Happiness is a warm puppy.

This guy doesn't really sound that over-the-top in terms of dog owners. My dog sleeps in my bed sometimes and I talk to her even though I do actually know that she doesn't understand and won't answer back. The consoling thing, if it's true, does seem a bit too far, but I've seen much worse. I'm thinking this is more a case of a non-dog person finding out her boyfriend is a dog person (the constant references to "it" would annoy me--Heather is obviously a "her").

I'm also wondering if BF is displacing his affection onto Heather because LW isn't receptive anymore. Maybe she's just mad about this one thing, or maybe she's just a bit cold in general and BF wanted something that would be affectionate back. Yes, I do think people can go overboard with their pets, which can be problematic, but this is just a thought from the other side.

A) LW doesn't like pets. Good enough reason to call this relationship off. Common, or at least accepting pet preferences are important in relationships. The new puppy may be 'beady-eyed', but you can only say that in a cute way, or else you're being a dick to an animal.

B) LW is a bit controlling. Would she feel the same way about boyfriend if instead of getting a dog he took up a new hobby like golf?

I second let the pet door hit you in the ass.

Here is why guys like dogs:

They love us unconditionally and don't nag, complain, and criticize. They also don't latch onto unreasonably jealous notions and make something out of nothing. Can you compete with such a companion? It doesn't sound like it.

This is unlikely to get better. Eventually it's going to be 'the dog or me'. If he chooses her, he'll never forget she made him give up his dog. In the meantime, if the dog gets hurt or sick and she can't give him the sympathy he'll need, they will both be frustrated and angry.

It doesn't sound like she had anything to do with him getting the dog (and LW doesn't say it's a puppy, by the way), so maybe she resents not being included in the decision. They have discovered a major difference in their characters, and they're lucky to see it now.

I love dogs. I'm not at a point where I can have one (new baby on way, lots of travel for hubby's work) but I want one someday. If my husband doesn't want one, though, that's the breaks, I won't get one and will settle for petting my neighbors' dogs.

The dog's already there, though. This is the problem. You can't just abandon an animal. I encourage this woman to start making friends with the dog, to walk her, help train her, etc. It's a bit like a stepchild.

I'm thinking this is more a case of a non-dog person finding out her boyfriend is a dog person (the constant references to "it" would annoy me--Heather is obviously a "her").

NumberSix, that would annoy the hell out of me too. I'm a cat person and although I do impose a certain amount of discipline, they have the run of the house and they choose whether they sleep on or in the bed or not - although I will kick them off if they decide to curl up on the small of my back during sex (don't laugh, it's happened! Several times, they're very cuddly). It just means I'm limited to cat people which so far hasn't been a problem. Anyone who told me they had to go would be out the door in seconds.

But as Pricklypear points out, that's different to the dog turning up in the middle of the relationship. He should have checked with her first.

How long were they together? Since she mentions "our" bed I'm guessing a while... I do agree that a new baby, human or not, does rank a discussion between both parties.

Don't underestimate the intelligence of animals. Dogs have the mind of a 3 year old, so while they may not understand EVERYTHING we may say to them, they do have an understanding of some of our vocabulary. I'm betting this pooch knows full well who the top dog is around there!

I will never forget my first experience dating a "dog person." I took the lady out sailing, then to the best dinner in the city. When we got back from dinner, she had to run home. She'd been away for ten hours and "the dog might be lonely."

Ok - sure. The dog might be lonely. Either it's me, very likely, or best case scenario: I'm less important than the dog.

Needless to say, that was the last date.

It sounds like the guy is imature and maybe now is not the time to be in aserious relationship with this guy until he matures

Happiness is a warm puppy.

And I love the way puppies smell. If the LW's boyfriend was dating me, HE would be the one writing to complain that ever since he got a dog, his girlfriend pays more attention to the dog than she does to him.

I think that the first thing is to establish whether he actually believes that the dog is talking to him.

