Witty. Sardonic. Thought-provoking. Rooted in real world logic. Devoid of psycho-babble.

A classic Amy response :-)

My GOD, where do these people come from—oh wait, I did the same thing once. No, it didn't work out.

Since most marriages don't last too long, there is a good chance this one may not last long either. But remind me again, Amy--what is the problem with getting married if they both want to?

My practical side says there should be prenups and all, but if that is taken care of, why not get married? It might be the new way to "shack up!" :)

Drastic situations cause drastic reactions... think of all the people during WWII who got married within 2 weeks of meeting due to upcoming deployment.

Everyone will calm down once you've been together a while.

My husband and I got married pretty quickly, though not as quickly as you. We started dating in October and were engaged in May and married in August. We've been married 5 years... not really long-term yet but a lot longer than some.

People asked us why we didn't wait and we said... "For what?"

Fact is, living together years and years is a bigger predictor of failure than getting married quickly, though the highest success rate is in the middle group of people knowing each other 2 years.

I've heard before that you should see someone in every season before marrying them--ie at least a year. But more importantly, you need to see them in surroundings that at least somewhat resembles your everyday life. Yes you might have gained insight into this man's character while roughing it in the jungles of Africa, but you're still operating in a bubble far removed from your life outside and after the Peace Corps. It's possible you're truly soulmates, but it's also possible that you'll find yourselves less compatible once you're back in "real life."

Moreover, in this type of "bubble": a high-stress, unfamiliar situation far from your family, friends, and normal routine, it's common to bond quickly and intensely with people that you wouldn't seek out under normal circumstances. Sort of the Stockholm Syndrome of volunteer work. It happens on vacations, at summer camps, tour groups, semesters abroad, overseas jobs, at wartime, etc--you develop dramatic and intense friendships, relationships, or feuds that become all-encompassing at the time, then you get back to your normal life and wonder why you cared so much.

Finally, the LW's explanation that "marrying now feels very romantic" makes me wonder if her primary motivation for marriage is a cute romantic story that tops her parents' and impresses her friends. Which isn't much better than getting married because you want to throw a big party and wear a pretty white dress. LW you need to do some soul searching and ask yourself if you want this for the right reasons.

Shannon said what I was going to say. I've seen this sometimes with young service members. Fresh out of basic training, they come to their specialty schools, where they spend weeks or months in an environment which, while freer and easier than basic, is still pretty intense and controlled. The couples that form there have an awful lot in common given the environment, but they're still very young, and have no idea how life will be once they get into the everyday world of the service. I would imagine life in the Peace Corps is similar to that in some respects.

None of this is meant as a knock against the LW of course. Bless her heart for feeling this way about the guy, but her best friend has a point. Although it may not be as intense or exciting, there's still a lot of life ahead of her.

Old RPM Daddy,
My husband and I met at the Field Artillery officers basic course at Ft Sill, Oklahoma. We married about six months after meeting, in Denmark; a wedding so small, it was the two of us, and a Danish Justice of the Peace.
That was 31 years ago. What held us together? I guess it has been values, and compromise.
In general I believe it is a bad idea for most people to get married so quickly, but the statistics seem to indicate that shacking up is even worse for your long term prospects.
Maybe these two Peace Corps volunteers share enough squishy liberal idealism that it will actually work...

Hi Isab -- My wife and I met in Stuttgart-Vaihingen in March of 1994 and were married in April of 1995. Just like you, at the Justice of the Peace in the Vaihingen Rathaus! We're still at it, 17 years later. Like you, I agree it can work, but I'm not sure I'd advise my kids to do it the same way.

Funny aside: We had an interview with the Justice of the Peace prior to the ceremony. One of the reasons for the interview was to determine if an interpreter would be needed. I knew enough German to understand and answer most of the questions (e.g., where my Daddy was from, and the like). The Justice of the Peace decided we didn't need anyone to translate. Some days later, at the ceremony itself, the Justice of the Peace opened with a short speech. I caught the part about marriage being a big responsibility, but soon his rambling left me behind. I had no idea what he was saying! Eventually, he looked at me, and his talk inflected up, like a question. I replied, "Ja?"

Apparently, that was the right answer.

By the way, in Germany, weddings are performed at the courthouse. You can have a church wedding afterward (we did), but only the courthouse ceremony has any legal standing.

LW: Are both of you exceptional people? I think, for people who do things like join the Peace Corps, the answer is usually yes.

