You are way out of your depth on this one..

From the Mayo Clinic ..

Complications associated with genital herpes may include:

Other sexually transmitted infections. Having genital sores increases your risk of transmitting or contracting other sexually transmitted infections, including the AIDS virus.

Newborn infection. Babies born to infected mothers can be exposed to the virus during the birthing process. This may result in brain damage, blindness or death for the newborn.

Bladder problems. In some cases, the sores associated with genital herpes can cause inflammation around the urethra, the tube that delivers urine from your bladder to the outside world. The swelling can close the urethra for several days, requiring the insertion of a catheter to drain your bladder.

Meningitis. In rare instances, HSV infection leads to inflammation of the membranes and cerebrospinal fluid surrounding your brain and spinal cord.

Rectal inflammation (proctitis). Genital herpes can lead to inflammation of the lining of the rectum, particularly in men who have sex with men.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/genital-herpes/DS00179/DSECTION=complications

There's also Herpes Encephalitis. Each year in the U.S., herpes accounts for about 2,100 cases of encephalitis, a rare but extremely serious brain disease. Untreated, herpes encephalitis is fatal over 70% of the time. Respiratory arrest can occur within the first 24 - 72 hours. Fortunately, rapid diagnostic tests and treatment with acyclovir have both significantly improved survival rates and reduced complication rates. For those who recover, nearly all suffer some impairment, ranging from very mild neurological changes to paralysis. The best chances for a favorable outcome occur in patients who are treated with acyclovir within 2 days of becoming ill.

More on Meningitis..

Herpes Meningitis. Herpes meningitis, an inflammation of the membranes that line the brain and spinal cord, occurs in up to 10% of cases of primary genital HSV-2. Women are at higher risk than men for herpes meningitis. Symptoms include headache, fever, stiff neck, vomiting, and sensitivity to light. Fortunately, herpes meningitis usually resolves without complications, lasting for up to a week, although recurrences have been reported.

Wow. Several layers to this letter. Putting aside the medical issue, I find this hilarious:

Do you think he knows I have herpes?

Maybe. Or maybe he's picking up on the fact that you don't want to have sex with him but want him to be pushing to have sex with you.

Maybe he just isn't interested in me romantically and doesn't want me getting too attached.

See above. Nothing like an "I'm totally into having casual sex with my friends, but I can't right now because I have a SECRET" attitude to confuse a guy.

1. 70% of 2100 = 1470
2. there are over 300,000,000 people in the USA
3. 1470/300000000 = 0.0000049 or 0.00049%
Hardy the threat your making it out to be

As for this womans question - did she ever consider that he noticed he unease?

Wow. I remember our teachers in health class (late 70s and early 80s) putting herpes up there with syphilis and gonorrhea in terms of awfulness, except that herpes, being viral, wasn't exactly curable. On the other hand, I learned eventually not to take at face value everything the teachers told us.

"Do you think he knows I have herpes?" I'm trying to figure out how he would know that, since herpes doesn't make your ears or nose light up or anything. Perhaps LW told somebody who didn't need to know, who told someone else who didn't need to know, and so on. That's another thing age teaches people eventually: If there's no reason to tell about something so personal, then it's best not to let on about it.

As regards Paulo's post: Point taken -- complications can arise from genital herpes, as they can with many other illnesses, and I'm not inclined to argue with the Mayo Clinic about that.

The questions I'd be asking at this point would be how frequently do these complications arise, do these complications arise with other illnesses, and would the frequency of complications associated with genital herpes be enough to make it as alarming an illness as it's been made out to be?

It's always interesting to me that people write advice columnists over something like this rather than ask the one person who could truly know. Why doesn't she simply ask the guy what's going on?

Usually, when we women overanalyze these romantic situations it's because we know, deep down, he's not that into us. But it's easier to sit and ponder the many hypothetical reasons why he hasn't called or jumped our bones instead of facing the hurtful truth.

It's pretty unlikely that this guy is "stopping short" because of the herpes. Possible, but unlikely. She needs to ask him.

Alarming or not, health-risk or not, I don't want it and that's not a choice you get to make for any other person. It may be cold sores down there, but I don't get cold sores anywhere nor do I ever intend to. I have never known that I know anyone with herpes. I do have a friend who gets cold sores "up there" though and it's more than a mild annoyance to her.

