Great advice. Yeah, work is going to suck for awhile, but the quickest way to get past it is to let it go. Now, if all the men she works worth begin to give her a hard time she will have to leave and find new work. This should be a major wake up call to her. She needs to change the way she is living her life... stop being a victim and start being in control.

Is this letter a hoax? How can someone screw a colleague and still act all surprised when it doesn't work out? And why haven't both these people been fired?

This person is so self deprecating that she's almost bragging about her special talents. "I have a knack for finding the lowest of the low" - well, maybe her latest conquest picked up on her contempt for him and lived up to expectations?

All those coworkers who denied seeing photos were probably more embarrassed than she was. I sure would be. That "loser" partner has sexually harassed everyone in the workplace by foisting unwanted sex photos at their work email accounts, without their consent. I'd probably think that both the "loser" and the letter writer had mental health issues.

Ieuww.

If no one claims to have seen the pics, how does she know they were in fact sent? If she has hard evidence of it, I'd say she should sue; she just might collect enough in money damages to make the whole thing worth her while.

Whether the suit magnifies the attention the photos get depends on how many men they've already gone to. If it was just a couple, then maybe they were discreet enough to keep the stuff under wraps, and a suit might change that. But if they went to most, or even many, of the men at the company, then you can guarantee that they've been forwarded all over the Internet, lawsuit or no. So in that case she might as well sue; it can't make things worse.

"Being too nice "

It's not being too nice...that's just such an off description of her problem I can't quite get my head around it.

Extremely poor judgement is more like it.

How does she know he emailed the pictures?

Mortified, huh? I'll bet, and I would be too. But what a low life scum to do that to her. You're right Amy, she should just let it go and move on. But even so, I think I would talk to a lawyer anyway. Might be something she could get out of it. And after that, she should probably talk to a psychologist or some kind of counselor or something. You know, to try and keep a little scenario like that from happening again?

Read-Smart Women Foolish Choices by Dr. Connell Cowan and Dr. Melvyn Kinder.

What a scummy guy! And I agree with Flynne, she needs to figure out how to move on.

One question, if everybody is denying looking at the pictures, how does she know he emailed them? Did he tell her or was something left out?

That whole thing about the pictures is a little weird. If they were even sent, word would get around, and the boss would wind up knowing about it. If you have an IT department, they'd probably know about it, too. I'm surprised the fellow wasn't fired. In my company, he'd have been out on his ass yesterday, and I don't mean maybe!

But that's neither here nor there. You don't wind up with losers by being too nice. You wind up with losers by settling for losers. As Ms. Alkon says, you're the one who has control over that, if you learn to use it.

Oh, by the way, if your male co-workers were aware of the photos, most of them will have decided the fellow who sent them is a reptile of the lowest order. If they'd been in the military, they would have given him a blanket party.

On that whole "SUE"!" meme, she needs to hold off.

The employer likely has no clue what is going on, unless managers got the photos, and if the facts she presents are accurate, managers would likely take corrective action upon learning of the situation.

In sum, just because a lover/coworker is an ass, that does not turn the matter into "ka-ching-a-ling" jury awards paid by the employer.

She should moderate her workplace behavior: quit talking to multiple people about this. Next, if you want to keep the job, go to one sage manager or HR person. Explain to him/her the issue. Tell them you are unsure what to do. Tell them you want to keep your job, and you are concerned that this is going on, and you might needs some help addressing it, because it may impact your ability to do the job.

Now it becomes the employer's problem to deal with that motherfucking asshole. The employer will likely call their lawyer. Lawyer will groan and say they must do something about it now. If he did send those photos to coworkers, he will likely lie when asked about it. But coworkers will squeal on him in a second rather than risk their own work. He will probably get fired at that point. People will know why and generally agree with the outcome. You will become a protected species there, of a sort. People will look at you funny maybe, but no one will fire you for this and most people will have some sympathy for you.

All that advice is wrong, however, if you are in a service industry and the dude is a rainmaker. Then he could slit your throat open in the hallway and people will look for excuses as to why it was necessary, so he must keep his position. Etc.

Spartee - What's a Rainmaker, and why would being in a service industry make a difference?

Yeah, I'd like a little more info too. Did he leave
them under 'sent' in his e-mail, or did she break up with him and he told her he did it, or what? In any case, dating co-workers when you have that kind of track record is what's known as "shitting where you eat". You shouldn't do that.

