Any man with half a brain and any desire for sex ever again will be up at least 1/2 the time with the baby. Sleep deprivation IS a torture. And dangerous.

And don't be completely uptight about him doing things with baby a certain (your) way. If it's not a true danger, let him find his way.

Date nights. Crucial. Moms night out with girlfriends-crucial also.

Hand jobs

I suspect 'resenting your husband' has become part of our culture.

"Any man with half a brain and any desire for sex ever again will be up at least 1/2 the time with the baby"

Only problem with this is that the man may be working his ass off to pay the bills ... it's not much help to anyone in the household if the home gets foreclosed on because daddy is sleeping at work.

Amy,

I'm (mostly) with you on this. However, pumping milk isn't quite as easy as you make it sound. Having done this twice, and once with a gigantic 10+ pound newborn, there are a few things that you seem to miss.

If the mom is going to nurse the baby, she will have to get up at EVERY feeding - at least for a few weeks (2-8). If she doesn't, she very likely won't produce enough milk. She could pump then, but she still needs to pump every 3-4 hours at first... and the pump is not as good as a baby at getting the milk out. It also needs to be cleaned... which sounds easy, but there are lots of teensy bits and nooks & crannies to deal with. It is actually a LOT faster (at the beginning at least) just to nurse the baby yourself (also, the pump doesn't seem to get the "warm fuzzy nursing hormones" going nearly as well - most moms I've spoken with hate the pump & would rather have a root canal).

On the other hand... "catering" (aka "dad") can change the baby & bring it to mom, so both are only half as disturbed per wake-up.

I actually ended up nursing while sleeping with my son (totally by accident) because I got too tired to stay awake for 20 minutes. He and I both appreciated it in the end it was our preferred method. He'd conk out eating, wake up 3-4 hours later, I'd switch sides, and we'd both pass out. This was a major victory in the sleep wars!

Mind, that's not possible with every mom/baby combo... didn't work at all with my second.

My husband made a major effort to change every poopy diaper he was home to change. That goes a long way toward making mom happy!

Once the baby is a bit older... and going 5-6 hours at night, the suggestions you offer are more plausible. But, that can take time, especially if the child has any medical issues (such as GERD, allergy, etc.).

My own suggestion is that, if dad can get the time off, during the first few weeks, he take care of the "other stuff" for awhile during the day so mom can get a nap (or shower, or meal) in. That's the cleaning pump parts, buying diapers, washing teensy clothes that only stay clean for 5 minutes, and such.

My two cents.

Kudos to Shannon. She knows what she is talking about. My 10 lb son had a reverse swallow and had trouble eating. It took 1 hour every two hours for several months.

Yes, my husband worked his butt off working 90 hours per week.

That said, there is a point where a partner will collapse. I worked full time too.

His paycheck was more important to the family. However, my paycheck was important to the family too. Besides, our insurance was through my job.

I may only make a fraction of what he makes, so I also took sick days to take care of the baby when he was ill.

It hurt my career and it hurt my health. It also hurt my marriage.

Somehow married people have to find balance.

Amy's on the right track, though everyone's situation will be somewhat different. I was mostly pumping, for various reasons, and we tried the whole shared sleeplessness thing...and found out that my husband has to have a block of sleep, of a certain minimum number of hours, in order to function. I don't. (I'm not saying that I need no sleep, or that I'm not affected by sleeplessness, but I'm considerably better at dealing with limited and intermittent sleep.)

Also, I was off on maternity leave for several months, while my husband continued to work in an office. Having done both the stay-at-home thing and the work-outside-the-home thing since becoming a mom, I can testify that, yes, lack of sleep is going to interfere more with professional work than it will with child care. I'm not saying that child care on limited sleep doesn't suck, but it doesn't require one to sound intelligent on a constant basis, or do work requiring fine detail all day long.

That having been said, we knew because we had tried it. And my husband was working plenty hard himself -- he supported us during my maternity leave and he picked up more tasks around the house. And my husband regularly told me -- and everyone around us -- what an awesome mother I am. Which I think is one of the keys to happy parenthood -- verbally and openly appreciating what the other parent is doing, and proving that appreciation by looking for things to do to make life easier for the other person when possible. A little thanks go a long way, and a lot of thanks go even longer. I have never gotten the sense that my husband was looking to put in less than 50% of the effort needed for our total partnership (and I hope he feels the same way about me!). And yes, I regularly tell him -- and anyone else who will listen -- what an awesome husband and father he is.

