She has trust issues, not because she's a woman who's been fooled before, but because she's a WOMAN.

jefe, go soak your head.
Amy, your advice is spot on.

Chief, what is with the bug up your butt? Trust issues aren't exclusive to women, ya know.

Amy, is the LW's life with her boyfriend going to shit in some way? Like, no more time together, no sex, he's moody and/or depressed or anything? Maybe she just needs to let him grieve and get over it in his own time. I agree with you that she should try to be there for him. How would she feel if it was her friend that died and he was being a shit to her?

Sorry, gotta disagree, boundary crossing is very possible with friends and it does sound like he was being inappropriate in his discussions with his friend. And his mourning does sound excessive... Weekly grave visits?

I used to have the same ideas about sharing intimate details and being close with opposite sex friends as you... But in retrospect, I WAS keeping them on the back burner and leaving the door open. It took 2 relationships to realize there are some things even same sex friends dont need to know and to do otherwise is a violation if intimacy.

When the guy's pain subsides they need a serious talk about boundaries

Lw to answer your question... This sort of opposite sex intimacy is unusual. It very well could be innocent but it is unusual.

jefe, I agree with lori. You need to go soak your head. Preferably in sulfuric acid.

NicoleK, once a week to visit the cemetery is not excessive. It's not how I would grieve (I couldn't even tell you where my father is buried) but if I thought of it as his private time to mourn the loss of his best friend, then spending one afternoon a week to be alone with his pain is hardly inappropriate.

I think the point being is that if she has a problem with him discussing with his friend every problem they have, then she needs to talk to him about it and come to a mutual understanding. However, she does not get to "lay down the law" after the fact. Regardless of how reasonable it seems to ask for this, she didn't ask. She ordered.

Ladies, I have some bad news for you. Regardless of what understanding you think you have with your mates, their best friends do know about problems in your relationship if you have them, including those with your sex life. The difference is, most of your husbands'/boyfriends' best friends are also guys. And if you think he's not sharing them because you told him not to, you're incredibly naive. It happens. People need confidantes outside the relationship. Do ladies not share any problems they have with their friends? Of course, they do. "Oh, but that's different." Hahahahaha!

However, if LW considers this an inflexible standard, then why didn't she walk? Why would she still be with a guy who commits what she considers a dealbreaker?

Because she like bargining and drama

Add me to the list of people who think Jefe is full of mierda. I've been with my husband for 23 years, married for 18, and I have never once suspected him of cheating, nor even of trying to. Indeed, I don't think I can recall a single incident of accusing a boyfriend of cheating on me in my single days, either.

Amy, I think you were wise.

Is Amy's column on some sort of list for women-hating trolls to come and visit? I can't help but see it as some sort of weird public-humiliation fetish. Like, here's this strong, smart, takes-no-shit woman writing a column, oh it would be sooooo hot if she called me stupid and worthless in public. I think I'll just go over there and post comments that make me look like an idiot and then maybe she'll put on some spike heels and kick me in the crotch like in my dreams.

Cuz it's not just Jefe. There's a whole string of them over the years and it's just . . . odd. But hey, as long as it's all consenting adults and they can feel oh so very naughty and bad and wrong in the privacy of their moms' basements, I guess it's okay . . .

@anathema I think you may be on to something. I never thought about it that way, but...oddly enough ... it makes sense.

As for the issue at hand, I've seen more than a few people (men AND women) who have used "I've been cheated on in the past" as a justification for their controlling tendencies in relationships. And then they guilt their partner into being "understanding" because it's "not their fault" they need to be controlling -- it's because they were cheated on.

LW, if your boyfriend's actions are making you feel insecure, daily and over the long term, it's perfectly acceptable to break up with him and find someone who makes you feel more secure. It's possible that he's got a Heathcliff-Catherine thing going on here that you're picking up on (intuition and all that). But the solution is not to try to make him change -- but to find someone who's a better fit for you.

Is Amy's column on some sort of list for women-hating trolls to come and visit? I

I think that, because I don't take sides (on a male/female level), and just take an objective approach to seeing who's at fault/what needs to change, my column appeals to people who are sick of the anti-male bent of a lot of relationship writing out there.