Spartee - very good advice. Unless it can be shown that managers were aware and probably even that there were multiple incidents, she ain't going to win a hostile workplace suit. In most companies though, a "I want to keep my job, not looking for a payout, but I can't stand to be near this guy" to a sympathetic HR person will result in the guy packing his desk. Unless it's a partner in a law firm of course as you pointed out.

"The employer will likely call their lawyer. Lawyer will groan and say they must do something about it now" - you're on fire today! I can just imagine the "shit, not on my watch" reaction from a company lawyer faced with this. Their main concern of course would be establishing a defence against hostile workplace claims, and the best way to do that would be to investigate and check if the claim is true (easy enough, if he emailed it there will be records and backups), then fire the prick.

But I wonder if he really emailed the photos or whether he's just screwing with her head. She's probably being fairly reticent about asking people (would you stand up and yell "who saw me making the beast with two backs?") but I would have thought some kind person would have taken her aside and told her. I know I'd be furious if anyone did that to someone I worked with.

Plus a lot of people would be sensible enough to know (whether they're nice guys or assholes) it looks a lot better to report something like that than sit on it till asked. No one wants to be tarred with the same brush when the shit hits the fan.

I miss throwing blanket parties for deserving individuals

I'm with Spartee and the rest of you on this. There's nothing to be lost by waiting it out on the issue and everything to lose by taking official action. This asshat took a personal matter and (allegedly) made it public, so bringing attention to it now would hurt LW more. It's that old wrestling with a pig analogy.

That being said, there are plenty of non-official things Mortified can do, including a full on Alkonesque assault via the Web, exposing him for the scumbag that he is. It's hard to break established behavior patterns, but maybe this incident's silver lining will be it helps LW stop the insanity.

"Spartee - What's a Rainmaker, and why would being in a service industry make a difference?"

In an accounting, law, engineering, consulting or similar service-industry practice, people with a book of business can do as they will with little concern for consequences from within. It will take, literally, either a court order or collective attack by other rainmakers of greater power to impose control on a rainmaker. If an employee makes a complaint against a rainmaker in that situation, the real reaction of the business is typically "how do we protect the rainmaker?", not "how do we address this problem?" Law be damned.

When working in such a busines, if you are crosswises with a rainmaker, start looking for a new job. It does not matter how just or right you are; you are toast as soon as they can fire you for any reason at all.

Hire someone to take a crow bar to his knees. Make sure you are out of town at the time.
Disclaimer: Just a joke if you decide to do it.

First, "blanket parties" are a thing of the past. A fellow on my old sub was informed that his girlfriend no longer wanted to be in a relationship via email. From her new boyfriend. On the same boat. Because he forwarded her teary, passionate pleas for his (new) love to the entire crew. The Command Response was to ignore it.

Second, for those beating their drums, and calling "lawsuit", remember you felt that way next the mystical, dreaded "R" word starts flying around, and jobs are getting cut. (The word in question being "recession" and the jobs being your own.)

Yes, the lady in question needs to decide how to deal with her issues, and she was slighted, but her "feel better with this new wardrobe" money has to come from somewhere. Damn sure won't be the bosses paycheck.

Spartee writes: "When working in such a busines, if you are crosswises with a rainmaker, start looking for a new job. It does not matter how just or right you are; you are toast as soon as they can fire you for any reason at all."

Would that I had been given that sage advice when I was in my 20's. That is to say, don't piss off the money makers. I did 'get crosswise' with a rainmaker, and the result was *precisely* as you describe.

And that 'reason' they find for firing you? It doesn't even need to be true or even remotely plausible.

Would that I had been given that sage advice when I was in my 20's.

Happened to my little brother when he was in his 20s. He took the victim's side in a sexual harassment complaint. He then found out he wasn't as valuable to his company as he first thought.

He's in a much more lucrative line of work now.

What is a blanket party? Just wondering.

Spartee, I always enjoy hearing your career-related advice. =)

Spartee has some good words of advice. I know because I found myself the victim of sexual harassment over and over by the same man. He was, however, a rainmaker, so management did nothing other than call a meeting to say certain behavior would not be tolerated (humiliating me in the process) and yet there were no repercussions *towards him*. I was patronized and eventually pushed out of the company.
I did not sue, but I did go the EEOC who took action.
Essential information is you MUST bring this matter to the attention of your employers - they have to be given the opportunity to put a stop to it.
You can actually sue an individual for s.h. (not the cha ching of the corporate payout), but there is a time limit in which you must act.

So first steps, talk to management (and be honest!) and call EEOC to see what your rights are.

It's not being too nice...that's just such an off description of her problem I can't quite get my head around it.

