I am not sure he suffers from too nice guy syndrome. Sounds like he was pretty content before this last vacation. The issue is less about money than about the sudden change in their relationship status which she just changed on whim. With ten years of difference between them, it is entirely possible that her health has changed over the last year or so. But, she needed to give him heads up BEFORE the trip that they are going to be more friends than "friends than friends with benefits." That was not a nice move on her part and she deserves all the crap that will surely be flung on her out here in the next few days.

Balko

Or to be masculine about it, in that way that happens when it's your own personal Friday night and that first glass of Chianti's flyin' down the drain while the washing machine spins all noisey-like....

A three-grand penalty for ten years of good fucking (into middle age, which is where the hot ones hide the candy nowadays) and he wants to complain? Ten years, to age 46, in the company of a woman whose company he enjoyed, and he wants to complain?

Yeah, sure, buddy... Go ahead. "Feel angry". It's Tuesday. Get it out of the way. Cut someone off in traffic tomorrow, and cut in line in front of a widow at the grocery's laser self-checkout on Thursday. Masturbate through the tears –like a man possessed– on Friday, and make a new friend on Saturday. Done.

"Angry", he says.

If, four years ago, she'd borrowed three grand after an auto accident, or to send her cancer-ridden nephew to Disney World in the last month of life, would he have been a prick about that, too?

Call me naive, but at this late hour it's become apparent to me that some people hump aggressively without taking notice of other people in the room whatsoever.

"Jeez, pal, do you know how many guys would gladly sacrifice $2,500 to have never gotten married?"

Brilliant.

"The day she arrived, she declared her sex life a thing of the past."

Wish her the best. Go find new sex partner. Take that person on vacation.

Leaver this gal on your christmas card list if you want, but beyond that...

But, she needed to give him heads up BEFORE the trip that they are going to be more friends than "friends with benefits."

This.

And as Amy said, you don't have to just lie down and accept it. I wouldn't suggest getting angry as such, but telling her you were disappointed and you're not happy about it, and if it's not going to change then you've lost interest in the relationship is fine.

It's not about the money, so don't worry that you're treating her like a whore by expecting sex. You had every reason to think nothing had changed, and for her to dish out an emotional letdown like that to you with no warning is awful.

Men are dogs, but....

Either she's figured she's too old for sex (56), or maybe she wants someone new, like a sextagenarian.

I counter that in funding everything, it was never my intention to be paying for "horizontal refreshment."

Were your friends really saying you should be upset because of all the money you spent? Because her bombshell would have been just as explosive had she paid her own way on everything. Being upset doesn't mean you're treating her like she stiffed you on a business transaction. But perhaps you were feeling like that before she welded her chastity belt shut.

You also don't have to be angry to want to end the relationship. Like Sheepmommy said, you were fine with the arrangement until the sex moratorium. Or maybe you weren't fine, but that doesn't really change your next move. If you can't talk to her about this (have you tried?), then you either accept it or end the relationship.

I'm still a little squicked by how LW keeps mentioning how much money he spent on her. Was that her counterargument to his question about why she won't have sex anymore? Or was he already thinking in those terms? The issue isn't about money, so who introduced all the talk of funding?

I'm still a little squicked by how LW keeps mentioning how much money he spent on her.

I found that icky too. I would have ignored that part and just said "she agreed to go away then denied sex". But the vibe I'm getting (partly from Amy's answer, as usual she's had more discussion with him than we know about) is that he's unwilling to complain because it will *look* like he was demanding sex for money. Which is a classic nice guy response. (And yes, Amy, I will be listening to your podcast on the subject when I finish up work for the year!)

I don't really think it's about the money, but that he's conflicted about confronting her because he's worried it will appear that way.

As the old joke goes, "We've established what you are, now we're just negotiating your price".

Re-reading your comment NumberSix, you obviously basically agree with me. That's what I get for skimming. Oops.