There's room for compromise. My husband loves our dog (which he got before we met, as a rescue). She's sweet and I'm fond of her too, but not nearly as much. We had to kick her out of the bed when she peed in it. I was firm about that one. And he keeps her dog bed on his side so he can throw a towel over her when the sound of her licking herself wakes me up.

On the flip side, he put up with my cat, who pees on his chair.

I think that the first thing is to establish whether he actually believes that the dog is talking to him.

You're a wise man, Nick.

If you, LW, can find a way to like - maybe even love - the dog, that will be something that BONDS you and your man. If not, it will break you. My boyfriend came into my life when I had two very old, failing dogs. Having not known and enjoyed them when they were in their fun, vigorous, playful prime, he could only experience them as unpleasant. It was really difficult. My duty and priority was to make their old age as comfortable and loving as possible. BF had to deal with it and them. And it did create some tension.

Since their deaths I've adopted two new rescue dogs. BF pretty much immediately fell in love with both of them. Now the love of these dogs is yet another thing we share and enjoy as a couple. It's really sweet.

My boyfriend came into my life when I had two very old, failing dogs. Having not known and enjoyed them when they were in their fun, vigorous, playful prime, he could only experience them as unpleasant. It was really difficult. My duty and priority was to make their old age as comfortable and loving as possible. BF had to deal with it and them. And it did create some tension.

Interesting. That made me think of my husband's relationship with my parents. He came into my life when they were both already old and failing, and it has created some tension. Sorry for the threadjack, but that gave me a new perspective on something, so thanks, trina.

I had a similar situation when I met my fiance. I had an ailing golden retriever. He was so great about it. He's a dog person, too, so he understood my pain even though he never knew Max in his prime. He stayed with me the night before I had to put him down even though he needed to be at work at 6:00 the next morning.

It's obvious the letter writer isn't a dog person and her BF is. I talk to my dog. Sure, I know he doesn't understand, but I think it's pretty normal for dog people. Yes, when someone says something the may "offend" him, I'll jokingly cover his ears and "console" him. I don't see any problem if that's what the BF is doing...aside from the fact that the letter writer isn't a dog person. She needs t either get used to it or move on. Once a dog lover, always a dog lover.

Currently, I'm working on my finace to get a golden puppy at some point in the future. I just LOVE goldens. He says they are too big, he doesn't like light colored dogs (he's always had dark ones...I have no idea why that matters) and they are too furry. I let him know that I WILL be getting a golden, but I'll wait until we have a bigger house and we can afford to get him/her groomed regularly...and he's just going to have to get over his doggie racism. See? Compromise...it's a beautiful thing
.

I actually believe dogs are indeed a higher life form than humans. Our three chihuahuas sleep in our bed every night, as it should be.

Part of the problem with reading what someone writes in is that it can be hard to tell if the boyfriend is just a dog person or if he's a little around the bend.

Either way, even if he's just a dog person, if she can't deal with it, it's a problem.

I have 2 cats and talk to them, but I know they only understand occasional words, like "food". Any guy who wants to date me will need to be able to accept that they are part of my life.

"I will never forget my first experience dating a "dog person." I took the lady out sailing, then to the best dinner in the city. When we got back from dinner, she had to run home. She'd been away for ten hours and "the dog might be lonely."

You actually stopped dating a lady because she went home to see about her dog after 10 hrs? That was not unreasonable. Dogs need to be walked and they do get lonely. Sounds like you wanted her to kiss your feet for taking her sailing and out to dinner. You probably missed out on a very nice person. Anyone that conscientious about their pet will make a good partner.

We have two dogs. My fiance has a golden retriever and I have a pomeranian. It's an odd mix, but we both had them before we met, so we've blended families and make it work. That's what you do if you love someone.

It's strange that LW wasn't a part of this decision though.

I actually believe dogs are indeed a higher life form than humans.

They have us figured out for sure. I go to work, pay all the bills, and give my sweet little old pug lady anything her dear heart desires.

