Good Answer. Nothing but the truth.

Thank you. We try!

LW: please re-read the second line of your letter, with emphasis on the word "relationship." HE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP! This isn't some ex-fling stopping by on her way out of town; this is his GIRLFRIEND. Are they in an open relationship? Does she know about you? If not, he is CHEATING on her, with you, and apparently you're okay with this. (And yes, different zip codes still counts as cheating.)

Clearly this guy wants to have his cake and eat it too, which is only human nature. Nothing better than having a girlfriend in the wings ready to step up to the plate when his true love moves out of town. LW, please consider that 1) if he's cheating on her, he'll probably do the same to you--maybe, yknow, when you're out of town for the weekend or go on a really long shopping trip--and 2) if you do manage to snag this guy, what's going to happen a couple years or months down the road when his first pick moves back stateside?

Really, the time to nip this one in the bud was back a month ago, when he first used the phrase "my long distance relationship." You missed the boat on that one, but its not too late to break things off now before you get even more emotionally invested. Let him know you have some standards, and at least give him the opportunity to pick you over her, instead of letting him eat cake ad nauseam.

This guy does sound like he practices the Stephen Stills approach to relationships, but didn't LW know that from the beginning? And by beginning, I mean last month. And he's been not at all secretive about his plans thus far. This is one of those things that you either live with or you don't. Making him change will not be an option here.

On the ultimatum tangent, I just have to say that I always like Amy's advice on them. Using ultimatums as tools of manipulation drives me up the wall, but I think that Amy's tactic of tying them to your dealbreakers is sound. It's more about deciding what you can live with and then backing that up. It doesn't mean anything if you aren't prepared to really walk if you find out that whatever it is won't change. That's where many people fall apart on the subject, I think. They assume that the partner will cave, and when he doesn't, they go back and put up with the behavior that they were going to walk out on before. It's not a good way of getting your boyfriend to realize he wants to chase after you, it should be about you being true to what you've decided about your relationship.

The letter writer should leave this guy simply for his clear demonstration of poor judgement.

She has been dating him for only a month and is simply "on the roster". She isn't his girlfriend and, probably, neither is the long distance roster member.

Why on earth would he have felt the need to confide in the letter writer about his plans with this other woman? It's none of her business -- they've only been dating for a month for God's sake.

This is an example of very poor roster management.

Methinks the LW sounds a bit "hooked." It's that tricky availability issue--the half-available man/woman always seems like a better catch, but are they really?

And how do these dynamics happen? Usually the one partner lies about or minimizes his/her commitments elsewhere. I don't know if that's the case here--if the guy lied initially--but the few times I've seen this happen, there were usually a few lies told at the beginning. Like the guy/gal is "separated" when he/she is still married. That sort of thing.

I remember a few years ago reading that book "The Rules," the one that told women to grow their hair long, and to start acting girly and semi-available if they wanted to snag a man. (I didn't buy it, honestly--it was foisted on me during an all-girls trip to Boston.)

It was a pretty bad read overall, and apparently pissed off a lot people, especially men, but the point they made about being only half-available holds true for any gender. Maybe LW should pick up a copy at a used book store somewhere. Seeing this dynamic described in print--and in a context that is all about snagging someone, anyone, please, please, please!--might allow her to see the hooked part of her part in this relationship. LW has more power than she thinks and, as Amy pointed out, that's the power to walk away bruised but at least free of a bound-to-end-badly relationship.

I would also say that this guy probably has a good understanding of "The Rules" even if he's never read the book. These guys (or gals) you need like a hole in the head. There's an imperative here and that's: Leave!

And how about treating yourself to a little travel--a nice little spa getaway with a friend--if that makes your exit a little less painful. Travelling isn't just for the bruisers of this world.

My advice: Get a manicure and get over him.

I don't understand this big romantic last hurrah with her. He says it's unfortunate timing, and he has to have this goodbye fling, as it's been planned for a long time.