Sounds like she kisses frogs and hopes for a prince. Or maybe she's so enamored with her loser-in-life label that she kisses frogs knowing that they'll stay frogs.

Is being a loser an addictive mindset? Is there a kind of glamor in seeing yourself as the oppressed by life type? If there is, she has it.

She doesn't have to sue the company, she can sue just him.

Definitaly get into HR now, on record,

"She doesn't have to sue the company, she can sue just him."

That's what I meant when I suggested she should sue. Sorry I wasn't clear on that point. The company is obviously not at fault here.

I'm thinking now that not only is this guy the Crown Prince of Douchebags, but her co-workers must be the Douchebaglings of his Kingdom.

I couldn't imagine a coworker coming to me and saying, "Here's a picture of me doing the nasty with Carrie over in Physical Therapy," and thinking anything but, "My God, you're the world's biggest asshole."

Who wouldn't object to being shown such a picture? Even if you're into porn, there's something truly offensive about photographing yourself and your innocent partner and showing it around the office.

I might be thinking of going to H.R. myself to complain about it, if I thought it would get the guy removed from the office while leaving "Carrie's" hands clean.

@Shannon: "What is a blanket party? Just wondering."

A blanket party is a form of frontier "justice" one hears about in the military sometimes. What happens is, a group of fellows wait for the victim to walk into the room, then throw a blanket over his head (so he can't see what's happening) and beat the hell out of him. Sometimes the assailants will hit the victim with bars of soap wrapped in towels. Apparently that method is less likely to leave a mark.

Now, don't get me wrong -- I don't advocate such a form of revenge, and as Chronotrigger says, blanket parties are pretty passé now. I've never seen it done, and the only story I know about came from a grizzled old Air Force colonel who told of a fellow pilot, years ago, who was known to be abusing his wife. His squadronmates gave him a blanket party as a way of expressing their disapproval of his conduct.

@Patrick: "Who wouldn't object to being shown such a picture? Even if you're into porn, there's something truly offensive about photographing yourself and your innocent partner and showing it around the office."

That's one of the weird things about this story. Wouldn't somebody have stepped up and complained if those photos were going around? What the hell kind of office culture exists at that place?

What is a blanket party? Just wondering.

Not sure what lujlp is referring to, but as I understand blanket party, having been in an Episcopalean boarding school and in the military, a "blanket party" is a group battery visited upon someone while in bed and presumably asleep. Here's an example from "Full Metal Jacket."

A "rainmaker" is someone with an exceptional ability to bring profit to his business. Although the term usually applies to a lawyer with a gift of attracting clients. Spartee is suggesting that if this scumbag really rakes in the bucks for the business, the business will not likely fire him as they would throw out a lucrative asset. Indeed, it's entirely possible that the event could be spun to look like her fault rather than his.

Excellent advice Amy. Move on and the legal recourse is probably worse than the problem.

I am probably doing things wrong with a different situation. My pest from May began hitting my book blog from work in October and hasn't stopped. It isn't for interest in my writing, it is "here I am, look over here" type traffic. When I got fed up with seeing it, I began posting the traffic and linking it back to the source without mentioning any names (other than the domain it came from that is the name of the firm where she works).

Did the same for obvious related traffic from another firm, searching for things related to the pest but were not on the blog.

I periodically post traffic results, popular content and interesting cities where traffic came from. Search terms can be pretty funny/interesting too, so it blends in a little.

I'm sorry, Amy, but though I usually always agree with your advice, I can't agree with your advice of letting this one go the wayside.
I don't think she needs to publicize this and make a big deal of it, drawing tons of attention to herself. However, it does need to be recorded with HR. Now, I am aware that companies and states all have their own policies, but I know that if you have a concern you can sit with HR and discover those policies - it might be that she can report and request confidentiality and that no further action be taken provided no further harassment occurs. If that's the case she should document it.
It might also be that HR has a policy requiring they follow up with the individual doing the harassing. Is that really such a bad idea, that he realizes there are repercussions to actions, maybe not always in outside life, but definitely within the workplace?
Whether he distributed the pictures or is messing with her head, he is a bully and an ass who will only continue with this kind of behavior unless he's given a huge STOP sign. That's her call.
And no, I'm not in any way saying she should sue or set herself up for a lawsuit (even if you win you lose), but I am saying she should consider carefully her options.

Talk to the HR manager, let them go in and check everyone's inbox and recycle bin for said photo's. Proof will be there or it won't. Action will be taken if there are pictures.

"You wind up with losers by settling for losers."

