Ex-Rated Movie
I've been with my boyfriend for a year. We were best friends and talked about everything -- what our kids would be like, projects we'd do together, magical worlds, and even other people we found attractive. Then, on his computer, I accidentally clicked on what I thought was just some porn video, but I recognized his blanket and realized it was he and his ex-girlfriend having sex (when they were dating). I had a very hard time seeing him with someone else and have become very sensitive and jealous, and this has set our relationship on edge. We don't talk as we used to. So many areas have become off-limits (even just whom he had lunch with) because he's so afraid that anything he says will upset or hurt me. I want to communicate as we used to when I was his "cool girlfriend."
--Shut Out
Katharine Hepburn could have made a sex tape without anyone ever knowing, because after the 8 mm film got transferred to video, her image would have been hard to discern from that of Ernest Borgnine, Sasquatch, or Yogi Bear.
Thanks to technological advances, whenever some dermatologist in Idaho clicks up Kim Kardashian's sex tape, her agent probably gets a call telling him she's got some 2 mm birthmark that needs looking at. As distressing as it is that you could probably pick your boyfriend's ex out of a lineup -- one from the waist down -- it's not like you found footage of him clubbing squirrels. You just got unfortunate visual confirmation of what you already knew: He had a girlfriend before you. They did more than spoon.
Jealousy is a good thing when it rears its little green head to warn of an actual threat to the relationship: "Eeek! He's having sex with another woman..." But jealousy needs a slap in the mouth from reason when there is no real threat: "...and it happened a year before we'd even met." To help yourself think rationally, don't be nebulously hysterical ("I'm afraaaaid!"). Verbalize exactly what you're actually afraid of -- probably that he'd leave you, maybe for his ex. Next, consider what would happen if he actually did. The world would not end. Your head would not fall off, roll under the bed, and become a cat toy. You'd probably sob into your pillow for a few months, but you'd eventually get over him and get on with your life.
To get back the relationship you had, start acting as if you'd never lost it -- meaning, when your boyfriend asks you the time, you just tell him; you don't shriek that all you can see is that clock on the nightstand in his sex video. There's a good deal of research, laid out by psychologist Dr. Richard Wiseman in "The As If Principle," that suggests that changing how you behave is actually the fastest, most effective way to change how you feel. Let your boyfriend know that you know your fears aren't rational, that you're going to stop acting like they are, and that he, in turn, needs to stop treating you like a bomb that could be triggered by "pass the salt." Before long, you should be his cool girlfriend again -- faster, probably, if that blanket from the video finds its way to some homeless man. Ideally, he should be one who isn't in your neighborhood, lest your response to "Spare change?" be "You whore!"
Jealousy has green eyes, not a green head. Portia in Merchant of Venice described it as such, as did Iago in Othello.
That trivial detail aside, this was excellent advice. The only problem I have is the same problem I have when anyone asks you, "How do I get him/her to..." Like the woman who gained a lot of weight after giving birth and asked you how she could get her husband to accept that this is the way it is now.
The answer, of course, is that you don't. Because you can't get anyone to do anything.
She can act like the relationship is the way it was all she wants. But ultimately, it will come when both halves of the relationship cooperate. And if he doesn't? If he has a hard time (or doesn't see the need) to act like the relationship is the way it was.
But again, the advice, as always, was spot-on. It's just a shame that they didn't write you for advice. You advised her to do exactly what they should both be doing. Hopefully, he plays along.
Patrick at April 9, 2013 8:23 PM
I doubt she is upset about the fact that the boyfriend had sex with his ex (duh), so much as about the fact he feels the need to keep the sex tape around and, apparently, within easy reach.
She "accidentally" clicked on it, thinking it was a porn video. So was the film in his "favorites" folder or something?
That would disturb me as well.
Ellen at April 10, 2013 1:16 AM
Amy spot on!
You know how a lot of girls keep mementos of their exes?
Guys keep naked pictures or sex videos of their exes, and yes they love showing those naked pictures to others.
I remember I told my male friend to show me a pic of his ex but not a naked one as I'm not a guy. I specifically said this because we are like buddies. He showed me the one he was the proudest of, his ex naked fingering herself. She was as hot as he said she was but I have zero interest in seeing her that way. Young Guys do this all the time with each other.
At least he keeps his stuff in a secret file on his computer...
Ppen at April 10, 2013 5:23 AM
She "accidentally" clicked on it, thinking it was a porn video.
Yeah, "accidentally". It's not like she was doing a forensic exam of his computer.
'Cause she'd totally admit it if she had.
dee nile at April 10, 2013 7:01 AM
@Ellen: "I doubt she is upset about the fact that the boyfriend had sex with his ex (duh), so much as about the fact he feels the need to keep the sex tape around and, apparently, within easy reach."
Good call. While we can't know exactly how the LW happened upon this video, lots of possibilities suggest themselves, and have bearing on the situation the LW finds herself in. For example:
A. Boyfriend has no problem with LW using his computer, but is careless about where he puts his (I should hope) private videos. In other words, he's a little dumb.
B. Boyfriend has no problem with LW using his computer, but doesn't care whether she finds the video or not. That's creepy, and it's enough to make one wonder what he's trying not to say.
C. Boyfriend didn't expect LW to be using his computer. What he considered private, isn't. Jealousy might not be this couple's only problem.
Or none of the above are true. Again, none of this is revealed in the letter, so there's no way for us to know at this end. So, yeah -- I can't argue with Miss Alkon's advice, but the bit about accidentally seeing something she shouldn't left me scratching my head.
