I found my wife online. When we were dating, I found it strange that we seemed to fit together so well. But, that is what you get when you can immediately screen for criteria you like.

And, yeah, I was always kind of hesitant to admit how we met. When people asked, I told them I picked her up at the corner of Lake Street and 5th Avenue (because that scenario was far less embarassing than admitting that we met online).

Then, after mentioning that we met online, the responses I received were almost always along the lines of: "you know, I read that 40% of relationships these days begin online," or some such statistic.

With that feedback, it now seems far less embarassing, unnatural, or unsexy.
-Jut

Well, and how many people in the course of human history have found a mate through the services of a matchmaker, or their parents? That was the norm for a long time, and still is in some parts of the world. Wouldn't suit me, but I don't know of any evidence that, in the hands of people who know you and take your personality and happiness into account (rather than the money, land and/or political power they might gain thereby), it results in less happy marriages than the common modern American method.

Indeed, one of the happiest couples I know was matched by their parents, Iranian immigrants. I don't think they felt like they were required to marry, but their parents matched them, they really liked each other and found each other attractive at first meeting, and were married very quickly. They give every appearance of being happy and devoted.

I don't find eHarmony a lot different from the idea of a professional matchmaker.

I can't say anything one way or the other about on-line dating, but if it works for you, go for it, I guess. I met my wife through a lonely hearts ad. Like JutGory, I was (and am) a little hesitant to explain how we met. I tell people we met after I ran over her dog.

I've done the online dating thing, but I didn't really care for it. Too many people lied about one thing or another, and it got to be a pain in the ass (for me, anyway). My longest-lasting relationships weren't with people I met online. BF and I have been together almost 8 years now, but we knew each other way back in high school. It just kinda worked out for us that we re-met and got together. I can't imagine being with anyone else.

People want the romance of "spontaneous" love. There's no funny or dramatic story involved when you meet someone online and you're both looking for the same thing. For me, it's enough that I met someone honest, fun, intelligent and wonderful.

I'm coming up on 10 years of dating the guy I met online. I think online dating is awesome - you can immediately weed out people you know you won't be compatible with and go from there. It's a huge time-saver. Plus, at the time both of us weren't looking for "the one", just someone to go out and have fun with and go from there. It helps not to have unrealistic expectations.

Oh, and I have to disagree that you can't have a funny or dramatic story surrounding online dating. I have one. :D

I have to admit that "what will people think?" is my biggest hang-up about online dating. I tried it for a couple weeks and ended up meeting a great guy who I dated for a few months, but only my a few of my closest friends knew the real story about how we met. My parents would have flipped and most of my other friends would have likely been judgmental.

From my experience I think that online dating lends itself better to certain types of people. When I tried it, the age range I was looking for (early 20s) yielded a lot of men who had just graduated college and moved to a new area. It wasn't that they were weird or anti-social or unsuccessful at dating-they were just in a new area and didn't know many people. So early-mid 20s seems like a prime age to try. Living in a big city and dating exclusively in that sitting also helps-you can meet up at your favorite bar or coffeeshop the day after you start chatting as opposed to the hassle and commitment of driving 45 minutes for a big preplanned meet-up. And obviously being attractive helps. I remember reading a comment from a woman on Jezebel
(where else) complaining about how online dating discriminated against overweight women. Well, duh. If you can't sell people on your looks then you are probably better off meeting them in person where at least your personality has a chance to show through.

I've tried the online stuff, haven't gotten many responses so far. I think saying outright that I'm Christian and am looking for a Christian man has cut down a lot on the guys who just want to go to bed.

I do like the idea of being able to weed out things that are deal breakers. OK, this guy has a different religion or completely opposed politics or likes to do things that I dislike, then can weed them out without having to spend a lot of time finding this out (and agonizing because they're great in so many other ways, but a real deal-breaker just is going to cause problems, better to deal with it right away).

I do wonder though how many guys in their forties really like to do as much hiking and water skiing and motorcycling, etc. as so many of them say they do. I think some of them are trying to show off, and since I'm not into those things (a stroll through the woods is fun, a long hike is not), then I start wondering about that. Guys, if you like to sit in an easy chair and watch TV some nights, that's OK.

Evidently, the online dating sites are packed with fakes perped by the sites: Match.com and Eharmoney keep a lot of photos/profiles on of people no longer part of the site.

Save your money, join a book club or golf club etc.

Girls: If you join a bike club, golf club, scuba diving, chess club, any number of such clubs, you will guys coming out of your ears. Note who shows up regularly--almost always a sign of a reliable and intelligent person. Or one without a social life, but that is good for you.

