'You should also make sure your partner isn't your second greatest love, after your love of being right.'

Gold.

"You should also make sure your partner isn't your second greatest love, after your love of being right. "

Absolutely. Remember the sage advice from that font of philosophical wisdom, the television show Hee Haw, as illustrated by this brief instructive skit:

Patient: "Hey doc, it hurts my arm when I do this!"

Doctor: "Then don't do that!"

"but I'm afraid of ending up like my parents: constantly bickering over minutiae, snarling at each other from other rooms, and slamming doors."

"The thing is, my boyfriend and I are already starting to fight over the stupidest stuff!"

So, you are edging towards doing what you watched your parents did? Shocking.

Here is an idea. Never treat a person you claim to love worse than you would treat a stranger. I assume you never snap at strangers without very good cause, and even then you likely hold your sharp words and do not express annoyance easily. Most people can keep their frustration in check dealing with waiters, clerks, etc. If you can do it then, you can damn well do it with the person you claim is so important to you.

If you cannot, then the problem is you. You are selectively treated your S/O like shit relative to how you treat strangers. That makes you a lousy mate.

I'd grown up in a home like this. My parents fought constantly and exposed my siblings and me to all of it. Once I grew up I recognized that they were just selfish and pathetic. There's no justifiable reason to put kids through that.

If you find yourself doing the same with someone, break up with them. Figure out why, then try to find someone who doesn't trigger that behavior. You can't fix it. Because you're rehearsing the mistakes of someone else's life. In the immortal words of Nicole Atkins, the battle is all that you know. Find someone kind and ethical, and try to let go of your past.

Right on, Spartee. From a lot of the letters Amy gets, it seems like people forget that being in a committed relationship isn't the end result they've been looking for. Relationships require upkeep and maintenance; they're not indefinitely static.

It helps to make a pact that you won't act like you've forgotten you love each other.

Yes. This is more likely to work than to assume that because you started with good intentions, you'll avoid your parents' relationship, LW. You have to maintain those intentions and translate them into actions.

I remember an article that studied why couples stayed together for the long-term, or why they broke up. One of the most prominent factors they identified was how people react to provocations. According to the article, if someone is snapped at, there are two ways they can react:

- They can raise the stakes. "Sure, I didn't get any pepper - your handwriting is so awful no one could ever read it".

- They can play it down. (Oops, she must have had a bad day) "Sorry, if we really need it, I'll go back and get some."

The first group winds up divorced, the second group winds up staying together. Go figure...

All good advice, but I would add that a reasonable amount of snipping at one another isn't the end of the world.

My parents have been happily together for something like 45 years. And yes, they are very happy. Oh, there's bickering; and plenty of it. But, the important thing is that what they say isn't hateful or cutting. I'm sure it could be as people that have known each other intimately for 45 years have got to know exactly what would deeply hurt the other.

Another important point is that it's completely forgotten within seconds of the "fight".

They also have those tools that Amy mentioned that keeps the fight from escalating into hurtful territory.

As far as growing up in a family with all that bickering? It was hilarious! Both Mom and Dad are very, very quick witted and funny. Burns and Allen aren't nearly as funny as the spats they have. When I hear them going at it today, I sit back, laugh my ass off, and thoroughly enjoy it. It's like chicken soup.

They've been pros at it for a long time now and it's more like a little sport they share together than anything mean spirited.

To illustrate my above point, here is a real life example that stuck in my head:

Mom (in response to a gripe about the dinner she had prepared): "If you'd take me someplace nice to dinner every decade or so, I might get some better meal ideas."

Dad: "No way. Every time I take you someplace nice, you drop the tray."

Spot on with the 'treat your spouse as well as you would a stranger'. So often (and to my shame) I catch myself treating friends, accquaintances and strangers better. I guess I rationalize it that since I gave more of myself to the family, I'm are 'owed' more from them too.

It's important that you more then pour your share of water in the relationship so the well doesn't go dry.

Wonderful comments so far (I'm picturing Miss Alkon making a pouty face)! A couple I would add:

- Don't keep score, and don't try to get even.

- Don't go storing up emotional ammunition for later use.

I dunno, RPM Daddy. That last seems mostly a girl thing. Guys for the most part get ALL of it off their chest all at once.

Now, not always. Sometimes guys have issues that...linger.

Find a partner with no character flaws. They keep telling me that physical attraction fades, but in my case it is taking its own sweet time. I wonder if I'll last long enough to see it?

Seriously, keep things in perspective. You never get a grocery list written in Japanese...

Take karate together. That way she can kick and punch you as much as she wants, and get it out of her system. I'm twice her size, so it doesn't hurt, as long as I block fast enough...

I just like, admire, love, am somewhat in awe of, and lust after that girl. Maybe insanity is the answer. Something is working for me.

"You should also make sure your partner isn't your second greatest love, after your love of being right."

