I love him and don't want to devastate him by ending our engagement

That ain't love, sweetheart. You don't actually ask a question, but you know what the answer is. You admit you get lonely and need the feeling of having someone, but having this someone isn't making you less lonely. You're staring down the barrel of forever with a man who, at the very best, doesn't care a whole lot about you. What do you think you'll get out of marrying this guy? Will the ring on his finger suddenly turn him into a decent human being, or do you just think this is the best you'll get?

Disturbingly, you say you spend most of your time waiting on those few precious moments where he's both conscious and horny (so as to make yourself convenient), but nothing about why you love him or are with him in the first place. Why don't you think you deserve more?

Something to look forward to after the wedding, a big bucket for number 2.
Sieze the day type person?? lol Idon't think that term means what she thinks it means.

Actually I'm torn as to weather he is trying to scare her away with this behavior or just trying to figure out howmuch she will take and still come crawling back.

LW should buy a book about toilet training and leave it on the coffee table.

Seriously, I agree with Joe - I think fiance is passive aggressively trying to end the relationship.

You see television shows every now and then where there's a guy who has bad bed sores and his wife is wiping his ass and there are feces around the house. You see this show and you wonder "what the hell was it like before they were married?"

This. LW, run, as fast as you can...

Amy, you are a constant beacon of light and explanation in the world that I see.

I think fiance is passive aggressively trying to end the relationship.

Um...what relationship would that be? There's no relationship here, except perhaps in her imagination.

He has already left the relationship, and replaced it with a bottle. The only thing left is for her is the formality of moving out.

If she does decide to proceed with the wedding, where does she register for his and her bedpans?

I know Miss Alkon goes to considerable trouble to authenticate the requests for advice she gets, and I'm sure she did the same for this one, but this one is almost unreal! LW, this isn't a fiancé, this is a slob. Let's just count the ways:

- He ignores you when you're at his place, preferring Halo and PBR.

- He's cheated on you (yes, there are alternative explanations for the missing condom, but none of them make sense).

- He urinates in bottles and leaves them around the house.

These are the marks of a good man? Are these characteristic of any kind of man? Are you kidding me? Don't go mewling about how I don't know him like you do. You've already said he's not good for you. And don't get all worked up about how devastated he'll be if you leave. I bet he'll survive, and he may be too into his video games to notice. Leave now. Like everyone else here has said so far, your life won't get any better until you seize the day, seize whatever you left at his place, and leave without looking back.

The only time I ever pissed in a bottle and set it anywhere was when I was on guard duty in Iraq and could not leave my post even for a trip to the latrine. This guy is doing this in his home? WTF???

Look, most men are not neat freaks...but this guy is taking the term "lived in" to depths that are just a wee bit above things that walk on four legs.

As far as the drinking goes, well hell if you're just sitting there while he's chugging...what can one possibly have in common with such a person unless one is participating?

And if the answer is nothing, as I expect, then what pleasure is there in the chugger's company?

And if he's chugging like this often, he has a more serious problem that will not end soon.

And when a condom is missing, its been used for something, maybe it was given to a friend, but its doubtful.

And the video games, immature at best, I play video games, I grew up with them, most young men today do the same, its primarily a guy thing, but devoting one's self to them to the exclusion of company, especially that of a loved one, is childish at best. At worst...we're talking total emotional disconnection in favor of a video game based reward. And it sounds like the LW doesn't enjoy video games...so its not like it is a hobby they can share.

Bottom line, there isn't a relationship here. I doubt there ever really was except in the LW's eager hope for romance and love and a wonderful happily ever after. But it isn't going to come from this guy. Not at this stage of his life anyway. He has to grow up first.

If he is cheating, who in the hell did he find that was more pathetically insecure than LW to do it with?! I mean come ON! HE PEES IN BOTTLES IN HIS HOME! Yeah... I bet the chickies are lining up to hit that.

Run LW. Run faster than the fuckin' wind he's breaking. Don't even take your stuff (because it's likely contaminated by that nasty fuck)... just get out.

I'm with you all on this one. Run, LW, run far and run fast. This is NOT someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Seriously.

