I can't believe that people still remember, let alone care, about this stuff 20+ years out. I wonder if LW hasn't had many sexual or romantic partners which would explain her being so hung up on this one guy. If so then it's a ringing endorsement for sleeping around if at least that helps you put your relationships in perspective.

That being said I think LW should stop writing and consider unfriending this guy. That will give her the satisfaction of screwing with his head a little but much more importantly it removes a source of temptation for cheating on her husband and kids. Because it sounds like she's not over him at all and I can just see 6 months down the road you getting a letter about how she's fallen back in love with her high school fling and wants to run off with him yada yada. Better to nip it in the bud before it gets to that stage.

Ps. I miss the second column! Are you going to go back to posting two?

Oh just kidding I see the 2nd column-I got confused by the repeated title.

I gave him a fine homecoming, thinking he was finally seeing me in a new light.

Maybe I'm missing some details here, but I wonder what led her to think that. It looks as if the guy called and wanted to see her and she imbued that with the meaning she wanted (and was the most flattering). I would have said to find out if he really was seeing her in a new light and then give him that fine homecoming. But, then, he'd obviously used her as backup before:

In high school, he took me to prom, but only as friends when none of the other girls he asked said yes.

Followed by this: I was jealous upon hearing he'd gotten married

Yikes.

I'm betting what the LW is angry about is that he hasn't spent the last twenty years wondering about her. It's likely that was the reason she responded to him on Facebook. If her first reaction had been anger, she either would have ignored him or let him have it right then. But she spent time messaging him back and forth before deciding that she was still angry. I'm thinking that the anger was lurking under the top layer of "Maybe he's finally regretting not falling in love with me two decades ago." After that was a no-go, she got mad. I'm with Amy and Shannon: let it go. He obviously doesn't see things in the same light you do, LW, so you're only hurting yourself and potentially your family by holding onto the anger now.

Woman needs help.

No one likes to feel like they are a fall back position, or plan B, or any other euphemism one wants to use for this type of situation.

I guess the thing that bothers me about this letter is that it seems like she is more concerned about resolving her own inadequacies regarding being this guys back up than about having it be a priority to not make her husband feel like she settled for him and would have rather ended up with this other guy.

If she is happy in her current relationship then getting angry over something like this is kind of a slap in the face to her husband when the preferable position would be for her to be happy things didn’t work out with this other fellow because it opened up the possibility of her current life.

I wonder if her husband even knows she’s been chatting with this fellow and how he feels about this situation (if he even cares). If this online conversation has been kept a secret, it is interesting that she would write for advice on whether to be emotionally honest with some guy on the internet she hasn’t spoken to in over a decade instead of being emotionally honest with the guy she married.

If there was an award for holding grudges, LW would win. I feel sorry for her current husband, how often has he been made to suffer for the sins of this phantom first *love*? LW, you need to get yourself a really good therapist, and maybe some meds, because nursing something like this for 20+ years, that isn't healthy.

Repeat after me.
He Never Promised You Anything.

And even if he did, and he broke that promise, it was TWENTY YEARS AGO.

Leave it be.

GUYS: Remember, most women will read more into your actions than you intend for them to. If you don't want to be that guy who breaks someone's heart, you need to take that into account. Let her know BEFORE you do anything sexual that you don't want it to go anywhere. There are a lot of fragile women out there.

GIRLS: If you are one of those fragile women, find out BEFORE you do anything sexual what the guys' intentions are.

This is just one more thing I hate about facebook - the past won't stay in the past. Really, this is the kind of situation where she just shouldn't have responded at all. As it is, she ought to block him and leave it in the past, stop poisoning her marriage with crap from 20 years ago, and grow up.

NicoleK: Heck, you don't even have to throw sex in the mix for certain high school and even college girls to fixate. There is a subset of gals who essentially stalk guys they fixate on, creating in their heads a pretty strong connection with guys on the slimmest of interactions. (This is true of certain guys too, of course.)

Any person who experienced this as the stalkee knows what I am talking about. The hopeful stalker just starts showing up everywhere you go, trying to find connections with the stalkee. The more polite the stalkee is about the problem, the worse it gets.

There is some aspect of our species' desire to reproduce that makes some of the population obsess about potential mates they really want, to the point where the sufferers stop thinking about *likely* mates, and instead just keep going after the mates they desire (but have no real shot at). Sounds like this gal is undergoing a middle life crisis, which is reawakening some of that old behavior in her.

I've found that leaving the country for half a decade, then settling a few hundred miles away from the old home town cuts down on the interactions.