Easy. Find a man who is happy with a three week affair (look, it can't be that hard, women can always pick up if they really want to, if necessary I'll fly over and fill the role - I'm pretty good looking, honest!), and tell him "you enjoy your goodbye fling, I'll be off on my own with a nice guy I met, when we get back we can compare photos and work on our own relationship".

At least you'll find out what his real feelings for you are. Either he'll be jealous or not. Question answered.

Does she know about you?

Shannon, I agree this a very pertinent question...

Am I being an unreasonable princess?

Umm, no you aren't. Weddings, concert tickets, family obligations - fine, those are things where the "we had planned this for a long time" is a reasonable excuse. Three weeks in bed as a goodbye doesn't really make the cut.

I agree that this is really none of her business at this point. They have no commitment, so they're both still free agents.

That said, if he was crazy about her, and thought things could get more serious, he'd cancel the other women's trip, even at the risk of seeming like a jerk.

I was kind of in this situation - had a guy I'd been dating long-distance for a few months plan a trip to FL to see me, then I met my fiance a few weeks prior. I didn't know where things were going with my fiance at first, so I didn't cancel the trip, but a few days before the other date was to arrive, it became apparent that we were falling in love.

Jeff said, "Go ahead with your plans. I understand", but it didn't seem right, so I called and canceled. Told him I'd met someone I felt I was getting very serious about. He was PISSED! His tickets were non-refundable, not to mention it was around Christmas, and he'd bought me presents, a few of which had already arrived by mail.

It sucks, but that is really the risk of dating. Until you're officially in a relationship, you're free and single...yet that could change rapidly if "the one" happens along.

LW is probably not his "one," though after only a month, it may be too early to tell, but his unwillingness to cancel these plans sends a strong message that she isn't. She should go off on her own, continue to date others, and if he's really serious, he'll pursue her and request an exclusive relationship. Until you have "the talk" where you're exclusive, you're not. Simple as that.

Spot on Amy.

Having your cake and eating it too.

If he was serious about you, he'd cancel the 3-week roll in the hay with his girlfriend. Trouble with that is, if he did that and you became his girlfriend, how would you know he wouldn't do the same thing to you? I wouldn't be able to trust someone like that.

But on the upside, at least he told you straight up so you can decide for yourself what you will and what you won't put up with. There's nothing worse than someone sneaking around and not letting you choose for yourself with his sins of omission. I just dumped someone for that myself.

My feeling here is that whatever you do, it will be torturing yourself for some guy you've only been dating for a month. I'd recommend cutting your losses and finding something (or someone) better to do with your time. For God's sake don't break up and then wait for him; that's just more investment and more torture.

I dunno. What's wrong with an active sex life? Is monogamy the only way?
People need rich and varied lives, and we only live once (I am an athiest).
Sometimes life is tedium, except for our sex lives.
Maybe the guy should have invented an elaborate set of lies (the usual course. After all, lying is morally justified in two cases: Defense of nation, and to get a girl into bed).
Instead, he just said what is true, and we get all the waa-waa. Oh, boo-hoo, your boyfriend likes sex.
The take-away? Keep lying guys. In our repressed society that has demonized normal male behavior, you are morally justfied to do so.
If you ever get weak, remember our heroes, Bill Clinton, Thomas Jefferson, King Solomon, Salman Rushdie, Tiger Woods, and so many more, who proved over and over again that dynamic men need varied lives, in all parts of their lives.

butthole, your view of "dynamic men" is my view of asshole narcissist anti-heros

I like the recent columns where the answers aren't so cut and dried.

Recently, you posted one from a guy who dumped his girlfriend for no real reason and now wants to get back in her good graces.

Probably a project doomed, but you gave him the best possible way.

Now, here we have a second-string girlfriend who resents her position. Again, this is no easy answer, and it may be ultimately fruitless, but at least you gave the best possible advice.

LW, ditch this b*st*rd and run like the wind!

"Goodbye fling?" This guy sounds SOOOOO mature! /MUCHO SARCASMO

I agree that being a free agent--not in an exclusive relationship--gets LW's love interest off the hook a bit. I mean, if they're aren't committed, then, well what claim does the LW have on him really?