If you have a normal healthy baby, and need to get some sleep, the key is keeping the baby close to you at night.
Either in a bassinet right next to your side of the bed, or in one of those fold out baby beds, you can keep on the bed itself.
What really makes you wake up with a baby is having to stand up, and walk into another room to feed him.
You can nurse the baby in bed, half asleep and be surprisingly rested.
For the first month, don't try and clean the house, shop or get back to what you would do if you didn't have a new baby. That way lies madness. Those chores are what dad is for. This is also why traditionally new mothers would have their mother or another older woman stay with them for the first few weeks at least.

Mom and dad going it alone, and pretending that taking care of a newborn is a part time job, they can split between them is just nuts.

Another tip. All those unnecessary chores you do to impress your girlfriends with what a good mother you are, and your poor husband with what a hard working martyr you are?
Stop it. A t shirt and a diaper is all the baby needs in our over heated American houses.
If you clean his bottom, and wipe under his chin, a full bath even once a week is almost excessive.
Use disposable diapers. The cloth ones are lots of work, will NOT contain runny baby poop. They cause diaper rash, and create excess laundry.

More and more evidence is piling up, that obsessive parenting And obessive cleanliness, is harmful to children's health. Autoimmune diseases have exploded in the first world.

We kept things going through pumping. I would do at least one or two feeds a night (I'm a night owl anyway). And I got to be quite good at changing diapers. You really don't need to do A LOT to make a new mom's job SO much easier. Just letting her get some unbroken sleep can go a long way toward maintaining her sanity.

@Isab: Right on. Keep it simple. The house does not need cleaned like it's a hospital. Very young babies need to be dressed warmly (their internal thermostats are not very well regulated), but after a couple of months, you're right, clothing is not really an issue. Unless you're going outside in the cold, babies should also be barefoot - shoes make absolutely no sense.

Their clothes get dirty from dribbled milk - so what? Once they are a bit older, they get dirty crawling around on your not-hospital-clean floors - so what? Preserve your sanity, and anyway, there's a lot of evidence that being overly clean leads to allergies later in life.

The first three months are the hardest.

My husband was unwilling to do night watch, as he is the sole breadwinner and needed his sleep. I did not resent this, as I could lounge around with the baby during the day.

We did a sidecar sleeping arrangement with the baby, where I just picked her up, nursed her, put her down without getting out of bed. After the first couple months, due to some latch problems we were unable to resolve (and still haven't... it comes down to I don't have a hungry kid, so she didn't nurse enough then and doesn't eat enough now), I started pumping.

Pumping sucks. I was doing it 6 times a day, around the clock, in the beginning. The best time of day to pump is 2 am. At least I got to watch TV. Also, in the beginning bottles are not recommended as they can cause nipple confusion. If you can avoid it, do.

I didn't find the cloth diapers to be much extra work, but I have a constipated baby who hardly every poops. But other than that, Isabel is right, don't worry too much about the housekeeping. If you can get someone in even every other week or once a month it will help a lot. Get prepackaged food or easy to make stuff like salads or pasta for a few months.

Oh, and get used to talking about poop.

To be honest, I was too exhausted to think about socializing the first few months... playdates came later.

One thing is you need to learn to say no. We had major drama because my parents came a few weeks to help out, so my in-laws said it wasn't fair and they should be able to come a few weeks too. By the time my parents left, I really didn't want visitors, especially of the ilk that "help" by telling me everything I'm doing is wrong, sighing, and re-doing whatever I did to their criteria. It caused a huge fight, they came, it was awful. They insisted my husband take time off to take us all sightseeing. Big mistake. Say no to this sort of thing.

Then we were hospitalized 2 weeks due to feeding problems, then we hosted Christmas.

Don't host Christmas or another big feast right after your kid is born.

For the record, though, while there were a couple quarrels, all in all we didn't hate each other. We had 1 big quarrel the second week I had to go to the hospital because my MIL was calling him and telling him I was a terrible mother and it was all my fault, and he bought it (bear in mind he was super stressed from the hospital and his business travels) and blamed me, but it worked out.

Our stress was mostly in-law based, but I only resented the hell out of him the day we had the fight. All the other days had their ups and down, but all in all they were good.

In fact, the first few weeks were pure bliss, and we were both very delighted with our child. Focus on that. I'm telling you, when your kid smiles (it'll be a few weeks in), it will all be worth it.

If you already have a strong partnership, this stress may cause some miserable moments, but they will be few and far between.

You're going to do a great job, and the fact that you're already thinking about this is a good sign.

... is not only a necessity for tending to one's newborn but a form of torture banned by the Geneva Conventions.