He's also developed the nasty habit of peeing into two-liter bottles and leaving them around until they're full.

Wow. I didn't treat my ex all that well, but this guy takes the cake. Ok, I'm a drunk and she had to put up with me taking wrong turns after a night out and peeing on the front door, but at least I treated her with respect, cooked dinner, held her - even if I was playing games or watching football (one arm round gf, one hand on beer - but still). She wasn't happy a lot of the time mind you, but even she agrees I did care for her.

LW - run. Even to me. I wouldn't say that to anyone else. But for once, I'm actually a step up.

Oh. My. GOD!

Words cannot describe!

LW, what part of this situation attracted you most? The lovely smell of eau de toilet in the morning, or having to jump all over the who knows how many pounds of slob, who probably reeks of several years of B.O. If he can't make it to the toilet to pee,and instead decorates with his waste, do you really think he washes? Brushes his teeth?

On the plus side, if you do stay with him, it won't have to be for long. If he can't walk to the bathroom to pee, he doesn't get any excersise, or hygeine, so he'll die really early, most likely from an obesity driven heart attack.

LW, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

NOW!

LW, what the heck are you doing? Get the heck out of this relationship now! After that, go get some therapy to find out why you're attracted to pathetic losers.

Seize the day? What the hell do you mean by that? Seizing the day would mean that you would go find someone else or go and enjoy a hobby of your own. 'Seize the day' is exactly the opposite of 'hang on like grim death to whomever will bear my company.'

Oh, and I'm with Sabrina. The missing condom? Don't worry about that. Who the hell else could this guy attract? Oh wait, I suppose there are hookers. So there is your explanation. He does hookers.

Everyone keeps referring to this guy as pitiful. He is. But there is another party here that is far more pitiful. Sorry.

Amy's response made me choke on my water at least 3 times. Much-needed morning laugh -- and MUCH MUCH MUCH needed no-nonsense advice for the LW.

Not that I'm laughing at the LW's situation. Breaking up with someone you love, whether they deserve it or not, is tough. I thought my ex was gross for leaving liter bottles full of cigarette butts around. Now, I realize it was a red flag that he a) knew something bothered/disgusted me, b) did not care enough to modify his behavior in a very simple way, c) knew I'd stick around regardless, and d) perhaps would have preferred that I leave anyway.

"...but this guy is taking the term "lived in" to depths that are just a wee bit above things that walk on four legs."

Robert, this is an insult to dogs and other four-legged creatures.

Ah, yes, "I love him." I know he's a drunk and a cheat, he ignores me, he doesn't give a crap about me except when he wants to get it wet, he doesn't even bother to talk to me, and he pisses in bottles and leaves them sitting around, but I *loooooove* him!

Translation: I don't have a clue who I am if I'm alone. At least if I have a man, I don't have to do the hard, scary, lonely work of becoming a fully-differentiated adult human being. You're trying to avoid actually getting a life.

Honey, you don't love him, and he doesn't love you. You can't change him. What you see is what you get. And you *don't* love what you've got, you're indulging in magical thinking, that there's some way you can turn this drunken, cheating slob into someone you *do* love, and who loves you in return. Ain't gonna happen.

Look around you. This is it. It's not going to get better. If anything, it's going to get worse; men tend to be on their best behavior when they're trying to win a woman. So ask yourself: If I knew that it would never get any better, would I stay or go? If I won the lottery tomorrow, would I stay or go? If I had a daughter, would I want her to marry a guy like this?

If you decide to stay, may as well quit whining about it. This is what you're signing on for.

OMG!!! Run like the wind!!!!!! And get far, far away from your loser fiance!!

You'll be given whatever you're willing to take. If you take shit, that's what he's going to give you.

When I was 19, my then-boyfriend told me that "Women are like chewing gum. The harder you step on them, the more they stick." Needless to say, he was a pig and a cheater and an all-around bad person. When I grew a brain and dumped him, he begged and groveled for months to get back together. As if, suddenly, he was going to respect me and we were going to live happily ever after. Um, no.

This guy is a disgusting slob who doesn't give a rat's ass about you. Do you honestly think he really intends to marry you? He doesn't. Don't kid yourself.

