Swept Off Her Feed
I've been dating a woman for three months, but told her that I don't ever see getting serious with her. Initially, she seemed fine with keeping things casual, but lately, she's been teasing me, asking how long we have to date before I change my Facebook relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship." Hers says "single," but I get the feeling that if I changed mine, she'd change hers pronto.
--Socially Networked
This friend of a friend of a friend "friended" me on Facebook. Okay, fine, I friended him back. A few days later, barely awake, I signed on Facebook to the announcement "Josh Fakename is in an open relationship." Don't know the guy, never met the guy, but at least I don't have to wonder whether he's having sex with multiple partners.
Welcome to the Too Much Information Age. People sign up for Facebook or start blogging and tweeting without giving much thought to what their personal privacy policy will be. Because a button exists for them to give out information, they go ahead and do it. But, this isn't the doctor's office, where keeping secrets can cause death or other serious side effects. Facebook is a cesspool of ill-advised revelations, with some privacy settings, and just like in an arrest, you have the right to remain silent, and should probably use it more often than not.
You've already informed your, uh, insignificant other of your relationship status. If your feelings are unlikely to change, gently make that known so she doesn't hang around nursing false hope. While you're at it, you might change your relationship status on Facebook to the default -- not yet filled out. In the future, you can provide it on a need-to-know basis, like when the dinner party host wonders if there's a plus-one, and when you're ordering at Starbucks: "I'll have a tall Americano and my life partner here will have a grande mocha with whip."
I'm not on Facebook, but I wouldn't think that it's required that you have some sort of relationship status posted. Unless you want people to know you're single and provide you with relationship prospects, I advocate not indicating any status. Having a status posted means that you will likely have to change that status at some point in time, thereby informing anyone you let on your page of your ugly breakup (or keeping your status the same and having people know that you broke up and haven't changed it).
I think this part of the letter has a good bit to do with the LW's problem:
but lately, she's been teasing me, asking how long we have to date before I change my Facebook relationship status
That ain't teasing, my brother. I actually don't buy that anyone really teases about relationship status to his or her partner, mostly because it's not funny. In her case, LW's girl is disguising her fishing and wheedling as cute teasing. This means she's likely afraid of what the answer will be if she asks outright. And she does know the answer, because he told her. I'm with Amy in that the answer needs repeating. If the "teasing" persists, I'd say that LW needs to break up with her.
On a final note, am I alone in my dismay that the best marker of being in a relationship is one's Facebook status? Because it doesn't have any real meaning. LW could change his status just to appease his girlfriend and still not want anything but casual from her. Proclaiming to the virtual world that you're in a relationship doesn't make it so.
NumberSix at August 10, 2010 10:36 PM
It is most certainly not required NumberSix, and I wouldn't be on it if it was. Mine is not displayed at all, for exactly the reasons you described.
Ltw at August 11, 2010 2:01 AM
I get paid to let computers ruin my life. You people do it for free?
MarkD at August 11, 2010 5:47 AM
Well, duh, after three months she doesn't want to keep it casual anymore. If I was in her shoes, I'd leave the guy and go find someone who was into me. If I was the guy, I'd break it off with her because I wouldn't want her to get hurt any more than she probably already will.
But he will probably just keep stringing her along for the nookie, and she'll probably keep putting up with it, hoping the situation will change. Nothing new to see here, move on.
Pirate Jo at August 11, 2010 6:45 AM
Just be careful if she invites you to her house to study for a test.
Pricklypear at August 11, 2010 7:43 AM
Myself and some of my guy friends, yes we talk, tell women we are not interested in relationships.
Once you tell them that they seem to take it as a challenge, and throw lots of gratuitous sex our way hoping to change our minds.
When we don't change our minds they become upset.
We were upfront and told them, all that is missing is putting it in writing.
Girls if you throw free sex at guys they will take it. If they are upfront and tell you, don't try to force a relationship.
David M. at August 11, 2010 8:18 AM
As Ltw said, you don't have to name a status. I do put "enagaged" on mine though, which has come in handy when ex boyfriends have "friended" me. It's clear where I stand, but if it wasn't, I'd leave my status blank.
LW seems to know where he stands too - single. I agree with Number6 that people don't "joke" wbout this. She's fishing, and he needs to be direct because many women who enter into these so-called "casual" relationships believe they will get more serious. We've heard urban myths about this happening but usually know one that it actually happened to. Still, we are eternally hopeful, believing every night of passion might've changed things, so unfortunately, you guys need to keep saying, "This is only casual."
Of course, it's different if you're with a woman who truly wants things to stay casual, but those are rare. Most women use the casual label as a way to get in the door.
lovelysoul at August 11, 2010 10:12 AM
Hey, letterwriter, be a good guy. Next time she teases about the status thing, gently ask her to put into words her real question, which seems to be "what is *our* relationship status?"