It doesn't eliminate them. What are the odds of finding an apartment through a newspaper ad, only to find out that your landlord went to college and was friends with one of your high school classmates? Truth.

No facebook, no stalking, no problem. I suspect nobody from high school cares, which also helps.

God—this letter alternately gives me the creeps and makes me want to slap the LW.

I spent so much of my adult life wanting to know WHY WHY WHY the kids in high school didn't like me! And then when we had the 20 year reunion, I realized it was because they were all douchebags who were nothing like the interesting and open-minded friends I'd made throughout my adult life.

It took about 10 minutes.

The LW doesn't need to tell "Sam" what she's feeling—she needs to tell her husband and children. That should put the weight and importance of those feelings into true perspective and help her determine if they are worth sharing (or feeling) after all.

And is there an ickier phrase than: "I gave him a fine homecoming?"

It sounds straight from a Tennessee Williams play—heavy-lidded Southern accent and all.

Exactly. "Ah gave him a fine homecoming... with lilac perfume and moonlight."

Still, the guy did act like a jerk. Lots of men have had women with one-sided crushes on them. I've had several friends who didn't take advantage of that.

I know that's setting the bar pretty low but it isn't impossible for men to act one notch above a dog in heat.

He may have acted like a jerk, but she was a passive-aggressive slut. Well, maybe not a slut—but she could (and should) have said she was interested before she slept with him. Or gave him whatever physical pleasure "a fine homecoming" equates to these days.

In defense of Sam, he genuinely may not understand what she was feeling and expecting, and certainly not 20 years later. They'd gone to the prom together, then had a romp years later after his divorce. How is he supposed to have known that she was holding a torch all that time, and expecting him to start up a relationship with her?

One thing that I've learned from being on Facebook is that many many adults still identify with who they were in high school and college. I mean people in their 30's and 40's even. It's more than just a 'glory days' type of sentimentality. It's as though they still see themselves as who they were then.

I hated it at the time, but now I am SO glad I went to an all girls high school.

So much less crap. No boys to distract you from the educational process.

School reunions?? Seriously, what is the point except to dredge up old grudges and see who got how fat. Any friends from high school worth keeping I just kept.

Also, no Facebook.
I hate Facebook.

It just turns into an online angst-ridden social mess.

Social nutworking, more likely.

LW needs to take a deep cleansing breath and move on.

Oh, the One That Got Away, the Old What-If! Lots of people have stories similar to this one. Sometimes they're good stories, and sometimes they're bad ones. The one common thread to all of them: They're in the past. Most folks, upon reaching a certain age, understand that there are some things you just can't bring back, and even if you could, you might be disappointed in what you'd find.

The LW states: "We're both happily married, with kids, and there's no danger of that changing ..." That's good. And for that reason, there's nothing to be gained in re-opening the past; it won't settle anything. Your future is far more important.

Oh, by the way, it's none of my business, but since nearly all of my female Facebook friends are married, I have a rule I use: Don't write anything, whether it's a wall post or a private note, that I wouldn't be perfectly happy to let the friend's husband see. Can't be too careful these days.

*chuckle*
I got the invite to my 20th reunion, said to my husband "How in the hell did they find me?" and threw it away. I have exactly one good friend left from those days, guess she ratted me out ^.^

Honestly, tho, if I didn't keep moving, growing, and changing, I think I would die. It must be a really sad existence to be stagnant, longing for something that might have been 20+ years ago, when the world has so very much to offer here and now. This year alone I already have 2 classes scheduled, gonna finally learn me some photography :D (not to mention the *huge* pile of books, craft projects, etc waiting for me to get to them)

Geez, if one of my old flames were to suddenly show up outta nowhere, assuming I even recognized him, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have time for him! Then there's that little detail of being married to the most wonderful man in the world :D

Gee, this letter could have been written by my wife.

But I'm pretty sure it isn't her - she went to her prom solo, and we've been married for almost 22 years. Still, it sounds like something she could have written - she gets hung up about things just like that. If the guy she was seeing for a while before we married came back, I think she would think long and hard about it.

I got the invite to my 20th reunion, said to my husband "How in the hell did they find me?"

That reminds me of a line from one of Robert B. Parker's books: he was looking for someone who had taken great pains to disappear, so he called the person's school's alumni coordinator. He said that alumni foundations will find you when the FBI can't.

Why is it that girls get hung up over relationships that didn't happen in high school...while men get hung up over the ones that did?