Have some self respect. Dump him and get a life of your own. Quit being desperate. You don't even live with him- breaking things off won't be that hard. In a few months (maybe just weeks), the cloud will lift and things will be better.

Oh, somehow I doubt he would be too "devastated" by a break-up. He'd most likely resume drinking beer, peeing in bottles (ewwwww!!!!!) and playing his video games.

And now I have the Big Lebowski 'At least I'm housebroken!' scene going through my head. At least the guy didn't pee on her fuckin' rug.

LW: As long as he doesn't poop into old foil-lined bags in the living room, I say you keep him on. And when you get older, taking urine samples to the doctor will be easier.

If she does decide to proceed with the wedding, where does she register for his and her bedpans?

+2 for making me laugh twice this morning!

When I grew a brain and dumped him, he begged and groveled for months to get back together.

My friend was married to a guy for five years who would do this. He'd treat her terribly, she would finally ask for a separation, and he'd run out and buy flowers/cry/be decent to her for a few days until he realized she wasn't going anywhere. Made me scratch my head every time.

On a happy note, their divorce was final last week! The final straw? She found a lump in her breast and, when she told him about it, he responded, "Well, if you have to get it cut off, you better get an implant." She left him the day she found out she didn't have cancer, figuring there was another cancerous lump that needed to be removed from her life.

A cat would treat her better.

I wonder if this guy has some sort of "How to lose a girl in 10 days" bet going with his buddies.

Here's a novel idea LW. On a piece of paper, create two columns. In one, list all the consistent character traits (not the one time he took you out for a nice dinner) that make you love your finance. In the other, list the less attractive character traits.

Now look closely. One side of your list is empty. See the light go on? Run like hell.

HAHAHAAHHHHHAAAA AAAAH haaahahah.

Ahh. aaah.Heheh.

Sorry, that whole "find their feet under the blankets thing" is killing me. By her standards, a corpse would work too!

Your fiance is acting like you don't exist in his life -- except on nights when he manages to stay conscious long enough to put down one joystick and order you to hop on the other.

Classic! I love it! :-)

"My boyfriend doesn't know how to use the toilet, so he's leaving bottles of urine all over the house."

And you aren't sure what to do??

Really???

This response has one of the highest ratios of laugh out loud Amyisms-to-text in a long time. "Grand Theft Your Dignity." Awesome. Very funny.

Come on, this letter has fake written all over it. NObody is that neurotic or stupid.

Oh, please get married. You sound good for letters to Amy for years to come, and I'm morbidly curious to see exactly how bad your life can get if you sit back and allow it.

"'hang on like grim death to whomever will bear my company.'"

HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHHA(breathe)HAHAHAHAAHAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

You are right in that he is absolutely not good for you. I'm going to guess that you're home much of the time when you don't want to be, either policing him to make sure he isn't cheating, or watching him play games in the hopes that he'll stop and throw you some crumbs of attention. It's a dog's life, and you (rightfully) don't want it.

Maybe you're concerned that he's depressed, addicted, or otherwise sick, and you believe that a loving, loyal partner will be there for the long haul, but here's the problem: he doesn't really want the long haul with a living, breathing person, but with someone who will be "on call" while he does what he wants the rest of the time. Despite the occasional sex and possible statements like "I love you" or "It'll get better," he's not showing you that he's willing to dig in and work through controversial or difficult problems. You can, and should, give your loving loyalty to someone who earns it by giving the same in return. Consider, also, that all relationships evolve, and that you can't judge the person he is today based upon the person you met; people tend to relax, "let loose," and reveal their true colours over time.

Dana's advice is excellent. If you walked into the home of your daughter, sister, or best friend, and saw her being ignored and insulted by a sloppy, inattentive man, wouldn't you be furious? Don't wait for him to validate you by suddenly waking up, realising how you're standing by him and appreciating you anew, because it won't happen. The only person who can protect and love you in this situation is you.

I wonder how old this couple is? To me his behavior says immature fratboy rather than drunken loser. I can see them getting together in college back when his behavior was more socially acceptable and she didn't actually have to live with him. I'm also willing to bet that he was/is popular, confident, and good-looking, and that LW is seeing him through the lenses of his previous social status rather than realizing that he's not exactly a catch in the real world. That would also explain how he manages to find other girls to cheat with, and why he feels entitled to treat his gf like crap.

