probably any issues with me

Correction LW, "definitely".

I've told my stories about my ex-gf friends before, so I won't bore everyone again. But for me, the acid test is - do you three of you socialise together, and does it feel comfortable? If she's keeping him away from you, it *might* indicate latent feelings (or she might just be trying to spare yours). If not, I'd say you've got nothing to worry about.

It's worked for me a few times, but two of them can't be in the same room with each other. Clash of their personalities, nothing to do with me!

I've had occasional concerns about the men in my partner's life, but I've concluded that they're an important outlet-- ie, "Emotional Tampons" who can defuse her issues, so I don't have to be her whipping boy.
I appreciate that, so I take good care of them.

J-man, have you ever heard of a "bullpen"? Do you suppose these fellows would imagine their insertions in her life to be, um, a matter of hygienic grooming?

When a man and a woman are tight "friends" for a long time, one of them is angling.

I feel she believes what she says about their friendship, but part of me worries that she's still in love with him but not aware of it.

Jesus H. Macy. Funny how such patronizing talk stems from such crippling insecurity in people. Yes, "Second Best," she may still have romantic feelings for her ex and is just using you to keep in girlfriend shape for when he wants her back. But you don't know, do you? Because you haven't actually let yourself think about your relationship beyond if she likes him more than you, have you? A good way to get a decent, emotionally healthy woman to leave is to act like you aren't good enough for her and are expecting her to elbow you into the path of a speeding semi to get to another guy.

So invest in a timeshare spine and act like the kind of boyfriend you think the ex was to her. Then you'll find out if she is a decent, emotionally healthy woman and if your relationship is any good. Don't choose the invertebrate, sad-sack adventure and go the self-fulfilling "I always knew she'd throw me over for him" prophecy route.

> So invest in a timeshare spine

Stealing that.

My wife has remained close friends with her first boyfriend and lover. It's never bothered me and I have no reason to suspect there is anything other than friendship in their relationship. LW should relax and not let the green-eyed monster consume him.

Girlfriend should dump the letter writer. Nobody has to eradicate any portion of their past to make another more recent addition feel comfy. The letter writer wants to isolate his girlfriend from her support network. I'm not a huge fan of the 'all men are abusive cads' thing, but wanting to have the woman in your life all to yourself is not healthy for either party. An emotionally healthy woman will see this behavior for the red flag that it is and run screaming for the hills.

Thank you, Amy -finally someone gets it. I am friends with my ex 6.5 years post divorce - and that is it - friends. How refreshing to have someone say that it is OK. We have known each other over 30 years, why should I have to give up that long standing of a friend? Our marraige didn't work; our friendship does. End of story.

Wow. Maybe I'm the only unsophisticated one here, but c'mon . . . "he's her go-to guy for her problems," "one of their long phone chats" - either he's still on her radar or he's gay.

If its not the latter, I'd be wary.

"he's her go-to guy for her problems," "one of their long phone chats - either he's still on her radar or he's gay."

True, but remember that this is filtered through "Second Best's" lens, so we can't be sure that he's reporting what is actually happening. He may have blown it all out of proportion because of his insecurity.
It would be interesting to hear what Girlfriend and Ex have to say about it. Could be very much what Jane had to say above!

But, this "two-topia" -- the notion that one person will meet your every emotional, sexual, and career counseling need (while leading you in a killer ashtanga workout) -- is actually an impossible ideal.

This! This this this this this this THIS.

I'm still friends with my ex (together 4.5 years, lived together 2.5 years, broken up for about 3 years). We have a long phone chat about once a month and text/e-mail much more than that. My current BF is cool with it -- in fact, he's friends with his ex. He even sends her hand-written letters (which I think is sweet) because she doesn't have a computer.

My current boyfriend is more physically, romantically, sexually and emotionally compatible with me than my ex EVER was. But he also thinks current events and politics are boring, wheres my ex lives and breathes that stuff. And, sometimes, I can't wait to call my ex and discuss at length the events of the day with him -- he's smart, analytical, and I value his opinion. Whereas my boyfriend would be like, "What's a Ron Paul? Isn't he that drag queen?"

