When will people realize that jealousy is just blaming someone else for what's wrong with you?

The BF here is blaming his girlfriend and her friend for what's wrong with him: insecurity.

Even if she were to cut the friend out of her life (which she shouldn't), he'd just find something else to fixate on.

Maybe LW doesn't lie well? And he's picked up on the lie and from that thinks there is something to be worried about. But much more likely he's insecure and jealous. Either way, the solution is the same - make it obvious you want him to make him more secure. As long as you're not obviously prioritising the friend relationship (which at 2-3 time a year you ain't) he should have nothing to worry about.

Hell, I'm friends with a few ex-gfs. In all cases it was most definitely over and we behave perfectly normally around each other, no latent feelings etc. If a current partner would rather not see them I can work around that (it's rarely been a problem, it's so obvious there's nothing there that only the most jealous could imagine a problem) but I would never accept that I wasn't allowed to see them sometimes.

I agree with sofar and Ltw, and I'd add that LW should keep telling her boyfriend when she sees the friend. If she acts as if everything's above board, then BF has no reason to suspect anything else, and if he does, then it's totally on him.

I do like that the LW thinks her options are keep things as they are or stop seeing the friend. Not that I think she should stop seeing the friend, but I like that she didn't say that a possible solution was to just keep quiet about seeing the friend to avoid the conflict.

I don't see how a lunch two or three times a year should be too much for the boyfriend to worry about, as long as it's not on the down-low, and as long as she's not giving him any other reasons to worry. Heck, the boyfriend might actually wind up liking the dude, given half the chance.

Yep, jealousy is a manifestation of your own insecurities. Took me a long time to learn that one, but it finally got through. Some people never get it, and I agree with everyone here that she should keep on seeing her friend and keep it above board. To do otherwise would be defeating the purpose, and giving in to her BF's insecurity. Which is NOT the way to go with this. BF needs to grow up and deal with it already.

THANK YOU, AMY!!!!!

I recently went through a heartbreaking situation with one of my oldest friends. Yes, we dated in High School. We were each other's "first"...and yes, we hooked up a few times since then when we were both single...and drunk (the last time being at least 6 years ago). Now that he's married, we're not allowed to be friends anymore. I live in New England, he lives in DC...so it's not like we even see each other three times a year. It had been 2 1/2 years since I'd seen him when I went down there for business. He told me via text message that it made his wife "uncomfortable" and he couldn't see me. He admitted that he didn't even try to explain to her that we're friends. As soon as she told him she'd be uncomfortable, he just said: "Okay" and dropped it....or dropped ME. One would think that someone so opposed to discomfort would removed the stick from her ass, but I digress.

He recently tried to reach out to me and I basically told him I was all set with just being his facebook friend after everything I had put into our friendship. He responded by telling me I just wouldn't be able to understand and blocking me on facebook like a 14 year old. There's obviously more back story, but I won't bore everyone with it. The point is, I know him and I know being controlled like that won't make him happy in the long run. No one who loves and trusts you would ask you to give up a good friend. Furthermore, a good friend wouldn't let a significant other come between a 12 year friendship.

That said, I think the letter writer should have been honest about her and the friend sleeping together. The boyfriend might be able to sense she's lying and of course that's going to make him uncomfortable. Not saying she should give up the friend, just that she should have been honest from the start.

"When will people realize that jealousy is just blaming someone else for what's wrong with you?"

Not entirely; some amount of jealousy is natural and instinctive.

"The BF here is blaming his girlfriend and her friend for what's wrong with him: insecurity."

More likely he has already sniffed that she is lying, and now he really can't trust her because he knows she is lying to him. People aren't idiots; they can usually tell when their loved ones are lying, especially three years in. Unless she is *extremely* confident in her lying skills, further lying *will* only make him trust her even less (and with good reason - she keeps lying to him - you can't trust a known liar). If you act like you have something to hide, people will pick up a feeling that you have something to hide even if you don't.

LW, you don't have anything to hide, because you haven't done anything wrong. If it were me, I would come clean, tell him you slept with the guy once, so many years ago, you have no sexual interest in the guy anymore but he is your friend, and that you lied about it only because you were afraid to hurt his feelings, not because there is something going on. I would not stop seeing your friend though; assert that you aren't going to stop seeing the friend because you aren't doing anything wrong and you 'love your current boyfriend very much' etc. etc. Also I think Amy's advice is spot-on from the "and help your boyfriend feel more secure" part.

