The LW doesn't say whether or not she CONFIRMED the father was a doctor. Maybe his grandparents left him a little something in their will. A little nest egg of $50 K can SEEM like a million to a 31 yr. old as evidenced by the frivolous things he's spending it on. At this rate his little charade will come to an end soon enough. I'd definitely put off any ideas of marriage for a while. I'd love to hear back from her in another few months to see how this story plays out.

The LW needs to ask herself if he's worth the credit risk, whether he has money or not. My guess is that he might have a little, as Jan suggests, but that in the long run, he might be pretending to have more than he does in order to snag the LW into a relationship that he can then feed off of. I'd be very wary if I were her. I don't think he's "the one".

He told me he was "an investor," working for himself, making online investments.

Yes, that should probably be a big flag right there. As Ms. Alkon suggested, it sounds like day trading, and the fancy stuff he has might be the result of a lucky trade. Even if he's not day trading, the assistant manager at the local Denny's probably has a more dependable income stream, and probably works harder to get it.

My vote: He's a drug dealer.

"He told me he was 'an investor,' working for himself, making online investments."

Please. If he had that talent, he would sell it to the world by forming an equity investment pool and make untold millions off the equity pool's 20% "carry" and management fees.

More generally, people earning their money are easy to spot--they typically lead pretty straightforward lives with regular patterns seen in other similarly prosaic people. People who don't earn their money are the ones who avoid the topic of how they obtain money. People are always asking, "How does Tom afford all that...?" because Tom's BS stories never make any sense.

When you cannot identify what a man does for his money after knowing him for a month or more, his money is either illegally garnered or sent to him by someone else (trust fund, rich wife, etc.). Successful, honest men in America do not hide a successful work life from their girlfriends. And if this guy spends like the LW says, he sure isn't the reticent, cautious type who may want to keep a low profile about his success.

My guess is he is lying. He will tell new lies to cover up the old lies if the LW confronts him with truths about his life. And that pattern will never, ever end.

My first thought echoes sterling's - he's possibly a drug dealer, probably one who deals to the affluent. If he IS a drug dealer, and dealt to lower-class customers, he wouldn't have the kind of place he does.

I am with Sterling and WayneB.

Other possibilities: Identity Theft ringleader, money launderer(sp?). Sounds like whatever his business it is illegal.

Pretty easy one, guys. Old saying--if it seems too good to be true, it is.

Either that or he's a mafioso, and his parents in the crappy apartment are in the Witness Protection Program.

Indichick,

Don't give her boyfriend any ideas to prolong the deception :)

I was almost expecting a witness protection story from a girl I went out with, briefly, earlier this year. She made a show of how she seperated her trash, tearing off her name and address from various bills and things and putting that in the trash, the rest in the recycle bin. Not a bad move, until I discovered her THREE pages of Google results pointing right to her. She did all sorts of suspicious stuff, thus the very short involvement.

Ha!
I also thought about Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas:

Karen: What do you do?
Henry Hill: I'm in construction.
Karen: [She feels the softness of his hands] They don't feel like you're in construction.
Henry Hill: Ah, I'm a union delegate.

Kind of the mob version of don't ask don't tell.

I must echo the other posters here, something sounds fishy. Could be criminal. Or could maaaybe be something he's afraid to tell you (e.g. runs porn sites). Smells criminal to me though.

Lobster,

If he was a legetimate porn site owner then there is still something wrong with him not being honest with her.

With the tame stuff I write I noticed that some women take my fiction as autobiographical, which became very annoying. For a short time I refused to tell new women I met where the blogs and other info were because of the odd reactions by some. I finally reassesed that and use it as a filter.

That said, it is not my main source of income and I am honest about where I work too.

"My vote: He's a drug dealer."

I'm with Sterling. When I lived in South Florida, these kinds of guys always introduced themselves as being in "import/export". Yeah, uh huh. Especially the import part.

Deception is not typically conducive to a lasting relationship.

Very simple solution. Spend a few hundred bucks and hire a PI. He can get his credit pulled and find out lots of info without leaving the office.

