I met my dream girl in my poker group in grad school. I recently moved far away to start my own company, but I plan to move back in about six months, once it's up and running. I just learned on Facebook that she and her boyfriend broke up, so I sent her flowers. She posted a picture of them and thanked me publicly on Facebook, but hasn't answered my e-mail asking about her plans after grad school. I don't think she's too interested in me, so I need some good ideas. I'm on a shoestring budget, so what can I do from 1,000 miles away that would rub her the right way?

Your best bet? Invent time travel, go back to the day you sent her those flowers, and get drunk and pass out before you can click "submit order."

Sending flowers to a girl you've had no sexual or even romantic contact with is only appropriate if the girl is a racehorse who just won the Preakness. Once you've slept with a girl, sure, send her a bouquet or, if she was particularly awesome in bed, maybe even a fruit basket. Otherwise, it's pretty much like going to the florist and saying, "What color roses say 'I'm lacking in social intelligence'? Oh, yeah...and could you add a few sprigs of 'Boy, am I glad you stopped sleeping with that other guy'?"

As somebody who's starting a company on a shoestring budget, chances are, your regular daily form of transportation isn't a Gulfstream V with a "My other car is a primer gray Volvo" bumper sticker on the back. While you can keep in touch with the occasional witty e-mail, there's otherwise no way but the wrong way you'll rub this girl by trying to pursue her from 1,000 miles away. (What were you planning to do, invite her to a gallery opening with free wine in her town and text her hello from a gallery opening with free wine in yours?)

Of course, the single best reason to stop pursuing this girl is that she's shown no interest in you beyond whether you're the one holding the ace of spades. But, let's say you have a chance with her. If you spend six months obsessing over her (and worse yet, if she's the reason you move back), when you do see her, you're sure to radiate all the personality of a trapped animal. Quit clinging to your faraway "dream girl," go ask a real live local girl out, and rediscover the joy of old-fashioned instant messaging. No, no more sending questions off into space to sit unanswered on some girl's computer. Just whisper them straight from your pillow to the cute neighbor girl on the pillow across from yours, and get answers instantly to "Got plans after grad school?" -- or, better yet, "Got time to do that again before you leave for work?"

After a great date with a guy I met online, he suggested going out again. Later that evening, he texted that he looked forward to hanging out again. Four days later, he e-mailed, wanting to know my schedule. I e-mailed it to him and never heard back. A week later, I got an apologetic e-mail, saying he'd had the stomach flu all week. Pardon my insensitivity, but how hard would it've been to e-mail that he can't hang because he's puking his brains out? Part of me wants to give him another chance, part of me wants to say "See ya."

It takes a special kind of person to stare into a toilet bowl of their own vomit and wonder what's in their inbox. Come on. It's not like the leaves changed while you were waiting to hear from him. Besides, he isn't your boyfriend, just some guy you had a single date with. And, by the way, he actually showed a pretty remarkable level of communication and consideration -- verbally, and by e-mail and text -- before he found himself watching instant replays of his lunch.

Part of you wants to give him another chance? Which part, the part that hopes to not be so prosecutorial as to find no guy appropriately perfect to be your boyfriend? Sure, we all have about five modes of near-instant communication, but having the ability to respond instantly doesn't translate into a mandate that we do. Okay, maybe you'd leap up out of a coma to check your e-mail, but he isn't a bad person if he doesn't do the same. What kind of person is he? Go on a few more dates with him and you might find out. (Time, not angry assumptions, will tell.) Consider yourself lucky if his big character flaw is an inability to multitask while projectile vomiting.

I've been dating a guy I really like for a month. He's been in a long-distance relationship with a woman since last spring. They spend a week together every couple of months, and were off and on for a few years prior. She's coming to visit for three weeks next month, and afterward, they plan to part for good, as she'll be working in another country. I want to be mature about this, but if he wants a relationship with me (he says he does), I don't understand this big romantic last hurrah with her. He says it's unfortunate timing, and he has to have this goodbye fling, as it's been planned for a long time. I'm feeling like the consolation prize and question his level of interest in me. Am I being an unreasonable princess?

It's crushing to learn that you aren't "the one," just "the one in Kentucky," a la "Stunned wife discovers husband of 15 years has second wife and family in another state!" Of course, your guy not only told you there was another woman but seems to have stopped just short of giving you a dossier of all her flight times and confirmation numbers. So, what's next on your agenda, flying into a rage that the cat you adopted refuses to bound to your gate and bark at intruders or railing that a wino uses the $10 you flipped him to buy Boone's Farm instead of tickets to the art museum?