And of course I talk to her! She knows a few words, like "treat" or "good girl" or "I love you." She probably knows more than that, but those are the only words she cares about. She has her priorities straight.

I don't usually leave my dog alone for more than ten hours, at least not without arranging for someone to stop by and let her outside. They have to go potty after that long!

Is there a clue in the "beady eyed pit bull" description?

I'm not really a dog person - I don't care enough about them to look after one. You can have all you like (unless it is like the neighbor's dumb dog that continuously barks at everthing.) Pit Bulls are either dogs from hell or get bad press; either way that is probably coloring LW's views.

He even wants it in our bed.

Everyone else has covered the other issues just fine. The only thing I have to say is that the boyfriend needs to remember that it's the girlfriend's bed too, and if she doesn't want the dog there, it shouldn't be there.

I second the pit bull comment. I have a pit bull/bull mastiff mix, but she took on more of the pit bull stature and look. People either love them or hate them, I have discovered. Most would either say they don't like them rather than say they are intimidated by them, which is more often the truth. But, I'm a firm believer that the pet thing is something two people have to agree on to be able to live together.

It's also something for you singles to consider. I'm glad my guy had a golden retriever not a pit bull or some other very aggressive/intimidating type dog. That would've made it hard for me to bring my little pomeranian over, which likely would've doomed us. Nobody wants to get rid of their pet once they're attached, so if you're a single guy or gal, you should take that into consideration when choosing a breed.

Trina's comment hit it right on the nail—there will be times that someone or something the partner loves will be unpleasant. In my case, it's Transformers and a Mini Dachshund that pees if you look at it too hard.

But the Transformers remind me of my penchant for Duran Duran, and my own dog adores the pee pee factory. So there you go.

I think the boyfriend is trying to communicate with the LW through the dog and what he is trying to tell her (the girl friend)is that she is an annoying nagging jealous bitch who probably never shuts the Fu*k Up. Praising the dog for not answering was my first clue. The dog is probably just one issue of many that he never hears the end of. Isabel

Cats rule. Dogs drool.

"I think the boyfriend is trying to communicate with the LW through the dog and what he is trying to tell her (the girl friend)is that she is an annoying nagging jealous bitch who probably never shuts the Fu*k Up."

Um, you okay over there?

Really, I interpret this situation as: he's a dog person, she's not.

Ltw (and lovelysoul and NicoleK and others), I definitely think that BF should have consulted the LW about getting the dog. Although, are we sure he didn't? The letter doesn't say that explicitly. I can see it a few different ways on that count.

On dogs in the bed: most definitely a bilateral decision. If one partner really doesn't want the dog in the bed, I think the dog shouldn't be in the bed. No one should be pressured into sharing her bed with someone or something she doesn't want there.

And I second lovelysoul on the woman who needed to check on her dog after ten hours. She perhaps should have foregone the "he might be lonely" explanation for the "I don't want him to pee in his crate/on the rug/in my bed" one, but no responsible pet owner would be away that long and not let the dog out to get his ears rubbed a bit and do his evening toilette.

Also to lovelysoul: I love your comment about blending families. That's a pet lover's answer right there.

Cats rule. Dogs drool.

I love this comment.

On dogs in the bed: most definitely a bilateral decision. If one partner really doesn't want the dog in the bed, I think the dog shouldn't be in the bed.

I tend to agree NumberSix, the difference for me is the cats were there first - it would have to be a pretty special girl to convince me to lock them out. It's not so much putting the cats first, just that if someone wanted them out it would be a sign that we might not be very compatible anyway. In 16 years of long term relationships it's never been a problem.

And yes, you can't leave a dog overnight. You can with cats if you have nice friends nearby who will feed them in the morning. I just hate doing it :)

Oh, and to all those who pointed out that talking to your pets is not unusual - I live on my own and chat to them all the time. Doesn't seem odd to me.