There's probably a much more banal explanation. As in, he has a trust, perhaps set-up by a grandparent, that's invested in stocks and bonds. He derives an income from the dividends and interest, and mucks around with the distributions a bit, so he calls himself and 'investor'.

It may be that he's simply not comfortable detailing the nature of his finances to her. Affluent people are often very private regarding their wealth.

She's obviously interested in knowing how much money he has, and he's may have picked up on that fact. That may also be why he'd introduced her to his parents in the context of a low rent apartment.

But to answer her question - no he's probably not living off of debt if he doesn't genuinely have assets.

Wrong. Being in a relationship with somebody does not give you the right to violate their privacy.

Amy,

Getting information available to the public is not an invasion. I do say Google first, then pull an online background investigation. But if she is suspicious he is probably shady and dirty. She is just not reacting right to her suspicions.

LW and David H, SHE can do all of that without leaving her desk for less than $100. I do draw the line at a hire for following him around. If you need to go to those lengths you don't need to be seeing him.

Mike,

She's obviously interested in knowing how much money he has, and he's may have picked up on that fact. That may also be why he'd introduced her to his parents in the context of a low rent apartment.

You seriously think this guy temporarily rented an apartment for his parents to put on a show? I was not getting the sense that she cared about how much money he has, just that he is not trying to trick her.

Some "out there" suggestions...but here is a point:

Has she met any of his friends? How do they live? What do they do? Contrary to odd couple hollywood fantasyland, people tend to congregate in groups rather like themselves.

The executives with matching lifestyles go to the same clubs.

The locksmiths & plumbers in an area bowl in the place.

The students go to one bar, the professors to another.

My point is, that he must be doing something with his day, she has no idea where he works or what he actually does, obviously she's met no "office friends" and not been to an office party. Sooo...chances are there is no office. Now if she has met his friends and they're living at a much lower economic level, something is definitely wrong. Shy of family or boyhood friends, the exec & the plumber don't take off fishing together or meet at a restaurant for drinks or double date.

Now that said...if she has met NONE of his friends, the situation is different.

In short, as chris rock said, "Ladies, if you've been dating a man for months, and haven't met any of his friends, you are NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND".

Miss Alkon, normally I would agree 100% with you regarding privacy.

But as another reader pointed out, it IS publicly available information. And while I'd not normally advocate something so drastic as spending money to hire a Private Investigator...frankly she's right to be worried. If she does marry this man, how long will it be before she finds out that there are dozens of credit cards out in her name. That he hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, that he's written her name on bad checks, and that their anniversary dinner was paid for by cutting back on the budget for the baby's formula?

People have a right to privacy...but not a right to get away with limitless lies.

Frankly Amy, I'm actually a little surprised you didn't advice her to drop him. Keeping mum about one's work is...odd, hell even the wives of secret agents know that they are the wives of secret agents. Obviously she doesn't trust his silence about his work. After dating a few days, I'd call her nuts, but after a year? Something is wrong there, and for her own protection she should know for sure if she's in for some trouble or not. Maybe it would be better to be overtly honest, in an ideal world anyway.

But if he's been lying for a year, he'll lie some more just as easily. And even if he's not, well really, her doubts, if they turn out to be empty, are best not made overt as they'll probably be deal breakers. The guy is a little off if he's that secretive.

Got to really wonder...if he really is lying...how the fuck did she come out of that meeting with his parents with the lies intact?

He's either telling the truth, or he's better at lying than Bernie Madoff could ever dream.

Robert writes: "But as another reader pointed out, it IS publicly available information. And while I'd not normally advocate something so drastic as spending money to hire a Private Investigator...frankly she's right to be worried."

Well, I think what Amy's really getting at is: if the LW feels that it's necessary to go this far, then the relationship's already doomed.

I second Mike: he's probably living off a trust fund, having some fun with the money, and calling himself an investor. But I tend to think that this guys sounds more like some "real estate agents" I've known - people who don't like to work, but who have something they can do when they need some scratch.

