Stare Way To Heaven
A guy wrote you about a girl he sees at a coffee shop -- a girl he suspects is out of his league. You said the way to know for sure is by asking her out. Bad Advice Goddess! This suggests that he should regard all women with whatever she's got -- like if she's "too beautiful" -- as out of his league. That just isn't right. There's probably a "too beautiful" woman out there who'd go for him.
--Irked
"Sky's the limit!" "You can do anything you set your mind to!" These are fantastically inspiring things to tell a person -- when he's about to enter preschool and you're trying to teach him to use the potty. As an adult, you realize that the sky is not the limit. In fact, you sometimes realize that your life is taking place in the crawl space between the third- and fourth-floor apartments -- or that you'll never get a date, because you are Joe Ordinary but refuse to consider any girl who's less than a 9.95. As for this guy, I didn't advise him to avoid all beautiful women; I told him to stop slobbering into his latte and ask his crushgirl out. A guy who endlessly pines away either hasn't worked through his social awkwardness or is after somebody out of his league -- and knows that -- and pining allows him to pretend he's in the game without risking rejection. Rejection can be a good thing; it tells you where you fall on the "What kind of woman can I get?" scale -- allowing you to either try to improve your mate value or make the required trade-offs to have dates with women you don't have to inflate with a bicycle pump.
*Thanks to longtime reader and commenter Patrick, who asked this question in the comments on another entry.
I've read the original "letter" several times and still can't figure out what the hell the LW is saying. She disagrees with Amy and then agrees with her. So how is the LW irked?
Joe at May 3, 2012 8:27 PM
Yeah, Joe. I don't understand this letter. Amy's advice was to ask her out and find out whether she'll date him. Maybe the "too beautiful" girl WILL go out with him. Maybe not. Only one way to know for sure.
This applies to other areas in life. The only way to know what your limits are is to try to go beyond them. That's the only way to find out what kind of men or women you can attract, what kind of jobs you excel at, etc.
MonicaP at May 4, 2012 12:49 PM
It's not a "she" who wrote this letter. It was me, and Amy took it from the comments section.
I am suggesting that regarding a person as "out of his league," will cause him to compartmentalize every beautiful woman he sees as "out of his league."
Will this perfect 10 give him the time of day? We don't know until he asks her out. If the answer is "No, she will not give him the time of day," does this mean that he should compartmentalize every perfect ten as "out of his league"?
I say, "No, it does not." The late Dr. Albert Ellis, at a venerable age, landed a beautiful woman. How did he do this? By recognizing that asking beautiful women out is a numbers game. Get 1000 nos, or 10,000 nos, you'll eventually get a "yes."
Unless the guy's a total loser with no job and is looking for a meal ticket to support his drug habit, there's no such thing as "out of his league." Maybe there are women in the world who consider themselves as such, because they're so beautiful that they deserve a Bill Gates...or at least a Mitt Romney. But that's their self-perception, not the reality for every perfect 10 in existence.
His chances aren't good, which is why he has to keep asking women out, but by dismissing women as "out of his league," his chances went from "bad" to "non-existent."
Basically, I take issue with the "out of his league" concept.
Patrick at May 6, 2012 12:39 PM
"Basically, I take issue with the "out of his league" concept."
Me too. I know the centerfold probably won't be interested in me, um, completely, but maybe I can be interesting and enjoy her company.
It's surprising what joy can grow from a simple conversation.
And until you communicate, the object of your attention has no idea about you. So Patrick is totally correct!
Radwaste at May 6, 2012 2:50 PM
That makes my second letter that's appeared in Amy's column. The first one was a long time ago...I think she called it "Happily Clever After."
Patrick at May 6, 2012 5:18 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/05/stare-way-to-he-1.html#comment-3178247">comment from PatrickAlways in need of questions from people who are not asking about that boyfriend of theirs who's in jail for armed robbery.
Amy Alkon
at May 6, 2012 5:33 PM
Dear Advice Goddess,
I have this horrible stalking problem, particularly when it comes to red-headed columnists...I just can't help myself. It's like I'm a man possessed, and I have to pursue until I overtake her...and if she rejects me...
Well, I'll have to plead the fifth on that. The bodies haven't been discovered yet.
Patrick at May 7, 2012 8:27 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/05/stare-way-to-he-1.html#comment-3178789">comment from PatrickAwww!
Amy Alkon
at May 7, 2012 9:07 AM
Awww, get a room, you two.
Lori at May 7, 2012 10:58 AM
Here, I'll clean up: Why We Can't Have Nice Things
Radwaste at May 8, 2012 5:52 PM
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