I married a girl I knew for about six months, and we had a language and cultural barrier to work through as well. Was it hard? Yes, but I suspect you're up to the challenge. Most things that are worthwhile aren't easy. Read Old RPM Daddy's story. Change the setting to Japan. Make it twice as long ago. That's me.

There was no way I was leaving that girl behind. She's unique. After thirty-five years, I would not change a thing.

LW reminds me of the Defense Language Institute, where I was sent to learn German while in the army. It was a casual environment, compared to the rest of the military, because our duty while stationed there was to learn a language. Not live in foxholes.

And as to be expected, many became romantically involved, and ended up getting married. And most of them ended up getting divorced shortly after graduation.

The point being is that DLI (sardonically nicknamed the Defense Love Institute) was, as my Platoon Sergeant called it, "an artificial environment." Compatibility under a military training facility -- separate rooms in separate barracks, often in separate branches of the service, doesn't translate to compatibility in cohabitation.

Spot on points, Amy. I hope she listens.

Patrick: DLI Monterey? When were you there?

My husband and I pretty much knew after our first date that we were right for each other. We had been acquaintances for a few years before that, though, and didn't get married for a year or so.

Whoa whoa whoa whoooooa!!!!

I have the utmost respect for Peace Corps workers (and I'm no bleeding heart liberal), but talk about living outside of reality. I've known several who've told me the most difficult part of the whole process was reintegrating into the "real world" after finishing their assignments. I just cringe at the thought of adding the aftermath of an ill-considered elopement on top of that!

If the relationship truly has long term potential, then it will weather the period of adjustment just fine... in fact, it will only get richer and deeper. But like Amy said, a romantic high alone is a baaaaaad reason to rush into marriage. Life-changing decisions should be made with a cool head. And the LW should listen to her best friend and her family--I bet her parents, despite their own short engagement, would advise waiting a little longer too! Those people know her well and offer a valuable outside perspective on the situation, which shouldn't be dismissed so lightly.

No one's saying it's forbidden to marry young, or that you have to shack up or wait a specific amount of time. But this is also NOT WWII, no one's shipping off to an uncertain fate. And it doesn't sound like immigration laws will force them apart unless they get hitched quickly... I believe MarkD was in that situation, and I know some younger couples who were there too, who basically took a calculated risk, married early and ended up happy. But still, all of them knew each other longer than two months.

So LW, just give yourselves more time! A few months, a couple of years are nothing when you look at how much life is ahead of you. You stand only to gain by letting yourselves experience one another in the real world before tying the knot. No matter how the relationship turns out, you won't regret taking just a little more time before you plunge.

"We married about six months after meeting..."

Which means that you knew each other three times longer than LW and her boyfriend. That's a fairly big difference. You can learn a lot about someone in six months that you wouldn't learn in two.

I think I would understand better if LW expressed a desire to get married quickly because they were working in a country that frowned on premarital cohabitation, or because they were soon to be parted, or someone's granny was on her deathbed, or hell even because one of them needed health insurance. But from what I can see, the predominant reason is that it "feels romantic"; which doesn't even make sense--it's not like there's an expiration date on a romance.

One more point and I'm not sure if everyone will agree with me, or if it's relevant in this situation, but the set up seems disrespectful to their family and friends back home. Like "Hi mom and dad, thisismikeandwe'regettingmarriedrightnow, okay now we're heading back to celebrate with our new friends, see ya." Maybe not all families would care but I know mine would all be heartbroken at being sort of blindsided and disregarded, and I just can't imagine doing that to them. I also can't imagine wanting to primarily celebrate my marriage with people I've known for just 2 months over family and friends I've known for years. Of course some couples have no choice due to deployment, visa issues, travel barriers etc but again there's no real reason and it seems impulsive and short-sighted.

I'm going to play devils advocate on this one and give them ok odds on being ok when married.
Sure I think they should wait till back home for a while but I see this being less a guaranteed disaster as others do.
Why?
A. A real common interst, going peace corp is not a minor undertaking like "liking band X" SInce they both did it it says they have some core beliefs in common.
B. 2 months there, being around the person 24 x7, is a better trial by fire than dating someone for a year. They probably have seen the best and worst of each other, as opposed to dating where it's maybe 5 dates before you can learn what they are like when not trying to impress you. They just havent seen much of the "normal" of each other.

