Excellent advice, Amy. BF and I were texting and emailing all the damn time in the beginning of our relationship, and I almost got too needy with that, but when I lost my job, and couldn't email him, like, 5 times a day, we both got over it. Now that I'm working again, we'll dash off an email or two every couple of days, and reconnect once we get home. Much easier on both of us!

I love this advice. I get so worked up when reading these letters from people with needy significant others that I forget how terrifying it must feel to constantly worry about the whereabouts of one's boyfriend. I've experienced that level of anxiety with other aspects of my life, and it's somewhat less than fun, so I can't imagine feeling it about a relationship. It's kind to her, LW, to talk this out and try Amy's experiment. It might not work out, but it has to be better than her worrying and your resenting her for worrying.*

*That is, of course, assuming that she's not playing at being needy while trying to make you into her personal marionette. I mean, neediness and clinging are definitely about control, but intentions can make all the difference to whether you can salvage your relationship (and if you'd want to).

Girlfriend of two years? She's insecure because she is still is girlfriend and not his fiancée. Shit or get off the pot, man. If she's not the one, dump her.

Really? If she has a reason to text him (can you pick up some milk on the way home sweetie?) or if there's an emergency, then fine. If it's just "love you babe" and they're living together, well she has no reason to expect a reply. I rarely have slow times at work and I don't like to break focus.

I have a good friend who does this (no, not a partner, but I've known him for 30 years, and we're fairly close). He's not working, so he'll call and text during the day. Worse than that, he'll call at 10am on Saturday. He knows damn well that Friday night is my designated bender night and that I won't be up. Then because I don't answer, he calls again at 11. Then 12. When I finally ring back in the afternoon, he says "you didn't answer, I was worried about you". A few times I've told him to fuck off at that point. I've also told him every extra call adds two hours to when I'll ring back. Ring once, leave a fucking message, I'll get back to you next day at latest.

Maybe the LW could be more demonstrative, but he'd still be accommodating her problem. At the very least, unless he's in the habit of rolling home at 3am after hanging with the boys, with leaves clinging to his clothes, she could let him have a night out without having to phone home to mommy.

My ex was always reticent to call me at work, and apologised profusely when she did. Which I always told her not to worry about, because I knew if she called me it was important (it was also rare). And I always answered, even if it meant interrupting something. LW's gf might want to reflect on "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" here.

There's a more general point here that's been creeping into the workplace and life in general for a while. By, say, 7 or 8 years ago I was getting email notifications for meetings an hour or two before they happened. The nature of my job means I'm often away from my desk (I might be on site, I might have gone to sort out something with a colleague, I might be sorting out a dispute with a subcontractor over coffee). I carry my mobile everywhere, so I made it absolutely fucking clear to everyone - you want me for something on short notice, ring and let me know. I *will* not guarantee to respond to email requests same day. You schedule something that way and I'm not there, don't blame me when I don't show up.

They got the idea.

People still use the term "the bomb"?

She could always mix-it-up, and send occasional messages like "wanna get laid tonight"? Always seems to be a hit with the guys.

Amy, I love your advice here. It's spot on. I think I can sometimes be a bit like the LW's girlfriend (except that I don't tend to overreact or get morose and sulky when my bf doesn't respond to something -- I might feel bummed but I try not to pressure or guilt him about it). The point is, I understand that itchy feeling you get when your man doesn't reply to something -- yet, when he does, I feel soothed and don't need much more reassurance than that. For example, once when my bf was out of town for a family event for a week, I went a couple days without word from him, but when I got one text from him that was warm and upbeat and affectionate, all my anxiety melted away and I didn't need a constant stream of conversation. This is on a par with giving flowers, I think. Some men might not understand why it makes a girl's day so much, but they should just do it every once in a while.

Great Answer! Hannah - I'm just like you, My ex would say that I didn't need a lot of attention, just a pat or a tweak of the ear as he went by. I'm like this with friends and family and like you I don't let it ruin my day or make a fuss if it doesn't happen.

The point is that people are different - someone isn't necessarily 'cold' if they don't want to talk to you or necessarily 'needy' if they like a pat as you go by. Other things tease this out - which is why Amy's answer is great!

I think Amy's advice here is pretty good & there have been some really good comments.

