Ambiguity is not your friend here, LW. It'll end badly for you if you keep it up. And the more time that goes by while you're reserving this woman for a possible future relationship, the worse it'll be. You'll feel bad that you've kept her on the string so long, so you'll date her just because you feel like you should after you both put so much time into the "getting to know you" phase. Then you'll have to have an actual breakup instead of just a non-start. Don't make relationshippy noises like "let's take it slow" when you've already come to the conclusion that you don't want to take it at all.

I expect to get hissed at by some for this, but here goes...

Letterwriter, you are a guy. Accordingly, her personality will not ever get her into the "I want her!" zone. Anyone who suggests to you that you possess the capacity to overlook her physical appearance and see the "real her" and thus romantically love her on that basis is full of it. (They may not know they are full of it, but they are.)

Guys are not wired that way.

Never be "just friends" with a person whose primary interest in you is a sexual relationship and where you have no reciprocal feelings of desire.

It is not fair to that person, who may tag along for years in the hope you will suddenly have a Meg Ryan moment, one where you realize your One True Love is the "friend" who wasted many years hoping this moment would happen.

So do the right thing here and tell her it is never, ever gonna happen. She can move on.

Having been a victim of LW's exact treatment from more guys than I can count, I agree with Spartee. Move on, LW, move on, and more importantly, grow a pair and tell her to move on. It's only fair, and you'll save her a world of hurt. Trust me on this one.

"Because I like to get to know a person before contemplating anything romantic..."

This is something you either know is potentially there or not from the get-go. She's not a song that grows on you or an entree on the Chinese buffet—and I'm assuming the two of you aren't planning to get lost in the wilderness or on a desert island and have to turn to each other in your greatest hour of need.

What exactly is wrong with contemplating romance at the same time as getting to know someone? Otherwise here's what's going to happen: you're going to fall in love with her, and she's going to have become used to having you as an acquaintance.

LW, ditto to the above comment. Be honest, be a man about this.

It's the women who can genuinely grow to love a man. Men cannot do this genuinely.

It's probably true about men. When I lived in Korea, a colleague told me the story of his family. His father had married a woman who was infertile. He loved her dearly but in Korean custom it was grounds for divorce and it was the family that pressed the grounds, not the husband. My friend's father was forced to divorce his beloved wife and marry another woman. My friend was the son of this 2nd woman. His father never loved him or loved his mother and made it known on a daily basis. He seemed to have become a decent fellow in spite of this sad beginning. But his father never learned to love his wife or son.

I feel like I'm gonna go out on a limb here, but sometimes I wonder whether "some people" must broaden their idea of whom they find attractive, or else, plan on staying single.

Don't make relationshippy noises like "let's take it slow" when you've already come to the conclusion that you don't want to take it at all.

Absolutely #6. That's basically a promise of something to come. I've been in that position recently where I've had to say flat out "No, we didn't take things too fast, because this is as far as it's ever going to go, and I said that from the start". Which hurt her (she thinks she's in love with me), and upset me because I don't like hurting people - but it was better than giving her false hope that it might turn into a relationship when I know it won't.

LW, don't fall into the trap of avoiding confrontation with vague promises. It's something I've had to learn myself. If it bothers you that she calls you by endearing names, say so - nicely and gently of course, I'm not saying be a prick - but make it clear it's worrying you.

Thanks, Ltw. I speak from experience as well, but I didn't handle it straightforwardly like you. I worked with the guy, wasn't interested and knew he was married, but I didn't want to make things awkward by turning him down flat out when he wanted us to hang out together (I know it sounds innocuous, but he was pretty straight about being interested in me). I really should have, but I liked him as a friendly coworker and wanted to keep it that way. But that ship sailed out from under me and nothing I could have done would've kept things the way I wanted. He eventually stopped coming downstairs to visit me and I went out of my way to avoid him if no one else was around to be a buffer. It got to the point that he came to see me at my new job once and I hid.

So, LW, Ltw is absolutely right: avoiding confrontation is not the way to go. It won't make things less awkward. As I read in an advice column the other day, it's down to the choice of being maybe a jerk now versus being a monster later when she's much more invested in the relationship. I wish I'd had the guts to deal with things in a straightforward but pleasant way.

