"Still, I'm 24, he's my first boyfriend, and we've been together for four years, so I'm reluctant to end it. "

Sunk cost. You can't get those years back no matter what you do. And anyway, LW, by your own account your BF has been cheating on you for at least one of those years. The sad truth is, long-distance relationships rarely survive. Let it go.

LW,

You're 24.

You should have had several boyfriends by now.

This is *way* too early in your life to decide that you *must* have this particular person.

As odd as it may seem to you, he's got the right idea.

Spend your early years getting the need for various personal and impersonal sex out of your system.

Play the field. Get a feel for what's out there for you.

How the hell are you going to know what you really want, if you're not willing to make the effort to do the discovery?

And ...

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who chose you only because you were the 'first', instead of because they really believed you were 'it'?

"an Eiffel Tower-sized flagpole."

Love that one. In my experience, human are really good at not seeing flagpole when they don't want. At least LW is aware now. The way she'll conduct her life will depend on her.

The last lady I knew like you had a cheating boyfriend, they split and came back several times, with him having his extra fun all the time. Told her to quit (one hundred time??), it took her another two years of wasted life, before she move on and marry her husband (different guy). A cheating boyfriend will always see you as easy sex for the evening, nothing more. And since you are separated by distance, you don't even get that...

Time to split.

I now feel I have reason to leave him.

DUH.

No ambiguity here, unlike the last one. Last guy had a transition period from one relationship to another.

This guy is simply a man who thinks he is entitled to any offered sex that comes along...if he's not a stalker.

Even IF everything he says is true, and that he only slept with her once, it seems that he's obsessing over her WAY more then he is over you.

If nothing else, THAT should be your warning sign, not that he's dipping his wick (which, come to think of it, is pretty important too...just less important)

He might be your 'One', but you certainly aren't his. Move on.

"You might also take a more realistic approach to human nature. The 20s are our prime rutting time."

These first boyfriend/girlfriend, late teens/early 20's relationships often fail for just this reason even when the two people are in love and try to make it work.

Add to that the fact that this guy is cheating and the long-distance element, and this relationship has three strikes against it, it's out.

In retrospect, my first boyfriend might have been my most compatible match to date, but the timing was all wrong.

I think it's very interesting that all of her reasons for staying together have nothing to do with him at all.

Spend your early years getting the need for various personal and impersonal sex out of your system.

Then you can spend your thirties dating single dads in their forties while your thirty-something male friends have sex with another version of you 7 years young. Great idea.

There's nothing wrong with a young woman having a proper relationship. She chose the wrong guy, but that doesn't mean that the desire to be in a relationship is wrong. We've run the course with advice like yours and it hasn't worked out well for anyone.

You also need to understand that boyfriends who are liars and cheaters go for girlfriends who put up with lying and cheating.

End of story. Every woman in the world should only need to hear this once.

I second what Margo said. I started dating my first boyfriend when I was 16, I'd never even kissed anyone else. Eight years later we're still together, and it's not sunshine and rainbows all the time but I'm still very happy. I've SEEN what dating can be like, my mom's been married three times, and twice been left in some spectacular ways (my dad went to prison for 22 years when I was 6 months old, my step dad left his 6 kids living in a camper two weeks after our house burnt down and never looked back) not to mention the people she's just dated.

That said, obviously this girl is with a total louse. I get that leaving him has to be hard, I've never dated and I'd be pretty scared just for lack of "experience" when most people my age started in high school. But 24 is still really young, and it's better to "lose" 4 years than to walk out after 15 (with what, kids, marriage, a house together?) while he's on girlfriend #27.

You also need to understand that boyfriends who are liars and cheaters go for girlfriends who put up with lying and cheating.

Yep. Sometimes a big dick is just that.

Okay, somebody needs to help me understand the guy in this situation. If he is just running around why not just cut the LW loose? It's not like they are living in the same town. This should be an easy breakup bc they aren't even together. Why does he continue to string her along? I hate that shit. You aren't married, so say your good byes and be done.

LW, you are not legeally obligated to marry the first guy you had sex with. It's okay to move on. I think a lot of girls tell themselves that have to be in love bc they slept with a guy. Well, in this case, he was more of toad than a prince and it's okay to move on and try again. It's doesn't make you a slut. If this is your issue, just make sure you know the next guy better before you commit yourself in such an intimate way. The truth is, people rarely find their "one true love" the first time out of the gate. You gotta kiss a few frogs first.

This is the perfect example of believing in actions, not words. LW has been believing the sweet lies and ignoring the actions that don't support them.

I've been in her shoes.

This is one of those painful, yet crucial life lessons we all should learn.

I'm 24, he's my first boyfriend, and we've been together for four years.

What you see as a reason to stay, I (and many others) see as a reason to go. There is no magical value to his being your first boyfriend. There is nothing sacred about it, nor about having stayed with him for four years. All it means is that you have no flippin' clue what anyone else might be like -- not just in bed, but to relate to. What you're taking as a sign of true love appears, instead, to be sheer inertia.