Some of these people blame women in general for their problems, often because it's easier to lash out than look inward.

Per the LW: I love my boyfriend and want to support him in his time of grief, but I don't feel that he sees how hard it is for me to see the man I love mourn this woman he loved and lost.

I feel bad for the LW, and worse for her boyfriend. It's tough when your boyfriend's best friend could be seen as a potential rival, no matter how much he insists she's not. Worse, his best friend is beautiful and smart, and he's known her longer, and probably shared more, than he did with his girlfriend. While there's nothing from the LW to indicate how her boyfriend handled his relationships with both women, maintaining a friendship on one hand and a romance on the other requires a lot of sensitivity and tact.

And now she's gone. LW, he's mourning her because he loved her like a sister. As Patrick above said, everyone grieves differently, and the best thing you can do is to support him in a difficult time. Remember, no matter how hard this is for you, it's way worse for him. I wish you both well.

By the way: Jefe, if you wanted to stir up the bees, it looks like you done did it!

I can actually speak from the boyfriends perspective on this.

I'm married and my best friend is another married man. We all joke that if we weren't already married, my friend and I were probably be married to each other. None of us are insecure about this because there are no secrets. His wife calls me (teasingly) "el otro". My husband calls him "your other husband". There is nothing we don't talk about and we know each other better than anyone else outside of our own marriages.

If he were to die, I would be absolutely devastated. I'd feel like I lost my own husband, because in a way, he is like a husband. If my spouse were to tell me that weekly grave visits were "too much" and started to get jealous, he'd no longer be my husband. Period. LW, I urge you to be supportive and keep your mouth shut. All your BF needs to hear right now is how much you care about him and how sorry you are for his loss. That's it. NADA about your issues because they are just that, YOUR issues. If you try to dictate his grief or make it about you in any way, you won't have to worry about your relationship trust issues any more because there will be no relationship.

I'm kind of surprised she stayed with him for two years. Right or wrong, the situation always made her uncomfortable. I think I'd just go find a boyfriend who didn't talk daily to his beautiful female best friend with whom he would betray intimate details about our sex life, despite my request that he not do so.

To LW:

Trying to control other's emotions is futile.
I am surprised your BF is still with you despite your "trust issues".

Imagine daily for 30min that you are just a third wife in a harem. For a month. After that, look at your relationship and discover how good it is and how silly it is to look for problems where there are none.

What comes across to me is that the LW does not trust her own ability to make relationship choices. If she's been burned in the past, that's understandable. However, that problem has nothing to do with any particular boyfriend. Is she making a good choice or a bad choice? She doesn't know, and she's so far in the weeds on it that she's reaching out to an advice columnist whom she (I assume) has never met.

It's something that the LW must fix for herself, regardless of how she resolves her current situation. She will never be happy in any relationship if she's always full of self-doubt about her choices. That's the root of the problem and is the thing that the LW should be working on.

Amen Cousin Dave. I can also see why she doesnt trust her judgement.

As for Patrick, dude, I get it, I used to overshare too but have since learned it really is not ok

The LWs potential rival is dead, she should be able to get over it. She pretty much is also punishing him for what a past bf did, not for what he did. Not cool.

Does the LW mention how she died? Was it unexpected or a known condition? In looking back at some friends who died and how I reacted, it was rather different, between the unexpected car accident and the long drawn out cancer. The one and I had talked about his death many times before, probably became closer friends because of it. And now it has me wondering if something like that may be part of why those two were so close.

"Is Amy's column on some sort of list for women-hating trolls to come and visit? I can't help but see it as some sort of weird public-humiliation fetish. Like, here's this strong, smart, takes-no-shit woman writing a column, oh it would be sooooo hot if she called me stupid and worthless in public. I think I'll just go over there and post comments that make me look like an idiot and then maybe she'll put on some spike heels and kick me in the crotch like in my dreams."

Anathema, that's simply golden! I've wondered mostly the same thing myself, but that description seems so spot-on!

On the jealousy issue, I get so tired of the "I've been cheated on, this is hard for me" argument.