Technically it's not your boyfriend's business who you slept with six years ago, nor is it even relevant anymore (unless you really are interested in this other guy) - BUT in a way you have now made it your boyfriend's business by bringing in lies and deception about the subject.

It's difficult to tell if he is being jealous because he's insecure and controlling, or if he's just feeling mistrustful about this particular case because he knows you're lying. If it's the former, even if you fess up you will soon be able to figure it out, and if so, then get out, people like that are horrible to be in a relationship with.

Yes, LW, you screwed up when you lied to your boyfriend. However: when a spouse or SO starts telling you who you can and can't have for friends, beware -- cluster B personality ahead! This sort of thing will only get worse, until you are completely isolated.

Is three years the magic number for people to start realizing their relationship is fucked up? That seems to be the average from a lot of the letter I read.

She says he suspects she slept with "one" of her male friends, not that he's insisting she stop seeing any of them. To me, that just doesn't automatically make him a controlling bastard.

It doesn't help that his suspicion is correct, and she lied about it. My own suspicion is that maybe it wasn't just a "one-time mistake".

Not that it matters. He's jealous, and she's a liar. They both need to find someone else.

Of course, we're all proceeding from the assumption that the LW's situation with the old friend is the only thing the boyfriend has to feel insecure about. Lobster (6:40 AM) suggests that the boyfriend already suspects the LW is lying. Taken by itself, that still makes the boyfriend look a little petty, but taken in context of their whole relationship, we really don't know.

BTW -- Pricklypear, I typed this up before your comment appeared. You said it better.

No sweat, daddy. Usually by the time I get my post figured out and entered, five people have already made my point.

Sometimes I take so long to get my thoughts together I lose interest and just delete the whole thing. (Other times I probably should do just that, but I'm kind of contrary.)

Kimmy - something you have to think about is that partners can tell when you are excited in the wrong way about seeing someone else. I don't want to pry into your life. But notwithstanding what I said above about staying friends with ex-gfs (not only that, but some of them are good friends with each other too), I crossed that line with someone once - emotional cheating is the best way of describing it - where it was obvious I was more interested in seeing someone other than my partner, even when there was no sex involved. I'm saying sex or not is not the point, people can tell when you're hung up on someone. "We last hooked up 6 years ago" doesn't always cut it.

Ok, your situation might be entirely innocent. But "we hooked up a few times since then when we were both single...and drunk" is not confidence inspiring. My high school girlfriend is married, we were together 6 years and after that never again. Her oldest boy is named after me (for really complicated family reasons) and I was MC at her wedding. Her husband is a good friend and there has never been any problem between any of us.

What I'm trying to say is your ex could be projecting the wrong signals to his wife. You might feel it's over but he might not feel the same. In my case, anyone who was jealous of me with my exes would have to really work at it, and I think the LW is similar and shouldn't dump her friend (plus I trust Amy's judgement when I know she's had further conversations than we've seen). For you, I hope that's the case, but I'm not so sure, and I guess your friend's wife is either a) picking up on something from him, or b) is a jealous bitch. Hard to tell.

Ltw, some of my friends have said the same thing. My sister seems to think he still has feelings for me. I know that I have no feelings for him in that way. I don't see why I should have to suffer if HE has feelings for me. I get that we can't be friends if that's the case, but he could tell me that. He knows me well enough to know that the way tings ended is ust going to leave me wondering why I'm not worth his time.

A few other things to note are: 1.)I wanted to meet with both him and his wife since I had not met her yet. She had friend requested me on facebok, so I though maybe she wanted to build a relationship since I'm close to him. I guess I was wrong there since when I suggested getting dinner together she sadi that she had no desire to meet one of his ex's. Guess the little bitch just wanted to do a little childish e-spying. 2.)I am VERY hapily engaged and the wife knows it.

To clarify the hooking up thing: I believe in full disclosure, that's why I threw it in there. I'm talking once or twice we hooked up since he graduated high school. Each time it was always a "scratch the itch with someone safe" type of thing. Sorry if that was vulgar. There was never any talk of dating again and there was NEVER anything inappropriate when either of us was in a relationship with someone else. It's a tough dynamic to describe. We haven't actually dated in about 11 years. Since then we have been BEST friends. We've spent a ton of time together without hooking up as well.

