I once avoided a great guy (for a week, not permanently) because, wonder of wonders, I developed one honking great cold sore right after we went out, and I sure as hell didn't want him to see me with it. I wasn't ready to test out his limits when it came to being grossed-out, so I ducked out for a few days instead.

Even if this guy is lying, (and I suspect the LW thinks he is), you have no idea what the reason is and maybe that's a good thing. (Try to think of some of things that might cause you to want to hide out for a few days.)

I think you should give this guy a break.

I get where LW is coming from because you don't want to be that chump obliviously assuming the guy/girl is into you when all evidence points to the contrary. There's a fine line between giving someone the benefit of the doubt and rationalizing their obvious indifference to you. I struggle with this a lot because I've erred on both sides of it: making excuses for someone who in retrospect was just a jerk, and writing off someone who actually did have a really good reason for blowing off our plans and not contacting me for a couple days (death in the family).

However, in this case I'm with Amy in giving the guy the benefit of the doubt. Everything up until this point indicates that he's interested in you. And as ie points out, even if he WAS lying that's not necessarily a bad thing-in fact, I would probably interpret that as a positive sign that he cares a lot about your opinion of him. If these disappearances prove to be a pattern then go ahead and part ways, but if not then you'll be thankful that you didn't blow things with a great guy for no reason.

I have to agree with Amy. If this guy wasn't interested why would he contact you after a week instead of just permantly deleating you? Plus look at all the times he has contacted you. Stop obsessing over nothing cause it is a horrible personality trait that can be a relationship killer. BTW are you alway this critical of people? If this is a common problem that you have think about finding a therapist to help you deal with it.

Hmmm, apology for "I was sick" a week later...sort of borderline. A quick text wouldn't have been that hard, I would do it if only because I hate being kept hanging myself. But it's not worth giving him the flick over, after all he had the decency to apologise so he obviously doesn't feel like it was nothing.

He didn't have the stomach flu. However, that's okay. There are many possibilities for his not contacting you for one lousy week. Maybe, he just wasn't in the mood. That happens. People get busy for a week at a time and just don't have the motivation to pursue new relationships.

Maybe, since you met him online, he had another online date lined up and concentrated on her for the week. It seems that he decided that you were the better bet and called you back.

Heck, maybe he did have the flu. Who cares?

There is something deeply wrong with the letter writer that she feels like she has some sort of ownership over someone after one date. My guess is that he has sensed this neediness, initially shied away, and, after one week, became horny enough to stoke the fire just enough to keep alive the possibility of putting this woman on the roster.

Let me say this very clearly: one date, or one month, or five months of dating does not make you a girlfriend. It makes you a woman that he is dating. Unless introduced to friends and family in some other way, you will remain a woman that he is dating -- among other women, by the way.

After one date, you're complaining that he hasn't called you in a week? That's pitiful.

Hmmm, apology for "I was sick" a week later...sort of borderline. A quick text wouldn't have been that hard, I would do it if only because I hate being kept hanging myself.

Yeah but she had one date after meeting him online. If she's "hanging" that's because she's too desperate and maybe could use a few more friends so she can do something else with her time besides obsess over one freaking date.

Just because you would do it doesn't mean everyone should be like you. Maybe he's thinking, "Why didn't she call me when I was sick? Maybe she doesn't care! She should have known something was wrong when I didn't text her!" Nah!

This is the problem with "texting"; people expect it now and everyone acts like they're in high school. Homer Simpson was right, "The problem is communication - too much communication."

I can understand that you might thing hhmmmm - I thought he was going to get in touch during that week. He did get in touch, let go of the hhmmm.

I'd be more concerned about the 'hang out'. That is so lame. Didn't he suggest a hike/trip to the museum/a movie?

WTF is wrong with hanging out now? Are you trying to be so impossible to please or does it come naturally? If you want a totally cliché trip to a museum so you can pretend you're interesting and esoteric, how about you suggest it? Radical notion, I know, but really, he can't read your mind (there's probably not much to read anyway, but I'll humour you for now).

God forbid the almighty woman is ever so slightly displeased! Off to the firing squad, unworthy little man!

WTF is wrong with hanging out now? Are you trying to be so impossible to please or does it come naturally?

