so I'm thinking of asking out this girl at the gym by giving her my card and telling her to call me if she wants to do something sometime

LW, let me run this through my Pathetically Shy-to-English translator: "I'm thinking of asking out this girl at the gym by asking her to ask me out, and in a passive, roundabout way at that, because if I strap on some balls and perform the superhuman feat of asking a woman for coffee and I get rejected, my face will melt off like I looked inside the Ark of the Covenant." Please stop putting the "pathetic" into "shy." Any woman you get that responds to your proposed routine is not one who will be good for you.

**I just clicked over here from the blog item about the man with the mail-order bride, and the ad at the side is for a site called Dating Asian Woman. The tagline: 10000 carefully Verified Chinese Women Seeking Love (capitalization theirs). Intuitive ads are hilarious.

I had trouble asking women out too, until I realized something: if she turns me down, it's not personal. It CAN'T BE PERSONAL because she doesn't know me well enough to dislike me personally, to dislike me for any but superficial reasons (I wear glasses for instance, or I'm just under 6' tall). So if she said "No", her loss. My wife could tell her about what a great guy the other girls missed out on.

The type that will respond positively to this approach is not the type this guy is after.

Nope. A guy giving me his card and telling me to call him sometime might as well toss his card in the trash cause that's where it's going. Suck it up, ask her for coffee, and for God's sake don't cry if she says no. Few women want a man with smaller balls than she herself already has.

Agreed -- I don't think handing the girl a business card counts as a win-win. Think of the likely reactions from the girl:

- She'll think the LW is weirdly awkward, not charmingly shy: "Thanks for the card! I presume it's a one-way ticket to your twisted, evil laboratory."

- She'll think the LW is arrogant: "Well, of course, thanks ever so much for condescending to give me your card, I'm just dying to wait on hold while all the other girls are calling you!"

And so forth. Way on down the list is the chance she might actually call, in which case it's safe to assume she's as desparate for company as the LW seems to be. And while she might, just might, prove to be an undiscovered treasure, chances are good that LW will find out why nobody calls her.

I'd assume he was networking for business purposes, and would call him if I needed to hire his business.

Most gym's have a coffee shop. Why not suggest that the two of you go for coffee sometime after working out?

NumberSix nailed it...handing a woman a card is basically asking her to ask you out. Bad move.

And I'm a sucker for a good Ark of the Covenant reference. Thanks for that :)

No. No. No. No. No. Stop. Don't do this. Seriously.

In addition to all of the above possibilities, she might think you're trying to sell something. Use business cards for business reasons.

Chat her up. You know she's interested in fitness, so spring from there. Invite her to coffee. If your gym is like mine, it has a smoothie bar.

I once turned down a guy in a bar because I'm married and he was too young anyway. I turned him down politely, and he said, "Well, I had to try." I thought that was charming, and I'm sure he went on to charm the pants off some recent college graduate. If she says no, you can say the same thing, then go back to your workout.

Even if she says no, I guarantee she will be flattered. If she's a raging bitch about it, then consider yourself lucky. You got to know her without having to waste your money on a smoothie.

This woman does not know you. She will not know you unless you work up the nerve to talk to her and ask her out. I do not know if you have talked to her at all, but I have gotten to know many people at the gym. Men and women and some have become friends and a couple I have dated.

MonicaP is right, you can chat about fitness, you can ask about other things she does outside the gym to stay fit, who knows you might find a common interest, and a stop at the smoothie or juice bar is the next step. Or if there is no juice bar coffee.

When I man offers me his card I figure he is trying to sell me something. I never think he is interested in me as a woman. If I turn a man down when he asks me out, the reasons have more to do with me. He may be younger than I am comfortable with. Sometimes I am seeing someone. Sometimes I am getting over a break up and not dating yet. It is rarely about the man who asks me out, it is usually reasons that only have to do with me.

Right now you can do one of three things; Nothing and always wonder what could have been, hand her your card and wait for her to call and she will not because she wants to be asked out not handed a card or ask her out and find out if she is available and interested.

Are you already talking to her? If you aren't, start with that; there are good suggestions above. Starting a conversation with her will be easier than asking her out, and you can tell a lot by her reactions to just talking to you. If she's friendly, it will be easier to eventually ask her to get a cup of coffee or something with you. If she's not even friendly to talk to, you have your answer.

Lw...I handed out my card two weeks ago to a woman who had been smiling at me. I would have had the same results if I had set it on fire. Dont go there Try some small steps first. Smile at strangers. Make random comments to people in line not necessarily women. You ll see that 1 in 5 Appreciate you and you ll gain confidence. Then with your new confidence pick five girls in your daily routine to smile and make eye contact with. Even the best charmers get blown off 4 out 5 times. That's okay. Its not personal. But the one who smiles back at you, that's personal

The gym is a great place to practice talking to flirting with strangers. Lots of people and you can start with smiling and saying hi, then move up to more conversational type stuff. If you go at a regular time you are likely to run into the same people repeatedly. Hmm yet another reason why I need to get back to the gym :).

LW,

Just remember this, many women think they are merely having pleasant conversation with a man while the man thinks they are flirting, by talking and smiling at them. A woman who likes you but is in someway unavailable will be flattered you asked even if she has to turn you down.

A woman who acts offended or rude if you ask her out is someone you are better off not knowing.

Even if you never ask her out, start talking to her, learn to get to know a woman and the shyness will be less. It will never completely go away, but it will be less. Just remember do not talk about religion or politics, that comes much, much later!

someone once said, "It's better to live with rejection than with regret" so go for it!
But Ladies, Please stop wearing those earplugs! How can a guy toss out a clever comment for you to hear if you're listening to the soundtrack of your life? and when I make a clever comment I hate to her a women blurt ou t,"huh? what'd you say?"

someone once said, "It's better to live with rejection than with regret" so go for it!
But Ladies, Please stop wearing those earplugs! How can a guy toss out a clever comment for you to hear if you're listening to the soundtrack of your life? and when I make a clever comment I hate to her a woman blurt out,"huh? what'd you say?"

"It's better to live with rejection than with regret"

Another saying is that "it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission", but that's really bad in this context...

I agree the card thing doesn't work. Tried it a couple of times and nada. But ladies, it's not always about gutlessness - from our point of view we've made it clear we're interested and we're giving you the option.

For instance, I met a girl once when I nipped out of a concert for a smoke. We chatted for a few minutes then intermission was over. I was there with my mother so asking her out for coffee then and there wasn't really an option. To me it seemed more polite to give her my number and say I'd like to see her than ask for hers. So that's what I did.

Ok, it doesn't work. But it wasn't about getting her to ask me out.