I get the wife being uncomfortable. I think that's natural. My problem is that he always tends to describe me as his "ex" when we have been friends for over a decade since we dated. At what point can I stop being an ex and just be a friend? That's how I describe him at this point. Furthermore, our friendship means enough to me that over the years when I have started dating a guy, I make sure we have the conversation about my male friends early on (aside from this guy I have another male friend that is ike a brother to me). I make it clear that my friends are non-negotiable. It just hurts that he couldn't give me the same consideration.

I don't know what the wife is picking up on, but I do know she's extremely insecure. She has like three masters degrees, but is totally useless with real life things like paying bills, cooking, etc. She's like a child in a lot of ways. his comes straight from HIS lips along with his family. I am kicking myself for talking him down from his cold feet now. He's insecure too. He picks women that need him on purpose so he doesn't worry about them leaving him (Mommy issues). Now, he's trying to be the man that he thinks should be married to her (she's also fro a rich family). So I guess middle-class, high school educated me just isn't good enough. Okay, that may be MY insecurity talking a little bit, but I know him well enough to know there's some truth to it. It's almost as if she doesn't want him to know how fun he used to be. It's really sad, because he's one of the funniest people I've ever met.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. I'm just still really upset about how things went down. I'm not asking him to leave her over it or even have a huge fight...but I don't think having an adult conversation that may make his precious little flower a wee bit uncomfortable is too much to ask after all these years. The blocking me on facebook thing sent me into a rage. He spewed some high and mighty bullsh*t and didn't even give me a chance to respond. Basically, he ended our friendship over facebook...not even a damn phone call. He said he was sorry things "happened" this way and there were things I wouldn't be able to understand. I'm starting to think the wife wrote it because he knows damn well I understand him better than anyone...even his family. Now I'm torn as to whether I should email him (I'd have to get the address from his sister who I am close with) or just let it go. I know the mature thing is to just let it go, but there's a huge part of me that just wants to let him know that I see right through this act and nothing "happened"...HE did this.

You know, I really just should have written to Amy...but I'm happy for anyone's advice on this, really. It's been tearing me apart for over a week now.

Sorry for all the typos. That's what happens when I type angry.

I vaguely remember something about forsaking all others and avoiding temptation. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I'm not going to see any old girlfriends. My wife would laugh, but why risk hurt feelings? If it makes my spouse unhappy, I'm not doing it.

I don't think the LW's lie should be held against her. Everyone lies. Being in a relationship should not be an inquisition. I have the right to keep some of my information to myself, no matter how long I've been with my boyfriend or how much he wheedles.

Obviously, important things like health status, whether you were ever married or have kids that you don't see...big things...have to be disclosed. But if I told my boyfriend I had 4 prior partners and I actually had 6--why is that any of his business? (That's just an example.)

I think the LW has every right to keep lying to her boyfriend about this. Current partners do not have a right to grind every last piece of information out of you for their own satisfaction.

Ouch - ok Kimmy I was too hard on you, and I didn't realise it was so recent and raw. I really didn't think having hooked up with him was vulgar (god knows I've been there too). If you've given his wife no reason to be worried you've done nothing wrong.

But do you think he really still has feelings for you? Other than your sister's opinion that is. Obviously you don't feel that way, but if he does it is probably pretty clear to his wife. You can't help that if so.

Furthermore, our friendship means enough to me that over the years when I have started dating a guy, I make sure we have the conversation about my male friends early on (aside from this guy I have another male friend that is ike a brother to me). I make it clear that my friends are non-negotiable. It just hurts that he couldn't give me the same consideration.

I do the same, if you substitute male for female. And I get the hurt, if I were to lose my 10 year plus friends (20 years in the case of the high school sweetheart I mentioned) over something like this I would be devastated.

If you want some advice - give it some time before you contact him. Give him time for "I'll never see you again" to sink in. Then ring (forget facebook or email) and explain how you feel about losing him as a friend. How he copes with that will give you your answer.

Kimmi, please excuse my bad English (my native language is Spanish), but I think you just should let it go. It doesn't matter if he's still into you, or if the wife's an insecure bitch, or if both of them are behaving childish: She doesn't want him to keep friends with you, and he already made his decision. Period. He may be seeing it, as you Americans say, as "a battle he had to choose from", as a kind of compromise to his wife, and you need to accept that. Are you sure she didn't have to give something or somebody up in exchange? For sometimes, this is how marriages work...