Old RPM Daddy (OldRPMDaddy at GMail dot com) at April 10, 2013 7:11 AM
She could do things with him that would make him forget he had an ex-girlfriend. Or a computer.
MarkD at April 10, 2013 7:37 AM
You know what they say about people who snoop around other people's conversations; they often hear things that are unpleasant. Well LW, congrats! You snooped and you found something unpleasant. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. I stay home and have all day to search his computer. Do you know how many times I have done that? Zero! Everyone needs their private space. If there were no problems in the relationship why did she go poking around his computer? She didn't just accidentally find this video. She went looking for dirt and found it. Now she gets to live with the consequences.
I would think the larger issue for this couple, at least from his perspective, is the lack of trust. I would never want to leave her alone with my stuff ever again. She says she wants to be the "cool girlfriend" again, but was she ever really? The snooping seems to sugest that the "cool" thing was just an act on her part. If she really was cool, she would realize that this was his past and let it go. I always say that if wait long enough people will tell you who they really are. Now that he knows who she is, he should consider ending the relationship. Sounds like he might be doing that now.
It always amazes me the lengths people will go to screw up their own lives.
sheepmommy at April 10, 2013 7:44 AM
"Guys keep naked pictures or sex videos of their exes, and yes they love showing those naked pictures to others."
No I don't.
I'd suggest that anyone suffering this humiliation step up to a better class of man for their next relationship.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 10, 2013 10:00 AM
I wonder how 'accidental' that click really was. I had a girlfriend of 5 years who was frequently paranoid about me cheating on her, in spite of no evidence for it (I've never cheated on anyone) ... one day I caught her going through the messages on my phone. (At the time I felt sorry for her because, she claimed, an ex-boyfriend had cheated on her and so she said she had difficulty trusting.) In hindsight, it's just no fun living under constant suspicion and having to defend yourself against false accusations the whole time, you almost end up feeling guilty somehow even when you've done nothing wrong.
@PPen, I'd say that's an overly broad generalization, most guys keep such photos secret, I have a few on an encrypted password-protected drive, even if I die those photos will go to the grave with me (it's mathematically impossible to decrypt them without the password), and I would never show them to anyone. I'm with Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers on that one, you're evidently keeping company with low quality men.
Lobster at April 10, 2013 10:30 AM
Well I know most mature guys keep them secret in super encrypted type of ways. What I was trying to say is that most guys have those things so the LW should not be shocked.
( And young guys are generally not mature enough to not show nekkid pics of their ex gf's to each other. )
That particular friend and I have known each other since we were 5...so we pretty much know what the other has done and I'm like one of the guys to him.
Ppen at April 10, 2013 7:13 PM
And one more thing its not a low quality trait but just what I'd expect from a friend who is a 20 something year old guy college guy (at the time). I also wouldn't call it a low quality trait on a woman to send naked pictures, just a bit dumb if you have certain expectations (like they'll be deleted after the breakup).
On the flip side I have a female friend that loves doing self pleasure sex videos and showing them to old White guys on the Internet. She doesn't do it for money, or fame. She just does it cuz it thrills her and its always random guys. I've never seen them but she has shown me:
Dick pics of guys she's dating. She has tons and tons of dick pics & naked guys.....
Ppen at April 10, 2013 7:29 PM
"I have a female friend that loves doing self pleasure sex videos and showing them to old White guys on the Internet."
URL, please? I'm kinda old, and white, and a guy...
bkmale at April 11, 2013 7:40 AM
So many mistakes:
1. She snooped. I don't buy the 'accidentally'?
2. She looked through his porn and found something disturbing? Shocking.
3. Actually no, it is the opposite of shocking: that he had sex before they met.
4. He kept it? So? Does she burn everything she and an ex ever touched or did when they broke up? No noone does.
5. He's bad at hiding things? Would think that was a good trait.
6. She didn't ignore what is normal, something most guy have.
7. She talked to him about it. Silly concept: thinking that talking about stuff always makes it better. Well this one made it worse, because now he feels/acts like he is in a minefield.
Joe J at April 11, 2013 11:31 AM
Ehh, it may have very well been accidental. Borrowing someone's computer isn't exactly like reading their private diary, and if you're unfamiliar with that type of computer or computer illiterate in general then it's easy to make a mistake. Only LW knows if her intentions were "pure" or not, but we might as well take her word (esp keeping in mind that it's Amy's word choice). The bigger issue is her irrational reaction, and I think Amy's advice is spot on.
Shannon at April 11, 2013 12:08 PM
It's easy to accidentally stumble across things you shouldn't when you are borrowing someone's computer. I borrowed my husband's tablet a few months ago and saw a porn site he had minimized on his screen. It was minimized along with a few other non-porn sites. I didn't open it, so I didn't see much. I was 9 months pregnant at the time, so I figured the dude had to be doing something with his time.
MonicaP at April 12, 2013 9:38 AM
"( And young guys are generally not mature enough to not show nekkid pics of their ex gf's to each other. )"
Again, bullshit. Never had a friend show me nudes of his girl, at any age. I never did it at any age. I've never lacked girlfriends, and never lacked having fun in the sack - and sometimes the girls brought a camera.
As far as I'm concerned, when it's over, it's over, and so is any potentially embarrassing evidence. If I cared enough to share my bed why the hell would I want to humiliate them afterwards?
One more time for the hard of reading - if your ex (or current) is doing this, you're having relationships with fucked up jerks.
Up your game a bit and try to date men instead.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at April 20, 2013 6:29 PM
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