Since I no nothing of breast-feeding I'll comment on this. In Anne Appelbaum's book about the Soviet Gulag, she said that the one torture method that would break anyone was the "conveyer" wherein the guards worked shifts to keep the prisoner from sleeping.

I am generally a cheery person but I do not handle sleep deprivation well and then I tend to get short with people. I think my husband and I would have worked through that if we'd had kids, mainly because he's willing to tell me off if I get snippy and I'm willing to hear that.

Amy, this conversation reminds me a deal I made with my wife, who was not interested in breast-feeding AT ALL. As long as she was breast-feeding, I changed every diaper (as long as I was home). Once the kid switched over to bottle feeding, I shared feeding duties, but diaper duty (doodie?) went to whoever smelled it first . . .

What helped us after our son was born was to keep talking about how we were doing and how our setup was working for us. We kept doing what worked and changed what didn't. My husband participated in the night wakings with changing our son's diaper and bringing our son to me to nurse. As soon as my husband would get home from work, he'd take our son. We'd take turns regularly caring for our son during evenings and weekends and spend lots of time together as a family.

I'm not particularly gregarious and prefer spending as much time as possible with my husband and son, so I haven't feel the need for a mom's night out away from my son. But if a mom did, I would encourage her to arrange that. However, I regularly get together with friends and their kids at library programs, the mall, and Starbucks. It's important to still get out sometimes.

One thing I'd recommend is having at least one other mom friend with whom you can vent/share with about anything, good or bad. I'm fortunate to have two other mom friends with whom I can tell anything to and who share equally with me, and these ladies help a lot. Sometimes just knowing that someone else understands how you feel helps enormously. It can be too easy to feel all alone in motherhood, but I'm not too worried about that with the LW. It sounds like she and her husband want to work hard at maintaining a good relationship.

I have nothing add except that I am very glad I got a vasectomy.

There's also the fact that even if he gets up, that doesn't mean that she is going to get any sleep.

It seems that women are still concerned about every peep that comes out of the baby. And they are also concerned about whether DH is doing things "right".

Astra, you'd be surprised what the hormones will do for you. I also was a person who didn't handle sleep dep well, but my body adjusted.

For nursing mothers it's not just the sleep deprivation, it's the feeling that your body has turned into nothing but a service station for the rest of the family. Some of that resentment men are picking up is, IMO, resentment toward the baby's physical demands that just spills over to the next person in line wanting some body time.

What worked for us was this. I asked my husband to give me 10 minutes to just sit and do nothing and be left entirely alone once the baby had gone to sleep, before he came around looking for his quickie.

Somehow that little break made all the difference.

In the childbirth class I'm taking, the instructor advised us to let friends and family help us. We have plenty of friends who have offered to help, but not necessarily with the baby. One friend said outright that she will be happy to clean my bathroom, but she doesn't want to take care of my newborn. I can respect that, and I will take her up on it.

I will be staying home with the baby for a while and expect to do most of the early child care, but my husband understands that if he expects me to retain any capacity for adult conversation, I'll need some time off. Plus, he knows that bonding with his daughter will mean doing some of the feeding and diaper changes and other things.

I do have to wonder whether part of this resentment stems from the fact that social expectations for mothers are so much more intense than expectations for fathers. Whenever there's a story in the news about some kid who got hurt or killed, the cries are always, "Where was this child's mother?!"

heh, my ex was super uptight the first time around... there were "Rules" and I stepped up to the plate for every one of them, and she still hated me for a while.

For the second kid she was much more blase about "Rules" and oddly enough...

the whole thing was easier.

The most important thing, I think, is to modify your expectations, and this goes with what Isab said.

ESPECIALLY! Don't yell at your partner for not knowing something he would have no way of knowing. Like that you hate how he folds a onesie.

He has never been able to read your mind, and that didn't change when you had a kid.

We are 14 months in on our first child. Its awesome. And hard. And awesome. And did I mention hard?

I think it highly likely that our "first child" will be our "only child." We're 39 years old, don't want to roll the Downs Syndrome Dice again and, quite frankly, are thankful to be done with the first year nastiness.

"Some of that resentment men are picking up is, IMO, resentment toward the baby's physical demands that just spills over to the next person in line wanting some body time."

@BerthaMinerva is so right!! I got used to less sleep. What I hadn't expected was the constant physical demands on my body. When you're caring for a newborn, you're being touched constantly (nursing, cuddling, cleaning, etc.) and my body felt overwhelmed by it all, which put my poor hubby in the position of being one more person with physical demands of me.

