I have to slightly disagree-a breakup right before the holidays is miserable. Any other time of the year, yes, sooner is better. But I don't see ruining Christmas for her as doing her a kindness.

I agree pull the trigger, lying helps no one

I think I agree with momof4, dumping someone and leaving them alone for Christmas seems a bit cruel and uncaring.

Alternatively, tell her you want to break up with her, but offer that she comes with anyway .. and if she does, have lots of post-breakup sex, might as well fit in some good memories? Actually something like that happened to me with my first girlfriend (but with the genders reversed) and I have great memories of that holiday ... though mind you, it's probably different for women.

"Actually something like that happened to me "

(Um, what I mean is, she broke up with me, she invited me to stay at her family's place over Christmas, and she initiated the post-breakup sex too)

Remember that these go to publication 2 or 3 weeks before Amy posts them here, and given how she often corresponds as opposed to reading one off letters, and then spend time compiling the conversation into one coherent letter - I'm betting this guy got the advice around Halloween or shortly thereafter.

But yes it the Holidays, could break up with her on Veterans Day with her brother in Iraq, and then there is Thanksgiving, Christmas(or whatever) then New Years.

And then were right back where we were around Halloween, and were "to close" to Valentine's Day to break up.

And then there's St Patty's Day and her brother was gonna bar b que while on leave, and who is so heartless as to dump a girl before the day celebrating the redemption of all of our Souls by Jebus?

Cant dump her before Mothers Day - ccant have her calling to cry to her mom on her moms special Day, Cant do it before Memeorial Day cause her brothers a vet, and then she has finals can break her concentration

Then there's fathers day, cant do it then as her father abnandoned her(just like every other man in her life) Then there's Independence Day and finally after that I can dumper her, assuming her birthday isnt right in the middle between Independence Day and Halloween(her favorite holiday)

Yeah, better wait til summer of next year, 9 months after she turned down that guy who hit on her at the market when she was in a relationship that you already knew was over.

Casue that be better for her, right?

Bringing your soon-to-be ex to Christmas isn't just unfair to her, it's unfair to your family too. You're asking them to house, feed, and welcome this girl under the pretense that this person might soon become part of the family, when actuality she's about to become a random stranger. If they don't know about the impending breakup, get ready for some awkward conversations and situations ("So, when are you two tying the knot?") OTOH, anyone you brief beforehand is in the awkward position of being involved in your pretense, and you risk the possibility that someone lets the cat out of the bag at the wrong time.

Also, if your GF has a good relationship or hits it off well with your family, they might try to talk you out of it, or your GF may try to recruit them as allies. Again it's just awkward all around. And if things go badly then it's going to be miserable for your ex and taint the holiday for everyone. Keep the breakups private and don't drag your family into your love life.

If it was, maybe within 5 days of the holiday, then maybe wait since it's hard to change plans that late and, hey, it might just be fear that Aunt Edna will make rude (or embarrassing) comments.

If it's a few weeks away, then that's a lot of time for the "what's wrong?" and "I'm feeling something's off" stuff. It will make everyone tense and miserable.

That doesn't mean don't do it gently. "Hey, this really isn't working out for me. I feel bad saying this so close to Christmas/Valentines Day/your birthday/whatever, but it would be cruel and wrong not to tell you so you have time to make other plans and move on." ("and here's a dart board with my picture on it, just to make it easier")

(I'm picturing her home alone, maybe calling her stepbrother she talks to once a year) = (I'm picturing myself maybe having some last-minute Christmas sex if I get horny) + (I'm picturing her having some last-minute Christmas sex that doesn't involve me)

No, no NO to the post break-up sex, odds are she'll think it means you're getting back together.

I would rather have a rough Christmas alone than know I was a charity case.

There's never a good time to break up, and there's nothing worse than getting dumped and finding out your boyfriend had one foot out the door a long time ago. It taints your fond memories of the relationship with humiliation and suspicion.
It makes you feel like a joke. You analyze everything that happened recently. You realize moments that maybe meant a lot to you were actually one-sided. Because he felt SORRY for you.

In this case, he's going to bring this girl closer to his family, misleading her. He's going to buy her a present, which will later be a painful reminder. Dumping her now is the moral thing to do.

(Unless a break-up is mutual, break-up sex means false hope and grief to a girl.)

I would rather have a rough Christmas alone than know I was a charity case.

Amen, IP, and I totally agree with the rest of your post, as well. Been there, done that. Not pretty.

They've been dating for two years? He acts weird coming up to the holidays, which they're spending with his family? If she doesn't figure it out on her own, one of this chick's friends is going to tell her - OMG he's going to propose!

Please, please break up with her before she starts telling her friends.

There is no way to be kind when doing this, but once you know, you know, so let them go.

That is IF you are certain, and I think that may be the issue here. Maybe you can't decide,and you don't know what she'll do Christmas alone, and you already told the folks, and...

IF you are not sure, then maybe you need to give yourself 3 months to figure it out. Set yourself a date in your own mind, but BE FAIR TO HER.

Regardless if you still lover her or once did aren't her feelings important to you?

What kind of man are you?

Taking into account that luj is right and this is long since past...

Breaking-up is painful, but it's so much less hurtful to be honest. If I were strung along for a few months, because the guy wanted to spare me the pain of breaking-up before the holidays, I would be pretty angry.

It would be mortifying that I spent time, money, and thoughtfulness putting together a present or experience he would appreciate. How embarrassing to discover that all that effort was given to a man who didn't even want to be in the same room as you.