I can see that you've put a lot of energy and anger in this, and that your reasoning may be right. But some times you keep being friends with childhood and high-school mates, and some times you don't. Specially when it comes to very long friendships between a man and a woman, the partners may feel comfortable around some of their old flames, but not necessarily with all of them. And you know something? They don't have to. Because it's not mandatory.

It really doesn't matter how close you seem to be with somebody at one point of your lives, things and circumstances change. Maybe there will come a time in your life, now that you're engaged, when you will have to face a similar situation, and maybe your soon-to-be husband will ask you to please stop seeing this or that friend (male or female). And maybe it will seem unreasonable and unfair to you. But in the end, you, too, will have to "choose your battle" for your marriage's sake.

Anyway, just my humble opinion...

Fro Mark D: "I vaguely remember something about forsaking all others and avoiding temptation. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I'm not going to see any old girlfriends. My wife would laugh, but why risk hurt feelings?"

I get that, but does that mean foresaking friends? At what point do I stop being an "old girlfriend" and start being a friend? I've asked him that several times and he always tells me I am his friend, yet he introduces me to people as an ex. It infuriating. Furthermore, I was not aware that I was a "temptation". If I am a temptation, he should have the balls to tell me that. I would understand that, accept that we can't be friends and back off.

I'm not so sure I agree with "If it makes my spouse unhappy, I'm not doing it." You can't make your spouse happy 100% of the time. Marriage is "comfortable" all the time. It's about comprimise.

From Peggy C.: "But if I told my boyfriend I had 4 prior partners and I actually had 6--why is that any of his business? (That's just an example."

IMO, uhhh, yeah...it is! A lie is a lie. When she told her BF that she was seeing an old friend, she didn't have to automatically say: "Oh, and we bumped uglies once." However, when asked directly, it's never okay to lie. Like many people have said; he can probably sense the lie and that may be what's making him uncomfortable. My fiancé and I purposely haven't had the "how many notches" conversation. I seriously don't care how many women he's been with and he feels the same way, BUT if I asked him, I'd expect an honest answer. That's how you build trust in a relationship.

Thank you, Ltw. I don't think you were hard on me the first time. I know how it sounds to an outsider. I'm glad someone understand how badly this hurts.

"But do you think he really still has feelings for you? Other than your sister's opinion that is. Obviously you don't feel that way, but if he does it is probably pretty clear to his wife. You can't help that if so."

To be completely honest, I have thought at times over the years that he wanted more than a friendship. I always brushed those thoughts under the rug. I didn't want to believe he wanted more because I never did and I didn't want it to ruin our friendship. He's strange. Those vibes would come in waves. There were times he wanted to hook up and I turned him down because I felt he was in a place where it would mean more to him than me. I never knew if he had serious feeling for me, or if I was just someone safe to run to when he was rebounding or lonely. So maybe I was a bit of a wimp and should have asked him, but I was scared that if the answer was yes, we'd lose the friendship. The last time I got that vibe from him was about 3 years ago…and again, I have no idea if it was real, or loneliness on his part...or if I was just being full of myself. So really I have no clue if he has feelings for me. If I knew he did, it would make this a lot easier. I have my own insecurity issues (don't we all) and my heart is just breaking right now because I feel like someone I was a dedicated friend to doesn't think I'm worth even the slightest bit of discomfort.

I think you are right. I'll give it some time then say my peace...even if it is to his voicemail. I know this will eat at me for a long time if I don't get a few last things off my chest. I went at him with anger when we last spoke and I want him to know I was only so harsh with him because I am hurt...but I don't want to guilt trip him either. It'll be a tricky situation no matter what.

Mexicanita, I know you're right...and your English is a hell of a lot better than my Spanish. ;)

It's just not as easy as "just accept it". We have been friends for a very long time and we are so close. We've always joked that we are the only people who "get" each other...and that's why we' never work as a couple...we both know how messed up the other one is. I also understand why that could be intimidating to his wife. I'm just really hurt that he chose not to fight this battle, because I would have fought it for him. He didn't even show up to the battlefield. He just hid behind a bush and put up his white flag. That's what hurts the most. Knowing what I do about the dynamic of their relationship, I can tell you she has not given up a single thing for him. He's not the type to ask her to even if she were willing.

I know people grow apart, but we weren't. Every time we talked on the phone it was as if we had just spoken the day before...even if it had been months. However, as I looked back on it, I noticed that he would only talk to me while she wasn't around. I don't like being made to feel like the "other woman". Maybe that played into her suspicion of me.

