Dew Drop Your Pants
I broke up with my guy a while ago, which was the right thing to do. But, I've found myself hooking up with guys for no reason other than getting caught in a provocative moment. Of course, as you've often written, men and women are very different when it comes to casual sex, and what's casual for men ends up feeling not so casual for a lot of women. Including me. So, I have to wonder, knowing what I know, why I keep going for pleasure and excitement in the moment when I know I will feel empty afterward.
--Own Worst Enemy
Some women have a long list of requirements a man has to meet before they'll have sex with him. You, for example, require a man to walk into the bar, be reasonably hot, be reasonably hetero, and say things that make you feel really special, like "This seat taken?"
Humans evolved to live in the now: "Eat the berry. You'll never know when you'll see your next berry." This psychology made a lot of sense in the evolutionary environment, about 1.8 million years before 7-Elevens and Walmart grocery megastores. But, these days, our propensity to grab for immediate benefits (while blocking out future costs) can cause some misery -- as you've discovered whenever the answer to "So, how long have you two lovebirds been together?" has been "Oh, about two-and-a-half beers."
It's possible that your need-for-stimulation jets are set on high. In psychology-speak, this means scoring high in "sensation-seeking," a personality trait with a strong biological basis, expressed by a lust for novelty, variety, and intense experiences and a willingness to engage in risky behavior to get them. Not surprisingly, sexual sensation-seekers often use alcohol to lubricate the way. (Just a guess, but you probably aren't hooking up from a park bench or after getting hammered on an immuno-boosting peach smoothie with a wheatgrass chaser -- the absinthe of the juice bar.)
It's time to ditch "the power of now" for the power of no. You create a personal culture through behavior you repeat over time, like repeatedly not giving in to the temptation to seize the moment (and whatever's in the pants of the person on the next barstool). Being conscious of the psychology behind your behavior helps you change it. If you are a thrill-seeker, feed that in ways that don't involve dropping thong. If you're really looking for love, remind yourself that you aren't likely to find it between your underwear and a stack of old porn mags under some bar dude's bed. And consider other reasons you're drawn to casual sex, like maybe loneliness or a need for touch. (A massage will cost you money, but there's no "walk of shame" afterward.)
You might also try "precommitment," a strategy originated by economist Thomas Schelling that involves prearranging to make it hard for yourself to duck a goal. Tell friends you've sworn off one-night soul mates, ask them to support you in that, and avoid going alone to bars. As your last line of defense, do things that would make you too embarrassed to get naked with a guy, like wearing ratty granny panties and writing a message in permanent magic marker across your stomach -- something real come-hither-y, like "Got herpes? (I do, and I love to share.)"
I fail to see the problem. I'm guessing the reason she feels 'empty' afterwards is puritanical guilt.
lujlp at August 8, 2012 8:42 AM
She has sex the way a lot of people do drugs. Thrilling while it lasts, but leaves and emptiness in its wake that can only be staved off by her next "fix."
Patrick at August 8, 2012 12:20 PM
I put it down as too many believe the Hollywood/Disney idea that love is this all powerful never wrong, never changing thing.
Love is an emotion, so is lust, they aren't magically always right. And that Love at first sight is lust pure and simple.
If she were a guy we would be saying she only has enough blood for one head at a time. Basically the hormones of lust, color your views (rose colored glasses) so that cute guy who is strangling cats, looks so gentle and caring to you. Or at least he does until the rose colored glasses come off, in a day or a month.
Joe J at August 8, 2012 1:26 PM
Lujip, the problem is the sex is getting in the way of her other goal, which is to have a boyfriend. She's like Liz Phair.
NicoleK at August 9, 2012 7:35 AM
NicoleK, aren't we all, until we have a family to distract us?
Rachel Flax at August 9, 2012 12:21 PM
Is alcohol involved? If so, that's your answer right there. Stop drinking and chances are you'll stop finding yourself in these situations.
OTOH, if the one-night stands are happening sober, chances are you just like sex, and are missing out now that you're no longer getting it on the regular. Nothing wrong with that, it's how we're wired, you just need to figure out a way to make it happen without the attachment or morning-after regrets.
This is a case where a FWB might actually be appropriate, as long as you find the right person--you don't want to end up like the "let's watch the moonlight" LW from last week. And if you can't think of a good candidate, it might be time to invest in a vibrator.
Shannon at August 11, 2012 2:30 PM
Humans evolved to live in the now: "Eat the berry. You'll never know when you'll see your next berry".
this is hilarious! Except that it wasn't the berry. It was the forbidden fruit. And the woman ate it first.
Paul A'Barge at August 25, 2012 12:48 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2012/08/dew-drop-your-p.html#comment-3314721">comment from Paul A'BargeHumans evolved to live in the now: "Eat the berry. You'll never know when you'll see your next berry". this is hilarious! Except that it wasn't the berry. It was the forbidden fruit. And the woman ate it first.
My column is science-based, so I don't reference religious storybooks, except for humor.
Amy Alkon
at August 25, 2012 1:33 PM
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