People suck: Meet, get screwed, screw back, leave, meet new, repeat until the screwing gets good or you collapse shaking your fists at the sky - whichever comes first.

If you can't disassociate your current relationship from a prior relationship, it is my firm belief that (as with general overwhelming insecurity) you have no business mindfucking somebody by dating them. There's no possible good that comes from it, except economically - which I suspect is usually the real reason that these walking cacophonies date/cohabitate/marry.

Great, Amy. Now I have an overarching need to see a phone line technician speed-punching a telephone pole udder. May an inexplicable and imperceptible fiber tickle your nostril and cause you momentary discomfort.

It's not just women who have this little insecurity, or really, let's just call it what it is...jealousy. And it's the ugliest thing I've encountered in any of my relationships. My ex-husband would have accused me of sleeping with my deceased male friend, even after the unfortunate death. That's what I would have been doing at the cemetery every week. I was accused of sleeping with every male that ever crossed my path, his brothers, his cousin, my brother, strangers on the street corner, my sister in law, and my sister in law's sister. To name a few.

Notice that I said my EX husband.

Telling people they aren't allowed to talk to their close friends about issues in their life is a recipe for driving people to depression / suicide / the asylum. Life is difficult enough as it is without these artificial restrictions on how much support you can get from friends.

"Is Amy's column on some sort of list for women-hating trolls to come and visit?"

It might give that impression, but I think it's mainly just one or two regulars, if you hang around you'll see the same names over and over.

It really doesn't matter what his best friend could have been. It's no longer an issue because she has passed on. What is the issue is how the girlfriend is relating to her boyfriend's grief process. If she is not supportive during this time period then later he will look back and assess this (perhaps harshly) and conclude that this woman is not the ONE because she was not emotionally there for him during his loss. If they spoke weekly or several times weekly and were close friends then he has lost a large part of his support system. The last thing he needs is some insecure woman making him feel bad because his life has turned upside down. Suck it up and be there for your man if he is that important in your life and stop stressing over a woman who can't be a threat unless you make her one! Did it ever occur to you to make a token offer to bring flowers to her grave with him or make a donation in her name as a rememberance?

On the subject of Amy's column being a misogynist-magnet, probably true.

Because most advice columnists probably don't understand that men are men. Amy is one of the few (if the only one) who tells women, "No, your husband who married you as a size 2 is not likely going to remain attracted to you as a size 15."

Let other columnists tell you that men should remain attracted to you no matter what. Amy is going to tell you that's crap.

Because most advice columnists probably don't understand that men are men. Amy is one of the few (if the only one) who tells women, "No, your husband who married you as a size 2 is not likely going to remain attracted to you as a size 15."

Yes Patrick. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.

Us ugly old people remain married to each other, not because we don't occasionally get better or more interesting offers,, but because our relationship is based on mutual respect, caring and genuine concern for the other persons welfare. That shared history doesn't go away when your SO gains or loses 20 pounds.

Looks are fleeting. Get used to it. Life is more than sexual combustibility, and any man or woman who would leave their spouse, because they aren't as sexy as they were 20 years ago, deserves to be left for the same damn reason at some point in the future.

"Looks are fleeting. Get used to it. Life is more than sexual combustibility, and any man or woman who would leave their spouse, because they aren't as sexy as they were 20 years ago, deserves to be left for the same damn reason at some point in the future. "

There's a big difference between the inevitable effects of aging, and someone who just stops trying. Just because I'm getting older, that doesn't mean I get a pass to stop maintaining my health or quit my job and go fishing. I recently testified in the divorce proceedings of a (male) friend whose spouse decided to throw it all away, and I'm shortly going to be done the same for a (female) friend who is in the same situation. In both cases, their spouses quit on the marriage but still expected to receive the benefits of marriage.

Ladies, I have some bad news for you. Regardless of what understanding you think you have with your mates, their best friends do know about problems in your relationship if you have them

Not necessarily. I've never told anyone I know face-to-face about my marriage problems, because what they don't know, they can't accidentally let slip when my wife is in earshot. I only talk about this kind of stuff online, using my screen name, because there's no way that will get back to her.