Ah, I remember a crush I had in college. I would just show up at the radio station where this guy interned, find reasons to be where he was, etc. This went on for a few weeks before I got the hint that he wasn't interested.

I found out later that a mutual male friend had told him that I would never put out, cockblocking for what were perhaps his own purposes, but still, a few weeks was plenty of time to pour into an unrequited crush.

"Being angry that a guy acts like a guy is like being angry that your dog lifts his leg on a fire hydrant instead of politely excusing himself to the downstairs powder room"

Downstairs powder room? Do you mean a subway station? Maybe .....being angry that your dog lifts his leg on a fire hydrant instead of looking for a porta-potty

Great advice. That line jumped out at me...

Are you fucking kidding me?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7MuwPlOiNQ

I recently heard from the first girl I ever had sex with, on face book. We are are both happily married now, but I will never forget her. She was great. I hope she never forgets me.

What's with all the hate for high school classmates and reunions?

I went to my 20th and 30th class reunions and had the time of my life. Sure there were jerks and people I didn't like when I was in school...but something really strange happened over the years...everyone grew up!

I think someone saying they have a general disdain for his/her classmates says more about that person than it does about his/her classmates.

LW: "Should I tell him what I'm feeling?"

This is the part I don't understand. See, I get the whole "I'm so hung up on one incident that I tend to dwell on it..." even if I thinks it's really silly to dwell on a dude from *high school*. (Seriously, high school. It's been 20+ years, how the hell do you hang on to high school in all that? I barely recall college, and that wasn't even ten years ago!)

But I don't get the urge to "tell him what I'm feeling". Why would you want to do that? Do you think he'll care? Likely, he won't. Because you're a Facebook Friend, a passing accquaintance, and most likely, someone he still pictures in his head as his prom date that Mom liked. Do you think you'll feel better? Well, you'd probably feel better if he made a confession of undying love and remorse, but since the odds of that are slim-to-none, what's the point? He doesn't care. No one actually cares except you. Are you hoping that saying "Gee, twenty years ago we had sex and you know, I'm still hurt that you didn't want to get with me afterwards" will relieve some sort of emotional tension? It probably won't; more likely is that in a year you'll feel really stupid about mentioning it.

If the dude who was hung up on me in college (who I do exchange occassional "how ya doin'" emails with) was to suddenly tell me that he was *STILL* hung up on me, I can't say I would do anything other than roll my eyes and block him. I wouldn't apologize, I wouldn't try to comfort him, and, because I'm not nearly as spiteful as I fantasize about being, I wouldn't even tell him to fly a kite. I'd just block him and he'd become a funny story to tell my friends about. Has anyone ever had any success bringing up a past hurt to someone in a situation like this? I mean, has it benefitted anyone? Just curious.

Whenever I feel romantically thwarted by time and circumstance, I invoke the old French axiom, "One wants most that which one can never have". Then, I tack on the old English clincher, "That stupid cow!".

Amy,

Great headline - column title. You have a real talent for titles. Carry on please.

Janet

It doesn't sound to me as if this woman has been lugging the anger around with her. It just seems to me as though this guy contacting her out of the blue probably recycled it back up to the surface. I mean, she did get married and have kids in the meantime, which tells me she wasn't exactly pining for this guy the whole time.

I don't know. I once had a colleague who gave me a hard time. He was a bit of a lothario and I didn't give him the time of day and so he spent a few months dissing me and went as far as suggesting to an outside contact that he make a complaint about me. I was angry for a few months, but got over it.

Fast forward 12 years and he's in hot water with this job, has hired lawyers to protect his rights, etc., and is on the verge of being reinstated. He'd done something bad and did a big mea culpa, saying he'd "never" done anything like it before.

I'd moved on to another job, but heard about his troubles right on that verge. AND, I remembered something that would blow his defence out of the wter. He HAD done that thing before and there was a paper trail to prove it.

I remembered being a new employee and finding out that he'd encouraged someone to file and complaint and for what? Because I didn't let him turn me into one of his creatures. I felt a huge well of angry rise up in me and I was shocked because I hadn't thought of the guy in years and here I am getting all bent out of shape!

I think the way our minds work is interesting and that's what I read in this story. This woman's mind recalled something and it surprised her because it came with unexpected emotions. I don't think it's been cursing her life any more than my experience with this ex-colleague had been cursing mine.

I sent his boss the info about the paper trail by the way. I figured if he did his little vindictive act with me, there were probably others out there too. And my conscience is totally clear about it.

I think everyone should give the LW a break. Who hasn't been surprised by a welling up of emotion now and then? Actors do this all the time--recall emotional events to help them do their jobs.