I'm willing to throw the LW a bone, here. Sometimes it can take a while to recognize a loser. I wonder how low her self-esteem really is, in general; I have no doubt it's taking a beating now. This is simply an awful betrayal.

LW, if you ever read this, my piratey advice would be:

1) Don't go to HR. Amy is absolutely right about this. Those people only care about keeping the company from being sued and covering the butts of horrible managers. HR is not your friend. It's sad, but people get shit on by their companies all the time.

2) Eventually, when you're up to it (and the sooner the better), take it with a big scoop of 'bite me'. Every one of those guys who saw those pictures has a mother, most of them have sisters, and probably all of them have wives or female friends. They don't sympathize with the guy, they sympathize with you, even if they would never admit it in front of you or Mr. Asshole. You have power in this. You can always make an offhand joke, just to the person standing next to you, if the time/person is right, 'better check for cameras' when you walk into a party room. Keep taking that rocky high road, and you'll eventually be the good-natured girl who handled difficulty with grace. He's already viewed as an asshole, and then he'll be the asshole who dished out shit to the good-natured girl with grace.

I wish the economy was better, but even if you start looking for another job now, it might take you a while. I wouldn't blame you for going that route, either. Do well at your job. This, above all. It will benefit you more than anything else in the long run, and make the time easier, besides. So sorry this shit happened to you.

The most recent loser works with me. Without my knowledge, he took photos of us having sex, and e-mailed them to men at our workplace. I'm totally embarrassed. I wanted to press charges, but miraculously, no one claims to have seen these photos

Why all the talk about going to HR? Are we reading too much into this? Did the jackass really send the pics to guys from work (to their personal emails)? Or, did the jackass send the pics to men at their workplace using company computers? If the former, good luck with that because if it didn't happen at work then it's of no concern what she does outside work hours; if the latter, HR may fire the jackass for sending porn to work, but she doesnt have a case for sexual harrassment whatsoever...why? she chose to sleep with the guy on her own time, outside work hours. She claims he took pictures of her and him having sex without her knowledge...please. Here is a alternative scenario. Maybe she is a skank who allowed him to take the pics but then broke it off with him so he sent the pics out of revenge.

So now a woman can claim sexual harrassment if she chooses to go out with a "loser" from work and it doesn't work out? It's too bad she chose to have sex with this chump who likes to take pics of his sexual escapades(without her consent as FAR AS WE KNOW)and use them to brag to his work buddies "hey I banged Tammy from accounting and here's proof"!!!!!! what if she did allow the pics but didn't know he would sink so low as to show them off? It happens all the time that guys post nude pics of girls they slept with on various web sites (see exgfpics.com for more info on that). Its dispicable but it does happen... I would like to off a small piece of advice to all you girls, if pictures are taken doing the nasty 1. make sure its your camera. 2. the pics get erased. 3. you take the film, negatives or the SD card cuz you never know where those pics will end up.....

After rereading Mortified's letter again, (and reading between the lines) I definitely disagree with your advice Amy that this woman has any kind of sexual harassment case against this man, let alone a text book case. If I am understanding this correctly she doesn't have one shred of evidence regarding the pictures, and if he is not saying or doing anything that would fulfill this definition below he would not be guilty of SH.

"According to law prof Kingsley Browne's "Biology at Work," that's a work situation that's "permeated with sexuality or 'discriminatory intimidation, ridicule, and insult'" severe enough to change the conditions of the victim's employment and create an abusive work environment."

A text book case would be him making comments at work regarding the pictures or comments regarding them having sex. Or if the guys at work were making comments regarding her like "hey Tammy, I heard you banged Larry last week, when is my turn". Or "nice pics Tammy"! Accordingly, the sex was consensual; on their own time, outside work hours and off company property. Also, there is no evidence that this man is making any comments or harassing her (unless you have more information we aren't aware of) no one is coming forward with the pics; and unless the IT dept. can locate the pics on the company's computers there is no case for sexual harassment. Even if the IT dept. found these pics on the company computers would it constitute sexual harassment?

In my humble opinion, this chick knew he was taking pictures of them having sex. She was an active participant and chose a lowlife that would take advantage of her and now regrets it and is embarrassed by her behavior.

My question to her would be how did she learn he was taking pics of her and sending them out to coworkers?? Her statement: "Without my knowledge, he took photos of us having sex, and e-mailed them to men at our workplace. I'm totally embarrassed. I wanted to press charges, but miraculously, no one claims to have seen these photos" confirms that she knew he was photographing her. I highly doubt she is going around her office, asking every male colleague hey, did Larry email you pics of me giving him a BJ and having sex with him last week? Do you think they would tell her, "hell yeah!!! They were great pics"!!! She isn't doing that because she knew.

