Artists with British accents always get the girl.

When you're in a couple, you should be each other's biggest fan. My husband makes a lot more than I do, and his career has been far more successful than mine. But when he talks to other people and to me, he plays up my accomplishments. It's what you do when you love someone and don't feel threatened by them.

He sounds like one of those "bounders" I've heard so much about.

> what you do when you love someone and
> don't feel threatened by them.

Without meaning to indict any particular personalities in my life or the lives of others, there's little that's less attractive than a partner who wants the mate to feel threatened. We all know what it's like to be a guest at the table where one in the couple offers backhanded encouragement to the other.

Or am I naive? The better couples seem to have a flatly conversational –or pleasantly unspoken– understanding of how much theatrical striving is expected of the other. And 'striving' is almost always theatrical and mundane, like a salesman's self-help audio tape for the car: Get out there and Close!, Close!, Close!

The best, real work is cleverly quiet.

I agree with Amy - get out of that relationship fast! The Robert Heinlein quote was good.

The best, real work is cleverly quiet.

Yes. It should come across as genuine pleasure, not desperate theatrics. Unless the people in question like that sort of thing, I guess.

I have been in this kind of relationship--I was even the same age as the writer--and this is very good advice.

I realize how insidious these things are. I am posting some personal insights in case she reads, or in case you are still in contact with her and they might help.

Problem is, Eroded, when you're entrenched in a relationship like this, you rationalize it with all your mind. You tell yourself he really does has your best interests at heart. He's just being direct, a little harsh maybe, but he means well, he and you insist. You convince yourself that it's YOUR problem that you're inadequate and therefore you are basically forcing him to say these things. And you actually blame yourself for feeling hurt, too. You see your sensitivity as another flaw, further proof of your inadequacy.

Other times, he treats you divinely, waxing poetically on your beauty and talents and potential--though you never know when the next onslaught will come. You think if you just work on yourself and develop a "thicker skin," you'll be stronger and more accomplished and the onslaughts will stop. Or at least stop bothering you.

You THINK you're happy with him, because the idea of being alone seems so desperately unhappy and terrifying to you right now. You THINK your life is better with him, because he is supposedly forcing you to "grow." I know, because these are all the things I told myself.

I know how hard it is to see right now, but your clever, accomplished older man is constantly putting you down because he feels a gaping black hole of inferiority inside himself. He does not really want you to be strong, and he most certainly does not have your best interests at heart. What he wants is an ego boost. All you get out of it are heartache and plummeting self-esteem.

Things will only get better after you leave. Then, you will eventually see him for what he is. Even after my misery led me to remove myself from my former relationship, it only slowly dawned on me how thoroughly I'd been used. It was like waking up one day and discovering white was black.

While I was in the relationship, I couldn't see how twisted it was. I only knew I couldn't tolerate the constant hurt. And so do you, having written for advice.

Well, now you know the only thing you can do that will make you feel better and help you TRULY grow. What are you waiting for?

I've got to say as I get older I have a lot less sympathy for women with this kind of problem.

Most women can have just about any guy they want. It might take a small amount of effort in losing some weight or finding the right makeup/wardrobe scheme that is most flattering, but truth be told women are one of the most beautiful things in creation.

I just cant for the life of me undertand why someone would saty with a person who treates them like crap especially when they have so many options.

This lady, christ. You're wit a manipulative ashhole who wants you to work a dead end job promoting a job he is technically profecent at but secretly hates beacuse he took that career path not because he wanted it but to spite his family.

Think on that a momnet, this guy works a job he is begining to loathe because he chose it out of spite to upset his parents. He doesnt think he is less sucsseful beacuse he makes less money then his clients. He envies his clients apparent happiness, not their money.

And the reason he is now harping on you is because you quit a job you hate and are looking to do something that will make you happy.

How is it you are halfway thru a masters in psycology and cant see any of that?

Hell. Date some other guy who, in addition to telling you how talented/beautiful/smart you are, will make lite of such digs by saying "It's surprising you aren't more naked by now"

"...putting you down because he feels a gaping black hole of inferiority inside himself."

YTS is on the money here. This guy doesn't like what he sees in the mirror. That's why he makes makes up crap like, "Of course, I could have been Prime Minister but I chose to paint instead." This is very likely a huge load of bullshit. It's also why he shits on the letter writer "whilst" keeping her around (see, I can sound all smart and British). He loves that she has this overblown image of him and loves that he can feel so superior.

The letter writer understands that the guy feels like a failure and says as much. So why is she sacrificing her ego in order to stroke his? He isn't as smart and accomplished as she thinks he is. She just likes the accent.

Also, "He says I'd be "more attractive" to him if I wrote for a media blog, as it would help his filmmaking career aspirations."