"I think the boyfriend is trying to communicate with the LW through the dog and what he is trying to tell her (the girl friend)is that she is an annoying nagging jealous bitch who probably never shuts the Fu*k Up."

"Um, you okay over there?

Really, I interpret this situation as: he's a dog person, she's not."

A better choice of words would have probably been the boyfriend is communicating with the LW through what he says to the dog and I believe from the clues in the letter that the LW has a very intolerant personality and is extremely jealous of ANY attention that the BF pays to the dog. I would love to hear the boyfriend's side of the story because I would be willing to bet money that the LW is "my way or the highway" in every single aspect of the relationship and furthermore she never shuts up about it.Of course Amy would have to either acquire or reveal a bit more info in order for me to be sure. I have known a few woman with Borderline Personality disorder in my life and they could be quite reasonable and charming and would tell you many stories about how horrible their SO's had been to them and how irrational some other person's behavior was and it all sounded quite plausible until you saw them throw a tantrum or heard the SO's side of the story and then you began to realize that you were listening to a person who could become unglued over the tiniest thing and was capable of blowing it all out of proportion to make themselves look like the wronged party. I just have a nagging suspicion that the LW is one of those people.

and women wonder why men say they over-analyse everything

good frigging grief

her boyfriend loves his dog. if i was this guy and read LW's letter i'd take the dog on an extended 'walk' and not come back. this guy is saddled with a girlfriend who can't cope with his loving anything other than her - god help him

Twelve years ago, (4 yrs into a relationship) I contemplated buying a dachshund for my kids. My boyfriend, who did not live with me, was dead set against it. He actually said, "It's me or the dog." I told him I'd miss him.

Long story short, I got the dog; he's the love of my life. Dumped the boyfriend a couple years later, but not because of the dog...he loved him too. My kids are adults out on their own. My son just had a baby and we refer to the dog as "Uncle". I can't imagine my life without him.

I've said that if I could find a man that I feel as strongly about as I do my dog, it would be awesome. Every day, I am so happy to see him when I get home, and he, me. He sleeps under the covers in my bed and I look forward to sleeping with him every night. Hmmm...wonder why I'm single.

@Justsayin'

and therein lies the crux of the issue. if women of the LW's ilk felt the same way about their boyfriends as you do about your dog - accepting him for what he is and being glad of it - they wouldn't be writing Amy for advice

seems to me that a lot of women are just never happy with what they have - they seem to go looking for things to be miserable about. men are too to some extent; we just don't usually kick women to the curb over such stupid and trivial things

"seems to me that a lot of women are just never happy with what they have - they seem to go looking for things to be miserable about. men are too to some extent; we just don't usually kick women to the curb over such stupid and trivial things"

Amen,Jim, Amen. since post world war II this country has become for the most part a nation of whiners and crybabies who have been told that it is their right to never put up with anything that makes them the least little bit annoyed or uncomfortable. They are so spoiled they have never learned to recognize what real hardship is. Men for the most part tend to be more stoic than the women in this country, too many of whom were daddy and mommy's little princess and never outgrew it. I hardly ever meet a woman who has this kind of attitude if they have been in the military. Probably because if you have ever had to work out in the freezing rain in Germany for two weeks, or in Baghdad where it is 120 you start to realize that if nobody died or had to be taken to the hospital, you have had a pretty good day. :-) Isabel

I agree with what several others said. I love dogs, and, when I visit my parents, their Australian Shepherd sleeps in my bed with me. But I would NEVER EVER insist that a dog share the bed with me and my boyfriend. Kills the sex life.