I too found that taking a short break really helped since it gave me a chance to be totally alone in my own skin and recover a bit. It allowed me to relax and I so appreciated that my husband had done whatever it took to give me that break, so that was very effective at getting me back in the mood!

That "body time" thing. I call it being "touched out." As in, the next creature who touches me is going to get slugged.

It is very hard to feel at all amorous when skin-to-skin contact makes you feel violent because you're over-stimulated. It's like having too much noise can give you a headache. Once I was able to understand that was what was happening, I was able to say, "Hey, I'm getting touched out." My husband (if he was home) would cover and I'd go sit in a quiet dark room for a few minutes (cheap sensory deprivation). Always helped.

Other comments:

Disposable diapers don't contain the runny poop either. That's where the laundry comes from... not milk dribbles. Well, that and spitup, which can irritate skin (or, if your baby has reflux, actually requires changes in bedding, baby clothes, your clothes, and a bath for both of you... on occasion).

I also had a constipated baby. She's 3. Still constipated. Caused LOTS of reflux and made sleep much worse. So, I agree that a lot of it is situational.

For my first, I hardly knew anyone in the area, so that made it suck much more. I was working though, which helped.

I might live to be 1000 years old.

But I'll never understand why people want kids.

It's far better to let something be done imperfectly (in your eyes) if it will not kill or maim your child than to kill or maim your relationship. Treating your partner like they're an idiot is never a behavior that provokes warm feelings.

Dunno if its hormones, lack of sleep, brain-wiring or something else .... but it often seems though that women cannot control themselves in this regard.

But I'll never understand why people want kids.

My neuroses are special, dammit, and if I don't pay it forward, who will?

Shannon, the cheap disposable diapers work about as well as a cheap razor. Buy the good ones, with elastic around the legs. Don't know which brand that is. I stopped buying diapers about 24 years ago... Huggies were the only good ones then.

"The controlling thing is a really bad thing. With the RULES. I'd like to answer a question on this if somebody would email me one. I have yet to get one." Amy...

weeeeell... controlling people don't ask for advice much, I'm thinkin'. And if they do, It's likely to wonder WHY CAN'T MY HUSBAND DO SOMETHING SIMPLE LIKE FOLD THE TOWELS RIGHT?!?

Seems like you've covered things like that in columns, but it doesn't occur to the person asking the question, that THEY might be in the wrong... that's not a gender thing, cut's both ways.

anywho, what irked my ex most, was that I had kid sisters [twins] that I took care of from the time they were quite little... so I had ways of doing things, already... her mom admonishing her that the way I was doing it was fine, didn't help much.

Sucks when your mother in law likes you better than your wife...

Amy, this is going off the thread, but... My first wife had RULES for a lot of stuff. The incident that started the ball rolling on our divorce was the day that I volunteered to clean up the kitchen after we had made a couple of dishes to take to a party, despite the fact that I had worked a lot of OT that week and I was exhausted. (And she was unemployed -- her usual state.) When I was finished, she marched in to inspect, looked over everything that I did, and... she chewed me out for not loading the dishwasher the way she liked it.

Amy - Your comment about making a mess had me in hysterics. I'm often wondering how my husband managed to do something strange like put a bowl in the dishwasher in such a way right in the middle that one bowl means there isn't room to put in dinner plates in half dishwasher or that he throws his shoes towards the wall behind the front door when it's really easy just to put them neatly next to mine.

It's not worth getting my nickers in a twist about that so I just laugh and shake my head when I open the dishwasher. Most stuff I leave, the bowl I have to move because we need the room ... .

I am all about this question! Here's what helped us in 12 years of marriage (which has include 4 years of nursing babies!)

- Mom handles the food going in; Dad handles it coming out. We did cloth diapers, and my DH was the primary changer/washer/folder. It worked beautifully as they were little. Is was never a hard and fast rule (i.e. when we were out, I usually did the bathroom changes due to changing tables, etc).

- When I took a break from baby, I had to really just leave it up to Daddy. No rescuing the baby when she cried, no helpful tips, no feeling guilty. This was super hard at first. Now I can sleep through a freight train if I know my husband has it.

- Agree wholeheartedly with Amy on sharing the sleeplessness. We took turns, kept track, and constantly revisited the issue until we both felt it was fair.

- When it was time to get amorous, I really had to take time to get in a lover mentality and not a mom mentality. Even then, milk was spraying in lovemaking!

Two things:

1.) We've used just about every brand of diaper known to mankind. There are some messes that none of them will contain if your child is active (GI issues here, so maybe that's our problem.