Guys: Ain't no good way to meet girls, dating women is a losing proposition, just something we have to do to have sex. But I took aerobic dance classes for years, and always had lots of takers. Problem was, most had mental problems, but maybe that is widespread anyway.

True story: Years back, b4 I was married, I wanted to join a book club, and checked online. A high fraction of the book clubs are "for women only." Seriously.

I guess when it comes down to it, online dating is for losers, bt even losers need to hook up and have sex.

BOTU is fucking awesome!

I met my now divorced wife online. It worked better in the IM faze.

"The one"? Silly notion. Like "love at first sight." There's no such thing.

Of course, those to whom this has happened will tell you that they're living proof that there is such a thing as "love at first sight."

Not making this up. One guy once told me that he knew there was such a thing as "love at first sight." Because it's happened to him. "Several times."

Love at first sight is simply mutual attraction with someone that they could actually live. If you meet someone at the bar that you could go home with, you call it "getting lucky." When it turns out that you are actually compatible in other ways, you just "got luckier."

Of course, the ones who believe in "love at first sight" will never admit this. It would make them appear to be reckless and stupid.

I've never tried Internet dating; I've been married since before it got started. But I'm curious about one thing: how is the gender balance in the online dating pool? Back when I was between marriages, my ex and I both tried personal ads, which was the closest thing to today's online matchmaking that existed at the time. Both of us found that there was a big excess of men over women, both in ads placed and ads answered. Is the same thing true of EHarmony and Match.com membership today?

But I'm curious about one thing: how is the gender balance in the online dating pool?

Probably 80:20 men to women.

BOTU is basically right. You're really scraping the bottom of the barrel online. Maybe it's a better option for women, because of the gender disparity. But for men, there aren't many attractive, sane, women online. They have other options, and the ones who do go online get so much attention that they're not accessible.

I'd agree with Amy (as usual!). While I, too, have been hooked up since before the whole online dating thing, the women I know who've met great guys online were smart, sexy "catches." Either they worked freelance or in jobs where they didn't meet a lot of people, or in one or two cases, there was something that they knew could be a dealbreaker so they just wanted to get it on the table before starting the getting-to-know-you phase. The example I'm thinking of is a girl who was totally hot (professional dancer) and smart, but had a severely disabled toddler (and an ex who'd divorced her when the baby was born, because a sick kid wasn't part of his life plan). Obviously, the sick kid was going to be a major part of her life, but after a couple of years, she was ready to start dating again. She eventually met her now-husband (they've been together about 10 years, and have two more blessedly healthy kids), who is just amazing. If she'd seen this hot young guy in a bar (if she could even have gotten out to a bar with a sick kid at home), would she have even approached him, or would she have thought, "He's so young and handsome and carefree, he doesn't want my baggage." Of course not everyone's story is so dramatic (or has such a happy ending), but we all have things that we'd probably rather be sure aren't deal-breakers before we invest a lot of time and energy. My 2.3 cents.

What Anathema said. My dealbreakers were smoking and kids. I didn't want anything to do with either, and being online I could flat out say that. HUGE time-saver, as any guy I might have met out in the world who later said he had kids would have gotten summarily dumped anyway. Waste of time for both of us. I've done the stepmommy thing and I never, ever want to do it again. Of course, I did have a few who said "Oh, but MY kids are different", but for the most part, they went on their way.

I don't doubt that all of the women here have wonderful gorgeous friends, who date online. But try searching an online dating site for straight women, you'll see what I'm getting at. Your attractive, interesting, friends are 1 in 1000.

Well, I tried the online dating thing back in europ, and here in US. In europe, I did not make it to any contact. In the US I met this beautiful, enthusiastic, open-minded, warm personality, well educated, surfer girl that had been in europe and served also in the army, and spoke 3 languages (including mine). She was working toward her phd in hawaii, and our religious and political view were not a big mis-match. Plus she was cute.

Perfect on the paper, isn't it?

It was perfect for a week, in fact along the relationship, the perfect period would always be a week. In between the week periods, there was the other girl, and she was a very mean person. I could not endure it more than 4.5 weeks. At first you think that she had been damaged, and that you will help her going over the long bad string of bad experiences; by the end you just want to escape. Discussing later with a nurse friend working in a mental institution, she hypothesized bipolarity (which seems accurately describe the situation, but I am not a doctor).

Since then, online dating is over for me. And I met my wife thought common friend a few months afterward.