You can tell her that she can go first and explain what she wants and how she views your status at present--i.e., what is it, and whether it meets her expectations or where it falls short.
Since most women claim they want to talk about such things, she will probaly be in no position to clam up. But since, in reality, most women want MEN to talk about such things to THEM, expect the response to be, "Uh, well, um, you go first!"
Women want you to give information so they can then sift through the phrasings like an archeologist in the dessert sand looking for great finds that thrill them. But disclosing things themselves?! Are you kidding?! You are supposed to do that, don't you know?
So you should expect very, very little actual disclosure on her part.
In sum, she is teasing because she is afraid of your answers, which are likely going to be noncommittal. She secretly hopes you will burst into effusive song about how much you love her and cannot live without her, swear eternal love and assure her that no other woman was ever so loved.
You likely don't feel that way. And she is scared, because women really want you to feel that way. (Even if they don't feel that way about you.)
Spartee at August 11, 2010 10:57 AM
Maybe a little off topic. Okay, way off topic and on the Facebook topic.
For us gals, it really doesn't matter what our status is on there because we are the only sex who looks at that. Mine has said engaged for months and I mention my beloved on a regular basis. My engagement ring is never off in public either and I know you know what is coming.
On Facebook, I get guys all the time hitting on me (one from abroad I sent you a funny story about :) and they "discover" after numerous mentions of having a detailed profile that I am engaged!
Sorry, I think the topic hit a little nerve. Nothing to see here, move along :)
Suki at August 11, 2010 11:14 AM
Listen, I met the love of my life through a computer, and achieved many other friendships through this space-age medium.
But can we all just take a moment to step back and acknowledge that Facebook is just fuckin' wackazoid? That it's basically a mechanism through which organized crime takes sustenance from the chirpy, Disney-club impulses of naive Americans?
Crid [CridComment at gmail] at August 11, 2010 11:31 AM
@Crid . . .
. . . or perhaps a way to reconnect with awesome old friends from college, make meet-up plans with people in distant cities while traveling, see cute updates from nieces and nephews, discover new music, and do surprisingly effective professional networking (I've hired a couple of writers, some models, illustrators, and an editor or two through Facebook friends-of-friends).
But wait . . . perhaps my long-lost high school pal, that South American artist who helped with my website, and my elderly mom are, in fact, part of an organized crime cabal. Hmmm . . . it's all coming together suddenly . . .
Anathema at August 11, 2010 11:45 AM
Facebook is fine so long as you understand something about it. Like television, YOU are the product, and you are being sold to advertisers. The service itself is simply bait to get you into the market to be sold.
brian at August 11, 2010 1:23 PM
I'm one of the few freaks who loves Facebook. I love hearing about the mundane things going on in the lives of friends who live far away. I could email these people every once in awhile, but they likely wouldn't tell me about the antics of their cat or a sleazy thing someone said at work -- things I would hear about if we lived closer together.
MonicaP at August 11, 2010 2:25 PM
This is definitely a generational thing. Speaking as a college student, facebook relationship statuses are a big deal. It's our generation's equivalent of a wedding ring: an unmistakeable yet unobtrusive signal that someone is off (or on) the market. Just like you can surreptitiously glance at someone's ring finger before flirting or asking them out, it's easy to check someone's facebook before making a move. It's also a good tool when you think someone might be hitting on you but don't want to be presumptuous or awkward by announcing you have a S.O.-you can just friend them on facebook and let them see for themselves. And refusing to display your relationship on facebook is a kind of like refusing to wear your wedding ring-it doesn't make you less married, but it begs the question of what exactly your motives are.
And I think the most useful purpose of a facebook relationship status is exactly the purpose it serves in this letter-clearing up ambiguity in a relationship. LW's girlfriend might wish they were in a relationship and believe that they're heading in that direction, but if he's not willing to change his facebook status then they're clearly not.
Shannon at August 11, 2010 5:24 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/08/swept-off-her-f.html#comment-1741926">comment from ShannonShannon, that's why I suggest non-participation. You can be one of those people who doesn't spill all on Facebook.
Amy Alkon at August 11, 2010 6:16 PM
I think Shannon makes the case that we are (mostly) old fuddyduddies, incapable of appreciating Facebook, much like our parents hated that "loud music" and feared it would end civilization.
I happen to like Facebook a lot myself, but then, with a teenage daughter, I try to stay current. Like Shannon says, this is their way of communicating, and it's a pretty nice way of connecting with family and friends once you get used to it.
As she says, the status thing is clearer than anything we ever came up with, besides a ring, and, used properly, can prevent a lot of misunderstandings. LW just needs to stick to his guns and refuse to change his status.
lovelysoul at August 11, 2010 6:41 PM
But he will probably just keep stringing her along for the nookie,
Posted by: Pirate Jo
Given he told her before anything started he wasnt interested in a relationship, how is he stringing her along?
lujlp at August 11, 2010 6:50 PM
He needs to get out of this non-relationship before it blows up in his face. Yes, he made it clear to her... but at the same time she's made it pretty clear to him that she DOES want a relationship. So if major drama happens down the road, which it will, he can't say he wasn't warned. Knowing, as he does, that this girl wants a relationship, he should end it. Now.