I can tall you one thing: this will never happen in my marriage. I'm marrying a secure, understanding, trusting man. I have hung out with ex's since he and I have been together...pretty recent ones, even. I'm friendly with most of the guys I've dated. I don't hang out with them all the time, but once in a while I grab a coffee with one of them if they need a friend. There are some I wouldn't see if he asked me too, but he would never ask. Plus, these are guys I dated that it would be nice to see and talk to, but I don't look at them as close friends the way I do the guy in question, so it's different. I don't ask him not to see anyone either. I trust him. I could not agree to spend the rest of my life with someone if we didn't trust each other completely.

Kimmy, it's not really my place to say anything, but I have to say I'm with Mexicanita on this one. Let it go. Don't even try to contact him; he's made his decision. How he came to that decision is between him and his wife, and while it's not pleasant to contemplate, it's none of your business now.

Regarding Peggy C's comment, "I don't think the LW's lie should be held against her. Everyone lies. Being in a relationship should not be an inquisition." True enough -- one peccadillo shouldn't be fatal, but again, it's a matter of context. As an analogy, if a kid steals a pack of gum, it's a minor matter if he's never stolen anything before, and makes restitution. But one stolen pack of gum takes on a whole new meaning if he's been caught doing it before. Then he's a thief.

Why can't the LR include her boyfriend next time she gets together with her guy-friend? If there really is nothing between them, that kind of transparency helps a lot. That's what I did and my great boyfriend gets on really well with my guy-friends.

Kimmy: I don't get a good vibe about your guy-friend's domestic situation. Maybe I'm over-sensitive because two friends of mine are getting out of controlling/abusive marriages but ... . If he's in that sort of a marriage he needs to know you'll be there for him ... .

Here's what I think you should decide - are you willing to forgive him? If so, it would be gracious to say you're seriously hurt, but if he wants to get in touch in the future you'll take his call.

If you feel that the friendship is too broken right now, say your piece or don't say your piece, whichever give you more peace.

If it were me, I would leave the door open to such an old friend - especially as I'm not sure what's going on in his marriage.

Well, here's my sermonette on this matter:

Lying to your chosen one should not be necessary. If you feel like it is, there's a problem. I can only make my point with my own examples, so here they are.

1. I have no secrets about myself. For instance, when I decided to try a relationship with a "nice" guy, (as opposed to some of the men I got up close and personal with during my last promiscuous phase) I warned him about my past. I have never had an STD, and I like to think I was somewhat particular as to my sexual partners, but it could have happened.

I have been blessed with a man who is concerned about our present and our future, not our past. We have no problem talking about our past experiences, the good and the bad, and we realize that the things we did (or were done to us) have led us to where we are. Which is a happy place, where we have been since 1980.

2. When I first returned to Montana, I got involved with a man who complained at one point about how quickly I had been accepted and liked by our group of mutual friends. (He was gorgeous, but still managed to be an insecure whiner.) All I could say was that maybe it was because I didn't worry about whether they liked me or not.

3. If you have no secrets, no one can "get" anything on you.

4. Regarding secrets: I have always warned my friends not to tell me any secrets. Especially good ones. Everybody thinks there's one person they can trust with their shit, and it all comes out.

So what happens? They tell me anyway! And usually I can keep their secret, only to have it get told to me by somebody else that was "trusted."

So to hell with secrets and lies. You don't have to treat your friends and lovers like you're in a confessional, but unless you're a serial killer like Dexter, why hide who you are?

Thus endeth the lesson.

Ok, I wasn't going to say anything, but something about the story that Kimmy has related to us doesn't ring true. You guys are such close friends that you have never met his wife? You talked him out of cold feet about marrying this woman that you never met? You have painted her with a pretty ugly brush and like someone else said, we don't know what he made her give up.

This may sound harsh and I really don't mean for it to, but girl, you have to let it go. From what you have told us here you guys have two radically different views of what your relationship was. He either has changed his mind about how important you were to him, or you were never that important. Holding on to the idea he is carrrying a secret flame for you is only keeping this "relationship" going in your mind. He's married, you are going to be married... let it go. Show some respect for the man you ARE marrying and stop worrying about the one who is now firmly in your past. Trust me, you will be happier in the long run.

To second Lobster's point, jealousy doesn't necessarily arise from insecurity, though the LW's boyfriend's may. But being 'secure' in a relationship, and trusting your partner, isn't going to make you immune from feelings of jealousy.