What the fuck?

Definitely with YTS and luj and whistleDick. With an addendum: he's unhappy now because she's starting to be more successful and won't fit in with the oh-so-boho unconventional life he's thrusting at his parents. She'd be more attractive writing for a media blog because it's quirky and likely underpaid, thereby going along nicely with his rebellion. Nothing more attractive to a guy like that than a woman who helps him rub his parents' faces in his puddle of disappointment.

Short version, LW: he doesn't actually want you to be the strong, confident, accomplished woman he says is most attractive. He wants you to be a mess because it helps his vision of himself as Johnny Cambridge, Portrait Rebel.

Wow, I need to hear from an actual smart British guy now. Where's Ltw got to these days?

The man is a tool. I've met male and female versions of him. I think you are getting cowed by the age thing, the accent, and his story. Of course he was going to be Prime Minister. And I was going to be the next CEO of Apple, but I bought a PC when I was 24.

My wife works retail sales. She has appointments with shoppers. Frequently she's late because women who trust her judgement and taste come in if they see her there. She tops the sales division EVERY SINGLE WEEK. She is allowed to set her own schedule because they are afraid she'll leave.

I don't look at that as contemptible, or that she isn't reaching some mythic level. She is very good at what she does and I am proud of her. And if and when she tries her hand at something else, I'll be there for when she wants to do that. See the difference?

This guy is a nest of insecurities and has his little Colonial Bunny running to his whistle. Dump him. Unless you want to give it a year.

How to recognize if your relationship is abusive: If you're asking, it is.

My spidey sense tells me that if she delves into his claims, that she'll find them to be inaccurate. More likely, her BF is someone with a grandiose self image who's been able to get by on his ability to impress people with a good story and a superficial gloss of erudition.

Dear Amy,

I was on a date with a girl which went great. So well that she came to my apartment afterward for A DRINK. My apartment was clean except for a basket of finished laundry I had left. So while we were chatting, I took the time to fold my laundry. As usual, I tossed the socks in the bottom so I could dump them in my sock drawer. She asked me why I didn't fold the socks and I said I didn't do that. Next thing I know, she's out the door, calling me a lazy bastard. WTF?

A person wants what they want. At least the LW is self aware enought that she questions if she's overdoing it.

But she sounds so full of herself that I wonder if she has room for anyone else.

Opps. Wrong thread. Thread fu fail

Well, y'all have dissected this guy real good! All I was gonna say was he sounds like a bit of a pretentious twit, eh what?

But Snoopy's comment above is probably right: "Artists with British accents always get the girl."

Wait up, guys. I lived with a Brit for a few years. Unlike this guy though, he was in the British military, not from a wealthy family, and was extremely supportive of me and my girls. So it wasn't the accent, this guy was a genuinely good and decent guy. We broke up because, as I eventually found out, he was here illegaly. He had to go back and get his shit straight, and I helped him do that. Haven't heard from him in a long while, but I hope he's okay and that he's doing well. Believe me when I tell you it wasn't just the accent! But LW's guy does sound like a real twit, eh what, Old RPM Daddy? She needs to find a guy whose own self-esteem doesn't hinge on tearing hers apart.

I love that you quoted Heinlein. The advice is excellent.

I had been dating a man for about 1 month and went on a weekend camping date with him and a group of my friends. Although everything I had was top of the line, he had suggestions on how to make everything better. Constant critical suggestions. There was not much to do but grin an bear it until the weekend was over. When I dropped him off, I told him I would not be seeing him again.

LW - get rid of this loser!
When nothing you do is good enough, it is never about you, it is always about them and how unhappy they are with themselves. To try to get happy they try to pawn off their unhappiness on the people closest to them.

"He says I'd be "more attractive" to him if..."

We should come equipped with those beeps, ah-oogahs and other warning sound effects that would go off automatically when someone says those words or variants.

Watch 'Forgetting Sarah Marshall', just so you can get Kristin Bell mocking Russell Brand's accent as she says "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit". Cuz that's what this is.

The letter was missing the "I'm going out with this really great..." description. I thought they all had that. ?

...without following up by whispering a bunch of sweet "you're nothings" in your ear.

LOVED this!

Anyway, the LW seems to be wondering how to develop a thicker skin. Even if you had the hide of a rhino, what he's saying would hurt! And, while a thick skin might be helpful out there in the world, you shouldn't need it to protect you from someone who LOVES you.

It's amazing how many different forms emotional abuse can take, and how often we fail to recognize it, especially when they're subtle.

My ex had a slight variation on this. He'd check out other women, then tell me how much more attractive I was compared to them, like he'd say, "That girl has nice legs, but yours are much prettier."