For all you "young "and people who think that the lady friend's ending of sex is related to her age--Ha! Do you expect to give up sex when you reach your 50's? If so, most of you should have a very pleasant surprise awaiting you. Even at 60. Even at 70. And maybe more.

Her: "So, my sex life is a thing of the past."

You: "That's so modern and today and I applaud you! Mine isn't, though. Oh hey—here's a library... did you want to stop and use their computer to find yourself a hotel?"

It was wrong of her to change 'conditions' without notice, but it's not a big deal. I'll bet there were plenty of single women wherever they went on vacation. Get a room with two beds and she can be the wing-man!

The guy needs a t-shirt that says, "I don't just worship the ground you walk on...I AM the ground you walk on."

I don't quite believe his placidity with this arrangement. He feels the need to itemize everything he's paid for and points out that she has controlled the intensity of the relationship from the get-go. I sense a seething resentment that belies his air of cool indifference.

Something's going to give if he stays with her. I suspect we'll be seeing him in the news shortly...as the guy who strangled his girlfriend in his sleep while on vacation.

Is it a strange hormonal thing? Maybe she should see a doctor.

After all the backstory, they guy's question is: Am I in denial for NOT feeling angry?

Instead of all the bickering and arguing over who killed who, I'm more interested in all these people who need to get their feelings (or lack of them) validated. Am I wrong to feel angry? Am I wrong to not feel angry? Somebody tell me what to feel here!

And what's with "my friends are all fuming"? Did you really cry to all your friends that you shelled out big time and didn't get any?

I couldn't run an advice column. I'd be too busy laughing.

I agree with Amy. He lost me at '10 year long distance relationship.' That just says that he has taken a very passive stance toward finding a viable romantic partner, and toward this relationship in particular. I just don't think you can have consistency of any kind when you don't see each other for months at a time.

Of course, that doesn't make what she's doing any less douche-y. Sounds like she's either over him, and/or seeing someone else who is more short-distance and liking that better than the LW. But of course she's still interested in a sweet, free vacation with a guy who serves her every whim. Including keeping his hands off her.

Poor dude needs to get his balls back and go out and play the field, whilst figuring out why he spent so much time on someone who was both physically and emotionally unavailable.

Razor wins @ 5:37 AM.

I think the fact that LW paid for all the travel arrangements IS important because it shows that a) he's much more invested in the relationship, at least financially, and b) GF is inconsiderate enough to be unconcerned that he's essentially throwing money away on her. I'd be more sympathetic if she was the one paying $3000 to announce that she was no longer having sex with him. As it stands, the relationship seems to be entirely on her terms--"hot" when she's bored or horny or feels like traveling; "cold" when she finds something (or someone) better to occupy her time. And now she's not having sex? Well no skin off her skin, it's still a free vacation.

In fact, I'm wondering if GF even sees this as a relationship as opposed to online buddies who occasionally hook up--generally people in a relationship don't tend to make unilateral decisions about ending their sex life. The "relationship" part may be in his head only.

Also, LW is 46--he's already wasted what could arguably be called his prime marriage and baby-making years with this women. No idea if he wants to have a family, but if he does the window is shrinking. He should be with a 36 year who can still carry children, but even a 66 year old who lives within 50 miles and enjoys sex is better than this situation.

*Caveat: is it possible that LW, say, gained 50 pounds or something along those lines to make him completely unappealing to GF and the "I gave up sex" line was just something she made up on the spot to appease his feelings? If so, she still handled it poorly and that's such a major communication fail that I'd say the relationship is nonexistant anyway, but just a thought.

"She's 56 and most likely is in menopause. The point is, you don't change the terms of your relationship in a way that you know will not fly with the other person, and then have them pay to fly you out and be shocked that your time together will involve only some hot hand-holding and sexual frustration while sharing a hotel bed."