I think that it's reasonable to assume that the boyfriend has picked up on the fact that she's lying. So now she's got a problem. She's been having private get togethers with the ex - why is this exactly? - and if she tells the BF the truth it's just going to confirm to him that he should be suspicious.

Here's some advice for the ladies - avoid too much detail on your past relationships until a guy gets to know you. A lot of women seem to feel compelled to dump all of this info on you right at the beginning and it can have a negative impact. It makes your past boyfriends seem more significant than they probably are, and diminishes what you're trying to establish with the guy who you're telling all this to.

Sheep writes:

"Show some respect for the man you ARE marrying and stop worrying about the one who is now firmly in your past. Trust me, you will be happier in the long run."

Word.

Kimmy, put your energy into what will be, not what was, or might have been. If you do that, I'm pretty sure you will find that a month or two from now, the frustration you are feeling will be much less keenly felt.

If you unload on your ex (or old friend, whatever) you will just keep this frustration fresh.

Feed the right wolf, and soon the other one will be too weak to bother you.

To me something is definately missing in this letter. Why is the bf jealous of a guy she sees 2-3 times a year. Unless she is in a nunnery she sees plenty of other guys every day, probably the same ones over and over every day. If he is insecure and jealous of them then fine he is an insecure jealous guy. But if not...
Why be jealous of this guy?
Did she call out his name in the throws of passion, does she have a shrine to him, name her favorite vibrator after him?

He suspect, she lies.

Theres a small chance this guy wants out of the relationship but wont pull the trigger.

LW sit him down explain your lie - dont make excuses - appologise.

If he dumps you he was looking for an out all along.

If he is more upset over the lie, he is a keeper.

If he is more upset over the fact that you had a relationship yrs before you met him then you need to seriously asses whether or not he is healthy relationship material

From Sheepmommy:
"Ok, I wasn't going to say anything, but something about the story that Kimmy has related to us doesn't ring true."

Doesn't ring true? Is this the part of the internet comments where someone comes in and tries to "prove" I'm being dishonest? I love it when that happens.

"You guys are such close friends that you have never met his wife?"

Yes, we were very close friends who lived far apart. Like I said, I live in New England and he has been living in DC. He met and married this woman pretty quickly. Since they met, he has been up north once for a friend's wedding and apparently they fought the whole time so he didn't think it was a good time for us to meet. At least, that's what he told me at the time. I have a feeling he knew back then that she would never want to meet me.

"You talked him out of cold feet about marrying this woman that you never met?"

Yes, when he called me about how nervous he was, I talked him down from the ledge so-to-speak. I thought I was being a good friend by saying that everyone gets cold feet and if he really loved her, everything else would fall into place. He had some concerns about her being needy and the fact that she's never worked or tried to take care of herself.

"You have painted her with a pretty ugly brush and like someone else said, we don't know what he made her give up."

I know this guy. He is too p*ssy whipped by her at this point to make her give up anything.

"This may sound harsh and I really don't mean for it to, but girl, you have to let it go. From what you have told us here you guys have two radically different views of what your relationship was. He either has changed his mind about how important you were to him, or you were never that important."

This very thought is what is breaking my heart. I really do not want to believe that I have been fooled for the last 12 years.

"Holding on to the idea he is carrrying a secret flame for you is only keeping this "relationship" going in your mind."

Holding on to? Sweetie, go back and read again. My sister seems to think that is the reason for this. I admitted that in the past there were times I got that kind of vibe from him, but that was years ago. I'm pretty sure I know why he's doing this, but unless you've known the guy as long as I have, you wouldn't get it so it's pointless to try to explain it here.

"He's married, you are going to be married... let it go. Show some respect for the man you ARE marrying and stop worrying about the one who is now firmly in your past. Trust me, you will be happier in the long run."

Lady, you have no fucking idea the respect I have for my fiance. Leave him out of this. Wanting to stay in contact with an old friend is NOT disrespectful in any way, shape or form. I am heartbroken over losing an old friend. I recently had a falling out with one of my only female friends and felt the same way. Is that disrespectful to my fiance....or is it only disrespectful to be upset about losing a friend with a penis?

Old RPM: It's ust so infuriating for someone to be able to make me feel like absolute garbage and then be told that the reasons are "none of my business". I'm not saying you're completely wrong, just that I feel like after all our years of friendship, I deserved a phone call and explaination...and a proper goodbye, not some self-absorbed bulsh*t on facebook folowed promtly by being blocked. He's trying to be such a big grown up husband but is acting like a 14 year old girl to me (and some other people who used to call him a friend). It's just a tough pill to swallow.