Unless it was a kiss at a bar with someone she doesn't know, never to be repeated, she shouldn't be "messing around" with someone before telling them. The heat of the moment right before entry is not the time for discussion.

Where to begin with this one? First, a big thank you to Amy for taking the time to research her answer and take this question seriously. I too was raised in the 80's and herpes was a big scare tactic used to keep us from having sex. While I believe Amy is correct, I would still say that this
disease is nothing to laugh at. For those of us who have given birth to children, we know that there is one gift that just keeps on giving even years after the birth. When I have an episode my life becomes very uncomfortable. I can't even take my regular spin class bc of the discomfort, so it really affects the way I live my life. Sounds like herpes (the other H word) has similar effects. If you are going to expose someone to that, you need to get their informed consent. It is the ethical thing to do.
What really gets me, is that she clearly has not learned anything from her past experience. You would think that after getting infected she would be discerning about her sexual partners. But no, obviously random hook up sex is still on the table and she wonders why the guy is reluctant to seal the deal so to speak. This may date me, but frankly, women who engage in this behavior are not desirable as long term partners to men. Men will take what you give them, but they won't commit to it. She thinks she is in love with this guy and yet she hasn't even had an honest conversation with him about herself. She sounds deceitful and immature to me. I'll bet he senses it and that is why he is clearly using her as a booty call.
LW, wake up and have some self respect. Stop giving yourself to every guy who buys you a drink or dinner. Once you value yourself, others will as well. Then, when you find a guy you have an actual connection with, tell him the truth as Amy instructed you too. As she said, it's the cover-up that's the problem, not the disease.

I don't give a shit that herpes symptoms are generally minor and non harmful. I Don't Want It. And I expect to be told before I kiss you or we share a dessert fork. Yes, it's a deal breaker. Yes, I'm probably hurting someone's self esteem--I'm sure there are plenty of lovely people out there who are carriers. Still doesn't mean I want to expose myself to a chronic recurring disease.

This idiot woman may have already infected him. Infection doesn't require intercourse. Also HSV II isn't simply a cold sore. I find it odd that Amy chose to misrepresent the nature of Herpes , and to attack the first poster for linking to the facts. My guess is that she's got herpes too and that's what she wants to believe. But she shouldn't be representing herself as an authority when she's obviously not.

I just finished a microbiology course geared for the health care field. What we were taught about herpes 1 and 2 is exactly what Amy has said here.

The problem is that it doesn't really matter if herpes is a horrible disease or not--as long as the general population believes this, there's always going to be a stigma. You might intellectually know it's not a big deal, but you still don't want it because your next partner might feel differently.

It's similar with chlamydia and gonorreah. I had chlamydia once and it was no big deal--I didn't experience any symptoms, and I just took one pill and it went away with no side effects. On the other hand, I've also had the flu, which has no antibiotic cure, put me out of commission for days, and generally made me wish I was dead. In theory, I'd rather have chlamydia again than the flu or even a really bad head cold. But the stigma around STDs makes them disproportionately more undesirable than any other transmittable disease. No one blames you or hates you for giving them the flu.

Anyway, it's great that you're putting this information out there. I still probably wouldn't date someone with herpes, but it's good to know the facts.

The first poster did a quick google search. I made quick work of his comment because I know the area so well.

Amy my comment is simply copied from resources provided by the Mayo Clinic along with two descriptions of these complications from a medical reference. The reason that I did this wasn't for 'sport', but because I've butted heads with you before and knew how you'd react to being contradicted. But nothing you've written here contradicts those resources. Your rebuttal actually confirms them.

The prevalence of Herpes isn't relevant to the ethics of knowingly exposing someone to genital Herpes, nor does it diminish the impact of contracting the virus.

If you'd acknowledged the information that you'd posted in response to me in your letter, then I wouldn't have called you on it. But what you'd written in the letter presents a very different picture. You can rail at me and beat you chest as much as you like but the truth of the matter is that your description and characterization of genital Herpes isn't entirely accurate and leaves out some very crucial information. It seems like you were more interested in criticizing what you perceive to be a hysteria surrounding Herpes than in giving the LW sound medical advice.

I'm in the same boat as number 6, he is probably picking up on something from her saying, I have a secret that I'm not telling you.
If he knew, he would probably asked or avoided her.
We live in a world where some would claim oral sex isn't sex, and the common stupidity/ self denial of people, that VDs can only be spread by full-blown intercourse. So I'm also concerned that she says "He's stopped short of having full-blown intercourse with me" which has me wondering exactly what they were doing and is he now already infected.
She needs to talk with him now, probably should have talked with hima few dates ago.