In fairness to her, I would imagine she might have concluded that after a 10 yr long relationship, he actually liked her as a friend and enjoyed her company as much as getting laid. They must have many common interests to have lasted so long and traveled so frequently together. Perhaps she thought he really wanted her to join him on this trip, regardless of whether she could perform sexually.

I agree this was a foolish assumption on her part, and she should've told him in advance that this would be a platonic outing and offered to pay half because it sounds to me (ickily too) that the money is his main issue. He paid and didn't get laid, so now he's whining to his friends, who are all "fuming" on his behalf.

Crid is right that after 10 years of great passion, he's being rather petty.

Btw, my girlfriend is 50. She's been sexually inactive for awhile due to going through a divorce and just getting back into the dating scene. Recently, she had sex with someone, and it was painful and dry, so she's been joking that her "hoo ha is atrophying", though it's no joke, and she's really mortified and embarrassed.

It might be that LW's friend discovered this just as my friend did - rather recently and too late to cancel non-refundable tickets, etc. I mean, would that be any better - calling him and saying she can't come because she's can't screw anymore (which presumes that's all he wants) and causing him to be out money for the trip? He'd still be angry either way.

"Recently, she had sex with someone, and it was painful and dry,"

That's what oral sex and patience is for.

That's what lube is for.

I think the fact that LW paid for all the travel arrangements IS important because it shows that a) he's much more invested in the relationship, at least financially, and b) GF is inconsiderate enough to be unconcerned that he's essentially throwing money away on her.

Good point. I'll amend my earlier post to say that it still isn't really about money, but it is about what the money represents here. And I think you're spot on, Shannon, in that his paying for everything means that he's likely more invested in the relationship. Now, maybe it started out as a one-time thing and grew to just be their arrangement, but he's still seemingly letting her dictate all the terms. And it looks as if the LW isn't good with speaking up. He wouldn't want to be pushy.

I'm with everyone else asking if the new sex stance is due to a medical problem (menopause or its more severe symptoms). The thing is, did the LW ask? I think it's odd he doesn't mention her giving a reason. I think Ltw is right in that he didn't want to seem like he spent the money just for sex, so maybe he also didn't ask any questions for that reason. Usually these types of letters include some kind of "When I asked, she refused to talk about it further..." statement. LW: if you didn't ask, do it now. If, after you've been understanding and firm, but not defensive, and she still doesn't want to talk about it, then decide if you need to end the relationship. Or whatever it is.

Instead of all the bickering and arguing over who killed who

I love you, Pricklypear.

He didn't? That's very, very sad. Not knowing is the worst of all. I hadn't considered that point.

As I read it, despite his claims otherwise,I thought he WAS mad! He's listing all the money he pays over the years, he's writing Amy, he's talking about it non-stop with friends. I think he's really saying he hadn't shown her his anger yet, hasn't yelled at her and such, since he's a gentleman, but yes he is mad!

He's mad, even though he didn't even ask her why, and possibly she has a serious medical condition. Maybe she's dying of cervical or ovarian cancer, or just had a hysterectomy.

It's very odd that he says they had a passionate trip "in Feb", but "last month" she's suddenly sexless, yet he never asks why. Whatever has happened sounds recent, within the past few months, so a serious medical condition seems plausible.

Frankly, I couldn't get serious with man who showed that little interest in what could be going on with me. There's a reason this lady has never wanted to make this a serious relationship.

Did she decide to abandon sex before, or after, he started using the phrase 'horizontal refreshment'?

It's quite likely that she really is done with sex. This is the 900lb Gorilla when it comes to dating women over 40. At some point, their sex drive is going to go away entirely. But you never know when. It could be 42 or it could be 62. It may be that she's been done with sex for a while and couldn't get up the courage to tell him until now. It's really no ones fault.

Me? I would have run up a bunch of shit on the room, canceled my credit card and left the day before check out leaving her with the bill.

Ofcourse my anger burns cold and calculating when someone intentionally fucks me over.

