Smells Like Libertine Spirit
I got involved with my co-host on my Web show -- a woman in an "open relationship" with her live-in boyfriend of two years. Things were light and fun between us until we developed actual feelings for each other and he got jealous and she became guilty and torn. Two weeks ago, after we had an amazing date, she texted to say she was "falling apart" and quitting our show. She's since made our friendship conditional on our not being involved anymore and my not questioning her quitting or discussing what happened. I either abide by these rules or "watch (her) walk away." I said she was being emotionally manipulative, and she got really angry. She knows I care about her and want her in my life, but it seems unfair that I have to constantly worry about saying the wrong thing and having her cut and run.
--Eggshells
Some people in open relationships can come off a little smug about how cool, modern, and progressive they are -- that is, until they write that first check to the private detective to make sure you and their girlfriend are only getting your freak on, not holding hands.
Monogamy might not be "natural," but neither is watching your partner run around on you and being all "no problemo!" about it. A couple who decide to have an open relationship may tell themselves they can intellectualize their way around jealousy (and insecurity, possessiveness, and other such fun) without really working through how, exactly, they'll manage that. This guy, for example, maybe got so excited about "having his cake" that he neglected to consider what would happen if his girlfriend really, really liked her cake.
These two had a responsibility to anybody they got involved with to do their open relationship homework and figure out that they could only manage "happily ever afternoon," not "after." It would be nice if she took responsibility now for failing to take responsibility then, maybe with an "I'm really sorry" and a "We probably shouldn't see each other," but she prefers to extend her history of denial with the notion that you can be "friends." Oh, and P.S., feel free to ask her anything, as long as it's about nothing more emotionally sensitive than the time.
As for whether you should stick around and meet her terms, well, with friends like her, who needs bar fights? Also, it's hard to stop wanting somebody when you don't stop seeing them, at least for a while. It seems your time would be better spent pursuing a woman who doesn't already have a boyfriend. You and she can try the sort of open relationship you're looking for now -- one sans conversational restrictions -- as opposed to the sort that, for a good many people, works out like the hen becoming BFFs with the coyote. (Eventually, somebody's going to end up a pile of feathers.)
So has everyone forgotten the phrase "Dont shit where you eat"?
lujlp at June 4, 2013 9:21 PM
No, they're just convinced that their shit doesn't stink.
Akatsukami at June 5, 2013 4:05 AM
As always, Amy, you were spot on.
I also think it would be great if she told her, with her ultimatums of do what I say, or else I walk, if he just walked instead.
It just might give her a well-needed smack upside the head to make her realize that is she not King Louis XIV (aka "The Sun King" who ruled for 75 years, making his longest reign in European history), who surrounded himself with adoring sycophants who would put up with anything for the privilege of basking in his royal presence.
I'm coming to your neighborhood, Amy. And I'm going to hang small containers of milk from all the utility poles surrounding your home (since they are not telephone poles as phone lines run underground). That way there will be no way to answer this security question accurately! So, there!
Patrick at June 5, 2013 7:51 AM
Been there, done that. I was involved with a guy who had an open marriage. I knew his wife, and at one point she told me she was grateful to have someone else help take care of him. (He turned out to be one of those moody, high-maintenance ego kind of people.)
Long story short, it didn't work out. Other people got involved, etc.
"This guy, for example, maybe got so excited about "having his cake" that he neglected to consider what would happen if his girlfriend really, really liked her cake."
My best friend has had boyfriends who wanted an open relationship. Up until they found out that she could find a new partner a hell of lot easier than the guys could.
I'll have to check my copy of "Ain't Nobody's Business if You Do", but I think the author says something about how we keep going back to monogamy because it works. Not that it's natural,but that it works, society-wise. Guess I'll see if I can google it.
Pricklypear at June 5, 2013 8:10 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/06/smells-like-lib.html#comment-3733948">comment from PatrickThank you so much, Patrick!
Amy Alkon
at June 5, 2013 8:33 AM
This is one reason I never got involved in any scenes like that... waaaaaaay too much drama.
Cousin Dave at June 5, 2013 3:04 PM
Are Web Shows employers? I've never seen one, and honestly don't know.
I'd be pretty concerned about a sexual harassment suit. Let her walk, or ask that she walk, and she files suit. Let her stay, try to play her game, and she still might file suit.
Not sure why more people don't follow the don't shit where you eat rule. I guess a lot of times we're more compelled by our hormones than potential consequences that may or may not happen.
Meloni at June 6, 2013 10:50 AM
I meant to delete the redundant tail-end of that last sentence. My bad.
Meloni at June 6, 2013 10:52 AM
Cousin Dave is right, but I still hold out hope of stumbling across a bi curious lesbian couple who both only want to fuck me on the side and togther
lujlp at June 6, 2013 7:34 PM
This just confirms my suspicions that "open relationships" are rarely both...and frequently neither.
Too much Heinlein, if you ask me.
wallawallawands at June 7, 2013 1:03 PM
It only works if it's the man who has several mistresses, and keeps the women under tight control. If the woman has several lovers, she cannot take the emotional strain. It won't work.
Ken_in_SC (@Ken_in_SC) at June 10, 2013 6:02 PM
It only works if it's the man who has several mistresses, and keeps the women under tight control. If the woman has several lovers, she cannot take the emotional strain. It won't work.
That's not how it worked for one couple I know. She was fine with it, and he fell in love. Now they're divorced.
MonicaP at June 11, 2013 12:08 PM
Life's WAY too short to spend waiting around hoping some Miss 'lets-be-friends' might let you become intimate with her again .. move on.
Lobster at June 15, 2013 6:44 AM
I have an open marriage that's worked for us for over 15 years. But it's sure not for everybody.
However, Lobster has got it right, poly or not: If she says "Let's Just Be Friends," it's woman-code for "you are not sexually attractive to me."
Continuing to pursue a sexual relationship after you get LJBF just makes you look like a tool. Leave her alone - you're just annoying her and frustrating yourself.
Lamont Cranston at June 17, 2013 8:35 AM
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