Livestock auction indeed. That's how it felt for me when I briefly tried it. Also, you can match up on paper so well that you both feel like you're checking off all the most important characteristics on your wish/requirement list... you can then go on to have great, long phone conversations (the one guy I met with any potential whatsoever was a 3 hour drive away over a couple of nasty mtn passes and it was winter so in this case it seemed to make sense to get to know each other via phone for a couple weeks before he made the drive over to my side of the mountains)... and then when you meet in person, simply have NO chemistry. that's the thing you can't tell online - whether you'll have any chemistry at all despite all the "check-offs" and that's so important.

I met my husband online on eHarmony. While it's true about having some profiles on there that are not active members, I do still believe it works.
My guy had filled everything out-then chickened out for 2 months and stopped short of actually joining and I got his profile anyway.
I thought he was attractive and liked his likes/dislikes/wants/ etc. When I sent him my list of questions and he didn't answer for 2 months I figured he was busy meeting other women.
Then he thought it over and joined and we got to "open" communication quickly and met up a week later.
We are a very good fit-their matching up from your personality profile worked well for us. We have a lot in common and enough differences to keep it interesting.
He tells people he met me in a bar b/c we did our 1st meeting in one and I tell the truth. He thinks there's a stigma attached to online meeting and I don't.
I think it's a good option, especially for people who are a little older.
The scientific profiling works but there still has to be chemisrty & attraction. The night we met, we both gave it an hour & a 1/2 and ended up staying for 3 1/2 hrs. talking. Neither of us wanted the evening to end.
And 4.5 years later it hasn't.

linny-
Have you ever posted before on this forum?

Hi BOTU- I'm a big fan of Amy's and I did post once or twice before about the same subject as it's something I am passionate about. I know it won't work for everyone but it certainly worked for me. I dated quite a bit and just never met anyone I really related to for anything long term. I was divorced for 20 years when I married my husband.
I honestly think eHarmony was the single best thing I ever did for myself. My worst fear before was that I'd end up growing old and dying alone, even tho I was not unhappy and enjoyed my life and independence. Deep down, I knew I wanted to share my life w/ someone and not just "anyone".
I find it funny that people would say things like-oh, you're pretty, you can find a husband and stuff like that. Just b/c men thought I was attractive didn't mean I was finding one I'd share my life with.
I had tried lots of other avenues before-from singles nights, to classifieds, craigslist, match and eharmony worked way better for me than anything else and I think part of that is that someone else did the matching w/ the personality test, not just me looking at pics & going by cute/not cute!
this is me and my sweetheart. I was contacted to do a commercial but my husband is too shy(and it would blow his lie about meeting me in a bar!)
http://www.eharmony.com/success/stories/so-many-more/1963

I liked online dating, it was fun. When I graduated and moved and didn't know many people, it was a good way to meet people. Some I became friends with. One I ended up living with for a year.

I met my husband in a more traditional way. His ex GF set us up.

Of course women like online dating. They're the center of attention. For men, it's just a lot of work, typically to be disappointed. Jonah's right about the make up on dating sites. The men who join seem to be about average, average looks, jobs etc.. But the women are usually below average in the same respects. There are very few attractive women dating online.

But the women are usually below average in the same respects. There are very few attractive women dating online.

If you're looking for 6s and 7s, you'll find plenty. If you're looking for 9s and 10s, not so much. Because they're too busy dating douchebags.

Linny. I suspect you are simply planted by eHarmony.

" But the women are usually below average in the same respects. There are very few attractive women dating online."

When I tried out online dating I saw dozens of very attractive guys within my zipcode and age range-tall, 6 packs, etc. Out of curiosity I browsed through the women in the same location age range to "size up my competition" and was distinctly underwhelmed. There weren't that many attractive women at all-I honestly thought I was one of the best looking and I'm not a supermodel. Maybe women are less open to online dating, or find it easier to get dates IRL, I'm not sure; but for those that do seems like the odds are stacked in our favor.

I know a very pretty young woman who dates online. She told me that she doesn't use a picture on her public profile. She has to approve someone to see her pictures. Apparently it's not worth the nuisance. She said that she just gets harassed when she makes her photo public.