Yes she is within her rights to not want to have sex, ofcourse that being the case you shouldnt accept a thousand dallar vacation pakage with a fuck buddy without letting him or her know there will be no more fucking.

And hell yes he should be mad, once she made her announcemnt he should have told her "Well I came on this vacation to get laid, so you need to get your own room, as anyone I bring back to mine probably wont be comfortable with you sitting in the corner watching TV or doing a suduko"

I just re-read everything (including my typo, oops).

"this woman and I have had a hot-and-cold long-distance relationship, the temperature of which she's always controlled"

Well, there you go. Her 'hot' button is broken, for whatever reason--menopause, health problems, who cares?

Whether she should have done what she did doesn't even matter at this point. She did it. LW didn't ask why, but his friends are fuming, by golly! (Sorry, that line just cracks me up.)

So she's been calling the shots all this time. This guy isn't just passive, he's an invertebrate.

"Last year, she felt ready to try for something lasting"

Yes. Absolutely. Marry this woman at once, or whatever else she wants to do. Just do it, you know you want to.

(Thanks for hitting the MP reference, NumberSix, I love you too.)

Amy: "In the future, even if you can't quite believe you deserve a mutual relationship, you need to risk acting as if you do, and speak up and even bail whenever one turns out not to be."

I've been reading Amy's writing for years and a combination of bad experiences and being consistently exposed to her great (brilliant) logic led me to recently do what she suggested above. A man I REALLY dug was giving me some red flags right away but always did appropriate damage control on Monday morning. A couple separate weekends we had loose plans to get together and he never called. The second time it happened, he texted me Monday morning true to form: "How much do you hate me?" I responded that I didn't hate him, I think he's great, but it's not going to work out. He apologized, and I went about my day. I was pretty upset but made sure not to contact him at all.

The next day he did a complete turn-around. He's asked me out properly, in advance, and has taken me out on some very nice dates. I've met his friends and he's been a complete gentleman, thoroughly considerate. Did I suddenly get more attractive? As a person, no, I'm the same person. The action of calling it quits when you're getting treated like crap shows people that you're not crap. It is very important and necessary to be willing to actually call it quits.

Now I really hope he doesn't read this because I got kind of specific, but I wanted the LW to know that for me, it worked. And I think it always works. You should really, truly take Amy's advice to heart the next time you put yourself out there. Someone as generous and selfless as you does not deserve to take whatever they can get from ANYONE. The fact that your friends care enough about you to be angry on your behalf (whether or not she's in the wrong) is also telling. Good luck!

It is very important and necessary to be willing to actually call it quits.

SO MUCH THIS. This is what I point to when people say they won't give ultimatums, so they'll just continue to in their Sisyphean tasks of getting their significant others to change. I think the difference is intent. It's not a threat, it's a declaration of what you're unwilling to put up with and what you're willing to do to make it stop. It is not manipulation if you are actually willing to end it, instead of holding the end of the relationship over his/her head to get him/her to do what you want...for the time being. Thing is, if you manipulate like that, the results are going to be temporary. If the LW's girlfriend is fine with him promptly stamping WELCOME on his chest and prostrating himself in front of her, then she's also a good judge of just how much he'll take. If he threatens and then goes right back to the way he was once he gets his temporary fix, she'll only do it again, with that extra bit of information stored away for later use. Not saying LW's girlfriend is a perpetual user or is representative of all users, but she illustrates my point here.

It may be that she's been done with sex for a while and couldn't get up the courage to tell him until now. It's really no ones fault.

Nora - no. Unless her sex drive disappeared on the plane, which I doubt, it's her fault. She should have told him. The phrase 'manning up' applies to women too.

I just had to ring someone a few days ago to tell her "you know how we discussed that you didn't want to hear about my dating life, but I would tell you if I started seeing someone seriously? Well I have". She went hysterical, accused me of using her and intentionally hurting her, etc. This from someone who lives in another state, that I haven't seen for months, had warned that if I come to visit you know it will just be as friends...

