Right on, Amy! He needs a bit of normalcy and fun right now, and it's not wrong for him to take a break with his bro sits with mom.

Besides, T.E.N. (tension-easing nookie) is very therapeutic.

but I just don't feel right about it, given his mother's condition.

I'm curious exactly why his mother's condition makes you feel uneasy about the idea. You're not (I presume) going to be having sex in her hospital room, nor is your boyfriend (again, I presume) going to burst into her room the next day, breathlessly exclaiming, "Hey Mom, guess what? My girlfriend and I just fucked like crazed rabbits last night!" So why do you seem to feel this would be disrespectful?

I think it's a communication problem.

From what's presented in this letter, it sounds like the boyfriend just wants to meet up for sex--no date, no real time spent together, just....get in, get out, and get on with it.

If that is the case, it seems that Uncomfortable doesn't feel like she can or should say "I know you're going through a hard time with your mom, but I don't want to be a booty call. I need at least a few hours, if not an evening with you, for us to reconnect." If this is the case, then I think it would be a fair thing to say.

I know that there's more to the story than what we get in a short letter, but that's my guess at what's really going on.

I don't like scheduled sex. But I also don't like people who come up with odd reasons not to be intimate. Just give him his blow job and be done with it.

The cad! How dare he suggest that they have sex while his mother lies in a hospital bed at death's door!

/sarcasm

Look, LW, if what Jen G posted is what's bothering you, talk to your BF about it. Say exactly what Jen posted and see how he reacts. If he balks, well, there's your answer. Might be time to re-evaluate the relationship. You BOTH need to get something out of it, not just one OR the other.

Good luck!

What she's afraid of is that his mother is going to relapse and die on that night. Then she, or her boyfriend, or both, will feel guilty that they were having sex while his mom died, and that will be their anniversary memory.

It probably won't happen, but the fear of it will definitely put a damper on her own libido.

Oh, I get that, Ppear, I'd probably feel the same way. But I still think that they really need to discuss it, if only to (try to) put that fear to rest.

Poor guy. His mom is hurting, and his girlfriend now apparently wants to address some relationship issues before having sex with him. My guess is the guy will patiently deal with whatever she feels needs addressing, but some part of him will be thinking to himself, "Great timing, dear one. More DTR-talks right when what I needed was your support and comfort. Sigh.....Once I get mom through this sh-t, I need to reevaluate whether this gal is someone I want to keep in my life. High maintenance, this one is."

More generally, I have observed in the lives of the adult men and women I know that when a woman in a relationship with a man stops approaching sex with a smile and sense of expectation of fun, the man tends to fairly quickly move on to other potential sources of pleasure. (Porn, other women, hobbies, more income, whatever.)

The relationship craters shortly after that, and separation occurs, unless there are kids to anchor the guy.

The reasons for the woman's loss of smile and expectation of fun when approaching sex in the relationship can be for any reason, or no reason. The motivation is immaterial because the outcome is generally the same: a cratered relationship, followed by separation.

What always strikes me as odd, though, is how often gals seem genuinely confused (and then angry) when discovering a crater now exists where their relationship once stood. As if they expected another result from their actions.

Women rarely ask men for advice on how to engage with men, so I never seem to be able to offer this advice, but my advice is if you want a man to stay with you, have sex with him. Often. And do it with a smile and sense of fun. If you want a man to leave you, don't do those things.

I had the same reaction as Jen G. The boyfriend didn't say he wanted to celebrate their anniversary. He said he wanted sex as a stress reliever FOR HIM. Not even for them.

If this is not his normal behavior, though, I would cut him some slack because he is under terrific stress.

I think that in all the stress of the situation it's possible he is not considerate of what she wants out of the relationship at the moment (not some cold malicious, "I don't care how you feel open up so I can relieve myself.").

It would probably do them both good if she spoke up about how she felt about his proposed idea.

Maybe he just wants some normalcy back in his life and thinks a wild sex romp will do that for both of them (as in he could very think that said wild romp would be good for her too).

Conversation is needed BADLY on this one.

As others have said I say Uncomfortable get a feel of his real feelings on the situation and go from there. It's possible that telling him a wild romp won't do it and he opens up to other ideas to get the normalcy back. It's possible that telling him a wild romp won't do it will leave him in a position of thinking that the most vital parts of his world have turned on him (a painful place but one he can work his way out of with help). And of course there are other possibilities as well.

In the face of death, sex is a reminder that life goes on. It's in our wiring. Lots of people get horny at funerals, for instance.

Further, sex is one of the love languages. Your boyfriend needs love and comfort right now, not judgment. Surrender the booty.

Having done the intensive parent-care thing for the better part of three years, I'll say that if the boyfriend doesn't get regular time away from his mother, he will go freaking nuts.

I'm not entirely sure what she means by "he's spending his days with her." Is he staying with her after work, or is he not working? If he's working, he needs time that's not working or spending time with Mom. If he isn't working, then there's no need for him to spend 8 hours a day at the hospital. Sure, he can go once a day to check on her and get status updates, but my guess is that if she's not doing well, she's spending a lot of time asleep. Get other family and friends to pitch in with visits.

There's little need for them to worry about her suddenly croaking. I don't know what's wrong with her, but all of the hospitalized, chronically ill people I have known have given plenty of warning. Nurses are good at telling when ill people are hours away from death. It won't be a surprise if it happens.

If this is a wham-bam-thank-you-maam thing, suggest that the two of you go to a movie, or dinner, or bowling or whatever, and then have sex. If he really is spending all day at the hospital and won't leave, bring some dinner the two of you can share outside the hospital, or drag him away for lunch from time to time. Several weeks in the hospital is a lot of time, and my guess is her recovery will take longer when/if she is released. This isn't going away when she gets out.