I'd be interested to see if my theory is correct. Now if they actually turn out to be 35 then I will have no words.

Crash said: Come on, this letter has fake written all over it. NObody is that neurotic or stupid.

Crash (or however you work those capitals), I only wish I thought you were right. I used to listen to the war stories of a friend of mine who did family counseling. Over and over, she'd hear "Well, I know he cheats on me, and he hits me, and he can't hold a job, and he drinks up all the money, but I looooooove him!" And they meant exactly what I said to the LW: That they had no idea who they'd be if they didn't have a man around, no idea how to be a fully differentiated adult human being.

The curse of being female is just this: That girls get a subliminal or overt message that if they can just find a man, any man, to attach to, it will serve as a substitute for growing up, getting a life, and making their own decisions. The trap for men, of course, is that if they get involved with a woman like this, any time she doesn't like her life, it's his fault.

Honey, when you leave him, he won't be devastated, he'll be relieved you're not there to nag him about drinking, cheating, and peeing into soda bottles. At least at first, he'll tell himself you were a no-good nagging bitch who wasn't worth his time.

By the time he realizes that he's really lonely without your feet under his blankets, you'll be happily on your way to a more equitable relationship, or even realizing you're having a lot more fun organizing your own days than waiting for him to want to use you.

Cheers..

I've known intelligent, educated, successful women who put up with men like this--although, as far as I know, the men used the potty. In many ways, LW's fiance sounds like someone I used to see.

Some women say they realize one day the guy is never going to change, some wake up and wonder why they're putting up so much; I decided I'd rather be alone with my dignity.

LW: He's also developed the nasty habit of peeing into two-liter bottles and leaving them around until they're full.

EWWWWWW! Amy, write her back and tell her I said, "If you marry this guy, urine big trouble! This guy seriously needs to watch his pees and Qs. If someone did that in my house, I'd be totally pissed!"

Robert: Look, most men are not neat freaks...but this guy is taking the term "lived in" to depths that are just a wee bit above things that walk on four legs.

You just had to say that, didn't you? Making puns about someone's disgusting bodily functions? That's so low class! Gross! You'd never catch me in a million years making puns about bodily functions. I have waaaay more class than that!

There are worse things than being alone. Being with this guy is a good example... LW needs to get out of that so-called "relationship" NOW and never look back.

When I'm at his place,

So you're not even living with him, and you don't even have to go through the trouble of dividing up your stuff if you break up.

I too agree that I doubt he'll be devastated if you leave him. He barely even notices you when you're there, what makes you think he'll notice that you're gone?

Your finace? Really? This is what you see yourself married to? The reasons for his change mean nothing, can you live with as he is TODAY? A drunken, cheater who loves his video games more than other people, who pees in 2 liter bottles and leaves then around as trophies? You cannot change him, the only person you can change and improve is yourself.

Do your friends know this man? Have you noticed they do not want to do things with the 2 of you? There is a reason - HE IS A LOSER!

Start taking whatever you have lying around his house to your place TODAY, he won't notice unless you supply his beer. Once that is done, give yourself a 2 week break, do not text him, do not call him, do not go to his place. Discover your other friends again. My guess he will not notice because all he notices are his games and what he is eating and drinking.

Get yourself some help to find out WHY you allow yourself to be treated this way. People will only respect you as much as you respect yourself. This guy expects you to sit around in a place he leaves his pee sitting around aging. Yup he is entertaining you in a sewer. AND YOU ARE PUTTING UP WITH IT.

Remember the old joke where the little boy shows a little girl his penis and laughs because she does not have one. The next day he starts in again and she lifts her skirt and says I HAVE ONE OF THESE and my Mommy said with one of these I can have as many of those I want! Trust me you will find other feet under the blankets. Get some help to make sure the owner of those feet respect you.

Oh, for fuck's sake. My dog (who died this week, sadly) was able to cart her little doggy ass to the bathroom to use the pee pad. My cats know their business happens in the litter box. When this guy is at least as socially astute as my pets, he might be marriage material.