The point is, no matter what, I wouldn't dream of not telling her. I certainly wouldn't be flying there then saying "oops, I forgot to mention I'm in a monogamous relationship now". I knew she was still interested despite all I'd said and she deserved to know, and to be told by phone (the closest I can get to in person) not by text or email.

If she didn't have the courage, fine, I understand that. Doesn't make her less wrong. She's damn lucky he didn't have the courage to show her the door.

Btw everyone, my new gf is 52, so I certainly hope the end of her sex drive holds off a lot longer the LW's gf! Amy, she and I live a couple of hours drive apart, so we'll be testing out the Living Apart Together theory. So far, so good.

LW: The day she arrived, she declared her sex life a thing of the past.

I wonder if she was talking about her sex life per se, or just her sex life with you.

Either way, it was shabby of her to not mention it beforehand. You may have still decided to fund her vacation anyway, but at least you would've had a heads-up.

Nora: It's quite likely that she really is done with sex. This is the 900lb Gorilla when it comes to dating women over 40. At some point, their sex drive is going to go away entirely. But you never know when. It could be 42 or it could be 62. It may be that she's been done with sex for a while and couldn't get up the courage to tell him until now. It's really no ones fault.

Nora, what Ltw said: it is her fault. She owed it to him to disclose that ahead of time. Lack of courage may explain why she didn't disclose, but it's not a justification.

Interesting to see you say that being done with sex is the "900lb Gorilla when it comes to dating women over 40." In my experience, I never found that with any women between 40 and 50 but now that I'm dating women over 50, I'm finding that very little interest in sex among them is becoming more common, although I've yet to meet any woman who says she has no interest in sex.

Having little interest is very different than being unable to have sex. Even if my sex drive takes a dive after menopause, I can't imagine totally cutting my husband off. I'd still have sex for his sake, unless there was some illness or condition that prevented me from using both my Hoo ha or my mouth (simultaneously?).

I still think something else must be going on. Maybe the sex with him was just awful last time, though he believes it was "passionate", or she has some major illness.

The thing is, if LW is such a nice guy, why wouldn't he at least have asked, "Really? Are you OK?" Isn't that what a nice guy would do?

I suspect he didn't ask because he was afraid the answer was that she just isn't interested in sex with HIM anymore.

...she just isn't interested in sex with HIM anymore.

LS, that's what I'm inclined to think. It seems unlikely to me that she went from being passionate to having no interest in sex whatsoever during the span of ten months. On the other hand, maybe that can happen with older women. Maybe a switch can go off and they just lose all interest in sex.

If what we both think is true, and she just lost interest in having sex with him, then I think it's even more reprehensible that she didn't disclose this beforehand.

Yeah, Jim, but I'm also wondering if their relationship was basically platonic beforehand. He says it's been on and off for 10 years, but then, recently, she "felt ready to try for something lasting". In passive guy speak, could this mean: "She finally agreed to have sex with me"?

Maybe this guy has been in the friend category so long that she assumes that's what they mainly are. She tried having sex with him, didn't care much for it, and doesn't want to hurt his feelings by saying so.

Women often misread these situations. I was just discussing this topic with my girlfriend, who tends to think that these "nice guy" types genuinely want to be her friend. They'll tell her that, just to hang around with her, in hopes of something more developing.

It sounds to me that this could be the scenario here. LW got a taste of a romantic relationship with this woman who basically wants him as a friend only - which he's probably told her was fine for 10 years. He's just as responsible for the failure in communication and not being upfront about his intentions.

Interesting theory, LS. You may be right. I suppose "she felt ready to try for something lasting" could mean "she finally agreed to have sex with me", but it could also mean "she finally felt ready to make a long-term commitment", which is how I took it (just like I took the "hot" in "hot-and-cold" to mean they were having sex.) We don't know of course, because these letters seldom have all of the information laid out.

