Carpy Diem
My boyfriend and I are college juniors, happily together 10 months and living together for five. An article I read said it's healthy to argue with your partner, and I got a little worried. We sometimes bicker about what to watch on TV, but one of us quickly gives in, and that's it. It does bug me that he's chronically late and his car is filled with dirty cups, random CDs, empty wrappers, etc., but I basically just shrug this stuff off. He seems to do likewise with stuff I do that bugs him. Are we both just really easygoing? I worry that we may be missing some passionate connection.
--Drama-Free
Of course "Romeo and Juliet" is the great love story of all time. What were they, 14? Self-assertion doesn't cause much conflict when you don't have all that much self to assert -- like when you're in the primordial personswamp of your early 20s. Just consider the sort of questions that you, as a couple sharing a life in the edu-womb, are forced to gnash over: Jell-O shots or beer pong? Cup Noodles or Top Ramen? Why was "Arrested Development" canceled? If the universe disappeared, would the rules of chess still exist?
Sure, even now, you may be faced with one of the big relationship-crushing issues like money problems, forcing one of you to call your dad and then go out in the pouring rain to the ATM. But, later in life, when the issue may be which of you stands in the rain with your stuff the sheriff put out on the lawn, the arguing itself isn't what breaks you up. In fact, it is important to engage and hash out your issues so they don't burrow in. What seems to matter is how you treat each other when you aren't disagreeing, in all the seemingly unimportant little moments.
Psychologist Dr. John Gottman, who does some of the best research on why marriages succeed and fail, calls this the "emotional bank account model" of relationships. He writes in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
At the moment, your biggest problem is that you two don't really have any problems. This is what's called a First World problem -- like "I don't have enough counter space for all of my appliances" or "I have to walk through the living room of this $350 hotel suite to get to the bathroom." It could be that you're both easygoing, or that you're starter people in a starter relationship, or that you've yet to reach your poo-flinging, death-glaring annoyance threshold. Perhaps just try to enjoy yourselves instead of worrying that nothing's ripping you apart -- tragic as it is that you're far too content together to have hate sex.
Even big problems don't have to rip people apart if you remind yourselves and each other that you're on the same team.
In the last three years, my husband and I dealt with the deaths of both my parents, three of his grandparents, three of my cousins and our dog; I had a miscarriage; I lost my job; his job got ridiculously stressful; and other family stuff too extensive to go into detail here. During this time, I changed my mind about having kids. We had agreed before we married that we would have one or two, but I was worn out taking care of the family I had. These things could have ended our relationship, but we both realized this was just a really hard time, and if we hung in there, the boat would right itself.
Things get bad when you start blaming each other for your problems.
I think relationships are strongest when people argue in the same way. Pairing a drama queen/king with an easygoing person creates a lot of frustration for both people.
MonicaP at May 8, 2012 7:11 AM
Get the book His Needs Her Needs, read it, do the questionnaire (without adding your own needs--the one flaw in the process) and discuss honestly.
I also think the point is that arguing for the sake of arguing is not good for a relationship, but arguing instead of bottling up genuine issues may be better, though other studies have found that in many successful marriages, the couple do bottle things up. My take is that it all depends on your personalities and expectations, and referencing my previous point, what your psychological needs are.
Joe at May 8, 2012 7:26 AM
Romeo and Juliet died and left a trail of blood in their wake, so to hell with them.
If you're easygoing thats AWESOME.
I know too many people who pick each other apart over stupid stuff.
NicoleK at May 8, 2012 8:40 AM
"But, later in life, when the issue may be which of you stands in the rain with your stuff the sheriff put out on the lawn, the arguing itself isn't what breaks you up."
"Perhaps just try to enjoy yourselves instead of worrying that nothing's ripping you apart -- tragic as it is that you're far too content together to have hate sex."
Awesome lines. Classic Amy Alkon. If the biggest problem in your relationship is that you don't have anything to argue about, then things are going pretty good.
Mike Hunter at May 8, 2012 11:22 AM
Looks like a classic case of female-itis to me ... one of the symptoms is, "if there's nothing obviously wrong in our relationship, I have to look for something to be wrong". Espisodes often seem to occur after reading a magazine article about relationships.
Lobster at May 8, 2012 1:41 PM
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a tragedy. The easy way to know is that Shakespeare always kills the transgressors off at the end of a tragedy.
I will get off my English Nerd Soapbox now.
*****I think relationships are strongest when people argue in the same way. Pairing a drama queen/king with an easygoing person creates a lot of frustration for both people.*****
And this is gospel truth right here.
Daghain at May 8, 2012 6:44 PM
Not arguing with your partner tends to indicate that both people have a good way of dealing with conflicts. There is nothing wrong with *not* having arguments. My personal experience after 20 years of marriage: We have occasionally been mad at each other, but we have never had a classic yelling-and-throwing-things argument.
Many years ago I read an article about how partnerships are affected by the way the people deal with conflicts. There were basically two types of people:
- People who took a point of conflict and kept raising the stakes, eventually working their way into full-blown arguments over even trivial things. "You left your dirty socks in the living room, you are such a pig." "You should talk, the way you..."
- People who tried to reduce the stakes. Before you criticize your partner, take a deep breath and tone it down. If you are really angry, take a walk first and calm down instead of yelling. "Hey, could you put your socks away please?"
According to the article, the most successful, long-lasting partnerships tend to consist of two people in the latter category. Note that this is a behavior that can be learned, and in fact is taught in conflict-resolution classes.
a_random_guy at May 8, 2012 10:37 PM
Things get bad when you start blaming each other for your problems.
I think this is a really great way of putting it. And blaming each other can be SUCH an easy habit to slip into.
sofar at May 9, 2012 9:16 AM
A friend once told me that the key to a successful marriage was finding someone whose flaws you could live with.
Steamer at May 9, 2012 9:18 AM
My take on it is "Never marry anyone but your best friend." ever notice how much better you get along with your BFF? How you are more willing to working things our in a mature fashion than go off half cocked or throw a tantrum? Our families get the short end, while friends, aquaintences, even complete strangers get more courteous, polite treatment. Why is that? I believe it boils down to respect, tho I could be wrong.
Kat at May 9, 2012 11:46 PM
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