For those advocating a P.I. - dude! This is a boyfriend! There is absolutely no reason to hire a P.I. The relationship is a year old; I think she has license to start asking some tough questions. (That's not to say she should come off as an interrogator - it's perfectly fine to go "You know, sweetie, my Economics teacher in high school really stunk. Why don't you explain day trading to me?") But if you're going so far as to hire a P.I., you need to look at your paranoia. And I have to go with Amy; hiring a P.I. also seems kinda sneaky and backhanded. Like snooping. And snooping is hardly ever acceptable.

I think Amy's advice was dead-on. Just straight talk to the dude, be frank if you can, and if he still avoids answering, then you have your answer.

You seriously think this guy temporarily rented an apartment for his parents to put on a show?

I doubt that. But if someone had concerns about her intentions, that's a good way to flush them out. Maybe his parents chose to meet her in that setting. In any case it doesn't endorse the theory that he's trying to con her.

Look I'm not saying that the LW is a gold digger, but how would you take this line?

I love him and believe he may be "the one," but may rethink that if he's carrying a million in debt.

One thing that's apparent is that she has a somewhat distorted view of how affluent people live - e.g. doctors living in mansions, 31yr olds with a million dollars in debt.

Everyone's jumping to the conclusion that he's actually trafficking in body parts, or something. But it could be that she's grossly overestimating how much money it would take for him to live the way that he does.

cornerdemon,

Took me a while to remember and several people beat me to the punch on the investigator route. The LW does not mention that, it came up in the thread. That said, I am reminded that a couple of PIs I used to know said that when women hire them to check out their boyfriends the guys are ALWAYS dirty. Not always the case with spouses for some reason. Both said that they wished those women clients had just saved their money and moved on.

Even thought she did not hint at it, sounds like she has enough suspicion to need to move on.

In Japan, it is normal to have prospective spouses investigated. Normally the eldest son inherits family assets and debts, so I'd consider that prudent, not an invasion of privacy.

I'm an eldest son, which caused yet more consternation among my in-laws. I guess being survivors of the Atom bomb and having your youngest daughter marry an American and move 8000 miles away wasn't already enough for them to worry about. They had to worry about the possibility of my dad being a deadbeat as well.

Re: Hire A PI and Investigate his Ass

Do you folks realize that PI investigations leave traces? There's a good chance that he'd catch onto the fact that someone's auditing his finances and looking into his background.

My brother caught an ex girlfriend of his doing this when his credit monitoring service alerted him that someone was snooping into his financial history. She'd hired some service that claimed he'd never find out.

Maurice,

Do you folks realize that PI investigations leave traces? There's a good chance that he'd catch onto the fact that someone's auditing his finances and looking into his background.

Especially if he is a shady money laundering identity theif. He will spot it pretty quickly.

"Look I'm not saying that the LW is a gold digger, but how would you take this line?

I love him and believe he may be "the one," but may rethink that if he's carrying a million in debt."

This hardly screams golddigger to me. Would YOU want to comingle finances with someone who was million (or even a few hundred thousand or tens of thousands) in debt?

Besides, this guy's lifestyle hardly indicates that he's trying to screen out golddiggers. If he was truly concerned about LW's intentions then it would be much easier and more effective to cut back on the expensive restaurants, clothes, cars, and flashy lifestyle.

Dear LW:

Don't move in with this guy, don't give him access to your credit cards/bank account, and never, ever loan him any money.

P.S. Don't co-sign a loan to remodel his condo, either.

Shannon,

Right on! (sorry to borrow a mom's generation phrase, maybe it was grandmother).

This guy sounds like a golddigger flytrap. Add the Chris Rock quote above and he is just trying to get girls who like the bling and pretends to be somewhat sincere to sucker a good one into the mix.

LW, flee. Please flee?

