Yeesh. LW, you need to back off some, and let him miss you. Which he may not, given that the ex is almost always in the picture. Have the talk with him, yeah, but it's got to be a make it or break it one. He has to break with her, no matter HOW upset she gets. She is not a healthy person, emotionally, and he's not much better. You can probably do better for yourself, but in the end, it's your call. Good luck!

I'm very good friends with a few of my exes, but I've never made them like each other! A couple of them can't be in the same room, so I make sure they're never together. I won't let a partner tell me I can't catch up with someone I used to be involved with from time to time, but this is way over the top.

and she refused to even let me into their house

Just.... wow.

The guy must be something pretty special.

Wow. That first sentence really doesn't go with the rest of her letter.

LW, you sound like a reasonable and rational person, so why did you start/keep dating a man who was living with the ex who refused to let you in the house? I know it's hard now that you're two years in, but it looks like there were plenty of big, flashy DON'T DATE HIM!! signs when you first started going out? Oh, wait...

She seems to require a level of coddling and emotional support that I don't.

Hmmm. So, did you want the coddling and are just upset it's not directed at you? Because the other obvious answer is that you purposely chose a man who was unavailable. Like really unavailable. Like might-as-well-be-marooned-on-Ceti-Alpha-Five unavailable. Because, as I said earlier, you sound totally reasonable other than that, so I have to wonder.

She's been enduring this for two years?

Well, I suppose under that situation, Amy gave the best advice. I would have advised her to just leave.

why did you start/keep dating a man who was living with the ex who refused to let you in the house?

NumberSix, I refer you to my last comment. The man is obviously a god. *My* last gf and one ex used to gang up on me...

Patrick, I agree you if only because I would lay any money he and the ex were still sleeping together when they were technically broken up but still roommates. Maybe they stopped the day he met the LW. Maybe.

I don't think you should have a talk with him. I think you should move on.

I think he's sort of stringing the ex along. Maybe they're friends with benefits but even if they aren't he's giving her hope in one way or another. That's why the ex sees you as a threat, she doesn't see them as being completely broken up. Because they're not.

Move on.

Someone allowed herself to be treated badly for two years and has decided to complain about it now. She's learning.

The guy is not something. She is something else. On the level of a doormat, evidently. You will be treated as badly as you allow yourself to be. No worse.

She has to decide if he's worth the long overdue ultimatum, or if she should just move on.

Welcome to the world of being a spare tire. Granted—a spare tire who gets one of her own custom-fit, plush-lined storage cases (since your relationship is so "good" and "loving").

Her rudeness is how she demonstrates that she has greater sway over the situation than you do. But don't blame her, blame him for giving her that power over him, and by extension over you.

You cannot change them. so you need to stop playing the game they have going. Dump him, hard, by telling him why he is dumped. And tell them you wish them (and it is them, not him) no luck finding another third party to play what is your role, the one they cruelly create for people without prior warning.

This is really sick. LW, you need to ask yourself why you are really tolerating this behavior. Here's a clue, it's not bc he is so awesome. My guess is that if your best friend or sister was in this relationship, you would advise them to get out of it pronto. You need to figure out why you feel like you deserve less and then work on correcting that attitude. I know it seems easy to blame the other girl for this, but it's not her fault. Sure, she might be street rat crazy, but HE is the one choosing to stay with her. Obviously, he is still getting some critical need met by that relationship and that need is more important than you. Two years of your life is enough to waste. Do yourself a favor and move on, but keep your eyes open next time.

Riffing on Sheepmommy's point above, what is it about this boyfriend that makes him a keeper? Just look at the letter:

Afterward, I told him it was awkward spending the day with someone who has issues with me. He became angry ...
That's not your fault. It's his.

He'll also go to events and not invite me because she'll be there.
Based on that, whom does he value?

I'm positive they're done romantically ...
Given abundant evidence to the contrary, what evidence supports this contention?

When I try to discuss this, he blows up. (Our relationship is otherwise good and loving.)
"Blows up" and "good and loving" aren't exactly phrases that go well together.

So, this guy is boyfriend material? It might sound counterintuitive, but having no boyfriend is often better than sticking with a bad one.

Two years. Two. YEARS. Two sets of holidays, birthdays, anniversaries (if you like that sort of thing)(which I do), and a very special ex-girlfriend. I wonder how the three of them handled that.

Personally, I would not have gotten into a setup where the ex was still living there, unless wedging myself between them was my goal. "We're just roommates now", sounds too much like "We're separated, we really are, just can't afford the divorce yet". Yeah, right.

Somebody definitely needs to move on, and I think it's the new girlfriend, cuz it seems like he's not done with the old one yet.

"So, this guy is boyfriend material? It might sound counterintuitive, but having no boyfriend is often better than sticking with a bad one."

My friend's Great Grandma Alice used to say that wasting time with Mr. Wrong means that you're unavailable when Mr. Right comes along.