Old RPM Daddy, At the time we got married, the German paperwork was 6 months worth of misery. I heard that they liberalized it later, after we left as they were losing the marriage tourism business to Denmark where it was a four day process.
We were in Hanau for three years. The army at that time, really frowned on shacking up, so considering the limited housing options in Hanau, it was get married or get seperate places. Not something either one of us could afford.
What the heck, it worked, but mostly because my husband is a secular saint to put up with me.
I have been brushing up on my German. I have dreams of shooting the ISSF world cup in Munich in the next few years. :-)

My biggest comment is on her best friend's wanting her to slow down. If she really is a good friend, odds are she's hearing something in the LW's voice or way of talking that is setting off alarms for her. LW, pay attention to that - talk to her about why specifically she thinks you ought to slow down. Take it seriously and consider it. You may decide her fears aren't warranted or are a risk you are williing to take and that's fine but don't just blow everyone off.

I married my first four months after we met when both of us were working in a far flung location. I really, really, really wish I had met his friends and family and seen him in his "home turf" before getting married. When we got back to his home town, his behavior changed although he claimed it didn't. His mother hated me as did most of his friends partly because I "stole" him from the woman who was waiting back home for him (someone he had never mentioned). His dedication to the good work we did was a foretaste not of his dedication to good work but his dedication to work - he was a serious workaholic. He also returned to his routine of going out with the guys regularly (once or twice a week)which means we only spent one or two nights a week together. We got divorced within a year of returning. My best friend had, like yours, seen some red flags and expressed concern. Wish I'd listened!

Just some balance for all the we just met and married success stories.

Shannon wrote: ...you need to see them in surroundings that at least somewhat resembles your everyday life.

This. Peace Corps is an adventure. You need to see this guy when he's dealing with mundane, every-day life -- and how he treats you in that context.

Years ago (early 20s), I met an AMAZING guy. We were both Americans studying abroad. We had a TON in common, were madly in love, and spent the summer exploring new, exciting places together.

We stayed together more than four years after returning to the states and moved in together. It was back home that I realized that, when dealing with financial stress, job loss, dissatisfaction with his job, etc, that he was...well...kinda MEAN. Whenever we traveled, he was back to the warm, kind, exciting, spontaneous guy I met abroad. Then we'd return home, and he was back to doom and gloom. Thank goodness I didn't marry him fresh off our whirlwind, international romance.

I agree with Joe J. I was thinking the same things, but he expressed them better.

It might be good to wait a little longer. Maybe meet each others' friends and families while they're home next time. Make it clear this is a serious relationship and they're thinking of marriage, and see what sort of reactions they get.

But people get involved or get married all the time, for all sorts of reasons, good and bad. In the end it works out or it doesn't. You can't always say why or why not. Sometimes the people predicting success or disaster are right, and sometimes they're completely wrong.

Something about the LW touches my heart, and I hope everything works out for them. I may have to give up my self-image as an old grouch.

Most marriages DO NOT end in divorce. At some point, someone pulled that 50+% divorce rate out of their ass and we all accepted it as gospel. And depending on your demographic, your odds of success might be very high.

You don't need years to get to know someone. I knew I wanted to marry my husband 6 months after we met. We ended up waiting another year for logistical reasons, but had we married then, we would have been fine. You don't need lots of time. You just need to have your eyes open.

That said, I think slowing down would be a good idea for the LW. She pins her desire to get married now mostly on the desire for romance. Romance comes and goes. It's still a good story that you met in the Peace Corps and got married a year after returning home.

LW, I believe in love at first sight, or on the first date. I do. I strongly suspected on my first date with my husband that he was "The One." 23 years later, it's clear I was right.

However, I didn't marry him till we'd dated for 5 1/2 years. That was partly because he was younger, and fresh out of a bad engagement when we got together, but also because I was in no hurry.

Here's the thing: True love and true infatuation are indistinguishable for a rock-bottom minimum of 6 months to a year. Get married within that time frame, and you won't know which you have till later. Maybe you'll be lucky; I have friends who got married after three weeks and are still happily married thirty-some years later. Maybe you'll be bored of one another when the newness (and hot getting-to-know-you sex) wears off. It's a toss-up.

Too, I think you don't really know someone till you've been through a serious personal crisis together.

I was at DLI in '91.

As for the divorce rate in America, not 50%, but close enough.

As for the divorce rate in America, not 50%, but close enough.

But if you read further, it explains that that 50% isn't evenly distributed. Your chances of getting a divorce vary widely depending on your demographic.

