There was a woman that I was best friends with for 7 years. I loved her like a sister, we did everything together, vacations, shopping, hanging out, everything. We were both on the chubby side, and so, after I fought my battle with Breast cancer and decided to work on getting healthy in every way I could, I joined Weight Watchers and also started working out 4 days a week. She naturally followed suit.
Problems began when I lost the weight, and she didn't. I have a naturally thin frame, I was always a skinny kid, and didn't put on weight til after I had kids and got a desk job. I was very motivated to lose weight. She, on the other hand, had a larger frame, was always on the heavy side, even tho she had never had children, she had never been very active or very thin. She did it only to be like me, so her motivation was not all that strong.

As things got better for me, I began hearing her mutter under her breath, little things like "Way to make me feel like a satellite." and "Did she have to dress like such a slut? She already gets all the attention." I ignored them, because I honestly didn't know what to say. Then her venom started dripping onto my children. My No 1 daughter is the spitting image of me, pre-child-bearing, a skinny, red-headed and very intelligent young lady who at that time was putting herself thru college on scholarship money that she had earned by being a straight A student and working very hard. I was (and still am) justifiably proud of her, so whenever I could, I would brag on her a little. My "friend" popped off about it one day, saying that my daughter had had it too easy and that "life will teacher her a lesson that she won't forget".

I was stunned. I had raised my daughter as a single mom, working my way thru college when she was a toddler, sometimes so tired and broke I could hardly see straight. But I knew that if I didn't keep going, my kid was doomed to repeat my mistakes, so I did what I had to do. And it payed off, my Baby girl had it better than I had. And this poisonous wench had the balls to tell me she'd had it EASY? That she needed a slap of REALITY? The little girl who had seen her baby brother die when she was two years old, who had heard over and over again for the first 6 or 7 years of her life "No, you can't have that, we can't afford it, Baby.". Who had worked her ass off to be a straight A student and earn the money for college so that she could put her efforts into studying instead of waiting tables. She needed a slap of reality from the bitch who had gone to the Art Institute and wound up as a tax preparer was telling me that My kid was spoiled, and going to fail because she didn't have a properly "deprived" upbringing.

Jealous people are poisonous. Get away from this person as fast as you can. No amount of past good feelings will save a friendship that has hit this reef, it is time to hit the lifeboat and row for shore.

Wow Kat ... let it go. You need to consult with Amy.

Pfagh, what didn't kill me only hurt like hell. I got better, stronger, faster. If all you take out of my story is that "I" have problems, you need to read it again.

Read it again. Original comment stands. Glad you got better, stronger faster. Still it's time to let it go.

"There are reasons I can't just boot her from my life..."

No there's not. You are an adult and as one, you get to choose who comes and goes in your life. Stand up for yourself.

Kat is mourning the death of a friendship like many of us do and she'll take as long as she likes, Janey. Your catty comment is just that—catty, and she'll "let it go" when she's ready and not simply because you dictate it to be so.

Hey Janey,

Project much?

When I read what Kat wrote, I see what any other person without an axe to grind sees. Someone who is detailing events from their life that is relevant to the discussion at hand. I don't see pathological or obsessive behavior.

It seems to me that the one who says, 'let it go', is actually much more likely to be the one with real issues. Even if there are still existing wounds there, it's hardly your place to impose your idea of closure.

Maybe you, perhaps, are an example of the purported friend in question?

Are you the type of person who feels slighted or diminished in some way when someone you know improves their lives, or the lives of their children?

Maybe you're a zero sum kind of person who believes that the bad things that happen to you (or that you believe happen to you) are the direct result of something good happening to someone else.

So, take your own advice. Let it go.

Kat is mourning the death of a friendship like many of us do and she'll take as long as she likes, Janey.
This. As I said, i loved her like a sister. She was a huge part of my life for many years, and one of very few people i trusted to be that close.

Not only did she attack me with her petty jealousy, she attacked my CHILDREN. Now, I'm as laid back as a person can be most of the time, and while I prefer that someone with something to say, say it to my face, I don't let whiny little bitches get my knickers in a twist. They can call me anything they want, say anything about me that they want. But leave my kids out of it. What she did was Unacceptable, and Unforgivable. It hurt me more than if she had just hauled off and slapped me in the face. She was their Auntie, and she said these things where they could hear her.

Bitch picked a fight with the wrong Mama Dragon.

e sniffed, "At least I'm not one of those people who need to jump from relationship to relationship,"

I've seen women talking like this but I just don't get it.

Even when the victim really deserves it (which she doesn't seem to in this case), doesn't the sniffy girl perceive how unpleasant and obnoxious she sounds?

Lamenting her datelessness, she sniffed, "At least I'm not one of those people who need to jump from relationship to relationship," knowing full well that I got into my current relationship a month after ending my previous one.

