She's in her late 40s but hits on hot young guys in their early 20s who never reciprocate interest.

Ouch. Does this woman not even know that desperation is NOT pretty? LW, you'd be doing her a big favor if you told her so. Kindly. But she really needs to hear you. I had to tell a friend of mine this very thing, because she was doing this as well, and she shot back at me, "what the fuck do you know?? You already have a hot boyfriend!"

Yes, he's my fiance, and he's 2 years older than me (I'm 54).

Heh. I would so toast this woman's bicuits. I'm 47, but I constantly get hit on by younger guys because I don't look much older than 30-35, and my daughters and I hang out together sometimes (28 and 19, respectively) Which I find highly amusing because my husband is 28. And gorgeous, at least to me.
But beyond looks, I find that attitude and personality matter a whole hell of a lot more. I am a reasonably cynical, sarcastic, confident, goofy and all around friendly person, but I don't radiate the "Pleasepleaseplease like me" beam that this poor thing probably does. (the fact that I'm already married to the best guy in the world is probably why).
Once men get a whiff of desperation they are turned off. Not to to mention the sour-faced Wing-woman sitting there giving off evil I-Don't-Want-To-Be-Here Vibes.
How about next time your friend invites you to a kegger, you just tell her you have to wash your hair? One at a time. Repeatedly. She'll get the hint.

Kat, I think you're an exceptional woman in exceptional circumstances--like my mother and stepfather, with a 16-year age gap. You also are part of a subculture where unconventional pairings are more common.

Most women in their late 40s are NEVER going to find their way into a relationship with a young 20 something. >25 years is an enormous age gap. What's the stage AFTER cougar?

It can't be good for one's self-esteem to hunt in environments where the prey can't be caught.

Moreover, I think it's a big risk for mature women to wear cheap, trendy junior styles. (I'm not talking about basics, like tees and tank tops. I'm talking about the outfits on the mannequins in the window of Wet Seal.) The contrast can have the unintended effect of making you look older. The French have a saying along the lines of "Schoolgirl from the back, museum piece from the front."

Maybe telling her that women who marry younger men die younger than women who marry men their own age?

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,592762,00.html

The thought of her own mortality might shake her. Pat that, some people just have to be dumb, but you don't have to tag along and watch.

My gf tells me she has friends between 43 and 50 who brag that they are getting laid by guys in their 20's.
I don't know , when I was in my twenties the last thing I would be interested in is a woman in her mid-40s to 50s.

Times sure have changed.

I always thought the stage after cougar was snow leopard...

This letter breaks my heart. Thinking you'd like to score with a hot young guy (or gal) isn't unusual. Persisting against all reason and evidence is.

I wonder what is really going on with the girlfriend. I hope she gets her head sorted out. Meanwhile, the LW can at least gently refuse to be part of this behavior.

"My gf tells me she has friends between 43 and 50 who brag that they are getting laid by guys in their 20's."

Getting laid is easy - relationships are hard. What 20-something player doesn't want another cougar to brag on to his guy friends? The issue is getting him to actually go out with you again or have a relationship beyond getting laid. While a wide age-gap relationship can happen, it usually happens when you aren't actively out hunting it down.

Frustrated, taking yourself out of the action - bar and mall - will affect your friend more than any talking. How pathetic you are being hits a lot harder when you're alone.

My straight male friends would bang a hot older woman in a heartbeat.

And one married my best female friend (who is 13 years older).

She's in her late 40s but hits on hot young guys in their early 20s who never reciprocate interest.

Obviously, she's not very hot. If she was, at least some younger guys would be interested.

Is there a kind way to tell her she needs to rethink who she's pursuing?

If she's never getting any interest from these guys she's hitting on, one would think she'll eventually figure it out on her own.

When I was in my twenties, I did not find women twice my age attractive. Now that I am older, either some women are keeping themselves looking younger, or my aged eyes can better appreciate an older woman who stayed fit (and out of the sun).

Regarding young men, perhaps times have changed, but I doubt it. I recently read something that says the age of a man's alleged "mid life crisis" is determined not by when he hits middle age, but rather when his female partner hits menopause.

Some older women can attract much younger men, but it's uncommon. And if she hasn't had any luck so far, she isn't one of those women.

Certainly, one of the problems this woman has is in trying to compete with the younger ladies on their turf, dressing like a 20-something instead of dressing to her own best features, with class and taste. I sew a lot of my own clothes, so I make sure things are tailored and fit me just right.

Another thing, cougars by definition are not looking for relationships, just notches on the bedpost. She's looking for love in all the wrong places.

I didn't set out to marry a younger man. My 1st husband was exactly my age. Second was 14 years older. After him I swore I'd never marry again, just have cats and dogs and horses and fish and snakes and start my own petting zoo. The gods have a really good sense of humor, and sent me my best friend, partner and team-mate, who luckily, was persistent enough to wear down the wall I had built up after failed marriage #2.

If her friend really wants to help her, she could take the lead and start making the plans for their nights out, inviting her to more appropriate venues, introducing her to more age-appropriate men, maybe join a singles club that has events for people like hiking, picnics, dances etc.

"Another thing, cougars by definition are not looking for relationships, just notches on the bedpost."

That is what they say, anyway.

I get hit on by men who are 15 years younger than I am, sometimes 20 years younger. I do look young but not that young. The thing is I am not interested in them. I dated a couple, YAWN, the sex was good, but the conversation - not so much, and even if the conversation was good they were simply not in the same life stage I am in. My kids are grown and gone, I am not interested in helping raise anymore. I am interested in being a very active grandma who takes the kids backpacking and rafting, then sends them home.