Law enforcement can determine if he broke any laws filming her without her consent if he did so and if her pics are online, she can ask they be taken off....

You're right on Amy. Although I will say that if she feels that strongly about pressing her case legally, she should. Yeah, more people at work might see her, but they already have.

Pirate Jo - I like your take on it. Satisfies my vindictive side (don't let bullies get away with it) without messing around with procedures and committees. Have you considered the meaning of being judged by 'a jury of one's peers' recently?

You are correct that HR is not your friend. They are there to protect the company against you, not vice versa. Depending on jurisdiction, it may be necessary to register the complaint on a 'no action' basis just to get it in writing that the company was aware though. You need to be very careful about this and control the information they get very carefully, but lack of report leaves you with no recourse down the track if the situation gets worse. Just think of it as dealing with the opposition's advocate rather than someone on your side.

And Pirate Jo, your advice to 'do well at your job' is the absolute best advice anyone could give. Nothing is a better defence than being needed, this can be done from lower level positions too (have you ever seen a managerial type faced with having their favourite PA being taken away? They'll fight like hell to keep them, till it threatens their position at least). I'm a technical professional who's been the subject of attempted scapegoating several times, and I'm still there while the useless report collators have gone. Because I can fix things they can't and I don't cause official trouble when under attack, just fight back using exactly the techniques you described.

Inicidentally, congrats on your new job :)

The LW was foolish at best. The guy...no saint either.

The company? It has nothing to do with it.

Here is some advice:

DO NOT SHIT WHERE YOU EAT.

There are alot of places to meet people, don't make the attempt at work to find bedmates. If I were the boss, I'd fire BOTH their stupid asses for wasting comany time and resources.

What Robert said. Take your lumps and deal. If you're uncomfortable with the situation, remember that you were sleeping with a loser - which makes you at least 50% culpable.

Don't get your honey where you get your money.
Don't dip your pen in company ink.
Don't date co-workers -- when the relationship fails, at least one of you will be looking for a new job.

Is it clear enough yet, LW? DON'T FUCK THE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH, OR LIFE WILL FUCK YOU.

Oh, and to answer your question, yes - you are attracting douchebags because you put out the vibe that you suck. Douchebags have radar for that shit.

Stop believing that you suck, and maybe you'll stop attracting douchebags.

This reminds me of an opposite situation I experience at a company I worked for about twenty years back. This woman Carla came into the office after having a baby, and proceeded to show everyone, male and female, what can only be described as up close and graphic gynocological pictures of herself giving birth.

Finally my boss told her to knock it off, at least at work. I remember the joke later on was she shoulda published a flip-through-book.

Hello All!
Although I am a big fan of Amy, and read her column, I have not posted on this site....until now. At this point however, I feel compelled. I am flabbergasted by the answer's to this question. Now, assuming (yes, i do know what that makes me btw :0) that what the lw says is true, how in the world can so many of you just be telling this woman to deal with it? My goodness, if those pictures WERE emailed to her co-workers, they all now have a copy, and at any point could post them, well, anywhere. Did this woman make some unfortunate choices? Yuppers. Does that give the "loser" a right to take pictures and email them without her consent? No way in Hell. The lw is dealing with a number of serious violations here. I for one don't look at it as an unfortunate result of her bad choice in men. Nope. I want you all to think seriously about how YOU would feel if this were you. Embarrased. Humilitated. Scared.
So, now, what to do? I would suggest that this woman hook up with a lawyer/para-legal and find out about the laws in her state, and then go from there. Would i suggest she just "take her lumps" however? Probably not so much. Keep up good work all!

Many years ago while in the military I had a relationship with a co-worker. He bragged to the guys in the shop. One of his buddies called me on it in a full breakroom. I addmitted I had slept with him but found his dick to small and he came after three strokes; not a lie but information I would not share without provocation. I then called the EXboyfriend and told him the truth about his performance intending for his little friend to have even more problem in his future. Nothing was ever mentioned to me again about my sex life at work and I learned never had sex with a coworker again.

After all, what could the guy's defense possibly be, "I don't have a kid so I thought I'd celebrate 'Bring Your Girlfriend In A Compromising Position To Work Day'"?

I just spit up my morning carrot-apple juice from laughing at this one!

Thanks for starting my day out with a smile ;-)