Economists call it the "sunk cost fallacy." Poker players call it "throwing good money after bad."

This boyfriend reminds me a great deal of the boyfriend in the previous column House Swarming. That dude actually moved in with his girlfriend shortly before inviting some guests to stay. He was using them as a shield from the girlfriend he didn't want anymore but was too cowardly to actually break up with. She said she was leaving and he offered to help her pack.

This guy's doing the same thing: finding excuses why he and the LW can't spend time together, but not actually breaking up with her. The traumatized roommate makes an even better shield than the houseguests, because the LW is scared of being thought of as heartless for asserting that roomie can't actually dictate what goes on between LW and her boyfriend. Amy's right in that a decent boyfriend would tell the roommate to deal or move out.

I don't see from this letter that he was being calculating about any of this, but I do think he's seizing any opportunity he can to push LW away without actually saying the words to end it.

LW, Rex is right: you're assessing your relationship from the perspective of what you've put into it. What you need to do is figure out what you can get from it in the future if nothing major changes. Do both of you the favor of ending it, since he obviously wants to.

On a maybe-not-at-all-related note, where are her kids when LW and BF are theoretically having sex at his place?

On a maybe-not-at-all-related note, where are her kids when LW and BF are theoretically having sex at his place?

Babysitter or neighbour comes over maybe? she has a roommate too perhaps? Not that I see the problem with a three year boyfriend staying the night unless her kids sleep in her bed. I'm the eldest of four so I know for a fact my parents had sex with me in the house :)

Otherwise NumberSix - pretty much what you said.

LW says, "My boyfriend of three and a half years treats me well, but..."

The tell is always in the phrase after the coordinating conjunction. To review the evidence of how well he's treated her, let's look at the follwing:

- He never says he loves her. Maybe he shows it, but showing it is harder than saying it, so if he could do the hard part, he should be able to do the easy part. If he can't do the hard part, then the easy part is meaningless anyway.

- He's taken in a roommate to stave off foreclosure. Okay, understandable in some circumstances. Female? Oh, well, maybe if you're desparate to avoid penury. She's unemployed? Well, that'll sure get the mortgage paid, won't it?

- Roommate is uncomfortable with people having sex when she's in the house. Who told the LW that, the boyfriend or the roommate? That strikes me as important somehow, in terms of whose style is being cramped most.

If the LW thinks the points above amount to being treated well, then she had no reason to write Miss Alkon at all. If she doesn't, then the question isn't whether the boyfriend is worth keeping, but what she ever saw in him in the first place. Three and a half years is a long time to wait for things to get better, especially if they won't.

Break up. You want to, but need an excuse. You have it: you want to.

Actually, I think the LW should tell the BF "you're not giving me what I need, so I'm going to go find it somewhere else. After I get myself some therapy to understand why I let you feed me a load of bullshit in the first place."

This guy is so passive-aggressive it's not funny. And this: He's taken in a roommate to stave off foreclosure. Okay, understandable in some circumstances. Female? Oh, well, maybe if you're desparate to avoid penury. She's unemployed? Well, that'll sure get the mortgage paid, won't it? should have raised a big ol' red flag!

Good call, rpm daddy!

Does anyone else think the bf is actually sleeping with the "roommate"? Sometimes, I think these letters must be fake bc nobody could be this stupid, but desperate women will believe anything. Move on LW... He is just not that into you.

Does anyone else think the bf is actually sleeping with the "roommate"? 

First thing I though when I read

She doesn't have a job now

As RPM pointed out this really kills the mortgage assistance aspect. Also to use that as an excuse to avoid sex takes a deep level of fucked up.

Roommate is new girlfriend. Girlfriend is now ex. Proof: he lives with the unemployed "roommate" who doesnt like sex in the house, or is that she doesn't like her boyfriend having sex with anyone else other then her

Bingo, Amanda! And also this: LW, you aren't getting paid to be some guy's therapist. Please go find yourself a man who isn't a basket case.

If the LW's boyfriend was really into her, there is nothing on the planet that he would allow to come between them and their sex life. For that matter, even if he wasn't into her and just wanted to use her for sex, he STILL wouldn't let something interfere with his booty call. Instead, the goofball is basically finding excuses not to sleep with her.

I don't see why she says he "treats her well." He doesn't treat her well at all, and it doesn't seem she is getting anything positive out of this. Maybe she is afraid to be alone, but there is no way being alone could be worse than this. Leave this guy, along with all his crazy post-divorce baggage and his nutbag roommate. Dating a tree stump would be better.

Roommate is new girlfriend. Girlfriend is now ex.

That didn't even occur to me. I suppose it's possible. I hope not.