I say don't put the cart before the horse, LW. He hasn't asked you to marry him. That's when you say "Sure, but now we have to lay all our financial cards on the table because we would be idiots not to". If he says "but baby... doncha trust me?" then it's time to cut and run.
Then offer to show YOUR credit report and request he do the same. If he gets all starchy, he's hiding something. If he's really honestly from money he will totally understand and even be glad you are a smart and savvy woman.
Either way, until he pops the question it's a moot argument. Relax and enjoy the ride.
(let the Tori-bashing begin...)

Tori,

You really want her to wait that long? Not bashin' just askin'.

LW seems to have enjoyed herself so far, what's the issue? Suddenly she feels guilty over having a good time? She didn't say if she met any of his friends instead she met a couple that he SAID were his parents. Were there pictures of him as a kid? Does he look like either of them?

LW hasn't posted enough info for some of the suggestions given.

I say either enjoy the ride or get out now. He's not 'the one' if you don't trust him.

Heya Suki, she sounds like she enjoys the benefits, and she's not really wanting out, just doubting how genuine the whole thing is. Meybe she's been once bitten twice shy but she's looking her gift horse in the mouth. Horses bite hard! She stands to ruin a good thing by her doubts if she investigates but stands to put herself in financial jeopardy if she ties the knot. He hasn't asked her to marry him so that's what I'm hanging onto here. If he hasn't asked her to marry him yet, she isn't in that financial jeopardy. It's either stick around and enjoy the ride, or get out and walk.

In my next life I am coming back as a woman. The guy is blowing money on you every chance he gets? And you waa-waa?
Never in my life has a woman blown money on me.
If the sex is really good, then ride this horse until it drops, and then go on to the next mark. If the sex is not really good, why are in the relationship?

So the story here is that she thinks he's extravagantly wealthy, but his parents don't live in the way she'd assumed, so now she's worried - and so she should break up with him?

Unless he does have money, then he's 'the one'.

That's sweet.

This is exactly the kind of crap that guys worry about when dealing with women.

Wow, Marko, that's a healthy helping of thinly veiled misogynism in your interpretation of the situation. The way I read it, he might be the one--unless he's a big liar and a fool who lives on debt, neither of which are attractive to anyone of either sex with half a brain. Sounds reasonable to me.

Did you read this part Mizireni?

I love him and believe he may be "the one," but may rethink that if he's carrying a million in debt.

Is the LW a misogynist too? - she'd who said it!!

"To me, the fact that his father's a doctor only confirmed there was family money. After six months, he took me to meet his parents. I assumed we'd pull up to a mansion, but it was an apartment complex reminiscent of college housing!"

The LW clearly doesn't realize that many wealthy people do not live in mansions like on "Dynasty". Some of the wealthiest people live very modestly, which is often how they became so wealthy. I believe there's a book called, "The Millionaire Next Door" detailing how they tend to drive used cars and live in modest homes.

She says, "the fact that his father's a doctor", so that must be true. Her boyfriend very well could have a trust fund, or be a successful investor, but I'm not sure his financial situation is really her business yet. He hasn't proposed, and he waited 6 months to introduce her to his parents, so it doesn't sound like he's that eager to marry her. My take is that she's wondering if she's wasting her time dating him since she can't determine if he is, in fact, wealthy.

The LW clearly doesn't realize that many wealthy people do not live in mansions like on "Dynasty". Some of the wealthiest people live very modestly, which is often how they became so wealthy.

...

That's right. Your comment nicely sums up the points that I was trying to make.

The LW's concerns seem to arise from her own assumptions and expectations more so than his behavior.

But I don't know that his waiting 6mos to introduce his folks is necessarily a sign that he isn't eager to marry her. He may be embarrassed by them.

I don't introduce my folks to girlfriends until we know each other very well because my parents are pretty eccentric. As much as I love them, they require a lot of patience.

I would like to remind everyone that Warren Buffet, the 2nd richest man in the world, still lives in the house he bought in Omaha in 1957, for $31,500.

Just because someone doesn't waste a lot of money on seeming rich doesn't mean that they aren't rich. It's a good way to avoid attracting gold diggers and other forms of money sucking leeches. It's a shame the parents in this case hadn't taught such good sense to their son.