Mourning Breath
At 19, I married the first man I slept with. He died last year after 23 years of marriage, and within a month, I was in a new relationship with a wonderful man I met online. I'm certainly still grieving, sometimes horribly, but my new man understands, and he's patient. He appreciates me and insists on my total commitment to him (meaning that I can't date anyone else). The problem is, he lives in another state, and in our year together, his work schedule has kept him from visiting me. He can make me quiver when we talk on the phone, but the distance leaves me lonely at night. Can a long-distance relationship ever work?
--Cradling The Phone
So, in an entire year, your Mr. Wonderful couldn't line up a single weekend to come see you because of his work schedule? Well, that sounds perfectly reasonable -- if, for him, getting out of work early means digging a tunnel with a sharpened spoon so as to avoid the electrified razor wire and the armed guards.
As a rule, Internet dating should be composed of very little Internet and a whole lot of dating. (Phone dates don't count.) Until you spend considerable time in a man's presence, your view of him will be part him and a good part you filling in the blanks with who you'd like him to be. And sorry, quivery romantic moments are just the sparkly topping on a relationship. The actual relationship is mostly the day-to-day stuff -- how you are together at the grocery store and whether he's mean to you when you forget to pick up the dry cleaning. And while your heart might be singing for him across the miles, you could hate the way he kisses and find that your nostrils make a strong argument for lashing him to an old mattress and putting him out with the trash.
Where you go right is in not appearing to buy into cookie-cutter ideas about how you "should" be mourning, like the widely held myth that there are specific, neatly ordered "stages of grief" everyone must move through and Freud's notion that grieving people need to slog through all their thoughts, memories and emotions about the deceased. (Never mind that he had no evidence for this or that actual evidence suggests that ruminating can cause depression; he had some serious eyeglasses and that groovy Persian rug-draped armless couch.)
When life as you knew it for a quarter-century suddenly developed a big husband-shaped hole, it's understandable that you started rummaging around the Internet for a scoop of human grout. But, being desperate for filler meant that any critical assessments about this guy were drowned out by "Cripes! I'll be alone!" At the same time, maybe you weren't quite ready to be with anybody, so it worked to have a boyfriend who demanded your "total commitment" -- creepy! -- while not actually bothering to show up. You can strongly suggest that he hop a plane in the immediate future, but chances are whatever's prevented him from giving you a peek at the real him will continue to prevent it. Maybe now would be a good time to try to get comfortable being alone. Only when you are will you be able to choose a man for the right reasons -- and not simply because he talks a really good game, giving him something of an edge over the guy in the urn.
Oh, no. Oh no. You don't know him. Repeat, you do not know him! You have NO relationship, long distance or otherwise, even if you are getting some kind of comfort on the phone.
He insists on your total commitment? During the last 23 years, have you been keeping up with things at all? Back away from the computer. Please. From what your letter says, for all you know this guy could be sixteen and living with his folks.
I don't even know why I care, I know you about as well as you know this stranger you're giving yourself to. You'll do what you do, as you've been doing for the past year. Obviously, it's bugging you enough to write for advice to a public forum, so here's the rest of my two cents:
long-distance relationships can work sometimes, but you have to have a relationship first. And this isn't one.
Pricklypear at July 31, 2012 8:04 PM
Good grief! Can this person not even tell what's wrong after reading her own letter?
Patrick at August 1, 2012 3:40 AM
"Maybe now would be a good time to try to get comfortable being alone. Only when you are will you be able to choose a man for the right reasons ..."
Amen to that! It's awful, after 23 years of marriage, to lose someone like that. But LW isn't doing herself any favors committing to someone she really doesn't know much about. I'd suggest to the LW that she's still quite young, and there needn't be any rush to commit to anything or anyone right now.
"Human grout?" Now there's some imagery for ya!
Old RPM Daddy at August 1, 2012 6:58 AM
Talk to your six most level-headed and trustworthy relatives and friends. Meet with at least two of them at a time, so they can bounce ideas around a bit.
At those talks, share with them the entirety of the relationship, and say you need their help in getting some perspective on things. Do not be coy or modest in discussing things. (e.g., Having sex? Say so. Like it? Say so. Don't? Say so. Lending him money? Say so. He is rich, and you like that? Say so.) Give them facts, not characterizations or evasions. Answer their questions with candor.
Then ask them if they think the whole thing sounds healthy and kosher. Tell them to be frank, not polite. Don't hold their answers against them--you asked, after all.
You really need outside opinions, because your situation sounds like a person who is in a perfect place to be taken advantage of by a stronger personality.
You do not have to share with Mr. Long Distance that you sought other people's advice; this is no betrayal or anything. He is not owed your full disclosure of your discussions with your friends. You getting the informed opinion of people who likely have your best interests in mind sounds crucial here.