NicoleK at August 11, 2010 11:17 PM
Luj, what NicoleK said. It's like driving defensively in traffic. When someone cuts you off, you hit the brakes in order to avoid an accident. You don't just slam into them anyway because, hey, the accident was their fault. I'm being practical, here.
The girl is in denial, thinking things will change, and that's on her. Nevertheless, him self-servingly keeping this going, knowing she's going to get hurt, doesn't exactly make him a nice guy.
Pirate Jo at August 12, 2010 6:40 AM
I'm wondering why he's even writing at all. If he wants his martial status to be blank or say single on FB, then keep it that way. Why should he change it for someone he doesn't see as girlfriend material and why worry about it? Be a big boy, use your words, and remind her that you haven't changed your stance. If he's so chicken to remind her by looking at her in the eyes and saying it, then write it on her Wall.
I kept mine blank when I had Facebook and merely stated I was only looking for friendship or networking purposes. Then I deleted my entire account. One can only take so much 'Muffy pooped on my bed, again!' or 'Going to the doctor. I hope they can remove that growth this time.', etc.
Kendra at August 13, 2010 12:58 AM
Wonder what are the odds that Josh Fakename just *wishes* he had multiple partners? Facebook can be good for bragging, too.
KrisL at August 13, 2010 6:47 PM
I think if the LW has to keep bringing up the fact that the relationship is casual, there's a message there for him: she's not getting it. If it is just casual then moving on shouldn't be a problem for LW, right? Find someone who says yes to casual. Ah....but that might be the problem...finding someone who will. Easier to complain about the woman he's with now.
ie at August 13, 2010 7:32 PM
in my experience, you do not keep multiple partners by advertising that fact.
BOTU at August 14, 2010 7:58 PM
I wish more respected privacy. Not mine. I do a pretty good job of safeguarding that on my own. But theirs. Facebook makes you privy to more information than you care to know the way most people use it.
I was chatting online and this girl I just met basically wanted to become friends on Facebook with her second sentence to me.
"Uh, we don't know each other..."
Eventually, after a few weeks, we did finally become friends on Facebook. But now I know her first and last name, her boyfriend's her dogs, where she lives, etc. And she was willing to divulge this information to a total stranger on the internet that she only spoke one sentence to.
I should create a fake Facebook profile and list "serial killer" under occupation and see how many invites I get.
Patrick at August 16, 2010 6:25 AM
As a former "casual" partner i have been this woman. She is being blunt about what she wants the "relationship" to be but he needs to know that she is not having her needs met and is not content being sex buddies. I was fortunate, my sex buddy realized that he wanted me for more than a casual roll in the hay and we started dating. This was after many tears and inner arguments and self-loathing. Good luck, and after three months either dump her or make your feeling perfectly clear. You might lose her as a sex buddy but she could be the best girlfriend that you ever have.
Rai at August 23, 2010 7:55 PM
"We were upfront and told them, all that is missing is putting it in writing.
Girls if you throw free sex at guys they will take it. If they are upfront and tell you, don't try to force a relationship"
Ohhhh where do I start deconstructing this argument?!?!?!
While I find that argument personally and socially offensive, I will agree with your argument that having been warned, you cannot then cry foul when the relationship fails to materialize to your expectation. Having said THAT, anyone with a modicum of courtesy or just plain ol' human decency would terminate the relationship the moment they realized that the other party was developing deeper feelings for them then they had originally intended.
Just because something is free doesn't mean you should take it, just like bieng male doesn't mean you get to use it as an excuse to be horny and selfish. If you got a thousand dollars deposited in your bank account, I bet you'd be the guy taking the money and running, and then wondering why the hell the guys in the suits are showing up claiming you committed fraud! It was after all, thier mistake.
And you actually think a woman having sex with you (With that attitude I would take it as a gift....) equates to her trying to "force" you into a relationship (this is impossible) when in reality, it might just be that perhaps she's trying to ENTICE you into a relationship by showing you just how good she can make it for you, and giving you her body to show you how much she cares.
Nawww, I'm way off base.
angie at August 26, 2010 7:14 PM
This is why I change my status all the time. I was widowed for a while--a great icebreaker with new "friends" whilst chatting-- I particularly enjoyed typing ::he's dead to me now!:: I recently decided it was time to move on, and that I was ready to love again so I got gay married to my new fb wife- our one month anniversary is coming up...isn't that sweet? C'mon people! It's the internet! It's a playground for goddess sakes! It's not real! Get over your status updates already!
Gspotted at September 2, 2010 1:06 AM
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