Maybe the guy has an STD and isn't comfortable telling her about it yet, and so isn't ready to have sex. Maybe they both have herpes.

Paulo - The only person the LW should be getting "sound medical advice" from is a DOCTOR! The LW wrote to Amy in regards to her "guy friend" and why he doesn't seem too gung-ho about sex with her and whether or not he already knows about the herpes. Amy was explaining to her why its not such a big deal to just man up and tell him about it, which is exactly what she needs to do. The advice is spot on.

"Newborn infection. Babies born to infected mothers can be exposed to the virus during the birthing process. This may result in brain damage, blindness or death for the newborn."

"Do women with herpes NOT get tested prenatally? Not get C-sections?"

I didn't know this (if it's true). Having to have a C-section is no small thing, which I assume was Paulo's point - that the stigma is warranted. I don't think he should've said you were "out of your depth on this one" because you're clearly not. That was a rude comment. Your research is sound, as always. But I kind of agree with his overall point that herpes isn't some minor nuisance.

Any woman who has had a C-section will tell you that it's a major surgery and recovery. The fact that herpes would require a C-section is just one of the many reasons none of us wants this.

Paulo - The only person the LW should be getting "sound medical advice" from is a DOCTOR!

I think that's his point. My reading of that letter is similar to his. Herpes can have very serious complications. It's not just a blister or a cold sore on your genitals.

Honestly Amy, freaking out and getting so vindictive with people doesn't help your case. Paulo posted information from credible sources. It's either accurate or it isn't.

I have genital herpes and I have to say that Amy’s analysis is spot on. I haven’t informed any of my partners about my ‘crusty little secret’, and none of them have caught ‘the herp’. I was infected 10 years ago. Since then I’ve only had one mild re-occurrence in 10 years. I haven’t had to deal with any other medical problems because of HVS-2. In my opinion calling that 'a minor annoyance' is overstating it.

In any case herpes is a lot more common then you think. According to the CDC 1 in 5 women (14 to 49 years of age) already have the virus. Many of them don’t know it. Unless this guy is extremely religious or prudish (I know that was redundant) chances are very high that he’s going to sleep with a woman that has herpes anyway. So while philosophically I agree with the idea that the LW should tell him; practically it won’t make a difference. If he’s going to sleep with someone that has herpes anyway there’s no sense in ruining her chances with him.

If the LW ever infects her partner she can always play innocent by pretending to be outraged and blame him on catching herpes before he met her. Which is a very plausible scenario that actually happens frequently.

Many of those decrying herpes should know that you probably already carry the herpes virus. Around 80% of the population has oral herpes, and oral herpes can be spread from the mouth to the genitals or other parts of the body with exactly the same health implications. Is everyone here that is lambasting this woman going to get tested and inform all of their future partners if they have oral herpes? After all they could potentially spread it to their significant others’ naughty parts! If the answer is ‘no’ then you can shut up now.

There is a stigma with any of the STD's. The presumption being if you caught one you must be foolish, careless, promiscuous and/or indiscriminate.

The microbiology course I took was taught by someone with a PhD in microbiology; viruses (along with bacteria, protozoa, and fungi) are his specialty. Amy's response to the letter writer is precisely what he told us.

And now you're attacking me as well!

Are you having a nervous breakdown or something? You'd corroborated the same information in response to Paulo and now you're refuting it - because it's from the Mayo Clinic and you obviously don't know what that is. Because you have no background in science, medicine or research of any kind. Still you're perfectly willing to insult the intelligence and integrity of anyone that you doesn't agree with you.

I'll put this to the other commenters - who thinks that Amy's gone too far this time?

Everyone agrees that she needs to tell him before exposing him, so I really don't understand the point of debating how serious herpes actually is.

Set aside the whole STD issue: Maybe he stops short of intercourse because he just doesn't want to risk making babies with someone he's not in a relationship with. Is that really so far-fetched?

Paulo is a tiny man who wanted to "get" me based on some previous discussion where his tiny little ego was wounded. It's apparent.

I don't want to 'get' Amy you. I don't even know you. You keep going back to this idea that I'm trying to steal your status. That I'm less significant that you.

