But where do you think 'a roll in the hay' comes from?

The LW equates acting out impulses with telling the truth. It's as if eating all the chocolate cake you want is more truthful than having a balanced diet. Restraint in a relationship is not playing a game. The most deeply romantic situations involve restraint on both sides that eventually resolves into declarations of love--but not too soon.

You have character?? no you don't cupcake.

you don't have any of our values,
Duty
Honesty
Integrity
Honor
Selfless-Service
Respect
and Personal Courage.
Truth be told, you're a fraud. You couln't hold the attention of the Mickey Mouse Club. I lost a friend named Joshua Riess during 9/11 in the North Tower, you twit, next time you want to bad mouth the TSA, answer me this, what kind of useless words would you Spewing out if you we're on one of those planes on 9/11.

I'd say "Holy Jesus, if only someone had squeezed my balls and irradiated me with a dangerous backscatter machine whose manufacturer had the head of TSA deep in his pockets, none of this would be happening, because the bomb in the hold that they never bothered to detect would somehow not go off!".

And then I'd wonder how a pilot trainee who couldn't control a single-engine Cessna was somehow, amazingly, flying a multi-engine jetliner like he was the Red Baron on his best day.

Because, yeah, losing a friend on 9/11 means never having to apply rational thought to a problem with airline security forever and ever, amen.

Who's got spew? Nightflyer, that's who. Way to stay on topic, Ace!

LOLOL!!! I so heart Gog and Old RPM Daddy! "Night(mare)flyer", you're the consummate asshole. Apparently YOU are the one needing attention. You and the LW are practically PERFECT for each other. Go for it!!

May as well feed the troll. Nightflyer, I'd be saying, "damn you airline security, you said the best thing to do was to cooperate with hijackers!"

The only plane that didn't hit its target was the one where the passengers did what they weren't supposed to and fought back. Think about that, moron, next time you're obeying the rules all sheep-like. Then have a think about who really killed your friend.

No, no one really anticipated such an event. But what makes you think the TSA are suddenly clairvoyant?

Clip-clop, clip-clop

Oh, pray don't eat Amy! Wait for Dan Savage, he's much bigger.

I think there's a difference between showing the restraint one should when developing any new relationshop ... friend, colleague etc and twisting your personality onto some 'Rules' like code of conduct that will lead you to be someone you're not.

I do believe this is what some women don't understand. You can be yourself - you don't have to follow of set of 'only speak to him for three minutes' rules - but at the same time show some decorum and restraint so that the relationshop has breathing room to grow.

I think LW has been mislead by movies where the woman flatly rejects the man several times, before finally deciding that she was wrong all along and falls in love with him, so thinks that you're telling her she has to pretend to do this. It's not that drastic.

There's a saying I've seen in books many times, that is very similar to the one in the letter: "A woman should let a man chase her until she catches him."

This doesn't mean that you need to push him away. It just means you should make him work for it before you jump into anything heavy with him.

Awesome response! Especially this one:

Men just love to chase things -- women, animals, purse-snatchers

All good humor is rooted in truth, and this one is absolutely hysterical!

Nicely done, Amy, yet again :-)

My philosophy is that dating is like fishing: it's a great activity if you enjoy that kind of thing, but at the end of the day you're still probably gonna have to hit the grocery store. Similarly, dating can be a lot of fun in and of itself, but it often seems to have nothing to do with actually falling in love and finding a meaningful relationship. And thus the "rules" of dating (wait X number of days before calling, don't visit him until he visits you, etc) are useful when your objective is simply dating. But when you meet someone and truly have a connection, things just seem to click, the relationship unfolds organically, and the rules become unnecessary. Almost all successful relationships I've seen seem to follow this pattern.

In other words, if you're relying on a self-help book or Cosmo article to chart the course of your unfolding relationship, it's probably not meant to be. A real and lasting relationship won't need a "painfully conscious strategy" to get off the ground. (And if it's painfully conscious for you to behave in a natural and healthy manner ie not throwing yourself at someone immediately then you need to work on yourself before you're ready for a relationship anyway.)

This is being said, you should also assume that when there's a genuine connection, the guy is going to be drawn to you enough to make a move. You're not tricking him into chasing you; you're just waiting to see if he meets the minimum requirements of being interested. If he doesn't make the move then there never was enough chemistry/attraction to lead to love and a relationship in the first place.

Shannon, what a very wise and helpful post.

A male needs to examine himself, and if it is unfortunately clear that he is bald, blind, and blasted with age, he should look with real suspicion on women throwing themselves at him. Particularly, he should pass on that proffered roll in the hay. And yes, I am remembering that time when I told her, "No. I am not interested in a relationship. Just a casual fling." And she said (of course), "Oh, me too. That's all I'm interested in, too." Not three weeks later I was in the baffled male mode, wondering stupidly "If this is just a casual fling, why does it feel like one of the worst relationships I ever had?" Nothing costs more than free sex.

So for the LW, attempt reserved authenticity. Deserve the name you signed: truth-teller. For the males on whom her sights are set and for whom her schema are woven, make like a hoop and quietly roll away.

Flirting is an Art, it allows the woman to show her interest in a demure fashion so that the man may follow up if he is interested. Men are like cats in this, they need to make it look like it is their idea to give chase. Flirting is the signal that the chase will be welcome.

If you don't know how to flirt, ask your girlfriends, I'm sure they would be happy to help.

Flirting 101: At any sizable gathering, be it party, bar, Ren Faire or gamers convention, catch your prospect's eye across the crowded room. Look away. Several minutes later, catch his eye again, and again, look away. Several minutes after that, catch his eye one more time, hold his gaze, and smile.

Congratulations. You have now said in nearly-universal flirt-speak "I am interested. If you approach me, I will be receptive."

Of course, it helps if you're fairly attractively dressed (see all of Amy's previous stuff, not to mention Stacy and Clinton's stuff, about the need to mark a waist) and wearing a modicum of makeup.

This is basic nonverbal communication. Don't think you should have to do this stuff? Do you think you should have to use words in the local language to communicate?

thanks for this wonderful story about stacy and clintons stuff and the need for a communication should've words for the local language in details on this story must be helpful in general for fairly in minutes