She is hitting on men in their 20's. Is she looking for a son? She will find herself raising a boy not dating a man. She needs to get some self confidence and date in her own pool. The young guys are not going to give her a second glance. She needs to be going after at least 35 and above. Frankly she needs to look at men in their late 30's and 40's. BTW - I would say this about a man too.

However before she goes after any men. She needs to take a long look at herself. She needs to figure out why she needs to go after men who are going to reject her. She needs to find some real confidence in herself because always going after men who are going to reject her shows a lack of self worth.

My last question is if you hate all of this why do you continue to go with her? It is easy just say no, I do not enjoy going there. Period. Do not engage in a negotiation and you do not have to explain yourself, all you have to say is no, I do not enjoy going there.

A man in his 40s can connect with a woman in her 20s. Biology is on his side.

Doesn't work the other way around.

A woman in her 40s needs to come to grips with the fact that the only guys that will be reliably attracted to her are 5-15 years older than her.

And men in their 40s have to be pretty damned exceptional (i.e. rich or very strong game) to get the 20-somethings. Otherwise, at best you're looking 5-10 years younger.

Maybe she just likes what she likes, and needs to look for it in more appropriate places .. aren't their websites or something where she can match herself to young guys who really want older women?

As for yourself, you're clearly getting bored by these activities. Maybe this is something to try 'change' or 'fix' ... at least give 'fixing it' a shot, but know when to quit ... at some point it might just be that you need find friends who do things you are interested in doing.

Just because a guy is in his 40s & 50s does not mean he's emotionally mature or interesting to talk to. Every guy is different and it's best to take the time to get to know them as an individual. Also, I've noticed that those same guys that women in their 40s & 50s are supposed to be dating (you know, their own age) are only interested in chasing 20 year olds. They may not get them, but they are focussed on trying to.

I'm lucky enough to have interest from guys across the age spectrum, and my type is hot & young, so I since I have the luxury of choice, I pick those ones. I joke with my friends that I'm a Coug-ee not a Cougar; I don't have to hunt, I just sit and wait for the hotties to come to me.

And since when is a relationship the first thing on a guy's mind when he sees a hot woman?

When I was in my twenties, I did not find women twice my age attractive.

I sure did, Spartee. Not for a relationship, but for sex (or the possibility/fantasy of sex.) I remember two women in particular. One was a waitress at a restaurant where I worked as a busboy and the other was my boss at the U of Minnesota during my final year of college. Both were married so nothing ever happened but I enjoyed flirting with them. The waitress, Gloria -- a slender brunette with gorgeous eyes and a great laugh -- was particularly sexy.

*

Some older women can attract much younger men, but it's uncommon. And if she hasn't had any luck so far, she isn't one of those women.

Exactly, Monica. And even among those older women who can attract much younger men, I'd bet that most can attact the guys for sex, but not for a relationship. If this woman was attractive at all, she would have had some interest by now. One the other hand, the fact that she hasn't had any interest up to now doesn't mean she never will. Maybe the 200th (or 500th) younger guy she hits on will take her up on her offer.

Some older women can attract much younger men, but it's uncommon. And if she hasn't had any luck so far, she isn't one of those women.

Misses the point of what the LW tells us.

She's in her late 40s but hits on hot young guys in their early 20s who never reciprocate interest. Guys her age or older approach her, but she blows them off.

So. for a 47-YO, she's apparently reasonably attractive.

So that out of the way, the big deal is that she's chasing the cute young things. She's not setting the stage for a pursuit by a young thing, she's chasing them, desperately trying salve something.

Guys in their early 20s? It's like a Spidey-sense. "Oooh, desperation." With a cute drunk blond, that's good. With a grandmom? Nazzomuch.

"Also, I've noticed that those same guys that women in their 40s & 50s are supposed to be dating (you know, their own age) are only interested in chasing 20 year olds. "

I think you could just reframe that as "all men are pigs and they only get worse with time".

Personally, I enjoy the company of younger women because they don't rip me a new one for saying "hello" when we're introduced.

Middle-aged women seem to go nuclear when we meet. Maybe they're angry they only took one house and a used Mercedes (the car, not the stripper) from their ex-husband. Maybe they think they're out of my league and how dare I speak to them. Who knows what sets them off. Who cares?

So I try to avoid them. I'd prefer someone in my age group but enough already. Life is short. Be happy.

So that out of the way, the big deal is that she's chasing the cute young things. She's not setting the stage for a pursuit by a young thing, she's chasing them,

Nope, that's not the problem. Most younger guys are not going to turn down an opportunity for sex with a hot older woman simply because she initiates things.

As 47 year old man, although younger woman who are good looking are a pleasure to look at,a woman closer to my age who takes care of herself physically is infinitely more pleasurable to be with forasons.

The last line should read"for many reasons".
Those reasons are life experiences, better sex , and better conversation.

The stage after "cougar" is saber toothed tiger, which is what this prehistoric chick looks like to those young men. A woman has to be pretty darn good looking, along with the genes to remain younger looking in general, if she's going to CONSISTENTLY sleep with or date ATTRACTIVE, much younger guys.

She was forty and my landlady when I worked across the street at a summer school. I was 25 and going back to school in the fall. I still regret not having the money, the proximity, the time to pursue her. I moved to the city and never looked back. That was thirty years ago. Arm in arm with my wife, I bumped into her last autumn. She still looked wonderful to me, but I expect no second chances.

Desperate or whatever, it's just weird. The idea of WANTING someone in his 20's makes me want to hurl. I'm mid-50's. I want a MAN, not a boy. What would we have in common???