be as much as paralysed, may be as little as missing a limb. We don't know if he's sitting at home on disability leave. Sounds to me like the LW mentions the disability because he thinks it makes himself look better in comparison ("What's she doing with someone who is 'broken' when I want her?")

I really resent the idea that because this guy is disabled so the automatic assumption is that she's with him because of benefits or guilt. Maybe she's with him because she really likes being with him. Maybe she doesn't know if she loves him (I've been there) and is being flakey.

Can we drop the assumption that her relationship with her fiance has no value just because the guy is disabled?

4 words--move the hell on...what a twit.

"I really resent the idea that because this guy is disabled so the automatic assumption is that she's with him because of benefits or guilt. Maybe she's with him because she really likes being with him."

Aw, what a cute romantic notion. Pity it doesn't gel with almost everybody's real-world experience or anything we know about human nature. Sure it's "possible", but statistically speaking, the odds are pretty good that the assumption is a valid one, especially when taken in conjunction with the fact that we already know the woman has some severe "character flaws" (i.e. she has no qualms about cheating on him).

Nowadays when people say disabled they typically mean non-ambulatory. The legal definition of the term is obviously broader, but it's common usage is similar to what handicapped had been.

The funny thing is that disabled was intended as a PC replacement for the term handicapped, but it's actually more severe and pejorative. Someone can have a handicap but still retain the affected ability in a diminished capacity. But disabled implies that the ability is non existent - the dominant meaning of 'disable' is to make inoperative.

But I do agree w/ Arwen's observation that the LW's emphasis of the fiance's disability, without qualification, seem tendentious.

"At that age"?

She's 24! A legally adult *woman* for 6 years, not a high school girl. I was married and had one on the way at her age. It seems a little late to me to be 'falling in and out of love', I thought that ended in high school or at least by college graduation.

I thought that ended in high school or at least by college graduation.

Nope ;)

Ladies - am I wrong about this?

So the love of this dude's life is a gal who'd cheat on her fiance (disabled or not) with him and he's broken up about it? Yeah, she's a paragon of true love and virtue.

I'd agree with you Crella in spirit but these days we youngins aren't too smart or expected to be smart and all grownup after college. Helicopter parents and all that. Of course any of us who are still have to listen to the wise elders crack wise and stereotype. C'est la vie.

Jack, I'm not talking about whether you're right or wrong :-) just to me, that's a pretty shocking idea. It gives me the willies when women in their late 20s to 30s call themselves girls.

Great quote! I reworded it so I can add it to my private collection of all time favorite quotes. Gotta love it!

"Ignoring reality will not make it go away… it just curls up behind you and uses the extra time to sharpen its teeth." ~Amy Alkon, the Advice Goddess

Sip- I am 47 and still call me and my friends girls and don't think there's anything wrong w/ that. We are still girlish in many ways-we giggle a lot...are insecure...and now instead of complaining about our parents not understanding us, it's the kids!
Altho I also like to say I'm in my extremely late 30s and when people say-does that mean 39, I just laugh and say, nope-47.

Men and women such as this woman, aren't worth your energy.

You feel the pain, you file it away for future reference. Then put one foot in front of the other, and move on.

If you're walking a creek and a bird attacks your head...do you sit down in that spot and stay there and say "I can't go on because this mean bird attacked me"? Or do you simply keep walking and move on?

You keep walking. You have to do the same emotionally.

There's blackberries around the bend. There's a nice swimming hole a little further down the path. There's a BBQ with lots of people having fun around the next bend. You keep walking...and you find more and more bits of happiness and fun. That's how life works.

That's how life works.

And all the while these friggin' birds are attacking your head, and they're making you spill your blackberries, and they don't like your friends at the BBQ, and when you tell them to go away, you mother chimes in and tells you that you've got to grow up and marry one of them!

A little late, but responding to Jack and crella: I think there are a lot of young people (both male and female) that are still "kids" through their mid-to-late twenties. It really depends on how they were raised. My boss's kid is my age, has a law degree, and is still taking money from his dad to pay his bills. Our friend's girlfriend just turned 25, still hasn't gotten her BA (but has been in college full time since she was 18), still gets money from her parents, and even has a gas card that Daddy pays for. I got married and bought a house a year out of college, when I was 23, and hadn't been on my parent's dime at all once I graduated. (I'm 28.) My brother hasn't had any help at all from our parents since he was 17- he joined the USMC right after highschool- and now he's working and going to the community college. (He's 23.)
I think that a lot of parents use money to control their adult children. If they're still dependent on you, and you control the purse strings, you still get quite a bit of influence over their lives. Oh, and look at the idiots on reality TV...I think a lot of young people think it's normal to act like fucking morons.

Falling in love can be the worse thing for a guy when it's with a girl that's unattainable. Advice I give to all my cohorts is to stay away from anyone that has to keep you a secret. No respectable person would allow himself/herself to be the back end of a relationship. Especially if the other person is engaged or married. If you're looking for a fling then great but if you're looking to fall in love and have a meaningful relationship, then stay away from anyone that can't openly referr to you as a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Even if she had not been engaged to her Hopalong Casualty, his comment about Piece of Meat should have been a deal-breaker for her, right then and there.

One doesn't say things like that to the people they're "hopelessly in love with." It brings to mind the nasty bitch who wanted to reconcile with her boyfriend, who wisely ditched her after she said something like "No wonder your wife left you and your son won't talk to you."

The only motivation to be unspeakably cruel to someone is to get them out of your life permanently, and then these people seem so utterly bewildered when it accomplishes just that. Even Amy's letter writers in response to that column have me utterly perplexed. "But it only happened once." Unless this woman is willing to examine herself, find and eradicate what it is that prompted her to go over-the-top ugly on him, that means it will happen again.

Amy's definitely right about him providing the way out for her. In fact, he chauffered it to her in a stretch limo, held the door open to the collective flash of reporters and groupies as it stepped out on the red carpet.

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