Thin Line Between Love And Haight
After my boyfriend and I returned from a teaching stint abroad, he broke up with me. I was devastated but eventually started seeing somebody else. He got really jealous and flew out a few times to see me until I said yes to getting back together. We've had a phone relationship since January, with visits whenever possible. Well, I'm starting grad school on the East Coast, and won't be mobile for three years. But, as for moving to be with me, he's now saying he doesn't know if he can leave San Francisco. It's not even a job keeping him there! He's unemployed and still unwilling to leave one of the most expensive cities! He simply just wants to live there. I'm wondering if all the waiting's worth it since he isn't willing to work very hard for us to be together.
--Dismayed
Who says you can't take the man out of San Francisco? Just force him into the trunk of your car at gunpoint and promise him a bathroom break and a Snickers when you hit Bakersfield.
So, the guy chases you down, wins you back, and now he's not sure whether it's you or that tramp with the cable cars? That's not how love is supposed to work. According to Shakespeare, the Bronte sisters, and every romantic comedy ever made, love is throwing aside everything to crawl across broken glass on four continents, only to die in your beloved's arms. This, on the other hand, is like Romeo texting Juliet (on parchment delivered by servants), "OMG, not sure if i can give up pizza nite w family 2 b w/u."
In the real world, for people with more to them than an obsessive connection to another human being, there are often practical considerations: whether they both want kids, who's going to pay for them, whether they'll join the Hari Krishnas or keep working as tax accountants. While some people can live anywhere as long as they're with the person they love, for many, where they wake up and walk out the door every day is no small thing. It's not just the place, but the way of life in a particular place ("The city that never sleeps" versus "the suburb that never wakes up").
The guy might love you, but he's made his priority clear: He's left his heart in San Francisco, and the rest of him is staying to keep it company. Chances are, he got so focused on winning you back, he forgot to ask himself "And then what?" Now that he's won you, he's all "Actually, I'm kind of attached to fog, earthquakes, and stepping over a wino to get into my favorite patisserie." It's a lucky thing he figured that out before he gave up his apartment and moved to Collegetown. (Love in a place you hate quickly becomes seething resentment.) If you don't resent him too much, maybe you and he will try to keep it going long distance while you're in school. If so, you need to be practical, too: Ask yourself how you feel about spending the rest of your days in San Francisco, because you probably won't get the guy out of there for any length of time -- not until you can fit him into an urn.
Of course, the implication in her letter is not that he was "in love" with her, he just wanted to prove that she was his.Once he did that, he had no further interest in her. Moving away implies that she has some self independent of him. Had it not been this, it would have been something else (even in San Francisco). Luckily you found it out in time.
Sabba Hillel at August 4, 2010 6:58 AM
"That's not how love is supposed to work."
When I met my wife, she was living in her daughter's basement. Her daughter had just become separated and couldn't afford the house on her own. My wife moved in and paid half the mortgage and got the grandkids off to school since the daughter starts work at 5:00am. My wife was in the process of building an apartment in the basement.
Since my wife had made that committment, my choice was to plan to live in the basement for the rest of my life or not live with the woman I love. Easy choice.
The kicker is that, now that the grandkids are teenagers, there isn't enough room, so the daughter is selling the house. We have just moved into an apartment. My mole eyes are slowly adjusting to the sunlight again.
Steamer at August 4, 2010 9:31 AM
Wow, Steamer, what a heartening story! Shows that you were really willing to sacrifice for love... you knew what you had is special and you wife is lucky. If only everyone could have that kind of love.
Sabba, I also get the sense that the letter writer's significant other just isn't that into her and is using geography as an excuse. He wanted to try to get her back one more time to prove that he could.
a reader at August 4, 2010 12:14 PM
Well, San-Fran is a nice city, and maybe even nicer than Montreal, the other North American fave. You can get really good rice-a-roni in San-Fran.
LW, if young, should instead find a well-to-do East Coast guy for the next three years. Older, urbane. LW will need money, and won't be making much. Imagine pleasant week-end getaways, and South American beach towns during those long academic holidays. A guy with a career or business will be a healthy antidote to your sniveling university academic wimps and their pettifogging.
After three years of living better than all your peers, you can decide to move on with life into your oh-so-important career, or settle down with Mr. Well-To-Do, or maybe even both.