He's playing on your desire to be a "good woman," LW. When people are busted doing something they shouldn't be, it's not uncommon to play on the other person's insecurities by saying things like, "get over it." Thus, he turns it into your problem instead of his and makes you feel like you are creating a situation out of nothing. Classic manipulation.

I married my ex-husband in part because I didn't want to devastate him with a breakup. He cried and everything. It was very sad. Then he spent four years cheating on me and treating me badly.

Screw his feelings. He doesn't care about yours, and he will get over it. He will blame you for being a bitch, but he will get over it. And you will find someone else, even if you feel like that's unlikely now.

As for the feet under the blankets thing: What happens when he's spending nights at a "friend"'s house?

Depending upon his age, he might be in the early stages of a developing mental illness.

Some psychoses don't manifest until at least the twenties.

The excessive alcohol consumption, if relatively new, could be a form of self-medication.

I'm skipping all the comments and going right for the jugular.. LW: please please please, take a cold hard look at what you've said to Amy. Take a step back... a BIG step back. Think 20 years into the future. Do you see jugs of urine in YOUR dining room? ...how about in your living room? The ONLY place to pee is in the toilet! This alone is reason enough to question your relationship with "fiance". However, unfortunately, there are other reasons. He is not placing you first. This alone is enough to break up with him. Think 20 years into the future. Think about what it would be like with a house, a mortgage, 2 kids, and a car loan... and him, playing video games and drinking to excess. Who is it paying the bills? Most likely YOU. Not that that's not a-ok, but it should be a dual effort. Do you see it being a dual effort? Quite honestly, i don't. You are writing to an advice columnist NOW, does that not ring some loud bells for you??

Everything Amy says is true; listen to her... she is the voice of reason when it comes to relationships. You have to listen to your gut and immeidately do what you feel is the right thing to do. Don't stay with this guy out of pity or out of a feeling of "doing the right thing" or because you are engaged to him. Being engaged to him is not a ball and chain... it is still a getting to know you kind of deal, just on a more serious level. You 2 are not right for each other; otherwise, you would not be writing to Amy for advice.

Leave now, and you will thank your lucky stars.

The post script is that you need to think outside the box. Maybe he is the type of person who cannot speak up and is feeling stuck. Hate to say it, but he is not speaking up, and is doing all this passive-aggressive stuff to you to get you to leave. Think!!! Think!!! Why would anyone do this to anyone else? He is trying to get you to rebel, trying to get you to make the first move.

So, make the first move. Get out ....... NOW.

Post Script to LW: Take a close look at your own motives for staying in such a relationship. Take a close look at your self-esteem. Maybe pay a visit to a therapist to find out why you are subjecting yourself to a pee-bottle-boozing-gaming-using kind of guy. Then read, read, read lots and lots of self-help books to see where you are coming from in your family of origin. If you cannot afford to buy at bookstores, visit the library, ask the resource person. Maybe start with Bradshaw.

Then take a 6 month break from guys. Do not date, do not flirt, do not phone or chat. Do this for yourself. You'll come out the other end of the 6 months knowing yourself way better and loving yourself a lot more. Good luck!

Okay, I agree with all of the above.

But, c'mon, Amy, doesn't this lady at the very least deserve to be told she is being ABUSED, and has probably been abused all her life without being able to identify it?

Seriously, so many women ( and, yes, men) have known nothing but abuse and very literally need to have it pointed out, labeled and defined for them. Yes, you have to spell it out: A-B-U-S-E.

Amy, you claim to have legitimate experience and extensive study that qualifies you to give advice. All of that should have informed you of this basic fact. And that most victims are afraid of leaving their abusers, for many and varied reasons.

Sarcasm and witty, scathing remarks attract readers. But it is just more abuse of your letter writers.

But, c'mon, Amy, doesn't this lady at the very least deserve to be told she is being ABUSED,

Read the column. Perhaps you only looked at the punctuation. I lay things out in an exaggerated way, as a form of what's called "motivational interviewing" -- showing people how absurd their behavior is in a way that helps them see that it conflicts with their values.