These comments seemed flattering on the surface, but at the same time, it let me know: a) he was looking at other women, and b) he was comparing me to other women.

This set up a "mirror, mirror, on the wall" kind of dynamic that made me give much greater consideration to my outward appearance than I otherwise would have.

LW's boyfriend's comments are making her give greater consideration to her status and appearance than she would otherwise. And I agree that he's probably afraid she'll become TOO successful.

At any rate, this is an unhealthy, abusive situation. A loving partner doesn't make you constantly question yourself. Beware of anyone who claims they're merely trying to help you "better yourself". If you're not good enough the way you are, move on.

Perhaps the letter writer's bullshit detector would work better if she imagined him WITHOUT the accent.

LW might be staying with him because of the hypergamy drive.
He keeps her on the edge because, as we know from previous threads, that makes her sexually active.

After all, as the divine marquis said,

"...the only way to a woman's heart is along the path of torment. I know none other as sure."

If she leaves, she will be bored to death.

Amy, I agree with the advice, but not necessarily your assessment of it. She's already talked about how self-conscious he is because of the successful patrons who buy his paintings. He feels that his girlfriend will also soon outclass him on the totem pole, once she finally gets her Ph. D. and becomes a psychologist, and he's doing everything to make sure she stays beneath him.

Dump this turkey, LW.

Regarding this: "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."

"Essential," Amy? So, if your S.O. is unhappy, you can't be? Suppose your S.O. dies. Since that obviously precludes S.O. never being happy again -- I have never seen a corpse smile -- does that mean you can't be?

Sorry, not buying. Just because my S.O. is unhappy, doesn't mean that I can't be happy with my own life, and satisfied with what I'm doing, even if my S.O. isn't. I'm not suggesting I wouldn't do all I could for S.O., but my happiness does not depend on his.

In a younger guy I'd say it's shitty upbringing that might do with some correction. At 35 he's full of shit. As a youth pretty much everything I did was always wrong as per dad. So I kind of got into the habit of correcting other people since that's how I was raised. Luckily I had a very good friend who EXPLAINED to me why this was an ill advised approach. I learned, life got better really fast. Now my first though before I speak is, "Is that something dad would say?" If the answer was yes then I'd just keep quiet. Sort of like the teller in clerks 2 realizing his grand mother was a bigot. If he has reached the age of 35 without being corrected then either he's was and doesn't care or he's that much of a prick that no one bothered. Either way take it as a learning experience and leave.

"These comments seemed flattering on the surface, but at the same time, it let me know: a) he was looking at other women, and b) he was comparing me to other women." Really no one has jumped on this one yet? The only guy not checking out other women is the one with the seeing eye dog. Joking aside most of us do it. He was rude or cruel for not being circumspect about it though.

Maybe the girl from the other post should date this guy

I once left a job because of this dynamic. With the exception of, "you'd be prettier/sexier/etc." this is exactly what my boss would do -- only it was about creativity, intelligence, etc. all the way down to stupid minutiae like the format of my email signature. And I'm a 35-year-old professional woman who has been working in "office life" longer than he had and maintain that I was/am damn good at what I do. At first I busted my ass to show him how capable, adaptable, etc. I was but it quickly became clear that he just needs someone to mold and shape at all times. No matter how awesome I was, he always had unsolicited advice for why it wasn't good enough (and no, it wasn't healthy employer-employee critiquing to better my professional self. We went over that separately in reviews, which was fine).

The bottom line is that humans (maybe women more than men; I don't know/care) are going to be their best selves (in a romatic relationship, job, anything) when you can treat them decently and spend some time giving positive feedback that's not laced with "it's never good enough." Unless they're perfectionist masochists who enjoy being criticized; I think there are some of those out there. But there's a difference between busting your ass for someone who likes to criticize and making a healthy effort to improve something.

@hisprincess: They certainly seem to deserve each other, yes?

Luljp,

women may be the fairer sex and have way more options for sex than men, but both sexes have trouble finding quality, lasting partners. And people of both sexes end up in unhealthy relationships like this because they are immature and / or have unresolved problems.

Having lots of other options is neither here nor there. Like Amy says, many people don't ask the right basic questions when they get into a relationship, and therefore choose wrong no matter their options. And if they're unhealthy emotionally to begin with, then they will never have a truly healthy relationship unless they resolve things in themselves.

It's your right not to have sympathy for women (or men) who end up with losers. I still get exasperated with myself when I think of a couple of my past relationships. And hell, most people would consider me very attractive, intelligent, highly sexed AND decently raised--so how on earth did I wind up in them??

Because you can be all of those things but still have other problems, act stupid, and fuck up shit in your life. It's part of being a human being. Cliched as it sounds, fuck-ups and resulting hard times present a huge opportunity to build character. Hopefully this lady will do that. Sometimes it takes the words of an advice goddess to see what's blaringly obvious to others and get started.