Go get a second boyfriend, and a third, and a fourth. Date a few, or a lot of, guys without getting serious. Have a few well-protected one night stands. Just stop thinking that the magical power of "He was my fiiiirrrst loooove" means a goddamned thing. It doesn't.

There's nothing wrong with a young woman having a proper relationship. She chose the wrong guy, but that doesn't mean that the desire to be in a relationship is wrong. We've run the course with advice like yours and it hasn't worked out well for anyone.

Not for anyone? Really? Because I slept around for years, went through several long-term boyfriends, too. How'd it wind up in my thirties? I married a younger man who adores me and treats me like gold. 16 years later we're still crazy about one another.

And I'm not the only woman I know with this kind of story; I have several good girlfriends who dated around, went through several boyfriends, had some casual sex, and wound up happily married. Not just married, but *happily* married, having chosen a man after learning who they were and what they wanted.

Okay, somebody needs to help me understand the guy in this situation. If he is just running around why not just cut the LW loose?

She's probably his security blanket of unconditional love. No matter what happens with other women, she's always THERE. Also, if he breaks up with her, he's the "bad guy," but if he strings her along while hiding what he's doing, he's just trying to "spare her feelings." It's total crap, but that could be what he's thinking. Or maybe he's just a jerk who wants to have his cake and eat it to.

I was the LW at age 24. I was in a 4+ year long relationship. And, every time I got close to breaking up with my boyfriend, I'd think about our romantic how-we-met story and how he knew me better than anyone else, and blah blah blah.

There is nothing sacred about it, nor about having stayed with him for four years.

This is very very true. And something I eventually learned.

Okay, somebody needs to help me understand the guy in this situation. If he is just running around why not just cut the LW loose?

Some guesses are..

He's a douche bag who recently moved to NYC where he's getting more play than he could ever have imagined, but the girls he's sleeping w/ are NYC super sluts and definitely not girlfriend material. She is, so he's keeping her on the back burner for when he wants the comfort of a real GF.

Male 6's are 8's in NYC. There are significantly more young women than there are straight young men, and the women tend to be kind of slutty to begin with. It's a recipe for problems w/ a normal relationship much less a long distance one.

LW still has a lot of growing to do- as reflected in her reasoning:
1)"He also insists he only slept with her once and didn't tell me because he didn't think I could handle the truth." No, he didn't tell you because he didn't want to get caught.
2)"That's ridiculous because he knows honesty is everything to me." So, him calling you up to confess after she'd left his apartment would've made things better?

Look, this dude was in an "open relationship" with someone... That means he had another girlfriend, doesn't it? So, let's say you two stay together and end up married. You can be paranoid for the rest of you life about whether or not he'll leave you for his next mistress.

Yes, get out there and live a little, do some dating. Do keep in mind what margo and company said, though- If you do want to get married and have a family, don't f*ck around too much. I'll be 31 later this year, and I'm watching my single friends- the "Whoo-hoo"-party girls- realize they aren't getting any younger, and now they're competing for husband material with women your age.

Not for anyone? Really? Because I slept around for years, went through several long-term boyfriends, too.

That's great, congratulations. The use of anyone in that statement is a figure of speech. As in, that advice hasn't worked out for either men or women. The men often end up with women with a lot of baggage and women often end up with guys who they've had to settle for.

I think that you'll agree that most women who've slept around into their thirties don't end up w/ great younger guys that become the love of their life. So my observations are about you.

>> So my observations are about you.

oops. AREN'T about you.

A couple of notes.

First, LW understand the situation better than many commenters. 2010-2020 will be nothing like 90-ies. By the time she gets to sleep around and decides to marry, her "market value" will be very low. Late twenties is the time to marry if she is into that sort of things. So, LW, figure out first if you can and are willing to forgive him. And second, if he has any feelings towards you. First love is a sacred thing no matter what some here say.

Second, men are not "material" of any sort to be molded into husbands, bf, etc. They are human beings. Get a modicum of respect, ladies, it will do you much good.

First boyfriend and four years together? That's all the more reason to leave. You can't make a new first boyfriend, but you can make him less significant in his role by breaking up and moving on. He's a loser. You know that. The longer you stay with him the more significant this loser (and your mistake) becomes. He is not going to turn into a model citizen if you stay with him. Precisely because your decision to stay with him will signal him that it's okay to cheat and lie. Let him go, take some time to recognize your mistakes, the warning sighs you could have paid more attention to, and go to where young singles you like hang out.

Eh. Two of my best friends married their first boyfriends. Ten years later, they both seem pretty happy. They had better judgment and more wisdom (and possibly more luck) than the LW seems to have.

The reason she needs to leave him is because she's not getting what she wants here. It's not any more complicated than that.

>> He is not going to turn into a model citizen if you stay with him.

and if he's been sleeping around with people into 'open relationships' in NYC, he's almost certainly got HPV and other venereal diseases. Something like 75% of New Yorkers have a venereal disease. The LW's boyfriend is like a petri dish at this point.

First love is a sacred thing no matter what some here say.

First love is very special, and, I think, it helps make you into who you become, for better or worse. But that doesn't mean you should hold onto a relationship that isn't making you happy -- or one that's holding either party back from doing what they want to do -- or one that requires you to constantly compromise your values.