As for your thought that she tried having sex with him and didn't care much for it much...he does say that she was with him for "two wonderful, passionate months" and it's hard for me to understand someone continuing to have sex with someone for two months if they don't like it (I certainly couldn't do that) but that's his characterization of it. Perhaps the two months weren't "passionate" for her.

As for what a woman like your girlfriend thinks, it certainly is possible for a man to want to be "just friends" with a woman but, if that's how he feels, it's going to be with a woman he's not interested in and attracted to. If he's into her like that, he's going to want to get naked with her. If your girlfriend has even half a clue, I'd think she'd be able to pick up on whether or not a guy was interested in and attracted to her, even if he didn't make it obvious.

The last woman I was really into didn't, unfortunately, feel the same way about me. If I hadn't been attracted to her, I would've loved to have been friends with her because we had so much in common, especially a love of music, and we really got each other's sense of humor. But, with the attraction I felt, I knew I couldn't do it.

I was just discussing this topic with my girlfriend, who tends to think that these "nice guy" types genuinely want to be her friend. They'll tell her that, just to hang around with her, in hopes of something more developing.

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt LS. You forgot about the importance of being their soulmate and confidant when they break up with whatever loser they were going out with in the hopes of some rebound sex...

No, I'm not bitter, why do you ask?

Never. Again.

May I ask, LS, does your girlfriend really believe it? The thing that shocked me out of that behaviour was finding out that they knew all along. Just some were kind enough to cut me loose early and others took advantage of it. Does she really not know?

I finally worked it out and fixed it. Ultimately, it was my own stupid fault.

Ltw, I think she does know, but often, thinks that if she says she only wants to be friends enough times that it's ok because she's being upfront and honest. But I argue with her that this isn't what the guy hears no matter how many times she says it, especially if she accepts invitations to hang out with the a guy one-on-one, as she recently did.

She's attractive. I told her it may work for women who aren't attractive to be a "pal" with a guy, but women like her just can't...unless it's with a guy who has a decidely different type than her - blond, buxom, and pretty - which rules out most of the male population. Maybe someone into Asian women or something, but for the most part, it's unlikely.

Ltw, I think she does know, but often, thinks that if she says she only wants to be friends enough times that it's ok because she's being upfront and honest. But I argue with her that this isn't what the guy hears no matter how many times she says it, especially if she accepts invitations to hang out with the a guy one-on-one, as she recently did.

She's attractive. I told her it may work for women who aren't attractive to be a "pal" with a guy, but women like her just can't...unless it's with a guy who has a decidely different type than her - blond, buxom, and pretty - which rules out most of the male population. Maybe someone into Asian women or something, but for the most part, it's unlikely.

I thought as much LS. I really do have some very close and dependable female friends, that I have no interest in whatsoever. (Ok, maybe my youngest brother's ex, who I get along with because she's studying to be an engineer, and that I see as a younger sister - but if she ever really pushed the point I'd be hard-pressed to say no). But yes, it's rare. And I've been in that position of "hanging out in hope" a few times. Fortunately I've managed to purge all that.

I'd like to point out that before this comment I hadn't listened to Amy's interview with Dr Robert Glover - mostly because I knew it would make me cringe over my past behaviour and I was trying to schedule it for a quiet time. I'm glad to find out my independent conclusions about what I was doing wrong seem to match up with his recommendations. Seems apropos to this column.

I had a long distance relationship with my husband for several years and he was very nice about the fact that it took me a little while to get into the mood after having been separated for a month. I find the more I have sex the more I want it and maybe LW's lady had been suppressing it for all those months when they were apart. How DID they spend their vacation? Not even any cuddling?? Additional note: atrophy and dryness are VERY PAINFUL and it took me (a health professional) 9 months and two ob-gyn visits to solve the problem. Although that doesn't mean I didn't participate to the extent that I could!

Agreed, NumberSix. And thank you :)