I call everyone Sweetie or Darlin'. It's because I can't always remember their names. Honestly, ask my kids, I will run thru their names, the dogs' names, half the neighbors kids, til I get to the one I want when I need to bitch one of them out. So, most of the time, sweetie works much better.

Don't be too impressed, it's a new skill for me #6 - I've always been a "tell them what they want to hear" kind of guy before. I finally realised in the last few years that it only makes it worse. It's amazing how a couple of crises in your life can change your outlook.

It got to the point that he came to see me at my new job once and I hid.

Ouch. Now there's something I would never have the guts or lack of manners to do...

Yeah, that was the slap in the face for me, Ltw. I'm a grown person and I just fucking hid from something that was my own fault to begin with? I've been working on being straightforward (but polite) in those kinds of situations. Which is funny, because I'm pretty good at the "nice but blunt" thing in other aspects of my life. Or even when the guy is just a jerk. It's harder to do when you like or are ambivalent about the person. For me, it requires more active thought: "It won't ever be easier to tell him the absolute truth, so I have to do it now." Make that your mantra, LW. It will never be easier to have an awkward conversation that it is right now, whenever your now is.

It's harder to do when you like or are ambivalent about the person.

That was my problem NumberSix. I like her but she lives 500 miles away and I said from the start that it would only ever be "I'll catch up with you when I'm in town". Maybe that's not nice of me but I was honest about it from the start and made it very clear there would never be a relationship. Even encouraged her to take any other options that came up as long as she told me about it, and I would do the same. Almost daily phone calls for a few weeks, then four calls in one day - the 4th after I sent a message saying I was not in the mood to chat, that I would call in a couple of days. I answered the last because it was 11pm and I thought it might be something serious. Turned out she wanted to know how my weekend was. As you can imagine, that conversation didn't go well...

Fixed now, sort of - I just refused to budge from my original position, she hung up on me, then apologised the next day. So it turns out I can do "nice but blunt", but only when really pushed. But I didn't enjoy it at all. Still, it was better than letting her think that there was more going on than there was.

My, we do open up on this blog don't we? I'll bet most of us hide its existence from our partners more than we would porn :)

I think those that are equating turning down romantic advances with confrontation may be missing the mark in a lot of cases.

I've only recently begun dating again after my son moved out of the house and have been having fun asking a lot of women out. While I've had some lovely dates, I've also been rejected an awful lot. I'm getting pretty good at getting rejected.

What has surprised me is the amount of class and grace that one hundred percent of these women have shown while rejecting me. Not one has been rude or confrontational, yet have found a way to make it clear that it ain't going to happen. I've found this very refreshing and no longer have any fear of rejection. This has given me confidence to approach more women. Women are awesome!

Two things that may make my story unusual are 1) I guess I must be attracted to classy women 2) I can take a hint.

"I want to take it show..." brings me back a few years. A guy I was interested in and seemed interested in me wanted to "take it slow."

Fair enough. I'm not exactly fast-moving myself.

So, after we had seen each other a few times, I sent him an email, telling him I had a good time and was looking forward to seeing him again.

No response.

A few days later, I left a message on his machine.

No response.

Then a couple of weeks later, I he happened to run into me in the gym and began to talk about where he'd like to go for our next date.

Me: no response...beyond a certain glare that probably caused the entire section of the gym to ice over. I think he got the message.

I think people who say they want to "take it slow" are presenting this as a ready-made excuse because they are typically rude...not returning messages, for example. I don't believe anyone who wants to "take it slow" would feel that way over someone they felt "head over heels" attracted to.

So, we can add this translation to the jargon we see in personal ads:

"I like to take it slow" means, "I'm a rude son of a bitch who doesn't return messages and if you get upset about it, I'll make it seem like it's your fault by saying, 'I told you I like to take it slow.'"

Or in this guy's case, "I'll just string you along until you get bored with pursuing me, because I don't have the balls to tell you to your face that I'm not interested."

My first thought? LW's a dick.

LW: Give her a good long screw in all three holes, nice and rough. If she comes back, do it again. Third time, same thing, but even rougher, and she'll probably complain. Then say you are not compatible, and move on.
PS You are such a loser.