It reminds me of a time years ago when I was dating a lovely man who I was in the process of really falling for when he dropped a bit of a bomb on me.

We had been seeing each other for a few weeks and had just consummated the relationship. And that's when an ex-girlfriend of his had breezed through town. They had spent the night together and, over Thai food a couple of nights later, he told me about it, hoping I "would be mature", "would understand it because we weren't exclusive," and, of course, "he wanted to be honest."

To be honest, I kinda wish he'd chosen to be discreet instead. If he wasn't ever planning on seeing this woman again (which is what he said), then why tell me about it? Telling me set up a weird dynamic in the relationship, firmly placing me a bit lower on his priority list than I'd hoped.

I sat there chatting with him pleasantly, blowing the news off in my outwardly "mature" way, when a subversive thought occurred to me. There was a back door in the restaurant, next to the women's. I'd used the loo right when we arrived, and I saw the door (with an emergency exit alarm sign on it), propped open, probably because it was a very warm summer night.

In between the main course and dessert--which, yes, I ordered--I excused myself, went out the back door, which backed on to a side street. About a block away was a major thoroughfare where I flagged a cab.

Mad money to the rescue again.

An immature response? Yeah...it was. But it was also strangely enjoyable and there's something to be said about experiencing a strong feeling of disgust and then relieving yourself of it by taking some kind of action. And I felt suddenly disgusted because in a split second--record time--I knew I didn't want to play games, second fiddle, let's-have-an-extraordinarily-difficult-relationship with this guy.

I really don't think it's possible to move up from no. 2 to no. 1, unless a sizable portion of the female (or male) population happens to be wiped out by an act of God. I may be wrong, but when this man told me about the other woman he was de facto forcing me to do something about it. Either accept it and accept I wasn't "the one," or move on and be free to someone else's "one". I would rather have not known.

And I'd be willing to bet $10,000 that had he been discrete and you found out about it later you would have accused him of cheating in that post.

I agree with Lujlp. The guy was being honest, which shows he cared about you and was worried you might find out some other way.

It's kind of weird how women think a few dates and a roll in the sack ("consumate" the relationship?!) makes things so serious that a guy practically belongs to them. That's not how guys date. They see multiple people until one becomes so special that they narrow it down...which usually takes longer than a month and more than one lovemaking session.

That's how I dated too. I figured it was stupid to date someone exclusively unless I knew for certain I wanted to be exclusive with him and him with me. Why narrow my options? That could waste many months.

This is how guys view dating. A woman must assume a guy is not exclusive until he tells you he is. Once that happens, you can be pissed off about cheating, but until then, he's done nothing wrong.

Nope. I agreed that he was within his rights to see someone else, as was I. It was a question of what to do with the information once he shared it. There's something inherently mature and decent about discretion that's well done. I'll take it over a "I just wanna be honest" attack/whine combo any day.

Well, slipping out the back door and sticking him with a dessert you didn't even eat wasn't very mature and decent. I understand it made you feel better, but if a guy did that to you, just think what a jerk he'd seem like! You should've just been honest back - tell him you were disappointed. Things might've turned out differently.

My definition of "consumating" a relationship means you get into bed together and have sex. It doesn't mean you own the person and I never felt I owned this guy or else why would I have walked out? I prevented both of us from entering into a potentially frustrating relationship. I think that's good news, no?

I may have a cynical perspective of this, but my actions were based on the theory that No. 2 NEVER gets to be No. 1. I genuinely believe that being in the No. 2 spot is a no-hoper situation and so I won't pursue it when it's on offer. That's all.

Well I did say myself that it was immature. And sticking someone with dessert is WAY better than sticking someone with a bad case of the crabs, no?

Yes, but how can be sure you're #2 when he said he never wanted to see the supposed #1 again? It sounds to me that he was telling you that after sleeping with his ex, he realized he didn't want to do that anymore and still wanted to see you. In guy speak, he was giving you a compliment.

