I agree with Amy. Decide how you will respond and consistently do so.

It could be anything from "back off, you nosey little fucker" to "none of your business" to "thanks for asking, but that is a private matter."

The classic non-response when they ask WHY is "We wanted different things." It says everything yet nothing at all.

I think it's always preferable to take the high road in situations where people act like boors. It takes away the fun of gossiping about you later.

The suggestion from LauraGr is nicely vague. I like it.

Plus, it gives the impression that your ex's behavior isn't all THAT disturbing - which is a satisfying message to convey. Because face it, who among us wants it to get back to our ex that we really are hurt? We all have a bit of pride.

Amy's Seven Stages of Grief - the break-up edition - is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Seriously.

I THINK YOU SHOULD WRITE A BOOK ABOUT DEALING WITH BREAK-UPS.

When my fiance and I separated, the real reason was that he was a cheating, abusive bastard. But that's not the kind of thing you tell acquaintances. So I went with "he has some things he needs to work out."

The art of the non-response is subtler than most people think.

Keeping this in mind, for amateurs (this means YOU, LW) I recommend saying nothing at all. Literally give them silence. This will take self discipline. Probably LOTS of self discipline. Welcome to personal growth.

Once you master this you can branch out into "humor, vagueness, etc..."

When you answer someone with an evasion you are actually BENDING TO THEIR WILL....they are forcing you to make words. In addition, you will be suprised by how often they can extract some info from your non-answer, due to the tenor of your delivery.

By answering with silence you are both avoiding a potential info leak on your part and also adopting the strongest possible frame, which is what you really need to prevent people from seeing you as "conversational prey."

Amy I love your seven steps! I can just see calling one of these nosey jerks at 3 am and saying, "But you said you wanted all the details so you could BE THERE for me...Well, here I am and I am ready to share right NOW!" Ha!

Just say, "I'd tell you how I was getting along, but that would make you an accessory."

Vagueness is your best defense. Even if you want to shriek, burst into tears, and hit them over the head, I recommend just blinking a few times, like you're really surprised that anyone would ask that, then offer a non-response like "Fine - we'd grown apart" or something similarly vague.

When I was dumped - a surprise to me, since our relationship was apparently going fine and we had no major issues - I just told everyone that he was moving back to his hometown and I didn't want to leave the area. Which, I don't know, I guess could be true at some point?

Heh. I've actually done #7, but with caller ID so prevelant, can't do that anymore!

I used to be the one who would tell ANYbody who asked why we broke up, especially if I was the wronged party, but stony silence and icy stare work best when it's something that just is NOT up for discussion!

OH GOD that's just the worst. After my last breakup, the people who I wanted to know WHY knew why because I was calling THEM.

What amazed me was the stupid things well-meaning people said that ruined my day.

But a few months after, my amazing uncle approached me and said, "Look. I heard about your break up, and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, because these things are hard. But I want you to know, for what it's worth, you are a wonderful young lady, and you will have an amazing life ahead of you no matter what."

It was the perfect thing to say -- no prying, just support. Why is that so hard for so many people?

I ended up writing her a note -- a very truthful one, because she is an extraordinary person in terms of her big-heartedness -- telling her that I was sorry, but that I love her and value her friendship and my life is better because of it, and that I'm sure his life was happier for having her in it.

And it probably meant so much to her. I think people trip up and say insensitive things because they don't realize that "I'm so sorry and I care about you a lot," is all the person wants or needs to hear. Someone mourning a death (of a person or a relationship) is sick of reliving the tragedy for everyone who asks, and knowing that you just wanted to say how much you care (without getting any "juicy" gossip in return) probably meant the world.

"I prefer not to talk about it, but thank you for your concern."

People who say, "None of your business!" always struck me as odd.

I was talking to a person who mentioned some difficulties with his wife. I was unclear on a particular detail he mentioned, so I asked him about it, and he said, "None of your goddamn business!"

So, I paused a second, then said, "If it was none of my goddamn business, why did you bring it up?" Then I walked away.

"None of your business!" makes no sense. If people ask, "How are you?" Do you reply, "None of your business!"?

If not, why not? How you are is none of their business. So, why not tell them that? If you're going to be the zealous guardian of your business from all outsiders, then be consistent. Anybody who asks "How are you?" you tell them "None of your [insert expletive of your choice here] business!"

After my divorce, my wonderful cousin wrote me a heartfelt note of support. I kept it in my bag for over a year, for when I needed a reminder that I had some truly awesome people in my life.

As you might have guessed, I prefer the direct approach. If you don't feel comfortable talking to them about it, then say you'd rather not talk about it. If they press, then feel free to raise it a decibel or two.

However, as Miss Manners teaches us, you do not have permission to point out rudeness in others. That would also be rude.

Which rules out the original Dear Abby's suggestion: "What a rude question! If you forgive me for not answering, I'll forgive you for asking."

Silence is also a no-no and that is not how the art of silence is applied. You don't ignore a direct question. That's also rude. And they would walk away with the (correct) impression that you're a rude, infantile jerk.

Vagueness is a better idea, but I feel like that response invites questions on more detail.

I maintain that the best way is to shut them down politely but directly.

However, as Miss Manners teaches us, you do not have permission to point out rudeness in others. That would also be rude.

Totally. I love Miss Manners. Her stuff is like manners jiu jitsu -- or maybe manners aikido! Leaves rude people thinking, "Hmmm...I feel like I just got shut down...but I don't know how it happened and it was very...gentle, almost."

One thing I've found is once you have a reputation of not being a gossip, then most aquaintances stop asking.

