I keep wanting to yank him aside and ask him whether he knows how lucky he is. Now I'm thinking I need to yank my friend aside and tell her she can do better.

Weird. I would have gone straight to Option B were a friend dating a guy like that. And have, actually, through a version of what Amy describes. It's nice not to constantly rag on a guy at the beginning so your friend can figure things out for herself, but it's not nice to play mute when you witness the behavior you describe. You know the guy isn't right for her, LW, so it also isn't right to let her get more and more involved with him if you can very gently help her out. If you're the nonconfrontational type, as I suspect you are, then it will be hard (and hard not to just blurt out that the guy's a jackass so you can get it over with), but you need to do it. Strap on a spine and bring your slide rule so you can help your friend do the relationship calculus she needs.

Good advice. I'm going to apply this advice to my dealings with my daughter, who has been dating an incredible douche-bag. It really is impossible to speak directly about it and have any of it sink in.

Fine, speak up if you need to give your opinion, even though it was not solicted.

But be ready to not see much of your friend after that. Been there.

My best friend was engaged to a man who, based on what she told me, would never have made a good husband. (I never met him; they lived in another city.) I consulted some wise old friends and they told me to mind my own business.

One day my friend called me and started crying. That's when I told her that a marriage between the two of them wouldn't work out. We generally don't give advice to each other, so I didn't go on much about it.

She dumped him.

I'd get more manipulative about it. I wouldn't say anything to my friend about *her* relationship. But when we're together, I'd comment to her about a different friend's relationship and what's going well - and pick a trait that I find particularly lacking in her own relationship, such as: "Oh, I ran into X the other day out shopping with her boyfriend. He just adores her! I couldn't help but notice at the mall with all these cute women strolling by, he only had eyes for her. X is soooo lucky to have him, don't you think?"

Usually that gets people to think about their own situation, so on their own they offer, "Yeah, the last time we were out, my boyfriend actually whistled at some babe in front of me." And then I can jump in and say, "Really? How'd that make you feel? Is this really working for you?" That way, the friend doesn't feel defensive that I'm advising her, but still acknowledges aloud that it's not so good.

You can tell them your perspective all you want, and they'll tune you out or distance from you - it's only when they start admitting it to themselves and others that they might change.

This requires a bit of finesse though - if you start a conversation like this out of context, it'll sound contrived and they'll get suspicious you're trying to "tell them something." The goal is for you to be a support person while they figure it out "for themselves". You're just nudging gently to expedite that process.

" She hasn't so much fallen in love as she's slipped in a pile of something somebody should've picked up with a plastic bag."

Every once in a while I read something that is epiphany-inducing. Amy, I thank you.

Quick question, is disgusted a guy or a girl?

I'm a little perplexed as to how to do the motivational interviewing Amy describes. How do you ask someone what they want in a mate when they already have one? Asking that question prompts the easy answer..."Oh, the guy I'm with is just everything I've always wanted..." even if it is getting drunk all the time and whooping it up at other girls.

I also couldn't imagine being asked that question when I'm spoken for, without realizing that the questioner is up to something. How can you ask that question without raising suspicion?

I just don't see how you can do that with someone who has an S.O. to begin with.

Speaking as somebody who was with a passive aggressive dud and could have done better--

This technique could easily send her into self esteem death spiral, as it could make her think that there is something wrong with her because her boyfriend isn't treating her better.

The cure for me was being around men who actually flirted with me and found me attractive. Said men were and are in the 8-10 range, where my ex was about a 3 (and with his new wife has deteriorated to about a 1-2.)

Good one, Amy

(most of 'em probably are. Old men don't do much advice: Too bitter to ask, too ancient to be asked)