"amount of anger that welled up in me at how he'd treated me back then."

"Anger"? For how he "treated you"? What did he do, other than 'not like you back'? Since when did we take the leap from "he's just not that into you" to "he's maltreating you"?

If you bring this up, I suspect he'll think either 'creepy!' or 'psycho!', and will probably breathe a sigh of relief he dodged that bullet.

"I gave him a fine homecoming, thinking he was finally seeing me in a new light. At week's end, I said I wanted to be more than friends, but he didn't. Apparently, he was just doing the girl he didn't in high school."

Sigh, a man was just looking for some 'mutual fun' and you gave him that, or so he thought, why could it just not have been mutual fun for you too? Now you're basically saying you only 'gave' him that fun (which you apparently didn't really want) as what you thought was a 'trade' of sorts for him 'loving you back'. The privilege of it was apparently conditional as at that point he 'owed' you love. Wrong. That is EXACTLY the kind of attitude that makes men run away in the first place.

"Maybe I'm missing some details here, but I wonder what led her to think that. It looks as if the guy called and wanted to see her and she imbued that with the meaning she wanted (and was the most flattering). I would have said to find out if he really was seeing her in a new light and then give him that fine homecoming"

I can tell you why. She didn't ask him because deep down, she knew the truth. She WANTED a situation where intentions were left unspoken PRECISELY so that she could subconsciously "mis-interpret" his actions as being evidence of 'promising something more' to her, thereby supposedly giving her some sort of moral "claim" to his love.

I'm surprised at how angry everyone seems to be at this LW. I, for one, don't mind admitting that in my lifetime I've liked someone more than they liked me and probably kidded myself (for a while at least) that things were even-steven.

I also know there have been a heck-of-a-lot of times when it's happened the other way around, when I guy has liked me way more than I've liked him. The difference for me is that I didn't use any of these guys for sex or money or anything, but that was just my personal code of ethics kicking in.

I don't think these guys (who liked me more) were creeps, although a couple of them were pretty angry and did give me a piece of their minds, some at the time of the misunderstanding a one or two much later.

The LW made a mistake. So what? I've had people contact me on FB and experienced bad reactions too. That tells me that my perception of what my relationship with that person was differs greatly from theirs. That's the beauty of living in a free country: we get to believe what we want.

I've set my privacy controls on FB to their highest to prevent unwanted people from my past out of my life. But I only did it after a couple of people I had messy situations with contacted me. That's how I read this LW's dilemma. She kept her privacy controls open, someone whom she felt wounded by--rightly or wrongly--contacted her and now she's wondering how to handle it.

I wouldn't give the guy a piece of my mind, but with one "friend" who contacted me on FB, I was tempted to do something like this. This is a person who backstabbed me quite seriously while I was in university, so when I saw her friend request, I blocked her address.

When she contacted a contact of mine to ask why I'd done it, I told the contact I wasn't interested and left it at that. If this backstabbing person wants to make a big deal about it--in her own mind or with other people--I don't care. And I don't care because I can't control what she does.

I don't think it makes a difference one way or the other what the LW does. There was a misunderstanding, she was hurt, and now these feelings are there again and she wants to know how to handle them. She's human.

I went to my 20th and 30th class reunions and had the time of my life. Sure there were jerks and people I didn't like when I was in school...but something really strange happened over the years...everyone grew up!

I think someone saying they have a general disdain for his/her classmates says more about that person than it does about his/her classmates.

I grew up in a high school that the graduating was averaging about 250 in the mid-80's. I knew about 50 people as friendly acquaintances, about 25 I wanted to see end up in apocalyptic events. I could deal with the jocks, nerds, preppies, and druggies with about equal equanimity. The rest I didn't really care about.

Now 25+ years down the road -- I never will attend a high school reunion. I don't have the halcyon days of my youth to look back on. I was a geek in high school.

I just really don't give a rat's ass about them and the distant past at this point. Its not disdain but indifference.

The other thing that happened -- I met back up with a friend after not seeing him for about 15 years. As the quote goes -- "He was my best friend from fifteen years ago, not my best friend for fifteen years."

So what about the "This is what guys do. Being angry that a guy acts like a guy is like being angry that your dog lifts his leg on a fire hydrant instead of politely excusing himself to the downstairs powder room." I mean, sure, I agree with most of what Alkon said, but she's really wasn't being fair there to all men everywhere. Sure many men don't treat women kindly and have earned a reputation for being jerks and needy, but some men actually respect women and are able to control themselves.