It's thought that about 5% of people have social anxiety disorder:

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001953/

This disorder makes it very difficult for someone to just force themselves into uncomfortable social situations, even if they want to do so.

Forget talking.

Glance at him, and when he makes eye contact quickly look away with a little half-smile and focus on eating the guacamole or talking to your friend or whatever you were doing.

Do this a few times. HE will come to YOU.

Most people are very happy to talk about the most interesting thing in the world, them.

Ask questions. "What do you consider the best thing you ever wrote?" "What would you like to write about if you could do it for yourself and not have to worry about an audience?" "What is the most difficult thing you ever wrote?"

You won't be able to get most people to shut up, and you will quickly gain a reputation as a witty conversationalist.

I have a colleague who is very shy. His wife is, if anything, more so. I asked him how they ever managed to talk enough to get to the dating level. He said that one week everyone else left the office to attend a conference and they were the only two in the building. Then they talked.

I wouldn't recommend this as a pick-up method. Writers can also be reserved or introverted, so Amy is right--push your comfort zone.

What NicoleK said! Be the butterfly, but don't fly away too quickly...

5% have social anxiety disorder? Or are they just introverted?

I don't consider myself socially anxious. I simply prefer being alone. If there's something I'm interested in, I'll talk to anyone. If it's about the weather, or what you had for lunch, or your mother's bursitis, or something similarly vapid, I would prefer that others simply leave me alone.

Amy basically hit the nail on the head with this one.

I don't consider myself "fearful." That's not introversion. And I doubt Greg would consider himself "fearful" of social situations, either.

It's not even necessarily "uncomfortable." It is often boring, sometimes irritating. It's basically wanting someone to shut up and leave you alone when you'd rather be with your own thoughts.

I work well one-on-one or in small groups. Put me in a large function or big crowd, and I'm like an overstimulated 2-year old. It's literally a physical, emotional, and mental drain for me. Two tricks I learned to appear like a normal-functioning adult have already been mentioned above.

1. Smile. I usually just make direct eye contact with the targeted individual, flash a genuine smile, and they will come over to see what I'm all about. Male, female, it doesn't seem to matter. In my experience, people really respond to a gesture of friendliness.

2. Ask him/her a question. People like to talk about themselves, and showing interest can really open-up the floodgates (warning: this can backfire on you, so prepare yourself with a few clever ways to excuse yourself without being rude). I listened to one man talk about his dogs for 30 minutes at one party, just because I commented that he seemed passionate about dogs. Afterward he and his wife became really good friends with me and my ex-husband. One time I scored and met a woman who had studied Anthropology, so we chatted about nerdy anthro-related topics to our hearts' content.

If you're terrified of rejection, then go with Nicole & Flynne's suggestion. If you just glance at him and give him half-smiles, and he doesn't come to you, then you can keep your ego intact by telling yourself that he didn't pick up on your signals.

However, if you can handle the risk of rejection then go with Amy's suggestion (which I would second): take some initiative and strike up a conversation with him.

What would women do if they didn't have social stereotypes to cop out from meeting men? I'd say a lot more than 5% of women have "social anxiety disorder" aka "NO self confidence and NO self esteem".

I was in the grocery today, buying a ten-pound bag of carrots. The woman in line ahead of me figured out what they're for-- My horses!
I now have a new riding partner, because SHE had the self confidence to actually talk to me.

She didn't tell me she's married.
*bubble bursts*

What would women do if they didn't have social stereotypes to cop out from meeting men?

Probably the same thing a lot of men seem to be doing: cowering in the corner and complaining that rejection is just too scary.

LW, you might want to try practicing on people when the stakes are not so high for you. Try people you're not particularly drawn to in stores, waiting in line, etc. If they blow you off, remember that it could be for reasons that have nothing to do with you. They don't know you at all, so it's unreasonable to assume that they've rejected you because of some terrible flaw of yours. That guy in line for stamps might blow you off because he really needs to pee, for all you know.

If you can't solve this problem on your own, therapy can help in situations like this. It'll probably involve putting yourself in situations where you have to talk to new people.

What Meloni describes is being introverted. What the LW describes is being shy.

Two totally different things.

Now for the bizarre, I'm an intensely shy, gregarious introvert. Throws people for a loop. I don't mind socializing up until the point I'm ready to jump out of my skin.

Add to this a deep ambiguity whether I really want another close personal relationship and I've not yet been able to start dating again (since my divorce.)

* * *

She didn't tell me she's married.

Ah. College. Psychology 101 (seriously). Unbelievably cute girl. We start talking. I'm ready to ask her out. Another girl in front of us notices the ring (where I was sitting I couldn't see her hands, though I'm not sure I would have noticed anyway.) She'd gotten married two weeks before!

jefe: What would women do if they didn't have social stereotypes to cop out from meeting men?

Monica: Probably the same thing a lot of men seem to be doing: cowering in the corner and complaining that rejection is just too scary.

Monica, perhaps a lot of men are doing that these days. However, I'd say that most men are willing to put themselves out there far more than most women are.

jefe again: I now have a new riding partner, because SHE had the self confidence to actually talk to me.

The woman I've been seeing since February struck up a conversation with me at an art gallery, asking me about my cowboy boots (she's originally from Austin.) Fortunately, she was divorced.

Monica underestimates the vitriol spewing from some men, mostly at the gym in my experience. They aren't shy, they're angry at women in general. Angry in the sense of "use them and dump them before they dump you." Not a majority, but enough to make me take notice.

Maybe they didn't choose wisely, or the younger generation has more than its share of misanthropes?

It must be tough carrying all that hate around all the time.

It must be tough carrying all that hate around all the time.

I'm often surprised by how angry young people seem to be, especially when nothing outrageously terrible seems to have happened to them, as far as I can suss out. Lack of resilience is a real problem. On one hand, we have those angry young men you mentioned (and the angry women who talk about getting what they can get and getting out), and on the other hand we have people too scared to risk getting hurt. It's a wonder people ever get together anymore.