I speak from experience, and believe me when I tell you, this. Will. NOT. Last. Not for you, anyway. For HIM, well, if he's always checking up on [you], and doubing where [you are], now, just wait. It'll get worse. Needy? Clingy? In less than a year, you'll need a restaining order just to get rid of him, so do yourself a favor and do it now. You write "It's like I'm taking care of a child." You ARE. And that's no way to have a relationship. Please please please get out now. Get him out of your house, get him out of your life. A meth dealer? Sheeeesh. You'd be better off with a pot-smoking grad student. At least he would have some prospects. This guy's got nothin'. That little "itch" in the pit of your stomach? That feels like a little pebble, that little inkling you got that said "dang. this is wrong on so many levels? Yeah. LISTEN to it. Please, I'm beggin' ya, and I don't even know you.

This will end well.

Do it over text.

Yeah, this doesn't sound like a healthy future. Take Amy's advice.

I'm not a fan of methamphetamine. What if the guy sold liquor, though? I know that might not be in the same ballpark considering you need to have the tools to convince someone to loan you the dough to get a bottle shop running, but...how do liquor and meth compare on the dignity scale? I have seen some drinkers with bad smiles and gin blossoms. I have seen a LOT of different types of people who have used methamphetamine, too.

What happens when we legalize methamphetamine?

Not trying to make excuses, cuz this sounds like miserable relationship.

I met this man, and it was instant attraction.

Considering what comes after, this is the most worrying statement in the letter. LW, you need to take a long, long look at why this was instant attraction for you, given all the problems you describe (especially since those problems were right there waving at you as you drove up to the first date). Because loving=/=always checking up on you and doubting where you are.

I hope she figures it out before she has to scrape his lowlife friends out of her house. And there will be lowlife "friends". Oh yes.

This woman is a perfect poster child for the post-feminist hell where Hanna Rosin meets Heartiste.

Amy thinks this woman's recklessness is the product of her hesitance to own up to her mistakes. But maybe LW's real problem is that she has spent a couple of decades dating and it's only the really bad boys who can now pull her heartstrings.

Puhleeze. What does Amy know about the ways of love? Go with your heart and put forth every ounce of energy and resources into cultivating this relationship. I can guarantee you won't regret it. No, not at all.

Per the LW: "I'm trying my best to forget about the material things and just base this on love."

Okay, some non-material things, stated plainly by the LW: He's needy, always checking up on her (meaning he doesn't seem to trust her), and dependent on her for rides and meals.

And she's getting, in return, what? Attention? Affection? He must be really something to make that a good trade.

Oh, and Miss Alkon: I liked the phrase "braying ego" very much. Subtly buried in the text, yet sharp enough to find an artery!

While I am enough of a fuzzy-headed optimist to believe that someone *could* make a stupid mistake, end up paying for it, and go on to lead a sensible life (a college boyfriend of mine dealt speed . . . it was stupid, he did it in small amounts to fellow students at our Ivy League school in the pre-Adderal era when speed was the "study drug" for some kids. I don't defend this, and he's lucky he didn't get caught, instead he graduated, and went on to lead a normal productive life as an architect . . . but he *could* have been that guy. One bad decision to sell to the wrong person or whatever and he could have gone to jail as a dealer). All of that said, this doesn't sound like that kind of situation, because it sounds like the guy is still f*ed up in many ways. If she said he was sorry for his stupid decisions, was working on getting a good job and making amends, and such . . . fine. But even without the jail term to controlling behavior and lack of ambition would be red flags. With the jail term? Whole UN worth of red flags.

I foresee another Real Life Crime (this one featuring a missing/dead 40-year old woman) on the ID channel. Should first air, on, oh, September 2014

Good comment, Anathema.

Two thoughts:

1) Instant attraction =/= love. Sheesh. This is what comes of centuries of telling women that nice girls are only interested in sex in the context of looooove -- they get hot pants for a guy and figure it must mean something more than physical chemistry, and that there's some deeper meaning to it. Occasionally there is, but quite a lot of the time there's not.

2) That possessive, checking up on you, doubting you thing? That's one of the screaming signs of a potential abuser.

I am trying to find something productive to say but all I can think is "Are you fucking STUPID, 'Weary'?!" There are red flags, sirens, HUGE warning signs, and caution tape around this "relationship" and the best she can come up with is "love"!?