That's really not it. I didn't agree with what you wrote and so I posted additional information. That's all. I don't know how anyone can read the two posts that I've made here and come to that conclusion.

You know, if you're going to behave this way, you shouldn't keep implying that Dr. Wald endorses what you're doing. Frankly I think that she'd regret having assisted you if she knew that you were going to use her name to justify berating and humiliating people.

Amy rocks!

Actually - the whole STD issue is important because of how we use information in our lives and in how we treat people. I thank Amy for helping to spread the words about Herpes - that is 'Don't Panic'. Excellent job. About 'serious consequences' - dudes have you read the warning labels on everyday medicines. They're enough to scare the pants off you, yet we take them anyway. It's not about what could happen - it's about what's *likely* to happen,

Amy - there was , shall we say, a Herpes situation a while back in my life and at that point you couldn't test if you had it or not if you had HSVI.

That was a moral dilemma, let me tell you. My experience - people actually react kindly when you tell them you've been exposed to genital herpes.

Paulo I am sorry to say that you started this round of hostilies between you and Amy. Your opening line was hostile and in your face. If you were in a bar in real life, I do believe you would get your ass kicked. You could have been polite in your disagreement, but you weren't. Also as Antonia notes above, if I printed out the worst case scenario for every OTC medication I take, it would pretty much look like your post. The question before us is one of degree. No one doubts that those are possibilities, but they are extreme possibilities. My advice to you for and JJ to let it go.

When I was three to four years old, herpes became an extreme worry of mine. I had seen/overheard some tidbits of information, in commercials with dancing viruses on lips, tossed facts between adults, etc. Due to anxiety, I would chew on my lips and insides of my mouth until the point they were chapped and bleeding. I was absolutely terrified I had herpes sores on my mouth. (Making me chew on the sides of my mouths and lips more...a horrible cycle)

It actually completely terrified my young mind that I had some how contracted some strange virus by sharing chapsticks or something that I would then would transfer to anyone I would kiss in the forever future. How would I ever get married to the prince of my imagination, if he knew?

(Of course, it was all in my head. I didn't have herpes)

I wish in this column that Amy would have included a paragraph going into more detail about how likely her secret is probably why she's feeling uncomfortable and likely the reason he's uncomfortable.

But her research on herpes is sound. And I applaud her ability to state facts and statistics without attempting to scare the bejeezus out of anyone with an ingrown hair on their genitals.

JJ.

If you had done the research Amy has - and I don't question that at all - you'd not back a cut/paste job as superior.

"Do you think he knows I have herpes?"

Sure, it's on the bathroom wall. It's on Facebook. They're talking about it on The View (Guinan is on your side). Castle and Beckett are trying to find out where you got it, and Beckett's sure it's Castle. Inigo Montoya is remembering disturbing things about his father as he seeks revenge. But get this: no matter what someone has heard or read about you, it doesn't beat your own story. Figure out what you want to say and then say it when you think it's going to be OK. If it's not, then fight through the hurt long enough to figure what to do next, differently.

There are enough timid people. Don't be one.

I have herpes...the face kind, not the 'down there' kind. The first breakout I got was on the side of my face, when I was a baby. No, I wasn't a slutty ass baby. What happened was, somebody with a cold sore gave the cute baby a kiss. My mom thinks it was my grandma.

That's right. I got herpes from my grandma.

I agree with the others who point out that STDs carry stigma and we love to judge and hate on those who are so 'careless' as to catch them. Our parents were also 'careless' enough to get pregnant and give birth to many of us.

So everybody chill the f out. It's not that bad. It's not a death sentence. The antiviral drugs work really well, too, so even though it is, it doesn't even really feel like forever!

The worst part is waiting an hour in the dermatologists office while he gives the rich ladies their botox just so you can get the damn prescription.

As for the LW, the issue is that she's not taking the right steps to get into a real relationship with this guy. Also, if it is the case that the dude knows she has herpes and that's why he's not going 'all the way' with her, then his science isn't exactly sound, because I'd bet dollars to donuts that he's got his mouth, hands, etc. all over her jams.

All it takes is a kiss on the cheek. Just ask grandma.

Paolo speaks first in the conference room...

"I haven’t informed any of my partners about my ‘crusty little secret’,"

Then you are a shitty piece of humanity.

I have herpes. Big deal. I got it when I was 20, and haven't had an outbreak in years.

I got it from an asymptomatic person who didn't know he had it...pretty classic.