AntoniaB: I have though that also. I have a bad feeling about his home life, too. I think he is doing everything he can to make this marriage easier which means bending to her every demand. If that's his decision, fine. If would just tell me that, I'd be able to accept it and back off (after assuring him that I will be here to pick up the peices if it doesn't work out). I'm not sure I could be there for him at this point. I would want to be, but at some point I need to draw the line.

Oh, and I agree with whomever said that she should let her BF come with her to lunch. That seems like it would help...unless he's like the little bitch my friend married. If the BF won't go, then the friend isn't the only problem and if she doesn't want them to hang out, the BF has something to be woried about.

Kimmy - I hear ya. It was the factor of the possible domestic situation where his wife might be isolating him that made me thing it worthwhile to consider leaving the door open. I can understand you saying enough is enough.

I went through something similar with a friend when she married. There was no spouse her cutting off, she just seemed to have zero interest in keeping up over several years and she never bothered to check in when she knew my pet was extremely sick. That was the last straw as she's an animal lover and knows how much he means to me. It made me really sad because we'd been very emotionally intimate friends - but that's the way it is. I just won't ever feel the same about her again.

"I think the LW has every right to keep lying to her boyfriend about this."

Said as if lying stays in such neat compartments...

"I think the LW has every right to keep lying to her boyfriend about this."

Right - someone not being entitled to info does not give you a free card to lie. Find a way not to answer the question, when you start lying it starts eroding trust.

"Yep, jealousy is a manifestation of your own insecurities."

I was the absolute opposite of jealous. I was completely trusting, until I found out my wife was having a 5 year long affair with her internet "friend". First he travelled here several times, then she had to travel for work. Later, he moved to our town from out of state. Now I'm not so trusting anymore, but I don't think it is because I'm "insecure".

"He recently tried to reach out to me and I basically told him I was all set with just being his facebook friend after everything I had put into our friendship. He responded by telling me I just wouldn't be able to understand and blocking me on facebook like a 14 year old. There's obviously more back story, but I won't bore everyone with it. The point is, I know him and I know being controlled like that won't make him happy in the long run. No one who loves and trusts you would ask you to give up a good friend."

I would argue that it isn't necessarily controlling behavior, but boundary setting. I, for instance, never tell my wife what to do. I frankly rarely even ASK her to do anything, not even little things. If I see something that needs to be done, I either do it myself or else it isn't important enough. I'm a very live and let live person. But I have set some conditions, which does not mean I'm attempting to control her behavior. If you set a condition that your husband can't hit you, does that mean you are controlling? One of the conditions I set was that she not have any contact with the person she was having an affair with. You may consider that controlling, I don't. I also set a condition that I would be able to object to any friendship with a male outside of the relationship that I felt uncomfortable with. You may consider that controlling, I don't. I consider it a non-negotiable clause in our contract.

The problem with friendships with people of the opposite sex outside of the marriage is that they can easily become something else, and it is very difficult to draw a nice, bright line of what is acceptable and what is not. If the relationship is something (or contains elements) that the person feels the needs to hide from their other spouse, that is a big warning sign. The problem is that the spouse has no way of knowing when that line has been crossed. Emotional affairs lead to physical affairs. When your spouse is investing substantial emotional intimacy in a friend of the opposite sex, it can reduce emotional intimacy with their spouse and frequently leads to sexual affairs.

I don't tell my wife that she can't have male friends, but she knows that she's not going to be getting close to (or spending large amounts of time with) any unrelated, adult male outside of our marriage, because I will simply walk. Take it or leave it. YOu can call that controlling behavior.

I don't give a donkey's bollocks.

Oh, BTW...

For those people who don't understand why a person would have issues with their spouse maintaining a friendship with an old flame (especially their first), those are the people with whom your spouse is most likely to engage in an affair. Until I was cheated on, I knew next to nothing about affairs, and I always thought the sit-com episodes about old flames were stupid...but after I was cheated on, I did alot of reasearch on infidelity, and old flames are bad news.

And Kimmy, after reading everything you've written, I can see why the wife wants your ex to cut off all contact with you. Very bad vibes. When you talk about how he is so close to you and you two are the only ones who understand each other, that's just bad news.