Just one thought - she may have a greater need for conversation than he does and want to spend more time feeling connected (as opposed to cared about) and these texts are attempts to engage him. A couple quiet dinners (at home or out) might help.

I wonder if the texting thing involves brain reward in some way. People seem so chuffed when they receive a text,almost as if they received a compliment. And I've observed people go into physical withdrawal symptoms (anxiety, sweating, nausea etc) when a text is not answered in what they consider a timely fashion. And more than a few that exhibit anger, when not immediately gratified.
Amy, is there some addictive brain chemistry factor at work here? The rush, the withdrawal, the constant fiddling with the phone...

LW, this is a yellow-alert situation. Not red yet, but yellow. The behavior you describe is what narcissists and borderlines do. My BPD ex used to call me at work. At first, she was sweet about it, but as time went on her calls got less sweet and more demanding. There's nothing like getting called out of an important meeting because your SO called your department secretary saying it's an emergency, and then you pick up the phone and have to listen to her bitch about how you never pay any attention to her.

Now, this could just be a socialization error on your GF's part; perhaps she does that because she thinks that that's what people in love are supposed to do, or because not doing it might be taken as a sign of uncaring. But, it's potentially also a sign or her wanting to control and manipulate your life. It bothers me that she gets upset about time that you spend with your friends. Does she like any of your friends, or does she think they are all cads that you shouldn't be allowed to associate with? The latter is a red alert.

Now, before we start diagnosing LW's girlfriend, let's all calm down a little. I'm not convinced that there's a terribly serious problem going on here. LW says that he's cool not talking to his girlfriend during the work day. But she's not okay with that. She wants a little attention. It's not that hard; just give her a little. As Miss Alkon suggests, there's a middle ground here, and a little trial and error may help the couple find it. Establishing a routine, a text or two, or a phone call at lunchtime might be all it takes.

This is a two-year-old relationship. The infatuation phase is over; she shouldn't need constant contact and reassurance.

Every message, every email has to be looked at and possibly dealt with. Having a bunch of private messages mixed in may seriously interfere with his work. Actually, it probably does, or he wouldn't have written to Amy.

I think he ought to be more direct: "I already get way too many messages. Unless it's really important, don't send me any messages at work." Same for the night out: If he's just out for a few hours, it's ridiculous to expect him to interrupt whatever he's doing to call. She's his girlfriend, not his mommy.

Amen, sister. Adults don't need constant reassuring that they're loved. Emotional independence is a wonderful, freeing thing.

She's bored at work.

She needs to address that issue.

"Girlfriend of two years? She's insecure because she is still is girlfriend and not his fiancée. Shit or get off the pot, man. If she's not the one, dump her."

I think you may be projecting or over-analyzing here. I had a girlfriend of five years and from start to end she never wanted to get married (in the end it was I who wanted to get married), but she still had a need to feel loved.

In any case, I think he's not in a position to propose given he's irritated with her for being "needy", they probably need to sort that out first.

"Adults don't need constant reassuring that they're loved"

Wanting a little reassurance now and then that the person in a relationship with you still loves you, is just normal, it's hardly a sign of not being an 'adult'. I think this modern sociopathic cultural trend of quickly attacking any signs of just being human has gone a bit too far .. your own partner misses you and wants some occasional signal that you feel the same? OMG, quick, single them out and label them a needy child! Please, everyone wants to be loved, the only exception is perhaps sociopaths.

I suspect the main reason she feels 'needy' in the first place is that she rightfully senses he's pulling away and irritated with her about something. And she's right, because he's writing to advice columns instead of just telling her he loves her once in a while. I think it's actually a bit selfish and self-indulgent .. I know, I've been there, treated people like that, taken them for granted.

Look at the keywords here: "My girlfriend of two years is the bomb but is becoming a little needy" - BECOMING. She wasn't always like this. Her anxiety is increasing because she senses his irritation.

Also, "I'm cool not talking to her until I get home" ... yes, you're 'cool' with it because her dedication to you is not in any doubt. (Yet.) This sentence reveals a self-centric attitude - it's all about how YOU are feeling. YOU are 'cool with it'. You're not thinking about how she might be feeling.

your own partner misses you and wants some occasional signal that you feel the same? OMG, quick, single them out and label them a needy child!

How the fuck is several* times a day "occasional"?