The only thing worse than being alone is wishing you were.

During their 14-year relationship, he says they had a codependency....

Had a codependency?

As Amy put it, she's his "human binky."

Meanwhile, he's her fallback. She'll make sure things with the girlfriend remain prickly because she needs him to be single (or able to quickly become single) when her biological clock starts ticking and her bat-shit craziness has ensured she's alone in the world.

And all this means neither of them have to actually grow up and enter an adult relationship.

LW needs to dump this guy fast. Not just because the ex's hangnail emergency will take priority over driving the her to the hospital for that pesky ruptured appendix, but because neither she nor their relationship nor their children will ever merit serious emotional commitment in his life. He'll flee the moment things get rough (probably back to his binky to be told it's not his fault).

Lots of right-on comments here today. This co-dependency is FAR from over, LW. You should step away from him, tell him the reason, then watch him run to her for support. Because he will, and she'll probably relish the attention. Time will pass, MAYBE he'll remember all the reasons he & she broke up, and then come to his senses. My hunch is that by then you'll be long gone, hopefully off with someone who is really available and doesn't try to manipulate you into a 'casual friendship' that is in reality an emotionally hurtful situation.

To quote another advice columnist, Dan Savage: DTMFA: Dump The MotherF*cker Already.

Geez. Why have you put up with this as long as you have?

Also, life is about tradeoffs. Sometimes, it's worth it to somebody to keep somebody in their life who might have some issues. They will dump the person when the issues become too much for them.

Ann Landers used to instruct people who wrote her to complain about a spouse to ask themselves "am I better off with him or without him?" and when (and if) the answer reached "without" it was time to leave.

It sounds like LW is getting to "without."

IMHO, the LW, the commenters, and even Amy herself have over-complicated this one. The simpler answer is that the guy's previous relationship was never truly over (prolly never will be), so he's not free to begin a new one. LW has gotten suckered by a convincing argument (at least to her ears), and she is the one being strung along. How often do we hear a version this story from the "other woman", about the married cheater who would like to leave his wife but can't for any number of reasons? Am I the only one that sees this elephant in the room?

I don't like Dan Savage. As far as I can tell, the "hook" of his column is not in his sound, insightful, wise advice. It's the fact that his letters describe relationships so bizarre, that his column exhibits the "car accident syndrome." No one can look away.

Amy's column has more universal appeal. It covers relationship issues that are more likely experienced by the reader or experienced by someone the reader knows.

Yes, it might be interesting to read a letter from the woman who's transgendered boyfriend cheated on her with a circus elephant and now wants to have a threesome (just to make up something off-the-wall that might appear in a Savage column), but I would wager to say that more of us know of someone whose current S.O. might be overly attached to his ex.

And there is the fact that Savage is also fixated with the coarsest language possible.

Get out of there, do not look back! I'm in a similar situation, on the back end of a twenty-year nightmare. About seven years ago, when the economy took a crap and it was financially impossible to leave; I decided to use the time to build my own business.

I'm soon to be out of here, financially able to avoid getting into another relationship. I came into the relationship independent but allowed myself to sink to a point where I thought I deserved the bad treatment.

He is still looking out for her feelings over mine, while trying to hang on to me, because I'm trustworthy with the money. I have many health problems now, because of the stress and I'm feeling really old at the age of fifty.

There are good guys out there, he isn't one of them!

"I'm positive they're done romantically, but he's abnormally protective of her"

I doubt it. If I may be more blunt and crass than usual: Almost certainly he's banging her, or if not, he wishes he was banging her. I'll bet money on it.

" They were still roommates when we started dating, and she refused to even let me into their house"
Talk about a giant red flag waving and completely ignored.

Ok the obvious answer is to leave, but that will be ignored.A second possibility revolves around a few questions: were they married? did they have kids together? It would make everyone sound saner if those were true. I doubt it, but, it would make the LW sound saner.

I have one other question with this: the ex, in the 2 years you two have been together has the ex dated anyone? Why not, aside from her being dependent on him? Ever try to fix her up with someone, either a bf or a psychiatrist. Admittedly, I had gotten into a similar, though way less crazy, situation by fixing the ex up within a month.

Gosh -
so many things wrong with this. The first and most important is that you are not first in his priorities - hard to handle that. I actually had a similar situation when I started dating my husband.

He was still friends with his ex and they shared a lot (work; pet; friends etc) and from day one I was uncomfortable. I wavered on making it a deal breaker since we had just started dating; and quite frankly was prepared to walk away. But after a candid conversation where I explained how awkward it was and how I didn't feel like messing with his friendship, but knew that we would never go any further - it was up to him to make a decision on who he wanted in his life.

It would have been hard for me to let go of the relationship, but I know myself well enough to see that it would have never worked - I would have been miserable if he continued to be that close and that protective.

Don't be the second choice here - if your feelings don't matter to him now how on earth will they matter to him in the future?