It's totally possible that the LW will never find anyone to marry after calling it quits with this guy. But I think that saying, "I'd rather be alone than get treated badly," is a step toward making yourself ready for a relationship with someone who treats you well.

Great advice, Amy, as usual :)

The fact that he's LW's first boyfriend IS THE REASON why it's time to break up. You didn't think you'd marry the first guy you dated, did you, hon?

Take it from someone who took full advantage of the opportunity to have the screwiest, messiest, uncontrollable love life for the entire decade known as 'My Twenties.' Good times! Wouldn't trade it for the world.

You've got about 6 years left. Once you're on the 30 side of 20, things get REAL interesting. Go.

P.S. Ditto to Dana's comment! For the sake of anecdotal evidence, I did the same thing :)

There's absolutely nothing wrong with marrying your very first love and staying with that one person the rest of your life.

There's also absolutely nothing wrong with breaking up with your first love and finding someone better or more compatible with you.

There's also nothing wrong with openly dating several people at once. There's not anything wrong with having one-night stands with no emotional attachment.

There's nothing wrong with NOT openly dating or having one-night stands, either.

No one mold fits a person. A lot has to do with the way you were raised, religion, world views, and your own personality. What worked for one person will not work for everyone. And a guy and girl that are horrible for each other will both probably be great with someone else. It's part of what makes us people.

One thing I think we can all agree on, though, is that this girl needs to dump this guy. If someone dumps shit on you, you should not let them keep screwing you too.

You have been told over and over again the guy is a cheater. Now you finally believe what you have been told over the entire relationship. GET OUT before he gives you an STD, and just in case go get yourself tested.

He is not going to change, he is who he is. You want a relationship with a who is faithful, it is not going to be this man. He has to be quite the player for strangers to approach you in public and tell you the man you are with cannot keep it in his pants.

Find a man who wants you and only you, not a man like this who wants a girlfriend who will let him play all he wants and welcome him back because she has been with him for 4 years.

One piece of advice LW, if you do find yourself sleeping around into your thirties, keep it to yourself. No man wants to be the last stop for some woman who's spent her youth being promiscuous. For whatever reason, a lot of older single women have a habit of promoting their past promiscuity. I think that they think that it makes them seem more sophisticated and desirable. But it actually has the opposite effect.

Guys, don't tell anything about anything you ever do to your girlfriends. It's stupid. Don't do it.

The "silver lining" is that you found out before you wasted any more time and possibly married a cheater.

I also got married in my 30s, to a guy my own age. That's generally the demographic I dated, and I never had trouble finding them.

But I would have happily dated a single dad in his 40s if I'd fallen in love. Geez. What's wrong with a single dad? You guys are quick to throw others in the "undesirable" pile.

Pete: One piece of advice LW, if you do find yourself sleeping around into your thirties, keep it to yourself. No man wants to be the last stop for some woman who's spent her youth being promiscuous. For whatever reason, a lot of older single women have a habit of promoting their past promiscuity. I think that they think that it makes them seem more sophisticated and desirable. But it actually has the opposite effect.

Perhaps few men, Pete, but not "no" men. While I wouldn't be interested in a woman giving me the intimate details of all her previous sexual encounters, it wouldn't bother me knowing that a woman had been with quite a few men (because I've been with a fair number of women.)

*

Worthita: He is not going to change, he is who he is. You want a relationship with a who is faithful, it is not going to be this man.

How can you say with certainty that someone is "not" going to change? There are plenty of people who have committed violent crimes -- something far worse than cheating -- yet they don't continue to commit them once they get out of prison. People do change. "Once a cheater, always a cheater" may be very likely, but it's not a given.

"I'm 24, he's my first boyfriend, and we've been together for four years...
..he knows honesty is everything to me."

These weren't good enough reasons to stop him cheating on you, deliberately deceiving you, and denying you the opportunity to make an informed choice about how and with whom to spend your time.

LW, repeat this until it sinks in:

If someone lies to me they don't respect me.

If someone cheats on me they don't respect me.

If someone deliberately withholds information from me which they know I would use to protect myself, they don't respect me.

If someone Jack Nicholsons* me when they are required to explain themselves, they are attempting to divert the focus and at least some of the blame onto me, and they don't respect me.

I respect myself too much to be with someone who doesn't respect me.

LW, what you are asking Amy for is help in rationalizing away this man's blatant disrespect for you.

He had the option to be an adult about this by:

A) approaching you for the open relationship he obviously wanted, which you would then accept or decline. Crucially, you remain informed about who you are dealing with, what you are getting into (or out of) and the risks you face
B) breaking up with you

Contrast this with his actual behavior and you will see that he chose deceit and disrespect.

He has shown you what he thinks of you. Your subsequent actions will show you what you think of yourself.

*you can't handle the truth

What Julie sad. The worst thing about this is that he didn't even have the respect for the LW to treat her like an adult who deserved to make informed decisions.

Thank your lucky stars that he didn't do this when you were 35 and had three children. Now, move on.