BOTU- I am no plant! I am a real person who found real love thru them!
Not sure what I could say to make you believe me!
That is truly one of our wedding pics-we got married may 29th in Tappan NY at the oldest Inn in New York-the 76House.
I don't think they are the sort of site that "plants" people actually, altho I do think that having profiles of non-active members is wrong(even tho my husband was non-active when I received him-at least he joined).
I did a lot a of research before spending that much $ on a dating site. Match supposedly has lots of married guys looking for side action, so I gave up on that one quickly-besides it didn't seem like anyone who contacted me actually read my profile, but only looked at my pics and thought I was cute.
I did have fun w/ the dating I did thru Craigslist but to be honest it was very casual and more about finding decent sex(not that there's anything wrong w/ that!)
If you still don't believe I am a real woman, you could check the blog I used to write- linnygettingskinny.blogspot.com
I gave it up in Sept b/c I got lazy about taking off the last 10 lbs. I wanted to lose once the wedding was over. You'll see there that I also mention eharmony a lot. At my age, I feel really lucky to have met a "keeper" b/c face it-I may be attractive to some, at almost 50 I am pretty invisible to most! That is reality. At any given singles event-I was getting approached by men who were so old, they could be my dad and the men my age were approaching girls who could be their daughters!

What do I need to know here?

That while you're waiting by the phone at 7:00 for his call, he's been distracted by something and gone off to do that and lost track of time.

It's a phone call. I don't think anyone expects you to schedule your existence around it like you would an actual date.

Jane - Don't pay any attention to brian. Any man who you'd want to be with would keep his agreement, even if it's "just" a phone call. If he can't keep his word on small things he won't on the larger things either.

I think that you're just running into a lot of "brians", men who haven't figured out yet that one of the sexiest qualities to a woman is a man who mean what they say. Or you're finding men who just find it easier to make promises they don't intend to keep rather than say they are turned off by the idea of a phone date, or men who are intimidated by a woman who would actually ask them to commit to something so early on.

I think I would tweek your idea a little. Rather than you taking the lead (not sexy to most men, although admittedly they are frequently reluctant to take the lead themselves, forcing women all to often to do it for them), maybe you could mention how much you'd really like to meet by phone but would hate to miss his calls because of your busy schedule, and than hope he takes the bait and offers the idea of setting a time. If he feels it's his idea, he's more inclined to be invested in it and to actually be there.

To STEVE M, just wanted to acknowledge your thoughtfully written reply to my post ( now unpublished for a good reason), and getting validation for keeping agreements from a male perspective. I especially enjoy and learned something valuable from your 'tweeking' suggestion. Best, Jane

I guess neither steve nor jane know any men with ADD.

A phone call at 7:15 versus 7:00 is no big deal. If I'm supposed to pick you up at 7:00 for a 7:30 show, then 7:15 is a big deal.

Perspective.

Didn't see Jane's original post but I'm with Brian. It's a phone call, not a date. If someone says "I'll call you tonight" then any time that night should suffice. My phone goes with me wherever I go so it's not like I'm just sitting at home by the answering machine. If you call at a bad time then oh well, I'll call you back later. Even if they didn't call I'd assume they fell asleep or got caught up in something. And 30 or 45 minutes late? Hell that could be a bout of diarrhea. A total non-issue.

Hi Brian - While I guess I could sort of agree that 15 minutes is not that big of a deal with a phone call. I think Jane was referring to guys that plain just didn't call at all after agreeing to.

My suggestion, if one knows they are "promptness-challenged" and likely to be late (as I frequently am), is to not set precise times, but give a window.

The way I see it, maybe it doesn't make a difference to you that the call starts 15 minutes late because - after all, it's not like making the start of a movie, but consider that the other person may have gone to a lot of trouble to make sure they met the appointed time, and maybe they only have a certain amount of time - which is why there was a set start time to begin with.

But to change the focus a little, man to man, we could talk all day about justifications for being late, and many of them would be legitimate. However, women are observant, and they rarely meet men they think are really reliable, and they love it when they do. Believe me, if you want to make a good impression with a woman you've just met (and what man doesn't), it goes way better to keep a time agreement than to have a great excuse, no matter how legitimate. Just sayin'

Jane - You're most welcome. Thanks for the acknowledgment.

There are many great,lovable men out there who just don't understand how important it is to make sure their woman knows they can be trusted, and don't realize the messages their (seemingly) insignificant actions send (or don't send) to a woman.

On another note, men want women, and in general, they'll do what they have to to get them but not a whole lot more. I'm sure you've heard it said that we "train" people how to treat us by what we reinforce and what we allow. I think many women have kind of given up on men being reliable. This is where it's up to women to let men know that laziness around commitments is not a way to their hearts (or beds).

Good luck, and I'll be interested to see how Amy answers your question.

I tried online dating, but after I sent some pics and a few spicy letters to a very nice looking guy, the webmaster at johnnydepp.com sent me a very curt letter AND threatened me with a restraining order.

Stupid internet.