If the LW's boyfriend was really into her, there is nothing on the planet that he would allow to come between them and their sex life. For that matter, even if he wasn't into her and just wanted to use her for sex, he STILL wouldn't let something interfere with his booty call.

Pirate Jo, guys can have periods of low libido too. It can happen even when they are into their partner. Insecurity (of whatever kind) is usually the cause, it's possible to feel repulsive and unworthy even with a willing partner. I will agree it's easier for guys to put that aside.

I'm not saying she should put up with it, but the "bf doesn't want me for sex he must be getting it somewhere else" assumption is not always true.

@Sheepmommy: "Sometimes, I think these letters must be fake bc nobody could be this stupid, but desperate women will believe anything."

Desparate dudes, too.

He could be okay with not having sex with her because he's depressed and has no libido to speak of. That is fairly common, so I don't necessarily think he's boinking the housemate.

Sometimes, I think these letters must be fake bc nobody could be this stupid, but desperate women will believe anything.

Kind of a catch 22, because if someone is suspicious of things like this people are quick to call them jealous and insecure harpies...

Didn't know where to put this... Just saw the headline - Obesity Adds To Sex Problems and thought "Well, duh". Then thought I should share this.

http://www.wsbtv.com/nationalnews/23912395/detail.html

**Letter's real, Sheepmommy.**

I figured it was, just sad for her and her kids. She needs to start making better choices for all of their sakes.

+1 on roommate boinking!

And how the hell does the roommate know whether you're having sex or not, and why doesn't she have the courtesy to leave for a while if it's such an issue?

Like Pirate Jo stated, as a guy, if I'm into you, I'm going to move heaven and earth to be with you. There's no way in hell that I'm going to let my roommate stand in the way. It doesn't even compute.

How does she know? It's obvious...

I once lived next to a couple who were having sex all the time. It was so annoying. I mean, I had to put my ear right up against the wall and listen really, really closely to hear but still...

I have a friend who was recently dating a guy for about a month. He's clean-cut and nice-looking, but she noticed he wasn't into having sex that much, which was odd since it's a new relationship. Like, in the mornings, she'd want to, and he'd say that he had to make it to the gym or work.

Another friend of ours works at a doctor's office. The guy's ex wife came in and was chit-chatting while having her blood drawn, and she told our friend that said guy left her for ANOTHER MAN! He has a secret male lover but hasn't come out of the closet yet.

Because of privacy laws, second girlfriend can't tell first girlfriend what she knows (although I'm going to tell her I heard it around town). They've broken up now, but I still think she should be informed, as they weren't using protection.

My point is that a guy who is willing to forego sex is usually getting it somewhere else. It may not be with the roomate, but something is wrong if he'd agree to this arrangment. Either he's not really into women or has some other sexual issues...or he's got another girlfriend. LW should end this, and maybe have some STD testing.

What privacy laws prevent a woman from telling her ex-s new woman about his preferences?

I can see the doctor not being able to tell... but the woman herself?

NicoleK, it's my girlfriend who works in the doctor's office who isn't supposed to share what patients tell her. Then again, she told me, but she knows I wouldn't get her into trouble by revealing where it came from. It's actually not medical information - just gossip - which I'm not sure is covered by privacy laws anyway, but she worries for her job.

Clinically depressed people can lose their sex drive. They can also be slack about taking care of their lives and standing up for themselves ( yes, I can have sex in my house ).

Telling a person without a job to move out is not pleasant and I imagine it would be even harder for a severely depressed person to do.

You all could be right, but the guy could also be telling the truth.

It is the same either way, the GF isn't getting what she wants and the ball is in her court to change that.

Being depressed from a divorce that happened 6 years ago is too long. At the least she should tell him that and that he should do something about it.

It is the same either way, the GF isn't getting what she wants and the ball is in her court to change that.

That's a good point, Steve. And it's something that we and the LWs can forget when it comes to relationship troubles. Sometimes it just doesn't matter why, it only matters that it is. In that case, like you said, the action must be taken either way. Amy and other columnists I read have said this before about breakups. You don't always get a reason why. In reference to relationship problems, there is the status quo and what you need changed about it. LW can't control her BF or his reasons; she can only do what she can do: in this case, tell BF that the way things are isn't working for her.

Without details I will just say my dad was horrible to my mother when they were married. They divorced and now my dad is married to a woman who treats him like he treated my mother.
My mother said, " I loved him the way I wanted to be loved and I realize now he loved me the way he wanted to be loved."
Wisdom can not be taught, it has to be learned.

A pretty good rule of thumb: If you're writing to Amy you already know the show's over.

Get out now while you still have a chance at happiness.