This guy needs to learn the meaning of "common denominator".

This guy needs to learn the meaning of "common denominator".

Whats his problem?

He is.

So? Shes fat, stupid, none too attractive, probably smells and you dont love her, find her attractive, or get turned on by her but you still crave fucking her?

Christ, usually these thing have pretty obvious solutions. My advice? Avoid relationships until after several years of intensvie therapy to figure out what your problems are

Amy-- You shoulda sent him to Dr Glover also.

He's the male version of the "gotta have a man on my arm to feel good" woman. She'll go out with any old creep, just to prove she's worth something, even an abusive creep in a wife-beater and jams.

LW, you don't need a relationship right now, you need to work on yourself. Take yourself to the nearest gym, or get a personal trainer if you can afford it. Take up that hobby you've always wanted to try, be it photography or spear-fishing or mountain climbing. Get a dog and train it to play frisbee. Stop thinking about what you don't have, and work on what you do have, which is yourself.

I promise you, you will be amazed at what life will be like once you stop obsessing, and start being the kind of person that women will look at and say "He looks interesting/fun/nice. I would like to get to know him better".

What Kat said. It's advice I could have used in my HS and college days, when I was the prototype for "nerd." I joined the Marines - rather drastic, but I became more what I wanted to be. Not for all, but I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Let me add that Dale Carnegie or Toastmasters will help make you less hesitant to talk about the new you in a confident manner.

It's not hard to see why he's not attracted to the women he hooks up with. The kind of women who would settle for a guy with all the aggression of a soap bubble must be pretty hard up themselves. And I assume that it's for a reason.

I have (or had, hopefully), the same problem as LW. I was brought up not to like myself and so when people decided they liked me—I liked them.

Have to agree with Kat to a point.

Sure you go on a date maybe even a second with someone you aren't particularly attracted to, because first impressions can be wrong and who knows. But you don't continue to date, let alone marry them, if no spark develops.

Let me add that Dale Carnegie or Toastmasters will help make you less hesitant to talk about the new you in a confident manner.

Toastmasters has helped my colleague immensely, professionally at least.

Being a nerd myself I know many men like this guy, from my mentor when I interned in college who said he slept with his wife and then felt he had to marry her to my colleague above who confuses being nice with being a pushover. The difference between them and my nerd husband is exactly as Amy says: self-confidence and a sense of self-worth that doesn't depend on the attachment of another.

I agree with David. If, when you're young, you are told that you ugly, stupid, and nerd, etc., you can get into a miondset when anytime anyone (especially someone of the opposite sex) actually is interested in you, you consider it nothing short of a miracle, and hang on to them for dear life. This can get you into some pretty lopsided, bad relationships.

Ummm, did you ask any attractive women out, or do you imagine that they are all looking at you with barely-veiled contempt? Get some self-esteem and go for it.

There are men who are attracted to fat gals, but you're obviously not one of them. So do what you have to do to make yourself more attractive, and GO FOR IT ALREADY!

alittlesense, you're right. I remember a conversation I had more than twenty years ago. Told a couple of guys that men seemed to believe that any woman could bed any guy she wanted, but that it wasn't true, and I hated to think of the ones that had gotten away. I was, at the time, 30 and reasonably good-looking. (I am now 53 and reasonably good-looking. For 53.) They were stunned. Shocked. Incredulous. They could not believe that a cute, personable woman could *ever* be turned down for sex. They both asserted that they would never, ever turn any woman down for sex.

They were both scruffy, unattractive hippie-types, badly dressed, unkempt, underemployed if employed at all, and displaying pretty minimal social skills. I thought "Yeah, that's 'cause you never, ever get laid."

This guy sounds apathetic to the max. I gotta wonder if the LW has ever truly WANTED anyone or anything enough to go after it. Medication and therapy can help with that, you know.

Amy, if I may ask, what was it about you that made you have no friends, and what qualities did you change?

It's interesting that LW seems to have picked out and constructed his question around the least troubling aspect of his situation: his feelings for his ex. Experiencing post-breakup LW "cravings" for an ex is hardly unusual; and in and of itself it's not a serious problem. After all, no matter how repulsive and awful his ex was, she was still a huge part of his life for years and it's going to take time to adjust. And undoubtably this adjustment period has been exacerbated the fact that he hasn't slept with or dated anyone new in three years.

But all of this is minor and tangental compared to LW's real problem: the serious and crippling insecurities and confidence issues that got him into the situation in the first place. Dealing with these issues is not going to be as simple as the "Get out there and meet new people!" approach that would work if his problem was merely getting over an ex. And again I can't help wondering if he structured his question hoping for that type of quick fix, or the reassurance that there was nothing all that wrong with him. But unfortunately it sounds like he needs to be prepared for some serious personal development and soul searching, hopefully with the help of a strong support system and good therapist.

Amy, if I may ask, what was it about you that made you have no friends, and what qualities did you change?

Patience, grasshoppa, it'll be a book soon enough!

Seriously, tho' you could replace Amy with Kat and have my life story. Made my first real friend in the 10th grade, and she's the only friend that I still talk to from those days. Being a tall, skinny, smart (and smartassed) kid that moved every year or 2 until 7th grade, I never got to close to anyone because I knew that I'd just have to leave again.(that story later)

For most men, the advice of "Get out there and meet new people, do things you like to do, be the kind of person you'd be attracted to, just man up and learn how to be rejected, etc." is spot-on. But if LW's past involves abuse, mental/emotional disorder, or severe codependency, all the advice and information in the world can't help him. Sometimes the blocks to growth are too big to overcome with knowledge alone. Therapy and/or 12-step recovery may be needed, there could be compulsive and powerless-ness components to his action-less-ness.

Given what little we know about the OP....my guess is that almost 100% of women will turn him down...at most go on a single date with him and then kick him to the curb. One's that will actually stay with him will be quite desperate and probably not much more to his liking.

I would never have approached her, as I'm not attracted to her. ... I've been in five one-sided relationships that started like this one, with my fear, insecurity, or laziness allowing me to be led in.

Sounds like LW isn't approaching the ones he IS attracted to, either.

There is something worse than being alone: It's being in a relationship with someone you can't stand.

There is something worse than being alone: It's being in a relationship with someone you can't stand.
MonicaP Wins the thread!

Amy, isn't there some kind of statute of limitations on this kind of situation? The guy hasn't gotten any in three years, my impression would be that it's "anything goes" after that long.

To mis-quote "Super," you might try filling the void left by someone you care about with someone you don't quite so much.