I have also told every prospective partner that I had it before we got naked, and it was never a big deal. We just used protection, and they appreciated the honesty.

I have a daughter, and my doctor said that herpes is so common, and that a C-section carries risks, too, so they only recommend a C-section if the mother is having an active infection when in labor. I wasn't so I had her normally, and we were all fine.

Once I was able to get past the stigma and realize that I am still me, and that sex isn't over, I started to forget I even have it. Most of the time I don't even think of it.

A guy in Mass died from a rabid bat bite.

I'm saving my angst for the serious things in life. Rabid bats.

Amy kicks ass.
You don't have to agree with her; don't come on here just to be a bitch.
What Radwaste said, also.

"According to the CDC 1 in 5 women (14 to 49 years of age) already have the virus..." and... "Around 80% of the population has oral herpes". So what you're saying, assuming that women are 50% of the population, is that 140% of the male population has herpes. Bitter much, or just bad at math?

"If the LW ever infects her partner she can always play innocent by pretending to be outraged and blame him on catching herpes before he met her. Which is a very plausible scenario that actually happens frequently."

Wow. I agree with momof4. Not only does this immoral person not tell, she/he even suggests turning it around, acting all outraged, and making their partner believe THEY were the herpes carrier. What an asshole!

Kudos to Amy for so well balanced piece on herpes.

To Paolo and JJ:

It never helps to express to a goddess even a hint of doubt in her wisdom.

To LW:

Does it make sense to hate men so much? --- that's the question you need to ponder first.

Ahh, it is the 21st century ---
47 years olds rage like they are 15.

Are you having a nervous breakdown or something? You'd corroborated the same information in response to Paulo and now you're refuting it - because it's from the Mayo Clinic and you obviously don't know what that is. Because you have no background in science, medicine or research of any kind. Still you're perfectly willing to insult the intelligence and integrity of anyone that you doesn't agree with you.

Amy clearly knows what the Mayo Clinic is. What she said was that she hadn't researched how reliable it was for its online information, which is a wise point of view to anyone who isn't inclined to blindly accept appeals to authority.

This reminds me of the debate about the number of Iraqis killed in the war published in Lancet. "But it's Lancet" or "But it's peer-reviewed" was raised as a defense of the study. This is hilarious to anyone who knows how much crap gets through peer review into highly respected journals every day. Either the work is good or flawed on direct evaluation of its merits, which is exactly what Amy does.

Ok- My bf (of 10 years) has herpes- he got it about 20 years ago from his first girlfriend (I dont know how she got it) I dont have it even after 10 years because he was honest and we use PROTECTION -he takes the drugs we use condoms and I'm fine! And yes I have been tested!! What Amy wrote is spot on- I did the research too! Now Mere Mortal didnt I mention once in a previous colomn that you needed therapy?? Yes the letter writer is unethical- If he hadnt told me and I had contracted it I would have been irate because he made a CHOICE not to tell me- which takes away MY CHOICE to protect myself. LW he deserves to know! Now in response to her question- why do you care that he hasnt pushed for sex if you are not ready to have sex with him????

To further explain myself, and to also sort of do a 180 from my previous comment, "sound medical advice" changes ALL THE TIME! One year something is perfectly safe and maybe even good for you, the next year all the "respected authorities" who told us that say "oops, it actually gives you cancer, my bad". Do be careful where you get any of your information. But the LW didn't write for medical advice, she wrote to ask why the dude doesn't want to bang her. So yeah, paulo, JJ, and mere mortal can suck it. Amy is right. And for some reason that hurts their feelings.

His princess, have you ever considered not using protection and just getting it? I ask that because I think if I was in a stable relationship of 10+ years with a man I loved - and wasn't planning on being out there single again - I'd probably chuck the condoms and just risk contracting herpes. I can't imagine having to always use protection in a long-term relationship.

To me, the real stigma of herpes is when you're single because people do judge, or reject those who have it.

How do other women feel? If it was your husband of many years, would you risk herpes so you could enjoy unprotected sex?

Mere Mortal is another mature one like paulo -- evidenced on other threads here.

..and yet again.

@Chelsey what is it that I should be sucking??

I have the sense that some of the ladies here are being blinded by their allegiance to the sisterhood. You're all free to Google my past posts ( site:advicegoddess.com paulo ). You'll see that Amy's conviction that I'm a worthless POS derives from nothing that would warrant that assessment.