Amazing. Ru Paul is one of my heroes. I'm going to have to try that technique. I tried false lashes once, and it ended badly.

a friend-plus! -- who you love more than a typical friend but who you don't love naked (or don't love naked anymore).

Hehe. In the case of my important exes, there isn't one I wouldn't like to see naked again. But as grown up human beings they all know we made each other miserable before and we're not going back. Certainly not throwing away a good current thing over it. But yes, I still love them, as I do a with a female friend I've never had any interest in in that way. I like the "friend-plus" description.

"When a man and a woman are tight "friends" for a long time, one of them is angling" Crid

And both of them know it!

Anyone else notice that all the posters gushing about their friendships with their exes are women? Just sayin'.

personally, I dont hold on to exs. I dont call them, or keep their email addresses, I actually very very rarely even bump into one around town. It would make me uncomfortable. Same as my husband getting too chummy with his ex wife would really upset me. I am all for friends and sharing and having other people in your life who supplement but I draw the line where there was sex involved.

And as for the assertion that one person cant be pretty much everything you need... my husband and I have been together for 4 years, and he is still my best friend. When he is not deployed (military) we do everything together and love it (I guess we are both kinda clingy, but it works for us). There is some supplementing with friends, but there is very very little in my life that he doesnt fill, and that works well for us.

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss the LW's concerns. He's the one who's observed their behavior, not us. If he sees a reason to be concerned, it may be entirely justified. There's a big difference between maintaining a friendship with an ex and adoring the hell out of one. And it reads as though she's acknowledged to him that she's still attracted to the ex, and that it was the ex who instigation the end of their relationship.

"And sure, if your girlfriend has a BFF, you'd prefer it to be somebody named Melanie, whose interests run the gamut from shoes to shoes. "

Kind of sounds like that's what she has. Just sayin'. LW, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Before I got married I thought that I was friends with my exes in a plutonic way, now I know I was keeping the door open.

You beat me to it, Amy.
(No offense, Nicole K :) I really enjoy your posts.)

I agree with lola. The point of romantic relationships such as these is that you are each others go-to person. I'm not a religious person, but I've always like the biblical admonition to cleave unto the spouse and no other.

This isn't to say a person can't have friends outside their romantic relationships, but unless both of you made very clear arrangements, your emotional intimate attention should be to your partner.

"When a man and a woman are tight "friends" for a long time, one of them is angling."

Usually true. All depends on the reasons for the breakup. LW needs to ask his girlfriend why she and the ex broke up. If she decided the sex was awful and/or he'd become physically unattractive to her, then there's nothing to worry about. She'll never go back there. But if he dumped her, she may still be hanging on. Women usually have a hard time accepting that a guy who once proclaimed his love doesn't feel that way for them anymore.

The best male/female friendships are between people that no one can imagine ever having sex together. If they don't pass this litmus test, there's probably still a sexual spark smoldering on somebody's part.

And exs did once have sex together, so these are trickier than other opposite gender friendships. In general, if a guy found a woman hot enough to sleep with once, he probably still does...unless she's gained a lot of weight. If LW's girlfriend has packed on 50 pds since the breakup, they're probably just friends.

"Nobody has to eradicate any portion of their past to make another more recent addition feel comfy."

Nobody HAS to, but it's still a good idea.

Second Best: if he said he wanted to be with her after all, I suspect I'd be dumped fast

If you honestly feel that way, then MOVE ON. If you stay, then you'll be a bitter clinger, and that won't work for either of you long-term...

To quote The King:

We can't go on together
With suspicious minds
And be can't build our dreams
On suspicious minds

This girlfriend was me when I met my now-husband. I was still chummy with the ex, and definitely not because I hoped for any rekindling. We'd been high school sweethearts, and very long story short, shared a part of my life that very few outside of family did. He felt like family to me -- definitely nonsexual.

test

test

The Girlfriend is comfortable enough and doesn't appear to hiding anything. 8 months is a pretty short period to be dating and dictating, if the new guy is uncomfortable as to how she handles friendships with an ex. It probably isn't she who should change her company it is him.
Sounds like she would still be friends.