This guy may like you plenty and may make some very relationshippy sounds, but he's had tickets to Sexapalooza 2010 for quite some time, and he isn't about to rip them up. You're gambling he'll decide you're so fab that he will, and he's gambling you'll decide he's so fab that you'll pledge to wait for him and wave a little temporary goodbye: "Good luck! Have fun! Try not to catch anything!"

You could give him an ultimatum -- either he gets his man-paw out of the long-distance cookie jar or you're history. If you take this tack, be prepared to walk -- and to turn your head and notice, to your disappointment, that nobody's running after you. Should you decide to just suck it up and do something else (or someone else) while he's on his three-week sexcation, be prepared to find yourself feeling less than loving and charitable toward him upon his return. Waiting around also sets up a really bad power dynamic -- making it clear that you're okay with being the B-Team: You're on the bench, some other woman's in the bed, and you're hoping against hope that she'll sprain something.

You want to be mature about this? Great! Admit what you've known all along: this guy's a catch with a catch, and you're suffering because you've been acting like he's available when he's only available-ish. In light of that, the wisest approach is probably breaking up now, letting time pass, and seeing how you both feel in the future. If you feel like trying again, find out why they called it quits: whether they aren't compatible on a day-to-day basis, or whether it's just that Southwest doesn't fly wherever it is she went to, I dunno, collect yak scat. Sure, you want to be the chosen one, but not because he suddenly finds himself in the mood for a lower carbon footprint and more leg room.

My boyfriend adopted a beady-eyed pit bull mix three months ago and shows it more affection than he shows me. He talks to it like it understands everything he says, then praises it for not answering. When I said the dog's clueless silence does not mean agreement, he got mad and consoled "Heather" as if I'd hurt her feelings. He even wants it in our bed.

If there's a challenge to your relationship, you expect it to at least come from a member of your own species -- one whose lingerie labels read "Victoria's Secret," not "PETCO." Take your boyfriend out for drinks, tell him what's great about your relationship, and see what he has to say when you explain that you're feeling a little hurt that you now seem to come second to a creature that scoots its butt on the rug. It's possible he has commitment issues and is trying to push you away, or wants to break up but is trying to force you to do the deed. It's also possible that you've discovered who your boyfriend really is -- a guy who has deep conversations with his dog. If so, you may decide that there's a conflict in sensibilities that just can't be bridged. In that case, I think you know what he'll say: "Heather says to tell you, 'Don't let the doggie door hit you on the way out.'"

There's never a good time to break up with your girlfriend, but there is a really bad time, and that's what I chose. I did it over the phone as she was boarding a plane to attend her best friend's wedding. I thought it would be good for her to be with friends after hearing the news, but it ruined her weekend. She pretty much thinks I'm a terrible self-centered idiot, and she's right. Here's the good part: I want her back. I'm really not sure why I did it in the first place. I guess I thought she'd be better off without me, and enjoy city life while she's young and single. (She's 26, I'm 31.) Now I can't sleep, eat, or think without her, but she won't even talk to me. We used to love sitting in a chair together and reading your column on weekends. I'd give anything to be back in that chair with her, reading this and your answer.

Accidents do happen. If you aren't careful, you might walk into a plate glass window or methodically go on the Internet to gauge the exact time your girlfriend's plane is leaving, dial her cell, wait for her to answer, and -- whoops! -- announce that you're dumping her...just in time for the flight attendant to announce "Please turn off all electronic devices, and sit back and enjoy your flight."

There actually is a good time to break up with somebody, and it's when you're sure the relationship's over. Accordingly, there's a good time to figure out why you're breaking up, and that's before you do the deed. And, why did you break up with your girlfriend? Here's the good part: You're still not sure! Luckily, you don't let that stop you from spinning this as some benevolent act on your part. Yeah, sure, you only dumped her to make her happy. You just want her to enjoy herself while she still has her youth. (After all, at 26, she only has six decades before she needs a hip replacement.)

Want to do a good deed? Buy a homeless guy new shoes and a turkey sandwich. Want to do right by your girlfriend? Figure out why you dumped her. Commitment issues? Pre-emptive abandonment (ditching her before she ditches you)? Only if you let her know exactly what she's dealing with can she assess whether it makes sense to give you another shot, in a way she can't with "it was just one of those random acts of blithering idiocy."

If you've had a pretty good record with her up till now (you've never left her at the mall or anything), you might be able to worm your way back in. You need to express deep remorse for what you did and beg her to take you back (be specific about why she's so great and why you're great together). Of course, getting her to even talk to you will take an act of romantic restitution. (Think John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler, standing under his girlfriend's bedroom window, boom box over his head, blasting Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes.") Women are suckers for a having a great romantic story to tell, especially one where the guy shows that he gets what an idiot he was to ever take the woman for granted -- and not just because he called a friend: "Broke up with her this morning." Friend: "Dude. She was hot. What'd you do that for?" Guy: "Damn, you're right. I'll call back and tell her I was just messing around."