It's traditional for the person doing the asking to suggest something. "Let's hang out sometime" sounds a little like: "Let's meet up for dinner sometime, somewhere. I don't know where, but it'll totally happen. Promise." Since the person who asks should also pay, it also allows him to suggest something in his price range.

It also prevents conversations along the lines of, "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

I think the guy doesn't know what he wants, and he's not in a big hurry to 'commit' to someone he doesn't know. I think the LW wants an instant commitment from him, so that she can assess him at a leisurely pace and then dump his sorry ass.

I've seen this dynamic many times with women who are insecure, many of whom are friends. I've asked them what's the hurry, and suggested they date a few guys at the same time so that they can shop around, but they thought that would make them a slut, so they nixed that idea.

I don't think this is an issue of women going on only one date and then feeling like they "own" the guy. I think it's more a case of being fearful of being a "chump," as lovelysoul said, and of not wanting to tolerate a lack of respect early on.

That whole "He's just not into you" franchise is predicated on the idea of teaching women when to cut their losses--and it's a popular franchise for a reason, right?--so you can't really blame women for asking for a bit of guidance about when and how to do it.

Saying that, I know male friends of mine who get twisted up about this sort of thing too. It's especially true when they're really attracted to a woman.

I think these situations are usually about how some men and women have low tolerances for uncertainty. For some, especially those who have been burned a few times in the weird world of dating, this means that they want that uncertainty to be something else--a clear indication of "something", even if that "something" is negative.

In the end I really don't think it's (all) about possessive behaviour and I certainly don't think it's limited to women. The thing is, I'm not sure that men talk about these kind of anxieties amongst themselves in the same way women do. It's that whole competitive thing. However, I am guessing that they do share these thoughts with women friends they trust, which is why women like me know about it.

i said it before about the LW whose boyfriend loves his dog and now here:

women over-analyse

my advice to LW is before jumping on someone for a perceived offense, count to ten and take a few deep calming breathes - then keep your mouth shut anyway. when in doubt, assume the best. if there are 2 ways to take a situation; believe the positive one

most people are decent folks, just like you

Had inked in plans actually been made, I might think that LW's complaint is valid. A quick text to cancel a date due to illness would have been in order.

But that wasn't the case - no plans had been made at all. They were in the *process* of setting up another date. "Let me know your schedule so we can hang out" is hardly cause to breathlessly text, or email that you are sick, and can't make the date you haven't planned.

Such behavior, in fact, might even be seen to be borderline desperate. "Please don't think less of me because I'm not in constant contact with you."

Ick.

Thanks MonicaP - that's what I was getting at. You put it better and more clearly.

I liked the toilet references, but that rest of this is so far down the snivel-drivel road, I don't know if it is worth a reaction. I mean, I am a guy with so little to do, if I see a small piece of doo-doo in the road, sometimes I will go over and sniff it.
But this LW is even less interesting than that.

"WTF is wrong with hanging out now? Are you trying to be so impossible to please or does it come naturally?"

Nothing's wrong with hanging out...if you're 14 years old and can't drive and aren't really allowed to date anyway so you ride the bus to each other's houses after school and play video games and make out until mom gets home. Also perfectly fine if you're in an established relationship and just want to spent time together without the fanfare. But for two adults who want to get to know each other better? Go on a date-somewhere public, that revolves around some sort of activity so that you're not just staring at each other. It doesn't have to be expensive or elaborate-I've been on great dates that just involved going to a park or a museum, but at least have a time and place in mind.

"God forbid the almighty woman is ever so slightly displeased! Off to the firing squad, unworthy little man!"

Really? You're kinda coming off as a bitch. This isn't a case of a prima donna writing off a guy because he wore a weird sweater or took her out for Greek when she prefers Italian. I know if I hadn't heard from someone in a week I'd be hurt initially, then get over it and move on(especially if we'd only been on one date), then by the time I did hear from them I'd have to ask myself if it's worth reinvesting time and interest. I don't think this is unreasonable, or unique to women-I think it's human nature to want to know where you stand with someone, and be wary of situations where it feels like someone just isn't that into you.

Gone are the days when people had patience and could wait for just a while for that reply without going off on the person, wanting to know if they've been dumped even before they've been properly asked out. I know it's difficult to retrain this generation of texters and even last generation of emailers and all of us who are into IM-ing, but sometimes we just have to sit tight and repeat the mantra "patience is a virtue". Or maybe get a life?