Maybe I've just been exposed to way to much of this in the past few weeks and it's made me incredibly unsympathetic to her plight. Why do people do this?! I've seen three different relationships implode, one resulting in a call to the police, in the last month and cannot for the life of me get the female (in these situations) to just admit that they fucked up by staying to begin with! One of them is still holding out hope that "love" will prevail. It leaves me scratching my head every time.

I struggle to understand this too. Yet... I was once in a relationship (married her, no less) not fundementally different from this. She didn't deal drugs or hang out with criminals, but she wasn't averse to credit card fraud and a bit of prostitution on the side. She was basically the same type of person... an overgrown child who was all take and no give, and assumed that the rules of social conduct didn't apply to her.

So why did I do it? Short answer: I didn't think I had a choice. I assumed, from my experiences growing up, that (1) all relationships were like that, and (2) I was part of an "untouchable" class (in the sense of the Indian caste system) and that I had to accept any woman who would have me, or else be forever alone. None of it was true, but this was how I saw things when I was 25.

So LW, where are you? Not geographically, but in terms of how you see relationships. Is this what you think you have to do in order to have a man in your life? Do you equate lack of abuse with lack of interest? Do you, have you ever, really, had experience interacting with a man in a close-but-not-romantic context?

Chances are, if this guy did a four year stint in prison, it was not simply a situation in which he was caught selling meth. He either isn't telling the LW the whole story of this lone incarceration (Whaaa?! An ex-con who isn't truthful?) or he has enjoyed a number of previous stays at the governor's mansion.
Her naivety (or maybe it's willful ignorance) to the overwhelming presence of red flags is a trait that draws this type of person to her - he's a predator, plain and simple, and my guess is he isn't some poor slob that got a bad break (which I'm sure was the schtick he sold her), but a long-time criminal with a history of using others to get what he needs in order to get by. At least until his next vacation at Convict Inn.

I have 2 words for the LW. Run. Now.

I can see it now, the LW to her female acquaintance, the back of her hand on her forehead, "Why, oh why, is it so hard to find a Good Man, a Nice Guy who 'gets' me, that is loving and kind and gentle?" But this guy is what revs her engine, and she has no idea why, or how to say no. Such is the power of denial, all the more convenient that she tossed accountability out from the start. I'd laugh, but as someone said already this might end with a crime scene or a missing persons report.

Where do you even -meet- an ex-convict meth dealer? Where do they even hang out?

Did she sign up for one of those convict penpal things? I feel like you'd have to... I mean, you don't meet them at work or the library. Did she go out of her way to meet someone who would depend on her so much?

There arent just red flag, the flags are being held but circus freaks doing homoerotic acrobatics, and the mime in the corner is (really)screaming into a (real) megaphone trying to get your attention

They deserve each other. Leave them alone. At least they took each other out of the dating pool. She fails to use the least bit of basic sense and he is a skeevy, controlling, felonious dealer. What could go wrong?

She should probably just go ahead and drive her car down to the police station and hand it in.

If he's been dealing in the places to which she drives him, she's an accessory and her car is probably seizable.

Hope, for her sake, he's not living at her house.

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Does he have a cell phone with a listed number, or is it an uregistered disposable?

Does he wear a hoodie or baggy jeans even on warm days?

Does he suddenly leave to "take a walk" after receiving a phone call?

Does he spend a lot of time playing basketball down at the park with his "friends?"

Does his place smell funky? Does he smell funky?

Does he eat a lot of mints? Or smoke constantly?

Do the "errands" on which you're driving him include stops at "this guy's" apartment in a part of town that makes you rethink your position on concealed carry laws?

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I'm trying my best to forget about the material things and just base this on love.

How sweet. As any reasonably sane 40-year-old knows, living on love always works out well.

There's even a famous opera about it. Of course, the opera ends with one of them dying of tuberculosis because it seems that love really isn't the only medicine you'll ever need.

"He was selling snortable slow suicide, complete with rotting teeth and a "meth mite" bonus -- nonexistent but seemingly real crawly bugs that users try to dig out from under their skin with their fingernails or sharp objects, leaving some really sexy open sores."

And this drug should be legalized, because people will be responsible. It's not a sign of chronic criminality at all; it's just justification for the militarization of police. No one is really harmed...

According to the blog...

Wow, and this 40 year old woman probably played the pure angel in her last divorce, and no one listened to the husband when she said he was unfit to get the house and kids... Turns out she is a winner.