What Amy said.
Also? Get over yourself.

This man has issues. She should get out now. Quickly. Perhaps with the help of a shelter specializing in helping women get out and leave no trace.

There could simply be NO 2 things further apart in this world than gynecological exams and sexual pleasure. For the patient OR the medical personnel. I've seen a cervix. It's not Playboy and it ain't pretty. I've also been splayed completely naked and semiconcious across a gurney while getting a pap in an ER while in the process of dying of toxic shock. What the Dr was packing between his legs couldn't possibly have mattered less to me. What matters-ALWAYS with Drs-is competence. To anyone with a brain, at least.

None of which matters. If he could, he's going to get you in a burka. Get out now, lady.

What kind of test required nakedness in an unflattering position? A Pap smear???? Ooooh, sexy.

This chode wrote to us at answerology and got the same responses.
I'll bet he'd sing a different tune if HE were being examined by a hot female doctor-- like mine.

Eh. I had a doctor who skeeved me out. He kept calling me "love" and asked if i was a Virgin (because i was tense) and touching my shoulders etc. i also had a chiro who spent too much time massaging my butt and then asked me out to see a risque movie.

Im pretty sure the first one was innocent but i decided id rather have female obgyns. I changed chiros

I changed chiros

And told his employer, right? There's no way that's not against company policy in a place where people get paid to touch the clients (that's legal, anyway).

I find it's more about attitude and general demeanor than gender. I've had female doctors that definitely did not make me feel comfortable enough to be okay with getting naked and vulnerable, but it wasn't sexual at all. Sounds like LW's wife might think the same way and just wants to get through the whole thing with a minimum of fuss. It's also entirely possible, given that she's married to this insecure, controlling douchenozzle, that she might not make waves even if she was really uncomfortable with whoever performs the procedure, male or female. I'd actually be more worried about that.

Seriously, having a gyno exam constitutes cheating? Dude, I'm pretty sure the "Man loves vaginas so much he becomes a gynecologist" scenario only happens in porn.

I've had a female doctor examining my private parts. Pretty one too (the doctor, that is). It was as sexy and arousing as a trafic jam on a rainy day in October. Normally, I'm all for hot women handling my junk, but it was awful. And she barely touched me. Seriously, how the hell could anyone in their right mind think that is like cheating in any form?

He was self-employed.

Excellent response, Amy. I do appreciate your letting him have it. God knows he deserves it. One wonders what other areas he controls (or tries to).

I might understand if she were giggling and spending long hours on the phone with an ex-boyfriend, but come on...her gynecologist?

You should have told him to make sure he requests a male doctor for his proctology exam.

From the LW: "She says she's embarrassed to do that, refuses to be controlled by me, and says having a male doctor doesn't bother her. Well, it bothers me terribly. [emphasis added]"

The tell is in the bold type, I think. Junior needs to understand that control is not part of marriage, it's part of servitude. Further, some things in his wife's life have nothing to do with him, and a gyno exam is as "not all about him" as it gets.

"I'm not insecure..."

Yes, you most certainly are.

How about this win-win situation: Wifey doesn't have the medical test at all, turns out to have cancer that could have been cured, and dies slowly and painfully. You have to sell almost everything to help take care of her as she her body shuts down and she does little more than piss and shit herself. But hey—the sanctity of your marriage is preserved, right?

What a disgusting letter. Go fuck yourself.

This sounds almost identical to some guy who wrote Salon's Emily Joffe ("Ask Prudence"); I wonder if he's some kind of weird troll. It certainly sounds like he has some control issues.

FWIW, Joffe gave about the same answer you did. I don't know if that should make you feel better or not. Sometimes she's pretty good; sometimes she's way off in left field.

During my medical school Gynecology rotation my non-medical friends would say "Must be a lot of fun doing that (wink,wink)". They would be surprised when I told them that at the end of a day of that the only thing I wanted to curl up with was a good book. There are few words less erotically charged than "Foul smelling vaginal discharge".

LW: Grow the hell up. Sorry to put it so bluntly, but, when you get out into the real world, you'll find out that not everything is about sex. Working on human bodies is what doctors do, and it's pretty hard to do it without looking. What if she gets a female gyno who is gay? What if she gets a male gyno who is gay? How are you going to know? Who the hell cares? Life isn't a porno. (Which is a good thing, because if it was, then pornos wouldn't be anything special.)

And if you want to read about inappropriate touching... go back through the archive here and read some of the TSA articles.

Haven't we done this one? Fairly recently?

You should have told him to make sure he requests a male doctor for his proctology exam.

