All's Ferret In Love And War
Throughout my three years with my boyfriend, he's been less than faithful. Two years ago, he told me he met "a cool girl" while out of town. He claimed nothing had happened but good conversation. They're Facebook friends, and I have an overwhelming urge to message her and ask for the truth. This would give me the resolution I need.
--Agonizing
Facebook is just the place to find answers to all of life's big questions: Which Pokemon character are you? What color gummy bear? How long would you survive a zombie apocalypse? And then, are you one of the skanks my boyfriend cheated on me with? You could ask this woman that last question -- ideally, in somewhat more polite language -- but even if she writes you back (and maybe even truthfully), what could she tell you that you don't already know? Your boyfriend is a cheater. Cheaters cheat. Unless he's given you reason to believe he's mended his ways, the person you should be asking questions of is yourself: Is my relationship making me happy? If not, why am I still here? Tempting as it is to focus on confirming your suspicions, wouldn't real resolution be getting into a relationship where you don't have them? Then you could go back to using Facebook like so many people do -- to have an hourly window into how wildly dull their friends are, and yet how intent they are to communicate it: "I'm cheating on Cheerios with oatmeal!!!!!" Well, that does beat yesterday's "I'm having my breakfast...mmmm."
See??? THIS is why I'm such a "terrible" Facebook friend! Because I don't play all these bullshit games; I have way better things to do with my time.
LW, give yourself a break, would you please? You KNOW he cheated, let go and move the fuck on already! Haven't you heard, living well is the best revenge?? And pleases don't jump in the sack with just any guy anymore, make him work for you!
As much as I hate to admit it, the movie - "He's Just Not That Into You"? - true, that. If he really digs you, he'll let you know. And he'll make sure everyone else knows it too. And he won't tell you about "some cool girl" he had just "good conversation" with. Please. Please care more about yourself than letting some asshat feed you a line like that and then sucking his dick. HE is NOT worth it.
(Sorry for the rant, but I just can't stand it when girls do this to themselves. Probably because I was once guilty of doing the same damn thing, and had NO one to tell me what an asshat I was being.)
Flynne at April 12, 2011 5:34 PM
After you dump him (which you should do), unfriend him on Facebook and resist the urge to check up on him and his other women.
Sue at April 12, 2011 6:07 PM
If he's cheating on you, it's his fault. What's the use of messaging (confronting, really) the Really Cool Friend? That doesn't make him less guilty, unless you want to focus all your anger on her, which lets him off the hook, and allows you to feel less ridiculous.
Old RPM Daddy at April 13, 2011 4:48 AM
Oh, by the way, to restate the obvious: "Throughout my three years with my boyfriend, he's been less than faithful."
Throughout your three years with your boyfriend, you've been putting up with it for what reason?
Old RPM Daddy at April 13, 2011 4:50 AM
Is it just me, or isn't "I met this cool girl" synonymous with "I'm leaving?"
Why else would anyone say this to his girlfriend?
MarkD at April 13, 2011 6:06 AM
What's "agonizing" is having to read bullshit like this from someone who will likely never, ever change.
Go ahead and Facebook the friend. Why not?
Razor at April 13, 2011 6:06 AM
You want a faithful boyfriend? Dump this guy and find one. Make sure the next guy knows monogamy is a Prime Directive-level rule for you.
You want this guy badly enough that you are willing to tolerate him cheating? Fine. (That is, apparently, the deal he is offering.)
But don't write advice columnists asking for advice about second-order issues like whether you should contact strangers about your boyfriend's fidelity. You already know enough about your boyfriend to make your decision, so don't embarass yourself by emailing strangers.
Again, you apparently have enough information to understand your boyfriend and make choices about him. Make your damn choices, and then live with the choices. That other woman is largely irrelevant, and your focus on her is a way to avoid making a choice.
Spartee at April 13, 2011 6:25 AM
I am not sure the word "cheating" should describe ordinary, normal and healthy male behavior.
That's like calling a woman a "rapacious consumer" just because she has 10 sets of shoes for every one set of her husband's.
Men like recreational sex; women like recreational shopping.
Get used to it.
BOTU at April 13, 2011 10:07 AM
The shoes in my closet don't get their shoe-panties in a wad when I bring home a nice pair of fuck-me boots.
MonicaP at April 13, 2011 1:30 PM
Whether or not he cheated in this particular instance; the very fact that you even have to sit and wonder 'did he, didn't he, did he, didn't he' is a wrong on you, and is an uncomfortable position he has put you in by cheating in the past. Are you going to spend the rest of your life agonizing over whether he really did sleep with flavor of the month? That's a strange hobby. What a waste of time and energy.
Some people seem to have a remarkable 'tolerance' for cheating, (I know a couple where I recently saw one cheat right in front of the other, they had a huge fight, and the next day everything was fine like nothing happened.) Sounds like you aren't one of those people. Bottom line is you don't like it. Decide if it's a deal-breaker for you, and then either break the deal, or accept that he'll come home smelling like some other woman now and again (doesn't sound like he respects you much, and putting up with this is not going to win more respect from him).
Lobster at April 13, 2011 4:30 PM
So hes been banging this girl for more than two yrs and your just now at the point to where your ready to confront her to see if he is acctually cheating?
lujlp at April 13, 2011 8:10 PM
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