When's the last time you told somebody "You're abused," and their response was, "Oh, okay, I'll change my life pronto!"

Simply telling somebody they're abused is useless, so that's not all I did -- I told her how to behave to be a person who is treated with respect. And FYI, I have extensive email exchanges with people who write to me, but the space I have in papers is not Tolstoyesque, nor do I wish to bore people.

most victims are afraid of leaving their abusers, for many and varied reasons.

Per my friend Sergeant Heather who has worked domestic violence, you don't tell people to leave an abusive relationship (they simply get defensive and hold their ground). You instead get them in a focus group so they can hear other people telling horror stories, and then they can admit, in hearing them, that their situation was awful.

Per addiction treatment specialist Stanton Peele on why metaphor and humor in my column (highlighting the discrepancy between people's goals and behavior) works so much better than simply telling people what to do: “People change their behavior when they sort it out in their own mind that what they’re doing violates what they care most about and what they want most for themselves.”

If you're going to lecture me, best to be coming from an informed position about why my advice is supposedly substandard.

Sarcasm and witty, scathing remarks attract readers. But it is just more abuse of your letter writers.

Speaking for this reader, sensible advice and rational thinking attracted me to this column in the first place (and clearly separated this Amy from Ask Amy). The stuff you mention is just what keeps me around. Sarcasm with no substance just comes off as smarmy, which tends to wither and die around here. And scathing for the sake of scathing doesn't help. Why don't you ask Amy how many of her LWs she's heard back from? Or about the LWs that don't make it to the column but get advice anyway?

As far as the abuse of letter writers, could you provide us with evidence that coddling of LWs helps them more than pointing out stark reality? Or that just spelling out A-B-U-S-E is helpful, as if they've never heard it before? Like you'll tell her "You're being abused" and she'll say "Oh goodness me, you're right. I hadn't noticed. Thank you ever so much for speaking so succinctly" and the music will swell while you look down on her kindly, and then the film cuts to a month later when she comes back to show you how happy she is since you said what no one else dared. And she'll literally run into a nice guy with glasses and an Irish setter on her way out.

People who continue to take abuse have marvelous powers of rationalization and can explain away just about anything, so simply telling them they're abused won't make a dent. They also get desensitized to their own situations, which is why they have to be shown, not just told, that they're neck-deep in shit. See the post directly above for evidence.

This LW knows her relationship is horrible, she's just too afraid to be alone and too low on self-esteem to believe she can do better than Baron Xbox von Urinehoarder. Any psychologist worth her salt would be doing a great disservice to a patient by just telling her she was being abused and she needed to leave, so shouldn't this earlier line of defense be held to the same standard? If you want to read "You're abused, get out, get therapy," go read Dear Abby.

Thank you, NumberSix. And great line about the nice guy with glasses and an Irish setter.

She sounds like she is an old Sam Kinison routine on how to get rid of a girlfriend.

Nope, sorry. Having been a victim of domestic violence myself, having read bookcases full of literature on the subject for many years, having attended much group and individual counseling at abused women's shelters and other clinics (is that informed enough for you?), I still say that, yes, indeedy, frankly, bluntly saying "That's abuse," is necessary--and works.

The plain fact is that people tolerate all kinds of bad behavior because they don't know just how serious it is to an objective outsider . LW just says, "He's treating me badly," which is putting it pretty darned mildly. When you give something it's proper name, it does indeed take on new meaning and significance.

How do I know that? Because it worked for me. Because I thought the definition of abuse was someone punching you in the face, not "milder" forms of physicality, or simply speaking and behaving as if you are worthless. Because when a counselor and a friend individually told me, "You are being abused," it was news to me. All I knew was that I was dying inside.

And that's way more than I ever intended to say here. But you got my hackles up.

And, guess what, Amy, the last time (not the first) I flat out told someone, "You're being abused," was several months ago, and it was a revelation to her. She got help immediately, and is now nearing finalizing her divorce. Truthfully.

Tell her, as was commented above, "You're being abused" and she'll say "Oh goodness me, you're right. I hadn't noticed. Thank you ever so much for speaking so succinctly."

Yep. It's happened in my personal experience more than once. Eyes wide open at last, thanks to one succinct and powerful word.