Strangely enough, Patrick, despite being one of the straightest people on earth, I specifically requested a male doctor (when asking my O&G father for a referral) to check into the small matter of one of my testicles re-ascending into its original home sometimes. After the very clinical examination I realised I was being silly. I was maybe 23 so cut me some slack. I honestly didn't want some (possibly attractive) female doctor fiddling around with the meat and two veg. And yes, a lot of that was fear of getting a hard-on. These days (pushing 40) I quite like the idea of stripping off in front of a female doctor.

But I draw some lines - regardless of sex, no one is giving me a prostate exam. No-go zone.

There are few words less erotically charged than "Foul smelling vaginal discharge".

Dr Maturin - I think you'd get along well with my father. He had much the same attitude. 40+ years of O&G didn't change that, if anything he was more inured to it. Really was a case of "seeen one, seen em' all"

@Ltw- I'm a pathologist and specialize in gynecologic pathology (I'm the local Pap smear guru) and work closely with gynecologists of all genders and sexual orientations. They're all professionals and none have ever been accused of sexual misconduct. As an aside, in my community it's dentists and chiropractors who have gotten into trouble. Make of that what you will.

Amy, I thought your advice was perfect and could not be improved, until I read Patrick's "You should have told him to make sure he requests a male doctor for his proctology exam."

Of course, this guy is probably too young for them. I have an attractive, small fingered female doctor of an appropriate age, and of all the thoughts I've had, that I was violating the sanctity of my marriage was never one of them. Maybe pondering that will make the exam more bearable.

I'm not insecure

Insecure: I do not think it means what he thinks it means.

Frankly, LW, I'd dump you for this kind of controlling, insecure, crazy BS. What if your wife insisted that you were cheating because you got your hair cut by a woman, because only she should be running her fingers through your hair? You're nuts. Crazy, controlling, over-the-top jealous nuts.

Personal, anecdotal experience: I am a massage therapist. I have been touching naked bodies professionally for nearly 30 years. When it comes to soft tissue pain -- bad backs, bad necks, sports injuries, whiplash, stuff like that -- I am as good as it gets.

And you know what? There is NOTHING sexual about it. Nothing. Even with men I might otherwise find attractive, they get on my table and my brain (and hands) switch into "Okay, what needs to be fixed?" mode. This is my job. There is nothing sexy about it. And trust me, if you had my elbow in a tight hip rotator, you would not be thinking "OOooo, a woman is touching my ass!" You'd be thinking "Crap, she's right on what hurts! How'd I do that to myself? And how did she find it?"

Get over yourself. Get therapy if necessary. But get the hell over yourself.

Serious red flags going up on this guy. Having a gyno appt is cheating? What if they ever decide to have children? Is he going to demand she have an elective Cesarian section so that nobody will have to see her vagina? Even reading the way he describes the exam: she will be seen in 'unflattering positions' and 'i know she won't enjoy it' there's just something really negative in his manner of speaking about his wife.

LW's wife seems to be sticking to her guns, but she did marry him, so I'm hoping at some point she sees his controlling behavior as a dealbreaker.

There's also the issue of having a good doctor. I don't care about the gender of the doctor. I just want my loved ones and me to have excellent care and a doctor with whom they feel comfortable.

I'm not sure if this is routine or a health scare. If it's a health scare that's not helping her at all. I suppose the kindest interpretation in that case is the LW is channeling his concerns into such a ridiculous senario.

Old RPM Daddy: From the LW: "She says she's embarrassed to do that, refuses to be controlled by me, and says having a male doctor doesn't bother her. Well, it bothers me terribly. [emphasis added]"

The tell is in the bold type, I think. Junior needs to understand that control is not part of marriage, it's part of servitude. Further, some things in his wife's life have nothing to do with him, and a gyno exam is as "not all about him" as it gets.

I'm glad you mentioned this, because I actually didn't catch that, dense as I am.

I took it to mean that that was her response to him when he said that she should request a female doctor. But now I'm starting to catch on.

I wonder what he'd think if he read our responses...probably something like, "Yeah, yeah. All you weak males can play pussy-whipped if you want, but I'm gonna be in charge of my marriage..."

Or I could be optimistic and hope he listened.

So I guess I've been fingered by a lot of doctors.

Hey beats that one time it happened from a guy that stole $40 bucks from me.

Most people putting aside some cash for their taxi home on a drunken night out put it in their shoe Ppen. That's a novel approach!

work closely with gynecologists of all genders and sexual orientations. They're all professionals and none have ever been accused of sexual misconduct.

That fits with my (outsider's) experience too. I think it's because they have to come to terms with the reality of their job very early in their career, and learn to deal with it. That's not to say that a lot of them aren't arrogant pricks, which my father would probably own up to if you pushed him.

Tell the dude to go get a prostate exam... that will alter his perspectives. *grinz*

The dude is a fucking moron.

But I don't get what is 'embarassing' for her regarding the request for a female doctor.