2.) I half laughed at Minneapolis Mom's comment about milk. That was an issue for me - and I'd bet it would be for a lot of women. Amorous hormones are similar to nursing hormones. So, there are two issues. First, not being embarrassed (or grossed out). Second, the (potential) mess (MORE LAUNDRY!).

This was a really hard one for me. I was so paranoid about unintended milk everywhere that I didn't take pictures of my baby to work until my milk situation was under control.

"reminds me a deal I made with my wife"

This is a big one. Nothing causes resentment faster than someone saying "Honey, when the baby comes I will do all the diaper changing when I am home" and then either not doing it or spending a lot of time not home to get out of out (and both halves know when this is happening).

Breaking a promise to help causes massive resentment with or without a baby. And it's amazing how many, well, people really don't realize they are doing it or if they do, think it's not a big enough issue to get worked up about. Newsflash, it's not the diapers - it's the lack of respect.

Ah, how to quell the seething resentment...

...practice gratitude. I hate how I've had to give up having adult conversations and enjoying cultural stimuli at my leisure in order to raise a couple of babies. Sure, my hubby has annoying bosses and co-workers, but are they really as annoying as a 2 year old? Debatable. And yes, he gets to have a paycheck, while I have to feel a strange inferiority because for the first time I'm not financially independent.

BUT. We have a home and a family, and these are things we always wanted. And 2 healthy beautiful kids. And we communicate well enough to enjoy each other, and work it out when things get tough. And although I've sacrificed & put my career aspirations on hold for now, and although some days I think I might eat a bullet if I have to pick up one more lego or get down on all fours to wipe up today's lunch, I still feel lucky to be able to be home with my kids...

...because motherhood is a double edged sword in today's times. Moms who work full time feel guilty to leave their kids in daycare. Moms who stay home feel lousy because they aren't 'productive' financially or professionally. And then there's the national Stinkeye we get, courtesy of the bullshit 'mommy wars,' where we gotta feel bad if the blueberries aren't organic or if we let our kid eat a handful of dirt at the park.

There are days where I wonder why anybody decides to have kids. And then I remember to feel grateful of the life my husband and I are building, and how ironically, these are times to cherish...even when I am getting up every two hours to nurse the baby, and then staying up, listening to my beloved husband snoring.

And then there's the national Stinkeye we get, courtesy of the bullshit 'mommy wars,' where we gotta feel bad if the blueberries aren't organic or if we let our kid eat a handful of dirt at the park.

One of my friends, who is an epidemiologist, says that she figures if her kids eat some horseshit at the horse barn, it's good practice for their immune systems.

"I might live to be 1000 years old.

But I'll never understand why people want kids."

I think for the most part we're genetically programmed to have the desire. I know several people who have gone from having 'no' desire to have kids up to about their late 20's, and then described at around age 30 suddenly starting to feel a really strong desire to have kids. Same happened to me, no desire until early 30's, then suddenly an increasingly burning desire to impregnate someone.

Still, some people never seem to get any such desire, so it's obviously not universal.

@Crid -

After 3 I wonder the same thing...on a daily basis...especially about the third one ;) It osculates from "wth was I thinking?" to "that can't possibly be my offspring". Little boys truly are made of snips, snails and puppy dog tails (or poo) and you find the overflow in his pockets when you do the laundry.

There is this BS that people of multiple children shovel - that after 2 it doesn't matter - you could have ten and there not be a great difference. That is a rotten bald-faced LIE! Once you are outnumbered it is all downhill - it is absolutely impossible to have them all content at once.

After you have them you love them dearly, would lay down your life for them...but I believe if people could be exposed to the immense and overwhelming stress, worry, fatigue, etc. prior to having children, that there would be no need for birth control.

I have nothing add except that I am very glad I got a vasectomy.

I call your vasectomy and raise you an Essure procedure. I'm with Crid.

Lobster: "I think for the most part we're genetically programmed to have the desire. I know several people who have gone from having 'no' desire to have kids up to about their late 20's, and then described at around age 30 suddenly starting to feel a really strong desire to have kids. Same happened to me, no desire until early 30's, then suddenly an increasingly burning desire to impregnate someone."

I get that feeling sometimes, where every baby I encounter is just so freaking cute and I want to cuddle everything weaker than me--babies, puppies, etc. I just recognize that it's my hormones, not my rational mind. Easy solution is to take an aspirin, put it between your knees, and wait for the feeling to pass. Oh wait, I don't have to do that anymore. Thank you modern medicine.