Wow, LW. I'm sorry you had to hear this from someone who, as it turns out, doesn't deserve your friendship. You don't have to run, but I'd walk away from this friendship, nice and slow. Let her see you walk. And if she dares ask why, you absolutely must tell her - "Your jealousy is getting the better of you, but I'm not letting it get the better of me. Nice knowing you." DONE. You don't need toxic people in your life. Read again what David posted. He's absolutely correct.

Good luck!

o_O

I have a friend who doesn't talk to me like LW's friend, but from time to time, suffers from the inability to be happy for others because of the crushing feeling of inadequacy in her own love relationships. I always remind myself that 'every knock is a boost' and it has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her. Sadly, it's this negative attitude that is preventing her from connecting with someone and getting into a relationship. She is otherwise a dear dear friend, and if LW can't say that about her buddy, then she should let her go. But if she does love this girl, she should speak up in her own defense, and then follow that with a recommendation that her friend seek help/therapy/counseling for her own feelings of shortcoming.

This is what I did with my friend, once I realized (too late) that I was giving the same advice for the same problem over and over, thus not helping at all. I just started repeating myself that she should talk to a neutral third party. Took awhile, but she did, and it's helping.

P.S. Great story, Kat. I always like reading about other people's related experiences in the comments. I don't understand why some people (Janey) use these things as a reason to be judgmental.

"There are reasons I can't just boot her from my life"

I think LW should do some reflection on why, specifically, she feels she 'needs' to keep people in her life who are hurtful and damaging bullies to her. (Are these "reasons" really genuine reasons, or rationalizations for some underlying pattern of accepting to be treated badly?)

"If I called her out, she'd just deny it."

Which is even worse on her part, and all the MORE (not less) reason to actually give her the boot. Call her out, watch her deny it, that reveals *more* of her true character to you.

I used to allow 'friends' (and colleagues, girlfriends etc.) to treat me poorly .. eventually I realized I was repeating a pattern in all my relationships. The idea of losing friends/girlfriends seemed horrible, so I was afraid to stand up to them (afraid that if I stood up to them they would e.g. end the relationships), and when I finally did stand up to them, my so-called 'worst fears' indeed came true - they were 'shocked, just shocked I tell you' at my audacity at actually standing up for myself, fought with me on the issues I raised (issuing denials etc.), and promptly left my life. But what I learned in hindsight is that they were friends with me because they were bullies by nature and *because* I allowed myself to be treated badly, and that it was actually a *good* thing to get them out of my life ... I made new friends, and formed new relationships, with people who treat me properly.

I'm certainly not saying this is LW's situation, but I do find it interesting that someone says they "need" to keep a friend around who is actually just treating them badly enough that they're at the point of writing to advice columnists. Some people are just bullies by nature. You can't change them. And sometimes you're better off not having them in your life.

@Kat "No amount of past good feelings will save a friendship that has hit this reef, it is time to hit the lifeboat and row for shore."

I agree. Problem is, even if she decides it's worth trying to stay friends with the person (but tries to somehow set the boundaries better) - she's always going to have to be on her guard (mentally) when being around this 'friend', parsing every comment for snide remarks in order to defend herself. And each time she relaxes and lets her guard down, the viper will strike. That's not a friendship.

"As things got better for me, I began hearing her mutter under her breath, little things like "Way to make me feel like a satellite." and "Did she have to dress like such a slut? She already gets all the attention.""

I've seen something similar recently with my wife - she used to be slightly overweight, then more so while pregnant, but since breastfeeding, she has become her 'perfect' weight, and looks great. But many of her (many very overweight) female 'friends' (and even her sister) feel the need to make negative comments about it, every time they see her, telling her she's 'too thin' (she's not, from a purely scientific 'health' perspective she is literally at ideal weight for her height etc.), make her feel abnormal instead of being happy for her, and sometimes she'll come back from visiting them telling me she wants to get fatter again (??). I think they are jealous, because it's a group of mostly overweight women who hang around together.

I'm puzzled as to why LW's roomie thinks that waiting an entire month before getting into a new relationship (at that age) is bouncing from relationship to relationship. Seems like a reasonable cooling off time to me. It's not like she was banging the entire hockey team the day after her breakup.

Lobster, tell your wife to stand proud, and not let these jealous women ruin her health. Being her ideal weight is first and foremost about being healthy, the fact that it also makes her more attractive is a happy side affect. She deserves to be complimented, and I for one am very happy for her.

P.S. Great story, Kat. I always like reading about other people's related experiences in the comments. I don't understand why some people (Janey) use these things as a reason to be judgmental.

Thanks, Lori. All I can do is offer what I have learned thru my own experience. If Janey wants yo play Jr Freud on me, instead of trying to understand what hard learned lesson I am offering, her loss.

Lobster -

Your wife is the victim of standard female bullshit. Her fat friends are too lazy/deluded to do anything about themselves, so they need to tear her down so she doesn't hurt their fragile self-esteem.

Problem is anything she says to them will be taken as an attack thanks to the "fat acceptance" bullshit that fatasses (myself formerly included) feed themselves to rationalize away their ill health and laziness.