I think some guys do communicate thru the pets.
My husband is English-they are not know to be the warm cuddly type. I am very warm and I married him knowing he isn't the most affectionate guy b/c of all his other great qualities. I sometimes get mad b/c he often shows our cat more affection that he shows me.
I have realized he never had a cat before and thought he was a "dog guy" until he hooked up w/ me. I had 2 ancient cats who passed away last year so we adopted one together(actually she just showed up on our patio and did not want to leave so we took her in) He dotes on our cat so much and she is crazy about him! She'll jump right off my lap if he comes home.
I realized he is not always comfortable showing affection b/c he was not raised to be affectionate. He's affectionate back if I initiate and he is more comfortable initiating affection w/ the cat.
I know he loves me a lot, but it's easier for him to pet the cat than me. To him it isn't natural to be demonstrative w/ humans! There is no touching in his family. His mom told me she now likes how I am always hugging everyone and thinks it's nice-I think at first it made her uncomfortable!
Those poor Brits! They repress so much!

I've got menagerie at my house right now: my mom's chihuaua-pomeranian mix, my pomeranian, and my yellow lab. Oh, and there's the Manx cat.

Half of these pets are my mother's (currently disabled and living with me until a space at a nursing home opens up). It's a bit much--more than I would have planned for, but the little critters argue some of the time and the fireworks are keeping the house lively and keeping my mom from dying of boredom. (She was athletic before she became disabled, so all the activity in the was actually a blessing for us.)

Soon after my mom came here, about a year and a half ago, I briefly dated a guy who seemed to want to compete for my attention--compete with my mom and the animals. Now, I know that all together, he was up against a small army of mammals, but it was very weird to see this happening, not to mention very uncomfortable for me.

It's clear LW doesn't like the dog. If she loves her boyfriend, maybe she could try?

I wonder if the LW and her boyfriend talked about a dog and she sort-of agreed with the plan, or at least not make it clear she was against, because she had no clue how having a pet changes your life?

Hmm, that sounds like me and my cat. My fianceé doesn't seem too bothered by it. So he loves dogs, that hardly sounds like a dealbreaker to me (we have real grown-up problems to deal with where I come from) but if you really can't live with that then you can't live with that. Apparently showing more affection for the dog doesn't mean he loves the dog more than you, it's just natural to express caring for different types of entities in our lives in different ways.

And I must say the majority of people I know who have dogs let them sleep in their bed, it's never even occurred to me to imagine that this might be something odd.

Actually to be honest I'm really missing the issue here, why is LW writing in again?

Actually on re-read, this is what I hear: "My boyfriend sometimes does things I don't like, and I can't seem to be able to exert complete control over him and his space. What should I do? For some reason belittling him isn't helping, even though he undoubtedly subconsciously picks up when my control issues express as contempt."

Actually it's kind of amusing in a slightly ironic way that he projects his own subconcious defensive response onto and through the dog itself.

"the difference for me is the cats were there first - it would have to be a pretty special girl to convince me to lock them out."

Yeah, I had a girlfriend who tried to insist I lock the cat out on day one --- and demanding too, she basically said "the cat goes". That didn't last long, and the cat's still around.

I'm really not a dog person but had a girlfriend who had three dogs (including a huge rottweiler, practically bigger than her, she was very petit) that she loved and also had conversations with. It never even occurred to me to consider that this was somehow a problem, and actually the dogs were mostly really sweet once you got to know them. I loved her, and she loved the dogs, so it was simply completely natural for me to accept them and care for them too --- thanks, LW, for making me see the error of my ways, I now see how it had actually been a problem, though I'm not sure why.

@Lobster: your posts are funny:)

"Don't underestimate the intelligence of animals. Dogs have the mind of a 3 year old"

I've known some smart dogs and some dumb-as-bricks dogs. I think, like humans, pet intelligence probably firstly follows its own bell curve (so some dogs are probably just born dumb and always will be), and secondly also depends a lot on nurture, i.e. was the intelligence potential, if there, cultivated during the formative years. My ex-girlfriends dogs were the smartest I've ever seen, they clearly understood a lot of what she said to them and had their own ways of communicating back to her, there was definitely bidirectional communication between her and the dogs, and somewhere approaching the level of very very basic grammar within sentences. She could ask them certain simple questions, too, and they'd give meaningful 'answers'. It's difficult to explain unless you've seen it.