I really like this guy I've started dating. We've only kissed once. He's not a great kisser. Can you teach somebody to kiss better? My girlfriends say a bad kisser is a dealbreaker.

With friends like yours, Snow White would still be in a coma. The prince would maybe put too much saliva into the kiss, and she'd wake up for a moment -- just long enough to exclaim, "Eeeuw! You kiss bad!" -- then pull the silk pillow over her head and go back to bed for the rest of her life.

Come on, the guy kissed you once. Even criminals get a second chance. You can't change a man's character, but you can whisper in his ear, "softer" or "a little slower." Don't make it about what he's doing wrong but about what you really like. Kiss him the way you want to be kissed. If need be, tell him what turns you on, like how you love gentle biting on your bottom lip (as grateful as you are to have discovered what it's like to close your eyes and be licked upside the mouth by a romantically minded Great Dane).

I started seeing this amazing guy, but had to initiate most of the making out. He soon dumped me, saying he has little experience and was freaking out. (He's 40, and has only had three girlfriends.) We got back together, but he still wasn't initiating, and six months in, still hadn't had sex with me. After a perfect date, I told him I wanted to make love to him. He said he wasn't up for that kind of attachment, hightailed it out of my place, and ended it again. We're friends now, but I've fallen totally in love with him. I can tell he's attracted to me, but my friends think he's gay or sexually dysfunctional. I told him I wouldn't care about the latter. He's too great to walk away from. He gets my weird artwork and disturbing humor, and we work great together on art projects. I'm considering making my upcoming 40th birthday my deadline and telling him what I REALLY want. If he cannot commit or initiate sex, I'm leaving! Right?

There are some subtle signs that somebody's attracted to you: dilated pupils, flushed face, heavier breathing, taking off out the back door like somebody fired the gun at the beginning of a track meet...

It is possible that you mumbled when propositioning the guy, and your "I want to make love to you!" sounded exactly like "Did I mention that terrorists planted a bomb under my couch, and it's timed to go off at any moment?" But, chances are, the truth is exactly as it seems: While you're dying to get him into bed, he'd rather get into a cannon with a lit fuse.

Yes, maybe he's gay, maybe his man parts are on the fritz, or maybe he's less interested in sex than in being slowly eaten alive by fire ants. The why of this is unimportant; what matters is that you want something that he can't provide. Great, he likes the same weird artwork, but don't be looking to him for anything racier than an afternoon of fully clothed collage-making ("Want the glue stick?" being a euphemism for "Want the glue stick?").

Come on, you know that continuing to demand sex and commitment from this guy is dumb -- dumb like sitting yourself down in a vegan restaurant and refusing to leave until they bring you barbequed ribs with a side of hog cracklins. You've latched onto the common excuse for this sort of self-destructive behavior: "Help, I've fallen in love, and I can't get up!" There's a good chance you are in love -- with the chase. You avoid admitting that this is a lost cause by clinging to "This would be so perfect, if only..." Yes, if only he were somebody totally different -- a man who can't wait to have sex with you instead of a man who probably redresses you with his eyes: Show cleavage, and he'll mentally put you in a poncho.

For your birthday, give yourself the gift of living while fully conscious. Identify men who are broken, pat them on the head, and send them on their way. The weirder your sensibilities, the harder it'll be to find a boyfriend who shares them. Maybe you can't, but maybe you can make a bunch of friends who do. Relationships always require compromise, but there's trying to make it work with a guy who likes sex in the morning when you like it in evening -- and there's trying to make it work with one who likes it on February 30th.

I'm putting up my online dating profile, and wonder if I'm being deceitful by posting a picture of myself without glasses. (I photograph better without them, but basically wear them everywhere but in bed.)

Internet daters posting photos to their profiles are intent on putting their best foot forward -- and all too often, it's a foot attached to another person's body. So, on the online dating ethics spectrum, posting a photo sans your glasses is like taking an extra mint at the bank versus holding the teller up at gunpoint. After all, you can take glasses off, unlike somebody's unpictured 80 extra pounds, as in, "I basically wear these 80 pounds everywhere but in bed!" To be more honest, post a secondary picture of your bespectacled self, and be sure to include a full body shot to show guys that you aren't built like a manatee (aka the "sea cow"). Keep in mind that online daters probably assume their prospects are lying about essential details until proven otherwise. It should come as something of a relief to your dates when they find out your big secret, and it's that you have an astigmatism, not an Adam's apple.