Spartee at August 1, 2012 7:45 AM
I haven't read the other responses, but I can't be the only one who suspects that Mr. Skype is married
Dana at August 1, 2012 10:18 AM
I agree with PricklyPear that you have to have a relationship first. I know several women who have tried the long-distance getting-to-know-you, thought they had a relationship and were heart-broken when it turned out to not be true.
LW, anyone who is actually and sincerely interested in you would have made time to come see you in a year. I've had two men from online who sucked up a lot of my emotional and actual time "being together" online but when it came down to my saying "we meet or I move on", it turned out I was just online entertainment for them.
Also, my husband passed away five years ago. Do yourself a big favor and take Amy's advice. Be by yourself. Fill that hole with yourself, family and friends. Then, when "the one" comes along, not only will it be amazing but it will ADD to your life instead of just filling a blank or trying to find someone to recreate past happiness.
Grieving goes on, well, forever really. But you get to the point where you know you are solid and happy again - just in a different way. This is the best time to add to your life.
Julp at August 1, 2012 11:06 AM
Anyone who expects complete and total sexual and emotional fidelity before a face to face meeting is an abuser.
lujlp at August 1, 2012 1:45 PM
I feel sorry for the LW. She really hasn't dated as an "adult." I can see how someone in that type of sitution could be naive about dating- especially online. I hope she takes Amy's advice.
ahw at August 1, 2012 2:30 PM
I don't know if I feel sorry for her. I know when I first read her letter I felt dismay, definitely.
But she's now 43 years old, and she's been "quivering" with this guy for a year. I'm wondering about her, but there's just something squirrely about this situation.
I think this is just a game to the guy. At least she didn't say she's sending him money. Yet.
Maybe he's exactly how he represents himself to her. Maybe he's got lots of women on a string. Maybe he's hideous and this is the best relationship he can have. In any case, I hope she's at least considered that he's just a phone-sex fantasy.
Pricklypear at August 1, 2012 3:53 PM
I read and re read this, and have some questions. Have they actually ever met? He hasn't visited her but did she visit him?
Anyhow I agree they don't have a relationship, not sure what they ddo have, stalkerish penpal?
My 2 cents are she was proably in an odd state after her widdowhood and fell into this, which is odd, but well I'm still seeing as a stalkerish pen pal.
She probably should start dating someone.
Joe J at August 2, 2012 12:31 PM
Now, now, let's not label this lying controlling jerk. Be kind. Maybe he's just a sociopath.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at August 2, 2012 1:14 PM
I've known quite a few people who have been in long-term relationships with people they've never met in real life. It starts in some environment like a chat room or Second Life; then they're exchanging gifts, chatting online every night, committing to one another, pledging their love, texting "Wish you were with me" from vacation spots. The relationship is what each person imagines it to be, and it is yet to be tarnished by the real life, mundane stuff.
I think in many cases at least one party IS married or in a relationship. They have their virtual relationship as an outlet at the end of the day, and they fantasize about leaving the primary relationship for this soul mate who "gets" them. It's low risk, because they're not sneaking out to hotels, but it has all the thrills of an affair. My college roommate used to always complain about her online boyfriend's wife and how miserable she made his life.
In other cases, both parties are just extremely socially stunted. One guy I worked with had a "girlfriend" in New Zealand. You had to ask him a lot of question before he admitted they'd never met in person. They talked on the phone every night for two years, but every time there was an opportunity for a visit, one of them would sabotage it with some excuse, which the other would eagerly accept. They were just recluses who could only handle the online relationship. It was still going on last I knew.
Insufficient Poison at August 3, 2012 1:14 PM
"Now, now, let's not label this lying controlling jerk. Be kind. Maybe he's just a sociopath."
My money is on professional con artist. Widows like this woman are easy targets: lonely, vulnerable, naive about dating, likely to be naive about finances, and possibly recent beneficiaries of a life insurance policy as well.
And online dating sites make it easy to scan through hundreds of profiles all across the nation to find the perfect target--or targets. I wouldn't be surprised if the guy is running this scam with multiple women, and tweaking his age/background/story to fit each situation--which explains why he wouldn't want to meet face to face. The pictures could be fakes as well. And the control aspect is to make sure she doesn't divert her attentions elsewhere or meet someone who slaps her upside the head with some common sense.
Sad story but whatever you do, don't send this guy any money.
Shannon at August 6, 2012 6:30 PM
This just ran The Daily Mail:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2185039/Internet-scams-Alison-Peters-loses-home-120k-life-savings-internet-conman-met-looking-love.html
Insufficient Poison at August 7, 2012 2:03 PM
Love affairs carried on via letters has a long, literary tradition. Creating words of love and poetry is a dying art in our age, but back in the 1700s or 1800s, say, these types of "affairs" flourished. Of course, these relationships were never tested by "reality" as some have pointed out -- nor could they be, if the two were separated by great distances or if one was married in an era when divorce was unthinkable. It was a love of the other person's mind and soul. However, I don't think that's what's happening here.
Claire at September 26, 2012 8:14 AM
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