Hey, love reading your blog. Sounds very familiar. Very good advice mediate. However, my girlfriend has proven to be extremely immature and won't come to mediate. She can't accept that the relationship is over for reasons much more "unfixable" than a privacy setting. She want's power and control over my investment and won't accept the fact that she isn't capable nor has the skills to finish this project off like a professional. In fact, this is not about taking sides. There is only one side and it's the "we're over" forever. Can you please help my girlfriend to accept that she needs to move on. This is financial abuse, a form of domestic violence at this point and I want nothing to do with her. EVER!

Move out, Priscilla

If someone comes to me with a problem, I offer a solution. If I don't have one, I'll try to find one. That's how guys are.

Let me just say I'd rather have a root canal without anesthesia than listen to endless complaining about a problem for which someone does not want to hear a solution. It hurts to see someone you care about suffer.

@MarkD: "If someone comes to me with a problem, I offer a solution. If I don't have one, I'll try to find one. That's how guys are."

Precisely, MarkD. Which is why the boyfriend, as Miss Alkon points out, seems to be a decent chap. I'm sure it does bother him to see his girlfriend in so much pain. He was a little clumsy, maybe, but I'm sure betrayal was the farthest thing from his mind.

Well said MarkD.
It is pretty much the nature of guys: talking about a problem usually means I am asking for help or advice on it now, with a minor percentage being I'm just blowing off steam. While with women it's the opposite, usually they are hust blowing off steam, but sometimes they want advice/help. This mismatch is a lot of couples problems.

She's angry with her parents for putting her in an impossible spot, and she's taking it out on the safe person in her life - her boyfriend.

Amy's advice - thanking him, and then explaining the 'privacy settings' misses only one thing - an apology for thinking that he had somehow betrayed her trust.

So let me get this straight—you're upset with your BF for trying to get some good advice to pass along to you?

You're an idiot.

I second/third all the above, it's normal and natural for a guy to try do something to help. Saying "compromised your trust" seems a bit extreme and ungrateful for trying to do something helpful. Expectations regarding privacy differ widely between individuals.

Catholic services probably doesn't have a clue who you are, so its generic advice and I imagine the boyfriend finds his parents pretty trustworthy! It's not like he's asking every person he meets while pointing to you and tsking about the family mess. And he hasn't called Montel or Springer or any of those goons!

I think it's incredibly sweet that he cares enough to try to identify a solution. I would melt.

It's interesting to hear the comments from men who say they are the solution-seeking gender. Years ago when I was desperately trying to save my marriage I poured through a ton of relationship books (FYI: save your money. You'll need it for the divorce). I seem to recall the claim that women tended to provide solutions to guys who were frustrated because they were just trying to vent. I think it was that Mars/Venus one. Does anybody remember for sure? And which is the norm anyway?

Oh, she's not an idiot for being upset that her boyfriend spread the word to Catholic Charities and his parents that her home life is a wreck. It was sweet that he wanted to help, but he probably should have kept that info to himself.

But to break your trust, LW, he would had to have known that this was secret information in the first place. Some people need to be hit with a sledgehammer on this stuff. Next time, when you want him to keep something private, tell him so.

And assuming she's not complaining nonstop, it's OK for a man to listen every once in awhile without offering a solution. It's not like this guy's parents are going to know how to make her parents stop being douchebags, so he could just listen and offer some sympathy.

This letter writer is, "trying to forgive him". Jesus fucking Christ. What would happen if he actually did something wrong?

My advice is not for the letter writer, but for her boyfriend -- run, and fast.

Back to addressing the letter writer: this guy cares about your problem. He may have handled it a bit ham-handedly, but he was thinking about your welfare long after your conversation was over and he could get back to whatever, probably more interesting, thing that he was doing.

The right thing for you to do would be to apologize for being so sensitive, make clear that future problems should be more confidential, offer your sincerest thanks for caring, and give him a proper dick sucking.

He didn't break any trust, but he also made the (very common) mistake of sharing information that wasn't his to share.

His motive was good, which ultimately is the important part. I think Amy's on target with the advice to discuss privacy settings. The issue with the BF is a bump in the road - move on.

The ongoing issue is parents who won't respect boundaries. Is there an adult in that marriage, anywhere?

Did the letter writer have permission to share her parents' information with the BF?

LW needs to stop being a baby and get over herself, and then give her BF a BIG hug and thank him for being so kind, and THEN she should apologize for thinking that he broke her trust. He did not.

Oh yeah, we got power back at 4:20 this morning!

But before we got power back, I was being a big baby and bitching and moaning about how cold it was going to get with no heat. The gas heater's thermostat is turned on by, yep, electricty! So, even though I was being a bitch for a while, Thursday night, before we went to bed, I was doing a crossword puzzle by candlelight, and BF was snoozing on the sofa. He got up, handed me a flashlight and said "coming to bed?" I said "in a minute" and he took his little flashlight and went into the bedroom. Couple, three minutes later, I got up, blew out the candle, took my flashlight and went into the bedroom, and BF was lying in the bed, under the covers, on my side. I asked "what are you doing?" and he said "warming your side of the bed for you."

Mad passionate sex ensued!

(Am I lucky or what??)

My wife and I took a while to figure this one out, but eventually I learned to ask her: "Do you want me to fix this, or just validate?"

Most of the time, she just wants me to validate - shut up and listen and stop trying to drown her in solutions. Oddly, I want her to validate me, too - I usually feel better if I come up with my own solutions. I am working on feeling grateful rather than resentful when she fixes something for me, though. :)