He should've just kept his mouth shut, but you were a little overreactive.

I only say this because I think women too often sabotage their romantic lives by dumping guys when they don't immediately conform to these feminine ideas of perfection and pass hidden "tests".

Although you acknowledge he was free to do so, the fact he slept with someone else so soon after sleeping with you was a gigantic fail.

Oh I dunno, I think some relationships deserve to be sabotaged. And I believe his "telling me" about his sleeping with someone else was his way of doing that. From where I was sitting, it didn't look like my "feminine idea of perfection," or a "hidden test" since he volunteered the information without any probing on my part.

However, over my stir-fry and upon my split-second reflection, it did look an awful lot like a red flag.

"If you ever get weak, remember our heroes, Bill Clinton, Thomas Jefferson, King Solomon, Salman Rushdie, Tiger Woods, and so many more, who proved over and over again that dynamic men need varied lives, in all parts of their lives. "

I would like add one more name. His name is Lou Pai. No, you never heard of him before. Let me explain.

He is Chinese immigrant, math whiz, and was one of Enron top executive. He sold his stocks and made the most money among Enron executives, about 300 million, right before Enron collapse. All other executives, who sold their stocks around that time got convicted of insider trading and sent to jail, Andy Fastow and Jeff Skilling.....

The government never bother to bring charges against Lou Pai for insider trading. Why? He argued that he was forced to sell his stocks as a part of his divorce settlement and had nothing to do with insider trading.

His wife filed for divorce at that time because Mr. Pai spent most of his free time at Houston strip joint to be with his favorite, Melanie Fewell. After the divorce, he married Melanie and had a child together. With all the money he made through Enron, he is living an American dream while Fastow and Skilling is rotting in the jail.

While I denounce Mr. Pai for his role in Enron, I respect him for marrying Melanie Fewell, stripper, after his divorce. I believe he did this in spite of incredible pressure from his family and culture not to do it.

It is all about "decency" and I believe he kept his promise he made to Melanie at the backseat of his Mercedes one hot evening.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_Pai

Yes, but how can be sure you're #2 when he said he never wanted to see the supposed #1 again? It sounds to me that he was telling you that after sleeping with his ex, he realized he didn't want to do that anymore and still wanted to see you. In guy speak, he was giving you a compliment."

It doesn't sound like that to me at all. If you're not exclusive, he doesn't owe you anything but silence. What that sounded like to me was "We're not exclusive. I slept with someone else, I probably won't sleep with her again, but we're still not exclusive." I might go out with guys in a non-exclusive capacity, but I don't want to hear about their outside sex lives, and I don't want to be told how I am to react, "be mature" and "understand." I think those phrases are the flags for me. I don't think anyone has any business telling me how I should feel or think about something - that just screams of controlling behavior.

If anyone was sabotaging, I think it was the guy. Most people know what kind of reaction "I had sex with someone else! Thought you oughta know!" is going to get - even most people tolerant of non-exclusive relationships are going to feel slapped in the face with unnecessary information. If he really felt like she was #1 - I honestly think he would've kept his trap shut, made their relationship exclusive, and dismissed the ex as a last fling.

Maybe ordering the dessert and leaving was a bit spiteful, but I don't think his sexual overshare was particularly kind either, so I'd say it balances out.

I agree with ie and mMaire. The guy was a saboteur. He may in fact have been trying to "share" and he may even have really dug her, but he put the turd squarely on her plate. It doesn't take months to figure out if you're into someone. A premature declaration of devotion may be a dealbreaker (ie he might have said at dinner "I really like you, so I blew off ex-sex b/c I didn't want to screw this up" - or better yet blew off the ex and kept quiet), but it's far less risky than bringing an elephant into the room.

I've always been strictly monogamous - couldn't focus on more than one at a time.

