Very good advice. It will boil down to "keep your disagreements civil, or you don't get to disagree at all."

I think everyone in relationships should follow this rule.

"Every time you do, you claw a chunk out of his love and goodwill for you, weakening your relationship."

Very well put, and very accurate. An old GF of mine clawed chunks out by putting me down, making me believe I didn't deserve her (I didn't, but not in the way she meant), and making me believe she could do better. When I dumped her (after an 11 year relationship) it must've seemed to her like it happened with shocking suddenness, but the truth is it was YEARS in the making.

FWIW, now I'm married to a woman who treats me with love and respect, and I treat her the same. Even when we disagree with do so respectfully.

You fear that you're sending the relationship down the break-up path—because amazingly enough, that's exactly what you're doing.

One of two things is true: one) You're in a parent-child relationship and acting out. It's likely things will never get better, so enjoy the misery if you plan to stay. Two) You're actually in a bad relationship that your psyche is telling you to exit, and your refusal to heed this is making you angry.

No question about the advice -- that seems like the way to go. Here's something I was thinking about, though: How does she go about analyzing why she treats her boyfriend that way? Would plain old introspection do it?

Reason I'm thinking about this is that this letter reminds me of a couple of buddies who were married to women who were generally interesting, intelligent, and attractive, but had really volcanic tempers. Of course I was never in a position to figure out why, but I wonder if anyone was.

Soooo...assuming she would never be so bunny-boiler towards strangers, the letterwriter treats her loved one worse than she would ever treat a stranger. Yeah, that pretty much closes the case on whether she deserves a dumping.

My utterly unscientific diagnosis: typical fear of abandonment stuff expressing itself via her pre-emptive nuking of the relationship. She needs some help unpacking this, before it becomes a defining part of her adult life.

Sounds to me like she needs to talk to a third party, preferably someone who is skilled and certified in being able to help people sort out this kind of thing!

I'm going to be harsh here for a moment and suggest that what she really is, is an abuser. I'll bet she doesn't talk to gfs or co-workers that way, but she unleashes all her pent up frustrations on him. If a guy wrote this letter we would jump all over him. Just bc there is an expectation that women can be bitches, doesn't mean that that type of behavior doesn't fall under the category of abuse. In fact, this type of fly off the handle rage is usually the first stage of the cycle.

LW, you need anger management counseling before you destroy not just this relationship, but any future relationships with your children. My guess is that anyone you perceive as weaker than you is a target for your rage. If you find that taking Amy's very reasonable advice doesn't help you, get professional help. Please do it before you marry someone and damn sure before you have kids. Motherhood can be a thankless, frustrating job at times and you need to know how to keep your cool before you say or DO something you will regret.

Get thee to a Psychiatrist, LW.
You say you can't disagree without blowing up? Have you always been like this? Is it just with your BF, or do you act the same way with other people? A doctor will be able to help you unravel all the possible physical and mental issues causing these temper flare-ups, and help you get what you need to control them.

Note to self: "Never stick your d!ck in crazy."

My low tinder threshold comes from my father. We all have things we struggle with. With me, one of the great ones is this. I feel a great whoooseee of fire taking off in me, for something quite minor. It's hard to control, yet I must. There might be some merit, but the reaction inside me is way out of control. Did I mention that my father had this too.

It took me a while growing up to stop thi taking hold of me and I'm still not perfect. It's a matte, mostly of identifying when the match is being put to the tinder and not letting it ignite. It's a matter of meditation so that I can roll with things better in general.

Just giving my two cents. I don't know if this is what's going on with the LW. It could be.

The advice to step back if you can't be civil is excellent. I find that, actually, engaging with an issue you have with a loved one when angry/in the heat of the moment is not generally constructive. It's better to understand your anger, figure out if what's made you angry is actually the cause or a symptom of pattern or problem. Then bring it up, calmly and concisely.

Sounds like you might be an abuser. If so, and you want to fix it, then you may need to think of yourself as a recovering abuser.

I have a German/Irish temper. Long fuse, burns like a supernova when it does go off. I have learned to put myself into "Time out" until I can rationally discuss and/or deal with people without letting my anger degrade my vocab to "Kat mad! Kat beat you! ARGH!"

Keeping a civil tongue in your head and discussing things that you may not agree with are skills you aquire, you are not born with them. Also, turning into a Harpy and verbally clawing someone's eyes out is abusive, so the sooner you get help, the better.

On the positive side admitting you are the problem is the first step to recovery.
As to how to figure out why and how to fix it. introspection might work, but I'd first ask long term friends/family a few questions which might clue into what was going on.
1. Am I this way with everyone?
Just guys/bfs?
or just him?
2. Did this start recently or has it been going on for ever or did it grow?
these should help narrow down the problem.

Sounds like a princess syndrome.

Go learn respect towards men.
Then argue with them.