I would think that would be easier than being 'manhandled' (pun intended) by the opposite sex.

Frankly, they both strike me as idiots, just idiots at differing angles.

I would think that would be easier than being 'manhandled' (pun intended) by the opposite sex.

I take it, based on your name, and based on your statement, that you are not a woman. We are supposed to get these unpleasant exams every year, and I don't see how she is an idiot for wanting the medical care and practitioner that work best for her. The ONLY time I have been "manhandled" during one of these things to the point where it was painful was by a female doctor. In my old city, I had a male doctor who was in and out in mere seconds with minimal pain.

It took me a long time to find a great doctor, with great bedside manner, who accepted my insurance, and who was located near my office. Plus, if LW has a great male doctor who knows her medical history and whom she's seen for years, her husband is compromising her health by asking her to switch.

Yes, "embarrassed" is a weird word for her to have used ... but let's remember that's the LW's word choice not hers.

Also, I can totally imagine myself saying, "I'd be embarrassed to call up my doctor's office as a grown-a** woman and ask to be switched to a female doctor I've never met because my husband wants me to, even though I'm happy with my male doctor."

Great column title, Amy!

Besides getting therapy, LW also needs to read "Woman's Doctor" by the late great William J. Sweeney (my gyno for a while). It gives an idea of what it's like on the other side of the stirrups.

Oh, and LW's wife probably needs a divorce lawyer. LW's kind of crazy rarely exists in isolation. He's probably got PLENTY of issues he's NOT telling us about.

What will this guy do at the airport when the TSA goon pats her down?

This letter sounds like the husband of the wife who wrote recently, and he didn't like the answer Amy gave, so he's trying it from a different perspective.

"but I was taught "

Who cares what he was taught? Why is this his big reason?

The letter-writer frightens me. His attitude puts him super close to the line between insecure / controlling (bad enough to be with), and emotionally manipulative / abusive (hell). Maybe he's already crossed the line. I have unfortunately been in relationships with both types, and all I learned is that you can rarely fix either, only hope the lady finds her way out of the situation and into a happier one, which I did. But good try Amy, if he's one of the few who's able to change your blend of logic, scientific fact and wit will have helped him along.

But on another note, this guy's attitude is a vile exaggeration of thinking I've encountered in some perfectly decent people, also evidenced in some of the comments. Many seem to think that there CAN be a sexual component, however slight, in routine medical examinations conducted by the opposite sex. That goes for other situations involving non-sexual nudity, such as mixed saunas, or topless or nude beaches. These are frequently family destinations outside the US, with open gawking and cruising unwelcome. Some people--and if I may grossly generalize, they seem to be more men than women, and more Americans than not--find it difficult to believe that opposite genders can be naked around each other, with full view of one another's genitals, and remain unaroused sexually.

Maybe this is because men are so visually oriented? And because America has lingering Puritan attitudes toward nudity? The biological and cultural differences about this fascinate me...

Just found out that I'm preggo.
My Obgyn has been my gyno for years. He's gonna be spending a lot more time down there in the coming months now that we're dealing with pre-natal care and getting a front row seat to the delivery. Thank HEAVENS that hubby's not an idiot like this guy otherwise, we'd be talking divorce and custody arrangements instead of registries and nurserys.

Get over youself, LW. Clearly, you're insecure (even though you're claim your not) in your own ability to please your wife sexually if you think that an exam is what's going to do it for her. As if THAT's FINALLY what'll give her that screaming orgasm she's been dying for... yeah. Every woman just LOVES having their legs in stirrups while naked under a paper gown in a cold exam room while being scraped and poked in their most senstive region. Yep. Does it for me every time.

Jerk.

"Maybe this is because men are so visually oriented?"

In general that's true, but he says "I know she won't enjoy this and it certainly isn't sexual". It doesn't quite add up.

I think it's a control issue ... I suspect you'll find they're both controlling/stubborn ... she probably never gives ground on anything, and now he feels he needs to take a stand on something.

No, LW. You *are* insecure.

Congratulations, Sabrina!

Amy's advice is art. As always.
However.... Im just a little surprised at the zeal with which everyone is defending the notion of as male gynecologist being no different from a female.

For one, there IS the odd Dr. Pervo and although I'd wager you're more likely to find one of the non-gyno variety, several of my friends have candidly described what I would consider a clear case of crossing the line. ... as clear as that line can be lying flat on your back stripped from the waist down with your legs spread. This doctor enjoys surprising young women (on their first visit) with a good ole rectal exam. No warning. No explanation. Just whoopsiedaisy and - shock and humilation ensues.

So there's that.

And then there's the same hesitancy I would have entrusting my custom-fabricated one of a kind collectable roadster to a guy who's never driven anything other than a pickup.