I'm with ie-this guy fucked up. I'm a big believer in what I don't know won't hurt me. I call this the toothbrush-in-the-toilet philosophy. If someone knocks my toothbrush in the toilet and never tells me, I can go along merrily brushing my teeth and I'll never know the difference or be adversely affected. But if I KNOW it's been in the toilet, I'm sure as hell getting a new toothbrush.
Once you know a piece of information, you can't just un-know it. And putting someone in the position of knowing something they don't need or want to hear is selfish and unfair.

I find "honesty is the best policy" to be a selfish and lazy way of thinking. It allows people to get away with deliberately or thoughtlessly saying things that are unnecessary and hurtful, while still feeling all smug and superior because they are taking the High Moral Ground. Examples of this include "hmm you're the sixth...no...seventh best lover I've ever I had!"and of course the classic "You look really fat in that." Unsolicited oversharing can backfire, and ie's guy learned that the hard way.

Chang,

Just when I thought real American heroes didn't exist anymore....

God Bless You. And God Bless These United States (and what the heck, God Bless Lou Pai as well.)

I find "honesty is the best policy" to be a selfish and lazy way of thinking"

I generally agree with you. Oversharing can be selfish, so it really depends how he said what he said.

If he was feeling her out with regards to their non-exclusivity - using this info to guage whether she was shocked or ok with it - then that would be self-serving. Obviously, this is how ie interpreted things.

However, if he was just fumbling, foolishly convinced that he must be honest about everything, then it was a foot-in-the-mouth mistake.

I simply agree with Luj, that if she somehow found out about it later, after he didn't tell her, she'd probably be pissed off too.

A friend of mine just lost the love of his life because he didn't tell her he took another woman for a motorcycle ride. It meant nothing. He was with friends, and this woman (who, of course, is hot) had no other seat, so he took her from one place to another at the request of his friends.

But when his gf found out he hadn't TOLD her....well, all hell broke lose. So, we women play it both ways: you told us this/you didn't tell us this. I can see why a guy would genuinely not know which way to go sometimes.

And is it really about the telling or the doing? We often make it about the telling when we know our insecurities aren't rational. The act itself is really what bothers us, but we've got him on tell/don't tell, either way.

I told my story about this over-sharing guy for a reason. It's because when I read Amy's comment about the LW's fella practically giving her an itinerary of his last fling's flight schedule, I winced.

And, I wanted to shout out, "Hey, can't you hear what the real message is here, LW?" He's giving you so many details because maybe he's one of these bootstrapping commandoes who believes "honesty is the best policy," especially when it puts someone else firmly in their (second) place?

Processing information like "I slept with someone else" or "I'm going to sleep with someone else" is difficult and can take a bit of time. And an admonition to "be mature about it" just takes it up to the mean-spiritedness stratosphere.

A month is enough time to know that your guy is a jerk, LW. Just like a few seconds was enough for me.

Just as a side note, when I ordered dessert, I was still in auto-pilot, okay-how-do-I-get-through-this mode. In other words, I hadn't yet decided what to do. I was still acting as if everything was okay and trying to "be mature." That's when my inner-kid took over and said "F--k it," and I walked out. Sometimes my inner-kid knows better than I do.

I like you, ie.

Unles theyve been together every nite a month usually means 3 to five dates at one to 4 hours on average. Maening shes probably spent somewhere between 3 to 20 hours with him.

By this level on time inestment most of the womenI know wont have even had sex yet.

Now if she were willing to spend the next three weeks doingnothing but fuck him I'm sure the guy would call off his plans.

But hes been planining a marathon sex session ith someone who is obviously very talented between the sheets for far longer then hes know this woman.

So lets look at this another way ladies - suppose you were single and you had guy on the side who made you cum so hard you were incapable of remebering your own name and 5 weeks before your last romp before he left the country you went on a couple of dates with a guy who demanded you cancel you plans and never see that guy again?

Something tells me you'd find such a guy controlling and find such a demand borderline abusive.

Why dont ou find such behavior from a woman equally reprehensible?