Now, you guys are the ones who ran away with "just tell her to leave." I certainly do know that "telling" doesn't work, and I didn't say that. I stated that victims are afraid to leave. I never, ever said tell her what to do. I said tell her what's being done TO her, in no uncertain terms: "Pointing out stark reality."

"You'd know that if you weren't so pathetically insecure" is just a cruel insult, and one the LW had said her boyfriend effectively used to dismiss her. That kind of mocking is just kicking you when you're down, nothing motivational about it whatsoever.

Anywho, I guess LW knew what she was getting into when she wrote to you. I have been reading your column (and Dear Abby's) for quite a while now, and can appreciate your sarcasm toward some folks who seem just plain foolish in ridiculous situations.

But not this time. (oh, and BTW, lifting someone up instead of putting them down is not "coddling.") This woman must have put up with a heck of a lot worse over her lifetime to even tolerate for a moment what this louse is doing to her. Her worst complaint is that she is lonely? Very telling of what she's been used to dealing with in the past.

Like I said, there was a lot I agreed with in your response. But the bottom line is that you went too far, and not far enough at the same time. And an ounce of compassion toward an abuse victim is worth a lifetime of snarky columns.

Ah, well, everyone's an expert. But I've been there, done that, in person, not online, for decades now.

Carry on.

Well, C'monAmy, I've been in that situation before, too, and "You're being abused" was met with a list of rationalizations taller than me, including "He's never hit me there, so it didn't hurt the baby." No matter how much we told her she was being abused, she didn't believe it until his behavior was shown to her, over and over and in minute detail, and she couldn't deny it anymore. I've met and been taught by many practicing psychologists who have treated friends and family of abuse victims, and this tends to be the reality.

I'm happy that the people you had experiences with were able to turn their lives around at the magic word, but digging a bit deeper than your own personal experience will show that isn't the norm for people who are truly being abused and/or are in situations like this LW's.

NumberSix:

Of course the word "abuse" can provoke defensiveness, denial and rationalizations--as can any other approach--because that is usually the first (and often only) reaction, no matter what the tactic. In "real life" it requires delicacy, tact and timing, which is deliberately non-existent in the Alkon column admittedly for entertainment purposes--in which case, why object to calling a spade a spade? I stand behind my conviction that it is necessary to declare, most especially when someone is actually asking for help (which is pretty much the only time I say anything at all), because ultimately "abuse" is the one and only word that puts the blame exactly in the one and only place it belongs: On the bully.

People are individuals, and naturally may need varied approaches; some you dare not approach or ever mention anything at all. "The norm" is that most women never leave their abusers, regardless, so no single approach is 100% successful to the exclusion of all others. Talk about just reading the punctuation.

As noted, I have done and continue to dig far, far deeper than my own personal experiences--just as you, Alkon, and others say you have-- to ensure my family's and my own survival. Already read & heard the valid arguments about using the word "abuse", pro and con, from pros and amateurs. Already seen & heard actual results, pro and con--and there are both-- from pros and amateurs. Though it is her standard defense, disagreeing with Alkon is not synonymous with being ignorant or uninformed.

So, go for it. Use all the tactics you need, like showing the abuse in detail (even metaphorically), or using a focus group, etc. -- EXCEPT for insulting and degrading the "pathetically insecure" victim. That is neither "metaphorical" nor "humorous" as Alkon claims; it's just more name-calling bullying, thank you very much. No excuse. Not even if entertainment value drops and the poor, poor readers get bored. So sorry.

There is only one person to blame for abuse, and that person deserves a big, fat, CLEAR label (not metaphorical, and preferably tattooed on his forehead) in addition to a few other things.

And that's alllll she wrote.

So long, and good luck.

I have to wonder what sort of relationships LW had around her as models when she grew up. Can't have been much in the way of an example..

LW, I have two cats. They do their business in a litterbox, they entertain me with their playfulness, and they give me a hundred times more affection than you are receiving from your human fiance. What does that tell you?

I'd like to have a partner, but if he compares poorly to my cats in terms of housebrokenness, respect and affection, I'd rather be a crazy cat lady.