The 50% number people keep citing makes it seem like marriage is a crapshoot. It's not. There are things you can do to reduce your odds of being on the wrong end of that number.

My husband went through DLI for Russan in 90 and returned as cadre years later. It definitely was life in the bubble. A lot of couples who got together there are no longer married.

MonicaP: But if you read further, it explains that that 50% isn't evenly distributed. Your chances of getting a divorce vary widely depending on your demographic.

It also depends upon which marriage you're on, if you read the page. A person on their second or third marriage is more likely to get divorced than the person on their first.

And to extent, the percentage certainly high enough in any demographic to make marriage a crapshoot, or at least not a safe bet.

And I certainly wouldn't dispute that there are things you can do to make divorce less likely. Like getting to know the person and what cohabitation means...you know, stuff that people with common sense tend to do before marrying.

Patrick, people who cohabitate have higher divorce rates.

NicoleK, then perhaps a lot of these people didn't know what cohabitation meant before they decided to do it.

I personally hate the idea of living with someone else. When I meet someone, I'd just as soon they'd be at their best, and give me time to prepare so I can be at my best. I'd rather not have to see someone at their best, worst and every point in between.

I think if most people thought about what it meant to actually have to live with someone and worse, share a bed with them, I think most people would never do it.

NicoleK, that's a pretty meaningless statistic. Correlation is not causation. It is very possible that people who live together before getting married are people who have different religious views than those who insist on marriage first, and because of those views are less inimical to divorce. It's also possible that younger people are more likely to live together before marriage than older people are, and that skews the figures. With a self-selected group, drawing conclusions is an exercise in futility.

Now, if you could randomly select a couple-thousand couples who have been dating for six months, require half of them to marry immediately and the other half to live together for two years before marrying, then check up on them all 15 years later, you might have something.

Joe J said: "A real common interst, going peace corp is not a minor undertaking like "liking band X" SInce they both did it it says they have some core beliefs in common."

I just want to disagree with that. People often do the same things, but for all sorts of reasons. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter because I love animals and wanted to be a vet. Some people do it because they have court-mandated community service - one such person I heard of put a puppy in with a pit bull to "see what would happen" and thought it was fun to cut cats' whiskers off. Saying that the LW and her SO must share "core beliefs" is like saying that all Republicans or all Democrats agree on all the issues.

I'm sure many people join the Peace Corps for ideological reasons, but I think serving in the Peace Corps also helps pay off part of your college student loans, depending on how long you serve. I only remember that because I seriously considered it for that reason.

Be bold and courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Well, just another comment about DLI. (I was there 93-94, studying Russian, down the hill if you are interested). I only know of a few people who got married there because they were young and silly. Some got married so they could get out of the barracks. One couple I know made no secret of that fact - it was well known among their friends and acquaintances. Their home over at Fort Ord was party central. They divorced shortly after getting to their first duty station. She came from an intensely devout Catholic family, too, and she did NOT tell her family about her marriage. She did get married to someone else during that first tour, and everyone was all worried about someone letting slip to her family that she had been married previously. All this drama - just to get out of the barracks and get a little privacy.

OK then Dana and Patrick, show me where cohabitation leads to lower divorce rates, which is Patrick's original idea unless I read him wrong.

Yeah, you can say that maybe the cohabitation statistic is misleading, but that's the only one we have.

So I think it's fine if a couple wants to cohabitate, but if they don't want to I don't see a reason to push them into it.

Here's to the 4 year engagement!

Ok, I served in the Peace Corps, and if OP has known him 2 months, they aren't even done with pre-service training yet! They are in country but probably don't even know where they will each be stationed. My guess is that they are hoping that if they return to country married, Peace Corps will feel obligated to place them together. Guess what, OP: It's not gonna happen. It is a bitch and a half to place married couples at the same site, which is why PC _rarely_ accepts married couples at all, let alone ones who are accepted separately and get married in PST. Odds are better that they will be admin-sep'd, aka booted, or offered early termination.

OP and her gentleman friend are enjoying a delightful distraction from culture shock. Normal, typical, but oh god, don't get married.

I've never heard, nor could I imagine hearing, anyone say, "I really regret not marrying my spouse more hastily."

Lived in three different countries over four years, have played this out in my life and seen many many do it, KatieP at September 30 said it best.

What I found was that who he was under extremes, was not the normal day-to-day man, that is the man you need to marry, that is the one you'll be living with...

Enjoy each other while you can, if it is real, you'll both be back. .