oh! i forgot to mention that the aforementioned BF was NOT a dog person when i met him. not in the slightest. he really only merely - and barely - tolerated my old dogs. later, when i got the new (young, fun, active, playful) dogs - which is a much better experience for a new-to-dogs person than two dying dogs is -- they totally won him over. once he fell in love w/the new dogs he stopped being so OCD about every little dog hair that got on his clothes, he grew to accept their taking up 7/8 of the bed... there is hope in the LW's situation... unless the dog issue is just a symptom of other, bigger issues, which is what it sounds like.

i have had a boyfriend who was so insecure as to be really jealous of my dogs. that level of insecurity can't really be helped by anything but therapy.

@ JonQPublic Sept 21/10 @ 11:40 p.m. - i laughed out loud at your response, which reminded me of "why beer is better than women".

The LW, clearly, is afraid of the dog. It comes blaring through in her beady-eyed description, as well, the dog is of a breed that is not known for its good temperment.

You either are or are not an animal lover. I am an animal lover and have had cats for the last 2 decades in my house, but after i had children, i could no longer tollerate having a cat roaming the house at all hours, waking me at 4:30 in the morning, after i'd been up 3x in the night breastfeeding my baby. I asked my vet if it was appropriate to crate my cat, and i was told it is appropriate, and many people do it.

That was life-changing info, as i was at my wits end with being up for the night feedings, sleep deprived, then a cat thumping on the side of my bed at the ungodly hour of predawn. While the cat didn't enjoy being crated, it saved us all.

These days, i have 2 cats who actually run to the crate when i tell them it is bedtime. Animals most certainly DO understand English, at least several phrases and separate words. I once had a dog who understood the spelling of certain words (when we figured out that he knew the word, we started spelling it, and he caught on to that too), so please don't say that animals don't understand English. Granted, some are more literate than others.

I feel sorry for the LW, because in a way, she is now the 3rd wheel. If the b/f is so passive-aggressive that he cannot come right out and tell the LW what's on his mind, ie: he has to treat his dog better than he treats his g/f, then god help him. On that note, she should perhaps leave him for his passive-aggressive behaviour.

The supposed "love of my life" -- my previous husband -- was NOT a dog person. I've been a "dog person" (specifically AKC German Shepherd Dogs) all my life, for many years breeding, training, and selling them into working applications, e.g. law enforcement, search & rescue, and disabled veteran assistance. Not having a GSD in my life for a dozen years was constant heartbreak; I'd burst into tears even seeing one on the street! When ex-hubby finally permitted me to acquire a GSD, it was the beginning of the end of that marriage.

I have now been remarried for almost ten years to a wonderful military man who IS a "dog person," and for nine of those ten years we have had the pleasure and honor to be the people of Bandit, a brain-damaged GSD adopted from a "breed rescue" organization. Despite his handicap (or perhaps because of it?), Bandit is a certified therapy dog who brings great comfort and joy to wounded warriors as well as to the two of us. This mutual commitment has significantly glued my husband and I together rather than tearing us apart.

LW, do NOT expect that your dog-person BF will change, for you or any other transitory Human. Even a cat-person or horse-person has more in common with a dog-person than ANY companion-animal-person will EVER have with a Significant Other who refers to a beloved companion animal as "it."

All that being said, Staffordshire Terriers ("pit bulls") are problematic. Forget renting; almost no landlord will accept a pit bull or pit bull mix. So unless the two of you are sufficiently committed to each other enough to buy property together, this relationship is a non-starter.

My husband is in love with 'my' cat and she adores him. I'm in second place with both of them. He talks baby talk to her and lets her get away with anything (walking on table, drinking out of the sink).

I find his unabashed love of her very sweet and, no, he never talks to me like he talks to her. But I know that he is a kind, loving man who feels deeply even if I don't get the Emma Treatment!

He,This is a great and usefull blog.Keep up the good work.