I recommend just blinking a few times, like you're really surprised that anyone would ask that

I definitely recommend this for people who pry after being given a vague answer already. I second Patrick and sofar's advice to proceed a la Miss Manners: politely shocked look followed by a statement that says "I'm pleased you're so invested in my personal life, but I'm afraid I have no more details for you."

The key to getting people to stop bothering you about it is to make sure your tone does not imply you're being cagey or hiding something. Or that you're too okay with the breakup, which will make them think you have Secret Pain and are on the road to a Debilitating Drug Problem. Basically, people who pry want you to act like you're in a soap, so don't accommodate them.

If you can do it Silence is your best response. You do not have to answer nor do you owe anyone a peek at any emotional distress you have.

If you cannot handle at least 60 seconds (minimum) of silence, then try the, I am doing fine and then silence. Change the subject and move on.

Let the vultures flutter and stammer.

I think silence is rude. It's impolite and makes you seem weird not to answer a direct question (the gossip will then be that you're so distressed you're acting crazy. "I asked her and she just stared into space and blinked, like she's losing it!").

Numbersix has the perfect answer. The trick is to stress the "I'm pleased you're so invested in my personal life" (or so concerned). This indicates that you find their interest odd, given that he/she isn't a very close friend. That should get the message across.

With closer friends, I'd often admit, "It's been tough, but I just can't talk about it right now."

I mean, I don't necessarily take the question as negative or purely gossipy. Often, people are truly trying to open up dialogue with you in order to help.

Also some people are actually eager to talk and no one asks them...they tiptoe around it. One of my dearest friendships was born after an aquaintance was dumped weeks before her wedding. I didn't know her well but just felt so bad that I called and said, "If you need to talk, I'm here," and she just unloaded. She had no one to talk to about it because most of her friends were "their" friends, and didn't want to get involved.

Silence is inferior to a perfectly acted, perfectly witty put down. Sure.

Silence is SUPERIOR to a mediocre evasion that is imperfectly delivered...which is where both the LW and many (most?) people on this forum are coming from.

The rudeness or lack thereof of silence are irrelevant...this is about power, self control and conversational competence.

Me, I don't feel silence is rude...I don't owe anybody a response, regardless of the noises coming from their mouth. But I could see how people have less functio...err different...values.

For those who feel obliged to answer a direct question, regardless, here are some examples FROM REAL LIFE:

Passing Stranger: How come you're wearing a skirt?
Me: Why are you wearing pants?/Today's not my scheduled naked day/other response
PS: Huh...weird.

compare with

PS: How come you're wearing a skirt?
Me: .....
PS: I like your kilt it looks great!
Me: Thank you!

I have TONS of practice...and frankly clever responses just don't work that great I find. Silence always works better. YMMV.

Sure the evasion denied them an answer but it didn't change the tenor of the discourse. Silence though...silence gets me a frigging apology! From a stranger!

@TheRealPeter if you're wearing a kilt, I can't imagine the idiocy you have to deal with. I saw a guy in a kilt at an outdoor festival recently and no fewer than three women basically sexually harassed him in the half hour I was standing near him.

As for silence being rude/not rude, I think the difference is whether the person is a stranger. If a stranger comes up to you and says something stupid, I think silence is totally fine, along with a confused look/stinkeye, if necessary.

But if an acquaintance/coworker/someone you're socially connected to asks a direct question, some verbal response is necessary. Unless they ignore your deflections and keep asking the same damn question again and again and again. Then they deserve the silent treatment -- this helps me survive family reunions.

Well, I wonder if the silent treatment works better for men than women. Perhaps guys come off as strong and intimidating by not answering, but women tend to view it as rude. At least that's how I imagine it playing among a group of women.

@sofar

Oh yeah when u wear a kilt in public u get CRAZY harassed. I mean just unbelievable. It is great social skills training though.

With people you know that are engaged in chronic misbehavior I prefer a different method.

Joe: blah blah bad behavior blah blah
Me: Joe I need to talk to you. In private. Follow me.
Joe: What's going on?
Me: Do me a favor. Never do XXX again.
Joe: blah blah irrelevant explanation blah blah
Me: I don't care. Just never do XXX again.
Joe: blah blah so sorry I'll stop blah blah

The key to making this work is you MUST get them to follow you somewhere semi-private. This tells them you are serious. I have been told the moment I ask someone this they can feel their stomach sinking into their feet and they know they are in trouble.

The second thing is you CANNOT offer an explanation as to why you wan't them stop. They will ARGUE. Plus, explanations make you look weak. Just say "do me a favor. stop XXX" This gives them nothing to argue against.

This has NEVER not worked for me.

No witticisms. Just terse directness reinforced with crazy strong body language that screams "im serious. don't mess with me." Frankly, the non-verbal elements are vastly more important than what you say.

@TheRealPeter

I think of kilts as the male equivalent of a woman wearing a push up bra and showing massive amounts of cleavage--meaning, if I go out in public flaunting my DDs (cleavage, tight shirt, etc), I'm inviting attention, whether that be looks, lecherous stares or comments.

I've always assumed that men in kilts have made the same sort of decision because of the classic "what does he have underneath that kilt" question.

In other words, you're dressed for it ;p

LOVE the seven steps!!

The Scots have a joke about this:
"Is anything worn under the kilt?"
"Certainly not, everything is in perfect working order."

"I second Patrick and sofar's advice to proceed a la Miss Manners: politely shocked look followed by a statement that says "I'm pleased you're so invested in my personal life, but I'm afraid I have no more details for you."

"How kind of you to take an interest" then rapidly change the subject.