I agree with Shannon, we all want to know where we stand, however, that is not something you ask of someone after only 1 date. It's a great way to scare off a guy, and is something to consider with those you actually do wish to scare away. And truly, you shouldn't have to ask that of a person who is your match, ie: you are soulmates, madly in love, etc. If you have to ask where you stand after you've been involved with the person for aeons, then you're in trouble. Don't ask unless you're willing to accept the worst-case-scenario answer.

She only had 1 date with the guy. He's showing good faith by calling and offering a plausible reason as to why he vanished for a week. It's not like it was 3 months. Whatever her gut tells her is what she should go with. Such trivia. Wow, i wish my life was so simple.

He's showing good faith by calling and offering a plausible reason as to why he vanished for a week.

That's what I took from this letter, too. My thought when reading it was, "Wow, he got back in touch with her? Nice guy."

I'm with Amy in giving the guy the benefit of the doubt here. I mean, they were smack in the middle of setting up another date when he went AWOL, and he did contact her again. To me, that does say that something came up that has since passed (be it stomach flu or horrible visiting relatives or what have you).

On the instant communication front, there was a Miss Manners column recently dealing with it. A woman wanted to know how to politely tell her family and friends that just because she possesses the technology to talk at any time in any place doesn't mean she will interrupt her work to do so. I am fortunate not to have people in my life that demand my attention at their convenience.

Wow—I don't remember reading a column that had so many possibly right answers in all the commentary. I guess I'm with Amy and #6 on giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, but at the same time it irks me when someone says/shows excitement or interest about something and then drops off the face of the earth.

Yes, it's a first date. That's exactly the problem—so often first dates go nowhere and you're left holding the bag of: "did I do something wrong, and if so, what was it?"

So she got a call/text/whatever it was, and the excuse was kinda lame. I've had the stomach flu, and it wasn't so incapacitating that I couldn't either Facebook about it, call friends about it, or run to the grocery store to get some Gatorade and Maalox. If he wanted to call her, he could have.

But then I get cold sores too (take Valtrex and ice them for the first 30-60 min, and they will go away stat, le) and I feel gross and depressed and yucky and unsociable.

So who the hell knows on this one—I guess she should treat the perp as she might like to be treated in this case (which is likely to get another chance), and if he's all full of text and vinegar afterwards again but then gets malaria, then she has her answer.

This column reminds me of a friend I have at work. She's younger than me and often shares her dating escapades with me. The thing is, she must be really frustrating to date. She's always over the moon when she's met someone new--enthusiastic about how good-looking he is, what he does for a living (she always goes for top-drawer earners, which she can get because she's drop-dead gorgeous), and on and on. She gushes like a well. I mean, Christ, I end up blushing during our conversations!

Then, a couple of weeks later, I'll ask her about the guy and I'll get, "Who?", or "What guy? Oh THAT guy." Or I'll get something along the lines of "Oh, he has issues," or a "crazy ex-" or "three kids under six, can you believe it?"

Then there's the other explanations like "he went too fast," or "he went too slow," or "I dunno, I just lost interest." And, of course, she's already on to the next great guy by the time I ask about the last one, so she's never bored.

I try to see this from a guy's point of view and what I see is this: a gorgeous woman who comes on like a tornado and then disappears without much explanation. In the olden days we used to call this behaviour "fickle."

But she's young and so I don't criticize or judge too harshly. But I'd hate to be a guy trying to date her, that's for sure. And, I know for a fact that her male counterparts are out there doing this sort of dating cha-cha with unsuspecting partners as well.

And it's exactly these kind of potential partners those of us with our heads on straight like to avoid if we can. And that is what the LW is trying to figure out ahead of time. The problem is that she is ahead of time and she can't know if he's one of these guys until she takes things another step or two.

It's just considerate to call, text or at minimal e-mail. Leaving someone hanging makes me think he may be hiding something from you.

LW- give him the heave-ho.

If you get this paranoid and unreasonable after a single date and a week of silence, do the poor guy a favor and go find someone as insecure as yourself.

He's got a private life. There are lots of reasons why he might not speak to you for a week. One of the reasons could be the flu, or it could have been a family or professional issue. But flu or not- at a single date and after a week of silence you don't really have the right to demand a report of his actions from him.