The reason that I don't take any of this personally is that it's evident that her behavior is reflexive. She's like a cat with a ball.

A striking example of this is in her responses to the reviewers of her book on Amazon.com. She has berated anyone who has raised any criticism of her methods or conclusions and accuses them of engaging in a conspiracy against her ( yes really! ). That sort of behavior is almost unprecedented for writers on Amazon. It's likely that she has severely damaged sales of her book because she can't seem to restrain herself from vindictively lashing out at critics.

Amy is your classic wounded narcissist. She sees every disagreement as a status competition and so attempts to degrade people rather than engage them. This why she assumes that I am motivated by the same status anxiety, when in reality I simply don't like bullies. But if she'll leave me alone, then I'll stop responding to her. Let's see if she can do that.

First: Yes! The LW has a moral (and in some states a LEGAL) obligation to tell this guy she has an STD before they have sex... As we say Down South: well, duh-huh!

Second: If she's putting it out there, and he ain't taking it, then he's either a closet gay, a eunuch, or a neurotic - or a combination of the three. I'm an old fart (50+). In my relatively long life, I have known a few (make that, exactly 2!) straight guys with low sex drives, who really didn't care about getting laid all that often. But most average guys will go for it if there is a > 0.1% probability of getting laid. Serve it up on a silver platter, and it's an offer he won't refuse!

Finally: Check out his arms... if one bicep is 3X larger than the other, then he is too happy playing The Lone Ranger / Hand Solo for a healthy adult sexual relationship. Guys will play the organ grinder during a dry spell, but only nutjobs spank the monkey by choice.

Amy,

I only recently discovered your blog (lucky you!), thanks to Glen Reynolds @ InstaPundit, so I don't know the "history" of your "regular" commenters. But, I see nothing factually incorrect in your posts about herpes, so ignore the barbarians at the gates. Some pathetic people live to stir up shit on the Internet...

Hi LS, I wanted to comment on the chucking of condoms idea. I have herpes, and have for 15 years. I have been honest with every partner since then. My first husband did opt to throw away condoms, and he did get herpes from me after about a year. However, after the first outbreak, he considered it no big deal. He passed away about a year later (unrelated causes, lol).

I am now remarried, and my current husband has also opted to throw away condoms and take his chances. After 3+ years, he is still herpes free.

The attitude of both of them is - It is no big deal, and I would rather risk a minor annoyance for better sex....typical guys. ;P

Micki: I am now remarried, and my current husband has also opted to throw away condoms and take his chances. After 3+ years, he is still herpes free.

My Wife found out last year that she has HPV - probably from her EX, who was a big-time lying adulterer. We've been together 7+ years, no condoms, and I'm still disease-free. IME, the hysteria is far worse than the condition...

It is no big deal, and I would rather risk a minor annoyance for better sex....typical guys.

Ahhhh... y'all love us for it, and you know it!

Amy: I held out for a great guy (a really ethical and sweet guy) and I'm sweet to him and he's wonderful to me.

Congratulations!! Some things are worth waiting for.

I married young - right out of college. We tried to make it work, but were fundamentally incompatible.

I was much more careful, the second time around!

"If it was your husband of many years, would you risk herpes so you could enjoy unprotected sex?"

I can't see a lot more enjoyment in unprotected sex. Condoms ahve never bothered me. My hubby and I don't use them anymore as I've been fixed, but I rather wish we did. I don't enjoy oozing his leavings for a day or two afterwards every time. So no, if I were with a man and not trying to get preggers from him and he was infected, I would not toss the condoms. Plus, divorces and breakups happen.

""According to the CDC 1 in 5 women (14 to 49 years of age) already have the virus..." and... "Around 80% of the population has oral herpes". So what you're saying, assuming that women are 50% of the population, is that 140% of the male population has herpes. Bitter much, or just bad at math?"

I think she's saying the first stat is for herpes (genital) and the second stat is for oral herpes. So, no 140% of men needed.

Amy, I want you to know that I love your column and appreciate your hard work in providing the kick in the ass people need at times. Also, I did buy your book and several copies to give to friends and family. They all loved it.

Thanks for sharing your story, Micki. Do you think the difference in your first husband getting it so quickly and your second not getting it yet at all could be due to improved medications? I assume if you rarely have an outbreak the chances are much lower?

"I don't enjoy oozing his leavings for a day or two afterwards every time."