From where I'm siting this woman (while admiting to Amy that they've only been dating a month) seems to be factoring in some of the time she was just freinds with him as part of her 'relationship'

no matter what a guy says or does he's wrong

my SO has a T-shirt which reads 'if a man speaks in a forest where no woman can hear him, is he still wrong?'

the answer is, naturally: of course! he's a man

so the answer, if you're of the male persuasion, is to just live your life as if you don't need a woman's approval for anything because, and here's the deep part, you don't

I like you too ie, and in response to mMaire-BINGO!

@lujlp, theOtherJim: My posts were behaviour-specific, not gender-specific.

Thanks Shannon, Lesley and Ida!

That's not how guys date. They see multiple people until one becomes so special that they narrow it down...which usually takes longer than a month and more than one lovemaking session.

That may be true in general lovelysoul. But if I'm dating someone, unless it's explicitly stated that it's *not* exclusive, I assume it is. And if I'm sleeping with someone that goes several orders of magnitude higher. I wouldn't necessarily mind, depending on the situation - but I would expect to know. And unless given permission in the form of "this isn't serious", I wouldn't be seeing anyone else.

I couldn't imagine seeing multiple people seriously. Which might explain why I'm single I suppose...

I don't think it's really possible to date multiple people "seriously," Ltw, although it is possible to date multiple people. I also don't think the audition process described by lovelysoul is the norm, although I'll admit that in my 20s, there was more "auditioning" going on around me and in my own life.

The restaurant situation I described came at a time in my life when my expectations were changing. I was less interested in the kind of "challenge" this guy posed (Hey IE, see how desirable I am?) and more interested in how much Tylenol it was going to take to have him in my life on an ongoing basis. I think that that's just a natural outcome of getting older. I was learning how to cut my losses sooner rather than later.

I think most of us are hardwired to be in love with one person at a time, although there are people who can be sexually active with a lot of people at one time. I've met a few of these sexual dynamos--male and female--but stay away from the males because I just find their behaviour confusing. I dunno, I just like to keep things simple.

"I couldn't imagine seeing multiple people seriously. Which might explain why I'm single I suppose."

Things have changed a lot with internet dating. Everybody has so many more options now, so you can't presume exclusivity until you both "hide your profile" and change your Facebook status to "in a relationship".

Back a few years ago, when I found myself single, I decided to look at it as an auditioning process because that's truly what it is, and, as such, it makes a lot more sense to date multiple people. Not seriously, but casually. I'd sometimes have 3 dates a week, and I didn't feel guilty. A few reached the physical stage, and I still didn't feel guilty. I was looking for Mr. Right, and it seemed silly to me to spend an inordinate amount of time with one man only to find out months later that he was Mr. Wrong. So, I kept my options open.

This had some very positive side effects. It made me more desirable, I think, because the guys I was seeing knew I wasn't waiting by the phone just for their call. Plus, staying busy kept me from focusing too much emotional energy on any one relationship and reading more seriousness into it than was actually there. I wasn't as needy for any one guy's approval or acceptance as I probably would've been dating only one at a time.

It also taught me how to handle rejection better, more gracefully, since I was often in the same position of having to say, "You're great, but you're not the one for me..." Therefore, I couldn't get too upset when I got the same speech back, or if I found out I wasn't #1. My attitude was that it was better I found out now, so I could move on.

This may or may not be most men's dating style, but I modeled it on some women's article that said it was: "Date like a Man" or something. lol

I do think we women have a tendency to throw all our eggs in one basket much too quickly. From what I've seen, guys are usually much slower to do that.

I think it's a difference of dating styles, lovelysoul. I have a woman friend who followed the same style of "dating like a man." And it worked for her and worked really well.

But for some of us, that's not the case. I know that many people look at dating as a numbers game--and I agree that the more you people you date the more "luck" you may have in finding "the one." But using the internet didn't work for me and I really did try--the friend I mentioned above coached me, but somehow, meeting people for the sole purpose of seeing if we matched romantically seemed too clinical and weird.

Internet dating just fell flat for me and in all fairness, I don't think I over-impressed the men I met either. I'm not against it, though. I'm renting my mother's house out to a really great young couple who met through a dating site. I like them a lot and they strike me as having a very solid relationship.