Oh, and sorry I spelled your name wrong.

Neat, uh, pictures... fractals...? At your link.

Yeah, fractles, its acctually fairly fun - just loaded some new ones. Ironically ran across the permuitation while listening to Jefferon Airplane. Made for a better title idea then anything else I could think of

>> No matter how awesome I was, he always had unsolicited advice for why it wasn't good enough

I've run into a few people like that. What you realize it that they're not really offering advice, they're simply looking for opportunities to criticize you. And whatever you do, there's always some alternative approach that they'll claim is better. It's a power play. They want to be the teacher and for you to be their student. The best solution that I've found is arsenic administered in small doses so that it's untraceable.

@ Paulo - hahahahaha ;)

@paulo--

Antifreeze is sweet and mixes nicely into Margaritas. Or so I've heard, anyway.

> A loving partner doesn't make you constantly
> question yourself.

I've heard (no experience) that this is what makes cheating so destructive. People have five senses and billions of years of evolution: They can detect all sorts of sub-verbal, pre-logical things that are going on with the feelings of others through body language and glances and tones of voice and God knows what else. When a liar says "No, I'm not cheating" and the spouse believes it, the compass starts spinning.

I could have been somebody, but I'm not. Can I take it out on you?

A case of (You're) On The Waterfront?

"You could have been a contender"

LW have you packed up and moved out yet, if not WHY NOT?

How do I toughen up and develop a thicker skin?

Based on what you said about him, I'd consider leaving instead of thickening.

Say, Patrick... complain to Heinlein!

You're halfway through a Master's and HE'S "Mr. Smart", the portrait painter who wants to be a filmmaker? There are so many red flags that I cannot possibly count them all. Only seven months together and he makes you feel like you disappoint him? Remember... the relationship is still quite NEW... and he's treating you like this already? Just think what he'll be like in a year or two.

Get out while you can. Don't worry about growing a thicker skin to please him because there IS NO pleasing him. Can't be done.

It will not be easy to leave because he will send you on a guilt trip and tell you that you are too sensitive. Don't listen to his crap. Just leave.
By the way, your psych degree should help you recognize the signs of passive/aggressive behavior. He's already exhibiting several symptoms. Tell him to get help as you're walking out the door.

It sounds to me that this guy is running game on her. Under this theory, a man has to keep the woman off balance, otherwise she will get bored and leave him. He may be overdoing it but my guess is she won't leave him unless he does something worse, like cheating on her.

"...putting you down because he feels a gaping black hole of inferiority inside himself."

I agree, this is on the money. He has been comparatively unsuccessful (by his own yardstick, as seems to be from a background of relatively successful people) - I mean, he's 35 and all he does is paint portraits, please, who cares what he allegedly 'could have been' - what nonsense - but he is trying to almost shift blame on to you for his lack of success. He almost seems to be mentally setting it up so when his career 'aspirations' fail (as he probably expects them to, since he 'chooses' not to succeed) it's because you weren't up to the task of being the right 'type' of girlfriend who could 'help him' by blogging etc. Please. This sounds also like a case of 'I love you, but I don't really like you' to me. Doesn't sound like he likes your personality much. You should find someone who likes you. He doesn't want to 'help you better yourself', he wants you to be someone else. He seems to feel he wants or deserves a woman who is a successful career woman and go-getter (except such successful women are actually unlikely to e interested in him, not just because he is only a painter but also because he is insecure and puts the women in his life down continually). He sounds insecure to me, and like he feels his life is not shaping up to what he expected it to be (he's at the age where you start thinking about stuff like that) but now wants to try blame it on you. The irony is you seem to me more likely to become more successful than him, with a masters in psychology, but your own insecurity leaves you thinking - or he has somehow convinced you - that you're lower than him. Amy's advice is spot on.

Update from me, the OP. I did indeed leave Mr. Oh-So-Brilliant very shortly after I wrote to Amy. He did almost exactly what a commenter predicted: guilt-trips, accusations of being overly sensitive, and a few novel-length emails about how all he ever wanted was for me to be the "best" me I could be, but that also I was perfect and we should get married, blah blah. Barf. Honestly, I felt brainwashed by the relationship and spent many months undoing the mental pretzels I'd worked myself into. (The emotional abuse was so incremental, it's hard to describe just how insidious its effects were, especially when interlaced with ostensibly good treatment from him.) Therapy helped loads, as did reading Amy's advice and the comments. Thank you!

P.S. His accent wasn't particularly strong for some reason - and I didn't even notice it after a couple months. Still, I find posh English accents to be repulsive now. Go figure!