When you get married, your emotional intimacy is supposed to go to your spouse, not a friend, certainly not a friend of the opposite sex. Your friend's wife isn't insecure, she's perceptive.

I agree with other posters here regarding Kimmy.
When people marry, their spouses become the most important people in their lives. They come before family, friends, everyone. That’s the way it should be. He made a choice, and as much as you believe you “understand him better than anyone” there might be stuff you don’t know, and should not know about his marriage. (BTW, I think before declaring the guy is controlled by his wife you need more evidence than “not wanting to hang out with an ex-gf”).

Leave the guy alone, move on with you life and your fiance, whom you are supposedly very happy with, and don’t try to get back in contact.
He is not interested in continuing the friendship. You can’t force him into it, you can’t force a confession/explanation or anything out of him either.

And for your assertion he should have the guts to tell in outright if you are a “temptation” – no he doesn’t. You just want it because it will flatter you. He owes you no explanation, as much as you would like one. He already sent you a clear message and the only way a sane person would react is to leave him alone.

Kimmi: I don't know what the wife is picking up on, but I do know she's extremely insecure. She has like three masters degrees, but is totally useless with real life things like paying bills, cooking, etc. She's like a child in a lot of ways. this comes straight from HIS lips

Well what the hell was he doing badmouthing his wife to you, anyway? And if he did that, is it any wonder she's insecure? Wouldn't you be?

"Well what the hell was he doing badmouthing his wife to you, anyway?"

Maybe he wasn't badmouthing his wife at all, and was just making some observations about their different roles in the relationship. With three grad degrees, maybe she's the breadwinner and he organizes the online bill pay and cooks dinner. Folks have different strengths and weaknesses.

People hear what they want to hear. If Kimmy wanted to hear him bitch about his wife, and I suspect she did, that's exactly what she heard.

Pricklypear wrote: Lying to your chosen one should not be necessary. If you feel like it is, there's a problem.
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I absolutely agree.

If you cannot be honest with your spouse then you either need a new spouse or you need counselling to deal with your inability to tell the truth. You cannot expect someone to trust you if you do not trust them enough to tell them the truth.

Discretion is called for here. It's best to say, "That was another time and another place. I don't think about it anymore." Honesty about sex is over rated.

I'm pretty surprised at the response to this letter and vehemently disagree. Well, not so vehemently -- my reaction depends on how serious a relationship this woman is talking about with her boyfriend. Girlfriend/boyfriend relationships can run the gamut.

Assuming this is a long-term, very serious relationship, of course you should not have lunch with this guy anymore. Seeing him in a group setting would be no big deal, but an intimate lunch date? That's as inappropriate as anything I can think of.

Fact: he want's to sleep with you again.

Fact: in his mind, and perhaps in reality as well, he has a pretty good shot at sleeping with you again.

If the letter writer is honest with herself, she might discover that this slightly dangerous component of the relationship is a large part of what is attracting her.

Here is an example from my own experience. My ex-wife and I are very close. We were married for 17 years and have three children together. In spite of the dissolution of our marriage, I consider her my most valued friend.

I was casually dating a woman that wasn't a big deal to me. She was fun to hang out with and met a certain need, if you know what I mean. She would get very upset when I would go out with my ex-wife. We would simply have a few drinks and discuss issues germane to the raising of our children, etc. It's perfectly innocent.

This woman that I was dating, just like everyone on here seems to be saying, had her pitiful insecurities manifest themselves in jealousy and felt certain that there was some kind of sexual relationship continuing with my ex-wife.

She was right.

I'm not saying I have sex with my ex-wife every time I see her. It's only when she says yes. I don't feel a damn bit bad about it either. She's the mother of my children, a great friend, and she's very sexy.

If ever I meet someone who I determined to be "the one", I couldn't possibly disrespect her by continuing to see my ex-wife one-on-one.

I'm just catching up on last week's columns. I'm glad to see that people called out Kimmy for her BS.

Kimmy, I hope your fiance´ figures you out and breaks your engagement before it's too late. If I were your ex-boyfriend's wife, I'd want you out of the picture, too. With all of your whining about Facebook, you sound like the 14-year-old, not him.

I always thought a little bit of jealousy was OK, it meant you still cared about your significant other not to let anyone else have them.

People: Why are we investing so much time psycho-analyzing this? There isn't anything to say. It sux to have lost your friend, it truly does, but you have to respect what he said. Cherish the good times, forget the bad, and MOVE ON!!! Peace out!