I'm one of these women who has had serial relationships with men I've already been friends with. It's just a different approach. Right now I'm spending time with a man I've known for years. His longtime girfriend (also my friend) died about 18 months ago and now we hang out socially--no sex--but I'm pretty sure we're headed there. I like the excitement of the physicality of that kind of falling in love--looking at someone I'm interested in and having him look back at me with the same interest. I love the sexual charge and anticipation those looks and that proximity creates. It's a huge turn-on and for me it just didn't happen in cyberspace.

My friend has taken the "audition" approach to dating and if I had to say were in a race, we've both come to the finish line at the same time, we just took different routes.

Yeah, I agree, ie. There are different approaches and no one thing works for everybody. In the end, despite all my "auditioning", I fell for a guy I didn't meet online, which I'm rather happy about. Some men get spoiled by all the choices and endless potential dates available online, although I met some really nice guys that way. One, who I've remained friends with, just had his first baby with a woman he met online, so it does work if you weed through the bad apples.

Btw, your current scenario actually sounds kind of sexy - the whole lonely widower fantasy. Good luck with that. :)

I've done the audition route, and I found it to be lots of fun. You meet a lot of guys, date very casually to see if you have a connection on a lot of levels. There is a lot to be said for the window shopping approach, as you get a better sense of what is available, and you also get to know yourself better. You can also relish your freedom, and your single-ness.

He's been in a long-distance relationship with a woman since last spring. They spend a week together every couple of months, and were off and on for a few years prior.

So it's ON now, right? He is in a relationship with her at this time. While also sleeping with you.

She's coming to visit for three weeks next month, and afterward, they plan to part for good

Does SHE know this? Or is 'they plan' really 'he plans'? Does she know that this relationship is about to be ended, and that he's already working on replacing her before it's even ended?

Because to me it sounds like he's just cheating, with the time old 'we're separating (but she doesn't know it yet)' excuse. Unless you've talked to her and she is both aware of and okay with this situation, I would just dump him out of principle.

If you have any self-respect or dignity still left, get out before you lose what's left of it. The main reason you like this guy is precisely because he's not really available, and he'll most likely cheat on you whenever he can.

Take a long hard look in the mirror and ask yourself 'why am I putting up with this', 'can I do better', and 'am I willing to settle for this'.

Look at it another way. You've already declared yourself an absolute doormat to him, and he is thus dating you *on the basis* that you're a doormat, i.e. he likes doormat types. You can choose to remain a doormat for the rest of your life to appease him, and he will like you (but never respect you, and probably always cheat on you). If you choose to stop being a doormat, he'll hate it, since he wants a doormat. I predict he will break up with you as soon you start standing up for yourself and respecting yourself and expecting to be treated with at least minimal respect (and I am guessing he will also try blame it on you, as if you're the one being unreasonable). You will initially think it's horrible that he will no longer want you but in fact it is a good thing, since you don't want someone who needs you to be a doormat, it is counterproductive to yourself, you want someone who encourages you to respect yourself and who prefers that. That person isn't him. I've lost multiple "friends" and girlfriends over the years whenever I've chosen to start standing up for myself, and it's a blessing to have lost those people from my life because they are the worst kind of poison.

"So lets look at this another way ladies - suppose you were single and you had guy on the side who made you cum so hard you were incapable of remebering your own name and 5 weeks before your last romp before he left the country you went on a couple of dates with a guy who demanded you cancel you plans and never see that guy again?"

First off-this guy's not single. He's in a long-distance relationship with a woman that he's cheating on.

But in answer to your question, no, I would not expect that someone I was dating should wait around for three weeks while I had a crazy sex rampage with my ex. His request for me to cancel would be very reasonable, and even though I would of course like to have my cake and eat it too, I would have to decide between indulging in one last fling or investing what could be a successful relationship.

I mean, if you were dating a woman who you really liked, and she informed you that she'd be taking a three-week hiatus to have mind-blowing sex with her ex, and by the way would you mind sticking around to be the consolation prize when he leaves the country, would you be okay with that? My guess is no.