He wasn't available, he apologized for not being around. He sounds like a very nice guy- let me know when you run him off because I have a few friends who will like to meet him.

LW,

Give the guy a break and go find someone new to stalk.

I wonder if this is a generational thing. I mean I'm a junior in college, and I don't go anywhere without my Droid, from which I can instantaneously send and receive calls, texts, emails, facebook messages, instant messages, etc. The idea of not being able to get contact with someone for a week is inconceivable. The only way I'm not getting in touch with you is if I don't want to. Of course, this wasn't the case even five years ago, and if you came of dating age 10, 20, 30 years ago, this idea of instantaneous contact probably seems ridiculous.

There are two issues at play here. Like Shannon, I always have my iPhone with me, so I am able to receive calls, texts and emails wherever I am (that has service). However, just because I possess the technology to be instantly reachable doesn't mean I can or will answer. Like the woman in the Miss Manners column I mentioned above, I do have other things to do than talk to you. If I'm driving, in line somewhere, in class, studying, working or doing any one of a number of things I cannot or will not interrupt, I don't answer. That's what is wonderful about voicemail, email and texting--the message is recorded for a later time. I'm in my twenties and find the idea that I should be available ridiculous. Though I have been told I'm a bit old-fashioned in some respects.

However, LW's date not getting in touch for a week is a second, separate issue that has nothing to do with correctly using available technology. He either was puking his guts up and subsequently recuperating (which, if true, I take to mean he was not feeling up to hammering out the details of a date with a woman that seems a tad high maintenance), or he was not ill and had other reasons not to contact her. But the important detail here, I think, is that he did get back in touch with her. Even if he was lying about the stomach flu, he contacted her for a reason. That reason could be that he thought he had someone better on the hook and it fell through, leading him to get back to his second choice, but I say to the LW to give herself more time to see if he really is a flake. The scenario I've been imagining is that he really was sick, but only for a day or two, and he forgot he was in the midst of setting up a date. Curveballs of life have caused me to be a bit flaky in my correspondence, too.

I think Shannon has a point. I see younger people texting and talking all the time and I wonder what on earth they've got to say. We have a homecare worker, for example, who is on his blackberry for almost the entirety of the time that my mother is asleep, which is a lot of the time. I don't mind because I'd rather he not get bored, but I just can't imagine that he's got that much that's interesting to say.

I've also been chastised by others--usually others a lot younger than me--for not being available by cell (and by extension, text or voice mail). I gave up my cell because I didn't use it very often!

So, I can see why the LW might be a bit pissed. If the guy in question is like most young people I know, then he probably is in touch with others on a fairly regular--as in multiple times a day--basis.

Why is it that some people come here to post about others' neuroses in such a nasty way? I mean, if she's writing in to Amy it's because she recognizes, at some level, that she may be wrong (or am I completely missing the point of this being an advice column?). Calling her a stalker? And paranoid and unreasonable? What, you people never experienced a moment of insecurity? Geez.

ie, I am completely with you, lovelysoul, and Shannon on this.

LW is just trying to figure out how to manage uncertainty, what rules to make for herself, and where to draw the line. It IS a little weird, in today's electronic age, that he didn't contact her all week. I would also wonder whether he was making up a story. She's trying to figure out when to cut her losses, and he's keeping her dangling.

I would assume he wasn't into me, because it has been my experience that a guy who is into you will call you constantly - at least on a daily basis, if you are encouraging.

Now he turns back up after a whole week and she's supposed to hit the reset button and start over? It might be better for her if she followed Chrissy's suggestion of dating several guys at once. She'd be too busy to care (or even keep track of) whether any particular guy called her or not. And that does seem to be the advice she needs to hear: Stop caring! Of course, if she didn't care, she wouldn't bother dating in the first place.

I've re-read the letter and new posts... Something we have missed is that the LW herself left the guy hanging for 4 full days after he texted her in the first place.

Nowhere does LW say that she answered him after the initial text, and a full 4 days later, he is emailing her asking for her schedule. She finally answers him, when? maybe another day later??... and so he then goes 7 days without reply. This sounds like a very normal course of events, yet, the LW seems to think that HIS 7 days of silence is abnormal, yet her own 4 days of silence is perfectly ok.

She sounds like a high maintenance diva to me.