Overthinking Of You
My fiance and I split up three months ago. Our relationship was serious and lovely, but we just weren't feeling it anymore. We are friendly and communicate frequently but avoid awkward topics -- like dating other people. We're in the same industry, and I would hate for someone to snap a picture of me and a date and put it on Facebook for him to stumble on. Wouldn't it be better if he learned I'm seeing somebody else from me, and vice versa?
--Tiptoeing Forward
Can't you just let him get his information about you the old-fashioned way, by sneaking over with a tall ladder and peering through your blinds? Dating other people after ending an engagement is an awkward topic -- which seems the perfect reason to continue to avoid discussing it with your now ex-fiance. But say somebody does snap a picture of you and a date and toss it up on Facebook. Unless your ex has only 12 Facebook friends or he's monitoring Facebook like a bald eagle hovering over a prairie rat, he might miss the photo. And even if he does see it, assuming it doesn't involve tongue, who's to say whether it's you and your next candidate for fiance or you and some guy who dropped by your office? Although you two "weren't feeling it anymore" and it's natural that you'd both be looking to feel it with other people, once you've loved somebody, you probably can't help but feel a little pang at the thought of them blithely falling into the arms of somebody else. So, maybe consider ambiguity a gift -- one that lets you believe the deadening silence between you is the sound of him in his garage building a drone camera to spy on your every move.
Wouldn't it be better if he learned I'm seeing somebody else from me, and vice versa?
Wouldn't it be better if you both just moved on with your lives, instead of making up excuses just to talk to him?
Listen to this, please: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lDIJjnCHco
Open up your eyes...
Don't let your mind tell the story here
Open up your eyes...
Just let me go, let me go, let me go
Open up your eyes...
Just let me go...
Flynne at April 16, 2013 5:34 PM
"Wouldn't it be better if you both just moved on with your lives, instead of making up excuses just to talk to him?"
Well, you see, there's no angst in that attitude. No opportunity for it to be 'all about me.'
I think it probably has more to do with her being afraid he'll find someone else first (and it'll be on Facebook for all to see).
See it quite a bit, with both men and women, even when there's no actual interest in getting back together, there's still some underlying jockeying for position, to be the one who 'moves on' first (bragging rights, ya know, like it defines ones self worth).
It's natural to be kind of itchy after a break up, but obsessing about what the other half is doing (or how they might react to what you're doing) strikes me as a low calorie affair.
Simply put LW, get on with your life.
there are some who call me 'Tim?' at April 16, 2013 9:10 PM
The LW should realize that, three months after a breakup, dating other people is what you do. It's not strange or awkward, and there's no need to hide it.
The previous commenter (I'll call him "Tim") has hit the nail on the head: she's probably afraid he's going to start dating again. Even if she's not, he probably has. (He's a guy.) His reaction will doubtless be a little bit privately jealous - there's a bit of dog in the manger in all of us - but he'll probably be happy for her and more than a bit relieved, that she's not still crazy-stalker pining.
Grey Ghost at April 17, 2013 7:56 AM
She's not over him yet, and I suspect she wants to get back together with him. I think she wants him to know she's dating other guys so he'll come back to her.
DrMaturin at April 17, 2013 8:24 AM
Finding out on Facebook is perhaps kinder than telling him in person. He can respond however he sees fit without having to respond directly to the LW. And he knows you're going to start sating soon anyway.
MonicaP at April 17, 2013 4:07 PM
I have pics of lots of old flames on my Facebook... if any of them see themselves, it's because I think they're special-- just like all the others...
jefe at April 17, 2013 8:22 PM
It will be awkward no matter what. But I'd say don't tell him. I don't expect any womaan to be in a convent before or after she met me.
With any of my exes the only part thay I would want to know about was did you start dating new guy before or after we broke up.
Joe J at April 18, 2013 8:37 AM
Wouldn't it be better if he learned I'm seeing somebody else from me, and vice versa?
Hang on, let me fix that for you:
"Wouldn't it be better if I could stage-direct my life and exert total control over the flow of information so my ex finds out I'm dating when it's the most convenient time for me (say, when we run into each other while I'm with my new guy and he's weeping into his Labatt Blue)?"
You might think you're being kind, LW, but no. Just no.
NumberSix at April 18, 2013 10:16 PM
LW, move on already. I promise you that he isn't worrying about you seeing pictures of him and his new girlfriend. So stop obsessing and instead concentrate on your new guy, or he will pick up on your distraction and go looking for someone who cares more about his feelings than her Ex's.
Kat at April 22, 2013 11:09 AM
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