Then thinking about dates I could have gone on, and realizing that break-up BF was spending his time creating emotional distance, while I was trying to build the bond. Yeah, there would be a lot of animosity thinking about all of those things.

Also, just because she doesn't have family, doesn't mean she doesn't have friends (she does have friends, right?). Her friends will step-in, there will be a hate-fest in your honor, and she will start her healing process. Are you really the only thing she has in this world (I hope not)?

Plus, there's ALWAYS a holiday or something around the corner. End of year holidays, then Valentine's Day around the corner. And don't forget anniversaries and b-days.

Plus, there's ALWAYS a holiday or something around the corner. End of year holidays, then Valentine's Day around the corner. And don't forget anniversaries and b-days.

Amy; You break up with somebody as soon as you know...

Absolutely. It's not easy* to break someone's heart but it's best to get it over with.

*Not easy, but it's always better to dump (because you're in control) than to be dumped (because you're not.)

LW, does she even like your family? She may think, "It sucks that we broke up, but at least I don't have to make nice or shop for his relatives this year!" In which case, this break-up couldn't be better timed!

Yes, it probably makes sense not to drag this out, but to end it now (Christmas is still just under three weeks away, not two days). Offer to let her spend the holidays with you and your family, if she wishes, but don't push it. If she accepts, give your family a heads-up about the change in relationship status so as to avoid uncomfortable assumptions.

And fer Chrissakes, NO POST-BREAK-UP SEX! At best you'll confuse her by making her think you want to get back together. At worst, you'll look like the world's most heartless cad trying to get your dipstick wet one one last time before you trade her in.

On the other hand, she might want to keep in touch with your family more than with you. I've had one friend who said, "I dumped him, but I kept his parents." Heck, I'm on good terms with my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's family. People sometimes "adopt" families along the way. It's not unusual.

Just think how what you're suggesting could play out. In the weeks before Christmas, she'll likely sense that something's not quite right.

I agree. She absolutely will.

My ex knew he wanted to end things a couple weeks before my birthday, but he didn't want to break up with me too close to my birthday. But I knew something was brewing as he got more moody and emotionally distant. I spent several hellish weeks BEGGING him to let me know what was going on, but he brushed it off. AND he was sullen and distant on my actual birthday, too, making it a really crappy birthday. Before going to bed that night, I cornered him and asked him point-blank if he wanted to break up but didn't want to do it near my birthday. He sighed and admitted that was true.

So...I not only had the pleasure of being so obviously led on for a few weeks, I still got dumped on my birthday anyway.

LW, break up with her now, so she can mope around on Christmas and use New Year's Eve as an excuse for a new beginning!

I asked Amy a while back-- Why did three different women over the years dump me right before Christmas?
I'm still trying to figure this out.

Jefe, if it's been a few years, what makes you think it's relevant now?

Read upthread, they were just letting you go and there was no good time, probably.

There is only one constant in all three events and it is you. Were you doing something you shouldna?

Ultimately, if you live long enough, you break up for various reasons, sometimes near Christmas.

Jefe, I'll take a stab at this. These are just theories. I'm not a relationship expert.

I suspect these girls were ambivalent about the relationship anyway. The timing happened because...

Christmas is a very romantic time of year. If you have a boyfriend, you spend time looking for the perfect gift. You anticipate opening the perfect gift on Christmas morning, in your pajamas by the tree. You go visit family and friends as a couple, and everyone asks when you two are going to tie the knot. We all have high expectations for this season.

The thought of going through these motions with someone you're lukewarm about is unbearable. It makes a nice person feel guilty. In fact, if you are not looking forward to Christmas with your significant other, that's an awakening to the truth that you want out. Maybe this is what made them aware.

Also, there are advantages to breaking up right before the holidays. You are surrounded by distractions and the reassurances of your family. There's usually time off to convalesce. You have Christmas parties to attend where you just might meet someone new. It makes practical sense too.

I think SwissArmyD is right that coincidence played a large role here--i.e., the women were feeling iffy around November. A smart person pulls the trigger before Xmas, as Amy urged the LW to do.

I'm sorry, though. I was once stood up on Xmas by my ex, whom I later found out was cheating, and even though my life is quite charmed these days, I get to remember that horrible day afresh every December. I feel it less each year. Hope you do too.

My daughter's ex delayed breaking up so a long-planned overseas vacation wouldn't get cancelled. He is universally known by all her family and friends now as Dumbass. I don't even remember his given name now.

I read somewhere that often in breakups, the dumper will "break up" with the dumpee in their head well beforehand. Then they have days/weeks/months to wean themselves off the relationship, make plans for their newly single life, and even start meeting new people before they finally pull the plug. Meanwhile the other person is obliviously unaware, maybe even believing that the relationship is improving since their SO seems to be happier (but only because he/she's moving on) nicer (feeling guilty), and more agreeable (no longer emotionally attached). So when the breakup actually happens, one party is completely blindsided while the other is already out the door.

Obviously this is cruel to do to someone you've ever cared about. I did it to my high school boyfriend and still regret it--I essentially used him to wean myself off him, and it was mean. It's better to rip off the bandaid when things are still rough for both you, or at least voice your doubts with the other person so they're on the same page, rather than plan a breakup behind their back.

I heard a horrible Christmas breakup story last night.

GF flew in to see her long-distance boyfriend on Christmas Day. BF met her at the airport and said he wasn't feeling it anymore, that they were done. Then he left her. At the airport. No call for a cab, no ticket, nothing. Just left.