Oh, yes, yes, yes. Years ago, a friend told me he was bickering constantly with his live-in boyfriend (would have been husband if the law allowed.) I told him, "You need to decide which you want more: To be right, or to be happy?" Brought him up short, and he admitted he was very focused on being right.

Another thought that has contributed to a marriage where we are still in love after 16 years: Always remember, when you're feeling irritated, that it may be that you're simply feeling irritable, rather than that they are being irritating.

And folks? Be polite. Please, thank you, I'm sorry, go a long way.

"Find a partner with no character flaws."

This isn't possible. While I'm sure your wife is very close to flawless, I think your misinterpreting what is happening. You've wisely learned to love her flaws as an integral part of her whole being.

That may also explain why physical attraction is not fading. I'll bet it's actually getting stronger and will continue to get stronger. I agree with you that the idea of fading physical attraction is a bunch of hooey in cases of genuine love.

When my wife snaps at me, I don't respond, so it's over quickly and doesn't escalate. But every time it happens, it chips away a little bit of the love I felt originally. That really should be past tense, as there hasn't been any left for years.

ouch

This might sound weird, but I love how my husband argues, which is a huge change from how my parents argued. We're a little tense as we go back and forth over what's bothering us, then there's about 20 minutes of awkward silence, then we go back to normal. No hits below the belt, no character assassination, so throwing plates. It's refreshing.

Monica, that's exactly it. My DH and I have been married 16 years, together for 21, and we have never yelled, cursed, called names, insulted, slammed doors, accused -- any of the stuff people mean when they say "We had a fight." We've had some very serious discussions, but the worst it's ever gotten is that we've been a little short with one another. And we always keep in mind that anytime we differ on what we want or need, there are going to be two winners, or two losers. Any "solution" that doesn't work for both of us is, by definition, not a solution.

It's a lovely way to live. I also think that it's part of why we still find each other attractive all these years later -- there's no baggage of past ugliness getting in the way.

It comes down to chemistry: that undefinable, illogical and primal mutual attraction. Couples who have it are the ones who make zero sense on paper. (i.e My tree hugging friend who married the committed hunter. The professor who married the high school dropout) They remain deeply in love to this day because chemistry allows them to forgive things in their partner that they won't forgive in anyone else. They recognize the flaws, they tell funny stories about them, but then they shake their head as if to say "oh well, I know this should bother me but it just doesn't."

So, WhistleDick, for couples with chemistry, "Finding a partner with no character flaws" IS possible, because they are immune to the impact of their SO's flaws.

To the LW: there's no way to fix a relationship that lacks chemistry--not counseling, nor finding a fairer way to argue. The relationship will play out to the extent of its potential and no further. And when you're done, there's no way to go out looking for chemistry, either because again, it doesn't make sense on paper. But, on a brighter note, you're beginning to ask the right questions, and you're not willing to settle for your parents' relationship.

So, LW, go get yourself some chemistry! You deserve it, and some guy deserves you. Have faith that it's posible, be prepared to go on many first dates, and on those dates be watchful for mutual attraction, easy conversation, and an indication that you both naturally and easily 'get' each other.

"It's a lovely way to live. I also think that it's part of why we still find each other attractive all these years later -- there's no baggage of past ugliness getting in the way."

That is huge. As Rex describes, every cutting, snappish remark can really chip away the love. Too many people don't realize this. They think muttering an apology wipes out the damage that's been done.

Years ago, I was at a cocktail party, and some guy came over, introduced himself, then proceeded to make some snide, rather insulting comments about my husband, making him the butt of jokes amoung the group standing there. And I laughed, as others did, mainly out of politeness, rather than leave his "jokes" hanging there awkwardly.

Later, one of the older (and much longer married) ladies confronted me in the restroom. She said, "Honey, every time you laugh at your husband's expense, you're demeaning your marriage".

I thought she was crazy and uptight at first. Then, she asked me how I'd feel if the tables were turned, and I decided she had a point! From then on, I tried never to do that. She was right - it was like I was taking the other guy's side, being disloyal to my partner.

These little gestures can make a big difference, whether it's having your partner's back in public, or just saying "please" and "thank you" at home.

Hmmm... I think your boyfriend may have written the other question this week.

Anyway, here's your answer. You're doomed.

BTW—this advice... "Bang him once more for good measure and move on" sounds like a good plan.

You basically need to have a crush on a partner as a human being...

This is fantastic, fantastic advice. I am quoting that the next time my friend tells me that her boyfriend "isn't really the nicest, smartest person in the world, but he loves me."

@MarkD it sounds like you have a sweet relationship ... Your comment made me think, "Now that's love."

Later, one of the older (and much longer married) ladies confronted me in the restroom. She said, "Honey, every time you laugh at your husband's expense, you're demeaning your marriage".