I can assure LW that anyone who write such a drippy letter to an advice columnist will never amount to a hill of beans (does Alkon write these weenie-missives to herself? They all sound like the same in-drag LW), so staying in with Mr. Well-To-Do is probably the best choice.
Brogdan Buttlesworth at August 4, 2010 3:39 PM
Go!
Enjoy grad school, live your life, find somebody who actually wants to BE with you, and when Mr. I-Love-Rice-A-Roni-More-Than-You tries to win you back, just ignore him.
I moved from a lovely climate with beautiful beaches to a shitty rain soaked pit of despair to be with the man I love.
He didn't have to convince me to come up here, and it wasn't that hard of a choice. Sunny
I'm still in the shitty rain soaked pit of despair, by the way, and we now have two lovely (rain soaked) children.
afurrica at August 4, 2010 5:51 PM
My favorite column title this year, Amy!
Feebie at August 4, 2010 7:59 PM
I agree that Mr. San Fran just wanted to win her back because she was dating someone else. I think she should forget about him, at least for now.
krisl at August 4, 2010 9:09 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2010/08/thin-line-betwe.html#comment-1739684">comment from FeebieMy favorite column title this year, Amy!
Thank you so much, Feebie!
Amy Alkon at August 4, 2010 11:52 PM
Good god, when the hell did modern women stop understanding that they get to demand mate-like behavior from people who ask to be their mates?
He applied for the job of "exclusive mate", lady! Fire him if he doesn't follow up on the assignments.
Gals, a few simple, common rules governing exclusive mate candidates that you get to demand (as long as you reciprocate, of course) without be labelled crazy, unreasonable, etc.:
1. No sex with others. Period. Ever. No oopsies or "I was in another time zone" exceptions.
2. You live with me, or I live with you...at the same address. We share things at that address.
3. No hitting. Ever. No exceptions. Not even for violations of rule 1.
4. No screaming.
5. No threats, ultimatums, etc. of any kind to alter a mate's behavior. (Note: Explanations of the consequences of your mate's entirely controllable actions are not threats.)
6. Do not treat ex-mates, strangers, mere aquaintances, or fairly ancillary people in your life better than me or as more central in your life than me. Kids, parents, siblings and really, really close friends are not included in the above rule.
Spartee at August 5, 2010 9:52 AM
To Dismayed: I see three ways this could go.
First, take a thoughtful look at your present situation. Is it working for you? Are you enjoying the phone calls and visits? Before your original breakup, were you living together, and how did that work out? Some relationships work best from a distance; if yours is one of them, it would be a shame to mess that up. (I say this from personal experience.)
If you really want him there with you, tell him you're breaking up with him and seeing someone else. Based on his past history, he'll come storming out to wherever it is you are to get you back.
If you decide he's a loon and a loser who you really need to get rid of (the majority opinion among Amy's readers, I strongly suspect), you should probably get a new address and phone number, and just don't contact him. If you're lucky, he'll think you died.
Rex Little at August 5, 2010 10:18 AM
The thing about LDR's (long distance relationships) is that you never really get to know the other person's foibles or deep-set personality, such as ........wait for it........ (this is true)......... sex drive. Yes, sex drive. When you see each other sporadically, you should know that the sex will be fabulous, of course, because always in the back of your mind, you're thinking "oh, we won't see each other for x number of weeks".... and as a result, sex is hot, steamy, and frequent.
Then he moves in, and you get to see the real deal. Who he really is. Be prepared, cuz it may not be what you were expecting.
LDR's are usually a mistake. It takes a hell of a person to show their true self under *normal* circumstances, never mind in an LDR. Some people actually prefer LDR's so that they can perpetuate the aura of never having to commit.
You can't force him to relocate. And this may just be one of those cases of "mismatch" that seems to be rampant behaviour, with him dithering "darling, i love you, but oh darling, i LOVE San Fran more". Honey, if he prefers San Fran to you, then, let him keep San Fran, and you should definitely set your sights on life without him.
Bluejean Baby at August 8, 2010 7:51 PM
I think this relationship has two deal-breakers that we know of from the letter: location and money issues. Since she mentions that it seems impractical to want to live in San Francisco when one is unemployed.
Lily at August 10, 2010 1:23 PM
San Francisco is an awesome town! I just got back from there! I'm with the guy...why leave a city you love for some East Coast cesspool? There are many single women in SF and he can find one easily.
mike at August 19, 2010 12:59 PM
Leave a comment