And:

"no matter what a guy says or does he's wrong"

I assuming you're referring to the damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't question of whether the guy should have told his current fling that the long-distance girl would be in town. But keep in mind that she's going to be sticking around for three weeks, and probably living with him while she's there. There's no way to keep that a secret-he has no choice but to tell her. Yes, this guy went wrong-because he started a new relationship before ending the first! I really don't have sympathy for anyone, male or female, who get's into an awkward situation because they cheated. Although in this case LW was complicit to the cheating so you could say she's brought this upon herself.

@ BOTU: Atheism is no excuse for cheating.

Signed, an atheist monogamist

Your probably right SHannon, but then again a sinlge month of dates(unless it was every single night) is propbably only three or four dates.

But if she were hot enough and talented enough in bed I'd be willing to wait around for more sex, dont know if theired be a relationship in it on top of that.

I'd find a fling in the meantime to occupy my attention.

I suppose what it really boils down to is why he told the LW.

If it was a power play to set up a dominat roll she shold dump him - If he was just being honest about why he wouldnt be returning her calls for a few days she should reflet on what kind of guy he is and whether she wants a relationship with him.

Chang-

That is a great story about Mr. Pai. Another hero.

I forgot to mention all-time great Hugh Hefner. What a wonderful life he has had.

Funny is when you hear some gals sniveling about the Hef. He found true happiness, and will die with a smile on his face.

When we all stop demonizing normal and healthy male behavior, we all will be better off. Women will stop making unreasonable demands on men, and stop their whining and sniveling, and develop lives of their own.

Men will happier pursuing what makes us happy, not what is supposed to make us happy, as defined by shrews and psuedo-pious phonies.

Men who have good strong sex drives into their 50s and beyond should be lionized. They are role models, of great benefit to women and our society.

No. 2 NEVER gets to be No. 1. I genuinely believe that being in the No. 2 spot is a no-hoper situation and so I won't pursue it when it's on offer.

This. SO this. ie, I love how you handled that situation. I don't care that you left him with a dessert you didn't eat. I agree with another commenter that I would bristle at someone dropping this bomb on me and then "hoping I would be mature about it." How about I very maturely kick you in the teeth, asshole? He screws around with someone else, but it's on YOU to put up with this shit? What a douchebag. I'm glad your current situation is working out for you. It sounds great.

No one has mentioned ultimatums. Once delivered, an ultimatum has disasterous effects. If it doesn't drive the other person away, it sure gives them a sense of being subordinate forevermore. Ultimatums are relationship-killers.

For someone to diss another and expect them to stick around ....why?..... for more?? is just sad. The general rule about this is that once a person has treated you like this, you should expect more of the same, or worse. If they truly love you and place you above all others, they wouldn't even be thinking those thoughts, let alone voicing them.

This b/f is relatively brand new. Ditch him, move on to greener pastures and feel better about yourself, LW. Don't accept anything less, even though he voices his contempt for "unreasonable princesses like you"... that is his way of soothing himself because he's such a loser.

Of course he wants a relationship with you because you are so nice, willing to listen, willing to think things over, and probably submissive. Don't let him walk all over you, LW. Listen to your gut, which is telling you to set the bastard free. It is your gut that has you writing to Amy. Of course, he's free to have his fling, but don't let him back into your life unless you want more of this same treatment. One month is not a lot of time, LW, so do yourself a favour and find someone who is more your match. Yeah, it's hard to let go of someone you *thought* was your match, but we've all been wrong from time to time on that count.

Correction: erase my first sentence... what i meant to say was *everyone* has mentioned ultimatums, but no one has centered on the end-result. *whew*

I agree with Bluejean Baby about ultimatums. By the time you reach the point where you feel you must deliver an ultimatum, such as "Stop cheating on me or I will break up with you," it is time to skip the ultimatum and go straight to the breaking up part. As in, "Because you have been cheating on me, I am breaking up with you." There is no negotiation here - you are INFORMING them.