I thought she was crazy and uptight at first. Then, she asked me how I'd feel if the tables were turned, and I decided she had a point! From then on, I tried never to do that. She was right - it was like I was taking the other guy's side, being disloyal to my partner.

This is so true. And it's easy to do this outside of that context. Everytime you are mad at your SO and talk about personal things, it cuts up the relationship. Unless it's a mutually agreed counseler, you should keep your private stuff, private.

Oops...that would put Amy out of business and us unentertained. Forget I said that...

"Years ago, I was at a cocktail party, and some guy came over, introduced himself, then proceeded to make some snide, rather insulting comments about my husband, making him the butt of jokes amoung the group standing there. And I laughed, as others did, mainly out of politeness, rather than leave his 'jokes' hanging there awkwardly."

If "some guy" (i.e., largely unknown to me) came over and started making snide remarks about my S/O in front of a bunch of people, I would tell him to shut up. I would not be smiling. And I sure wouldn't be laughing.

You husband should have coolly asked the man why he thought he could act like that. And yes, you should not have laughed.

You don't have to be solicitous to people who are socially aggressive towards loved ones. In fact, I think you are better off developing a reputation as a generally friendly person who gets really, really cold fast if someone starts pulling bullshit like that.

"You husband should have coolly asked the man why he thought he could act like that. And yes, you should not have laughed."

He apparently knew my husband, and his comments were more like, "Hey, what's a pretty girl like you doing with an ugly SOB like this!" Heh, heh. Coulda been just good-natured ribbing, which is how most there took it, but it was also a bit flirtatious. I think that's one reason why the lady thought I shouldn't have laughed, because it's like I was encouraging his attentions.

Of course, she didn't know what a flirt my normally husband was (he was not offended). Still, she was right.

A lot of times, comments like that are just ribbing between men - and yes, there may be some flirting going on as well. But there are some men who get off on trying to humiliate guys in front of their wives/girlfriends. The distinction can be hard to spot unless you know the person and see a pattern. There was a guy that I knew through friends who used to pull this kind of thing with couples at parties and it eventually resulted in him getting beat to a pulp so badly that he's partially paralyzed. But frankly he deserved it, though not the paralysis. He'd go too far. I think that he had some fantasy that he was going to steal guy's girlfriends away from them. It was an ego trip. Also he'd always pull this with smaller guys. The one who finally took him down was a wiry hispanic dude, who we later found out had earned his citizenship because he'd enlisted in the military and joined the Rangers - not someone you want to play with.

Yeah, it's definately one area where men and women are different. Guys good-naturedly tease watch other like that. Yet, I can't imagine if a girlfriend of mine walked up and said to my husband, "You're a good looking guy. What are you doing with a dog like her?"

And if he laughed, heaven help him. :)

"You husband should have coolly asked the man why he thought he could act like that. And yes, you should not have laughed."

He apparently knew my husband, and his comments were more like, "Hey, what's a pretty girl like you doing with an ugly SOB like this!" Heh, heh.

Similarly: I met a colleague of my husband's a while back. When I was introduce as my husband's wife, this guy said, jokingly, "I'm sorry." I said, "On the contrary, you know what I say when people ask me how my husband is?" "No, what?" "'He's perfect.' And I mean it."

He looked at my husband in amazement and said, "You're a lucky man." The husband, bless him, said, "You have no idea."

And now you know why we're still happily married 16 years in.

"Years ago, I was at a cocktail party, and some guy came over, introduced himself, then proceeded to make some snide, rather insulting comments about my husband, making him the butt of jokes amoung the group standing there. And I laughed, as others did, mainly out of politeness, rather than leave his 'jokes' hanging there awkwardly."

This is exactly why my ex and I broke up—after I made sure his choir buddies were invited to our Christmas party. I found out later (because he was stupid enough to tell me) that while I was in the living room entertaining the other guests, my ex, was standing in the kitchen with the choir guy and his partner as they trashed me and told him how awful it was that he was "stuck" with me. If politeness was called for—it would have been the polite way I got their keys for them and pointed them in the direction of their car.

Another helpful hint for a lasting relationship: do not talk to each other from different rooms. It only leads to misunderstandings. In these cases, having hot make-up sex helps tremendously.

According to the article, if someone is snapped at, there are two ways they can react:

- They can raise the stakes. "Sure, I didn't get any pepper - your handwriting is so awful no one could ever read it".

- They can play it down. (Oops, she must have had a bad day) "Sorry, if we really need it, I'll go back and get some."

You say "they can play it down" but you mean "he can play it down"

A guy who reacts the second way is rewarding her for "having a bad day" and will eventually lose the respect of his wife/girlfriend.

Been there done that.

No reason not to use the "pick-up artist" methods in the context of the family grocery shopping: amused mastery, cocky/funny, maintaining dominant frame etc.