It's pure jealousy, they can't stand the fact that she's happy, and healthy, and has a man and a child that love her and they want to destroy her to make her as miserable as they are.

Toxic friends.

Janey - Parables are a teaching tool, and a cathartic release.

Kat wasn't whining about her past, she was relaying important life lessons learned from it.

You're the one who needs help.

The most important thing I ever learned I learned from a demotivational poster:

"The common element in all your failed relationships is you."

When you know that catty comments are just coming from insecurity and jealousy, then you have the upper hand in the situation and it's the easiest thing in the world to turn around and beat them at their own game. I'd give the person a couple free passes out of pity/decency, then bring out the claws:

LW: "Oh honey, don't worry, when it's true love you'll just know--and I'm sure there's someone out there for you." *sympathetic pat on arm*

Kat: "Yes my daughter is lucky, isn't she? Pretty girls always have it easier. Oh, to be young and thin again" *quick side-eye at coworker's stomach*

Lobster's wife: "Oh I know, you're probably right--I just can't seem to gain weight no matter what I try! Take it from me and never breastfeed--it just sucks the pounds right off!" *titters*

All of these responses are pretty much guaranteed to make the person in question hate you--but they will stop the catty comments and re-establish you as alpha female of the group, as long as you stand your ground. Which isn't the same as true friendship but none of these sound like true friendships anyway so why not at least have the upper hand?

Also, these responses are literally the mildest I can think of...you can dig much, much deeper if the situation warrants.

I had dinner with some friends awhile back, one of whom was pregnant and due around the time I would have been had I not miscarried. My ID wanted to sit in a corner and fling poo while everyone went on and on about her pregnancy. My ego punched it in its stupid face and reminded me that the world goes on around me. I pretended to be delighted for her. I wasn't spiritually generous enough at the time to truly be happy for her, but I could fake it long enough to not make an ass out of myself.

People need to understand that life takes turns being shit for everyone, and sometimes it's their turn.

Ha! Shannon, I want to be as witty as you when I grow up!

I love when people don't take well to criticism that is deserved and instead turn it into a reason to be even bitchier.

I love when people don't take well to criticism that is deserved and instead turn it into a reason to be even bitchier.

I'm confused. If this was in response to my resp to Shannon, I really meant it as a compliment to her being much faster on the draw than I am. I always come up with the perfect witty reparte 3 years too late.

If it wasn't I appologize for not understanding what you were trying to say.

@Shannon "Lobster's wife: "Oh I know, you're probably right--I just can't seem to gain weight no matter what I try! Take it from me and never breastfeed--it just sucks the pounds right off!" *titters*"

Wow - you absolutely don't know my wife, she is nothing like that - she is quiet and decent and passive, which is exactly why she is targeted by pieces of shit like you (Let me guess, you're one of the bullying types, and you're fat/overweight too, and now it makes you feel better to assume that anyone who isn't fat is catty?)

Or wait, have I misunderstood? I read it as you saying that she was drawing such comments to herself by bragging about being skinny?

@Shannon If that's not what you meant, then sorry, ignore the previous comments ...

No, sweetie, Shannon was suggesting zippy comebacks to the horrid things people have said to your wife, clever quips that can't be taken as "mean", but will shut the bullies down faster than you can say "It's called Wit, you should try it sometime." That is a direct quote from my all time favorite snarkmaster, Black Adder, who I wish I could be as witty as, also, but I don't have the budget for the writing staff >.

So Down, boy! Shannon's one of the good guys :D Me, I always think of the cool comeback years after the fact :(

@Lobster: no, you misunderstood me; if you read that quote in the context of my comment I was suggesting potential responses for each of the three situations, not insinuating that your wife might have been saying anything along those lines already.

The point of the response is to call the "friends" on their B.S. (that fat is healthier/more desirable) by pretending to go along with it (trying to gain weight but it's just too darn hard!) This will leave the other women seething in resentment and jealousy, because obviously they don't REALLY think that it's better to be overweight and would probably kill to drop the lbs too, but they can't actually say anything without contradicting their earlier position.

Kat explained my own intent better than me--thanks Kat!

Also for the record I'm 21 years old, not at all overweight, and none of my close friends are overweight nor do any have kids. The idea of jealously snarking on a breastfeeding mother for losing weight is so far removed from my life that it's almost funny--but these dynamics exist in almost every group and the strategies for dealing with them are fundamentally similar. When someone hands you their insecurities on a plate, that's what you target.

Close friends are happy about each others successes, not bitter.

Once they become bitter, jealous, and snide, and not just once in a fit of ill temper, but as a matter of course when around you...they are no longer friends, but foes.

And they are poison, to themselves, and to you.

Stop calling them, stop returning their calls. Change your number and don't give them the new one. If they're part of an organization or something with you, join a different chapter or affiliate with a different set of group members.

There is 0 reason to spend time with someone who poisons your mood day after day after day.

I've cut such cancerous lumps out of my life before, its not really that hard, though you think it will be until you do so, and once it is over its like setting down a bag of bricks, you're instantly lighter and happier for it.