*
One ====== 1
A couple == 2-3
A few ==== 3-5
Many ===== 5-7
Several === 7-9

Seven to nine cries for attention EVERY SINGLE WORKDAY, roughly one per work hour, is fucking needy Lobster

"How the fuck is several* times a day "occasional"?"

You seem to have missed the point of Amy's response entirely (and ignored most of mine). Here:

"Consider "the dependency paradox," researcher Dr. Brooke C. Feeney's finding that, in a committed relationship, the more a person felt they could count on their partner to be responsive to their calls for comforting and support, the more autonomous and self-sufficient the person would be."

It's not really such a difficult concept.

And also, I quote myself since you didn't read it:

"I suspect the main reason she feels 'needy' in the first place is that she rightfully senses he's pulling away and irritated with her about something"

She feels this increasing need for reassurance because, neither paradoxically nor ironically, her relationship really is slipping away, as a matter of fact (I mean, read the original letter).

"In certain jobs, it is just not helpful to have constant interruptions. Mine, for example. Can utterly kill my work flow, especially on my deadline days."

Mine too, though what I try do is just tell people close to me (e.g. my wife) something like 'sorry, I need to shut out interruptions and focus on X today', she understands.

@Hannah "I think I can sometimes be a bit like the LW's girlfriend"

I think it's just human, we shouldn't be ashamed of being human. What I do think is that different people have different levels of needs in this respect, and that couples should be reasonably well matched with one another in this regard. So the sociopaths can marry other sociopaths or whatever, and that's fine - but I think they shouldn't browbeat others to their level of 'coldness'.

And apparently you didnt read my response.

How is running for attention on an average of ONCE EVERY HOUR "OCCASIONAL"?

Hmm, maybe it's because I'm an old gal who reached adulthood long before cell phones were invented. Or maybe it's because my mom worked outside the home when it wasn't common for moms to do so, and we were not allowed to call her at work except for emergencies. Or maybe it's because I've had too many bad experiences with needy people, but I have to sympathize with the LW and agree with lujlp. Sure, we all want or need SOME attention from our s.o.'s, but there's a HUGE difference between 1 or 2 calls/texts during the workday and several. I'm especially troubled by how she reacts when he doesn't respond right away. She texts him a sad face? Really? He's at WORK. His employer is paying him to work, not to play snoogie-uggams on the phone with his gf.

My ex BF was very romantic and called me usually once a day at work. I loved him but I HATED that! For starters, I didn't need the reassurance. Secondly, my job involved deep concentration and phone calls resulted in at least 20 minutes to get back to the place where I was interrupted. Finally, I AM AT WORK!!! Why did it become ok for people to make personal calls and texts while on the clock?

I'm now a manager and I tell my staff there is no reason for them to have their cell phones on their desks. Their family has their work number. If there is an emergency, they can call them on the work line. If it's not an emergency, their friends and family should not be contacting them during work hours.

Funeralface. LMAO!

"Texting your girlfriend a few extra "luv u babe"s or "thinkn of u"s during the workweek isn't the first step to carrying her everywhere with you in a giant BabyBjorn." -Hilarious Amy!!

I think people are just...different sometimes on how they want and expect communication. Sure there are definitely some needy a$$ people who try to smother the heck out of you but sometimes one person expects more communication then the other.
I am definitely like this with my husband. I will typically IM him at work throughout the day. I do it because I AM BORED at work. I'm not always really busy and that makes the day go slowly. Also, I do expect him to let me know (a text is fine) if he is delayed somewhere or coming home later than expected because I actually do worry. He is a good, reliable husband 99% of the time and if he is not coming home til 3am and I don't know that I WILL WORRY. He is also bad at calling sometimes. I usually text him with "are you going to be out later then expected?" or something simple like that so he can say "Yeah, get night with the boys. probably won't be home til bar close or whatever". I would absolutely call him to let him know that if I was going to be home late.

"How is running for attention on an average of ONCE EVERY HOUR "OCCASIONAL"?"

I didn't bother responding to that bit of unsubstantiated drivel because it's so obvious you pulled that figure completely out your ass, I didn't want to touch it for fear of getting my fingers smelling of poo. Where did you get that number? You personally decided that "several" exactly means "seven or more" - it's completely utterly absurd, you might as well just make up your own facts here as you go along. If we're allowed to just make up facts, then I submit that "several" in this context means "once, maybe twice, and the LW likes to exaggerate a bit".