I Sing The Buddy Electric
When I got a boyfriend six months ago, I became a lot less available to my best friend. I knew she was disappointed, but she took it in stride and even claimed to understand. I'm bagging a lot of guilt now because I call her the most when I'm having trouble with my boyfriend.
--Bad Friend
It isn't like you've stopped sharing your life with her -- not if you count all those times your butt dialed her number and left a muffled five-minute message on her voicemail.
Assuming your friend isn't just a doormat, she's been a good friend by not getting all miffy that you've been preoccupied. Your friendship probably can't take up as much of your lifespace as it did before, but you can recommit to it by making time for her regularly with phone, Skype, and coffee dates. You might also try an idea from "Friendfluence" author Carlin Flora -- celebrating the success of a long-term friendship as you would a romantic relationship and treating your friend to dinner and reminiscing about how you met and the great times you've had. (Think of it as your "friendiversary.") This should help you avoid undervaluing your friendship, which is important, in case what was proudly perky on you takes a downturn into something a little more National Geographic. That's when you can really count on your female friends to stand by you -- and if they're less affected by gravity, to stand by you in public as often as possible.
Her comment about how she never contacts her friend unless it's problems with her boyfriend underscores the point I made in the other column this week: people share problems in their relationship with their friends. We need to have confidantes outside our relationship, and someone with whom we can share everything.
"Friendiversary" is not a good word, Amy. Looks too much like "friend-adversary."
Patrick at June 12, 2013 6:32 AM
Your best friend probably understands. I've been in her shoes. Just wait til she has a new boyfriend after the novelty has worn off of your own, and you'll understand, too.
Just keep in mind that if you do make plans to spend time with your friend, but then break them because your boyfriend decides to pull rank for no good reason, that could be a problem. Eventually.
Pricklypear at June 12, 2013 7:46 AM
It's natural for people to get a little self-absorbed during the initial phase of a new romantic relationship but now that the honeymoon phase is clearly over, it is time to start fitting your boyfriend into your life, not adjusting your life to fit your boyfriend. This is key. If you want it to go long term, you have to start integrating into each others lives and showing him the real you, warts and all... but, seeing as your already having "problems" with your boyfriend after only 6 months, LW(anyone else see the red flags?) you'll need your friend more than ever if (when?) it goes bad...
Go have girls night out with your friend. Or just sit around together at home and have some wine and chat, sans boyfriend. (Dear God don't let it become a bitch session about your boyfriend!). Let her tell you about what's going on in HER life. Make sure you make regular time for her after that. Obviously, it won't be the same as before but if the friendship is strong enough, and you're committed to not letting your friendship fall by the wayside, she'll understand. There will eventually come a time when she'll be newly comitted to a new guy and you'll need to do the same for her.
Sabrina at June 12, 2013 10:10 AM
Just say sorry and admit you feel a bit guilty. She should understand, it is natural to some extent what happened. Don't people apologize for things anymore?
Lobster at June 15, 2013 7:07 AM
Sorry, I'm lost: women dump their female friends when they start to get saggy?
Jay Pennington at June 15, 2013 2:41 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/06/i-sing-the-budd.html#comment-3750734">comment from Jay PenningtonArrghh...I hate having to explain jokes. It's a joke about female cattiness -- about how women prefer to stand right next to a woman who's less attractive than they are.
This is the first "I don't get it" I've gotten. Did you, perhaps, read it too fast?
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2013 3:58 PM
No, I'm just a little over-literal at times. I realize it was a joke and get the cattiness concept, but wasn't sure if you were serious about women actually dumping friends over it. And indeed, as you described it, it sounds like you're saying true friends stand by one when one is the one who looks bad, as if that isn't what they'd prefer anyway so they'll look good in comparison. I'll stop, I'm over analyzing!
(For the record, 99.999% of the time I get, and love, your jokes.)
Jay Pennington at June 15, 2013 4:21 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/ag-column-archives/2013/06/i-sing-the-budd.html#comment-3750752">comment from Jay PenningtonThank you - and I'll stop explaining now, because I have to stop working on my book and start writing a new paragraph for next week's column.
Amy Alkon
at June 15, 2013 4:31 PM
Great column Amy.
I actually needed to hear this. Friend of mine was desperate for a boyfriend and once she got one she basically dumped all of us for him.
She went to go live in another state to live with him and didn't even tell me.
Now she is talking to me more and she has always been a good friend. It just kinda blindsided me when it happened.
I asked my therapist why some women just....dump everybody for a boyfriend and she said there are people who once they are in a relationship can't handle friendship relationships as well. They are not well rounded, and insecure.
But then once the relationship goes BAD, they go to her and ask her why they are so lonely and have no friends..... DUH! You dumped everyone.
My friends boyfriend is the same btw. Super needy and was desperate for a gf. They are both very nice but I do sense a bit of insecurty in both of them.
Ppen at June 16, 2013 3:08 AM
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