A day or two? That's impressive! No wonder you have 4 kids (sorry, couldn't resist). But seriously, I've never oozed more than an hour or two, and I think my guy has some pretty abundant leavins' (it really needs to be "leavins'" for full effect, at least for us southern folk).

I was given oral herpes on a date with a man who went out with me because he wanted to get closer to my friend whom he was actually interested in. He knew he had an active outbreak and kissed me anyway. I missed three weeks of work and at one point I had over a hundred cold sores on my face and was told that it looked like I was melting. If someone ever gives me the other kind, I will kill them. Literally.

I was infected my my ex husband when I was pregnant with my first child. They were careful to examine me during labor to be sure I did not have an outbreak. I did not so I did not have a C section. I did not have one with my second child either.

I am not at all thrilled to have herpes but it is what it is. I have had it for 2 decades and there have never been any serious problems and I have not had an outbreak for over 10 years.

When I was dating I had always disclosed, always. I got reactions from a man literally jumping back wards and almost running out the door. He had to come back for his coat which I was holding by the door. I have also had men say, oh no big deal so do I. When I ask when they were going to tell me it becomes clear they were not going to tell me. There is verbal stumbling around, some time things like - I was going to tell you tonight after a few false starts.

Then there is my current man who looked me in the eye and said I don't care that you have herpes, I do not have it so I need to look into it to find out how to protect myself. We had a discussion because I have educated myself on the subject over the years. I let him know if we became intimate I would need a couple of weeks for the virus suppression drugs to be at full force. We talked about how you can still shed virus when you are not having an outbreak. We talked about condoms and oral sex and everything. He went to his doctor and talked to him about it. We are together and it looks like this one is a keeper.

BTW- from my research and my doctor's research I would say what AMY has posted is correct. There are always rare secondary things that can come up. But they are rare.

The letter writer is a thoughtless little twit. She should not be playing around to the point where they do everything but intercourse without disclosing she has Herpes. That conversation should have happened a long time ago.

"The letter writer is a thoughtless little twit. She should not be playing around to the point where they do everything but intercourse without disclosing she has Herpes. That conversation should have happened a long time ago. "

This.

We use condoms for a variety of reasons- one being that i had a pour reaction to birth control and well...but even though most people dont have serious side effects I really cant say as I want to have it. And unlike some men condoms dont bother him so he would rather keep me from having the inconveniance.

Do any of your mutual friends know you have herpes? If so, he knows because they told him. I certainly would.

I'd go condom-free for a husband in that situation, but not for a boyfriend, no matter how long we were together.

He's stopped short of having full-blown intercourse with me, which I find odd, although I don't want to have sex yet . . . Maybe he just isn't interested in me romantically and doesn't want me getting too attached.

Or maybe he's stopped short of intercourse with you because he's picking up on the fact that you don't want to have sex (yet) with him.

Thank you NicoleK

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My best friend (now deceased) contracted herpes from a long-term boyfriend who lied and told her a sore was an ingrown hair, which she chose to believe. Fortunately, med kept her outbreaks well-controlled, and she was able to give birth twice without transmitting the virus to either child or her (now ex) husband.

Interesting how the information changes over time. When I was in high school and they were attempting to terrorize us into abstinence, it was taught that those with herpes could not transmit the virus unless they were actively outbroken.

I think the bigger issue is the betrayal. Not telling someone you have a disease that can be transmitted to them is horrible in my book.
The complications from herpes for one person may not be another person's experience but that really is moot because if a person knowingly has a disease and spreads it to me that relationship would be over. It is huge thing to not disclose.

lm,

I once got a genital wart on my lip. I knew where it came from. I lived in the Philippines for two years. I had a lot of fun in the Philippines. An anti-viral cream cleared it up. That was 30 years ago. Actually, the newer creams don't work like the old ones did.

The old formula for Blistex has been discontinued.

@Amy .. don't let the idiots get to you. Internet's full of them. Never wrestle with a pig, as they say; you just get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.

I have genital herpes contracted over 15 years ago from my then girlfriend now wife. When it was time to bring it up (pre-skin on skin foreplay) and in fact she educated me well on the issue. I did not care at the time and still do not. We used condoms, dental dams, etc etc but somewhere along I picked it up. I have many more outbreaks than her (stress I think) but choose not to medicate.

Bigger fish to fry in the world, I think.

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